Chapter 33

The first night back I had dinner with Jeff. We went back to his house to spend some time alone.

The Goldbergs were very understanding, even Sandy.

I would have loved to take him back to my room, but after the pep talk about all the eligible prospects awaiting me in Europe, I thought it a trifle lacking in subtlety.

The truth was, at that point I did feel an urgency to get him into bed. But I felt the same urgency to be pressed up against him, to kiss him, to feel his cheek against mine, to feel the rise and fall of his chest as I snuggled against him on the couch.

If I only had the time for one or the other tonight, this pleased me just fine. Tomorrow, my comings and goings would be an afterthought to my parents.

I got up early to reach Jennifer before she left for work. She was going to try to arrange for me to see her working with the children. She was excited about her job and wanted to share it. I had no objection so we would see what happened.

Jeff took me to dinner at The Rose Tattoo in his new Civic Hybrid. Nothing but the best for his honey. He was now a man of means.

Our table sat by a wrought iron railing on the second floor, surrounded by hanging plants. Had we been told we were actually on a balcony in the Vieux Carré in New Orleans, we could have believed it. After dessert I broached the subject.

"I know it's not late, but a proper young lady should not be staying out on a week night. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to take me home."

My intentions were decidedly improper.

"I understand completely. I would never wish to do anything that could tarnish your reputation in the slightest way. I, myself, was thinking of returning you safely to your parents' home."

"It pleases me to know that I am with a gentleman of such upstanding moral character."

"Whenever I am with you, I cannot help but be upstanding."

I almost spit out my coffee.

"I wonder if people had more fun back in the days when sex wasn't so readily available. The teasing and the anticipation are wonderfully exciting."

The role play was fun too.

"Perhaps we should wait until we're married."

"It's not that exciting," I said.

On the way back, I took up the topic in a more serious way.

"It's good that you're so young. At your age, you can recover easily enough to make sure I'm always satisfied."

"I don't know if that's true. We may not have fully explored just how much it takes for you to be satisfied," he said.

"I wonder how important sex is. When we get out of school, we'll have work, hopefully family. How important will it be then?"

He shook his head.

"What?" I asked.

"I think everybody may have overestimated my ability to learn."

"Very mysterious. I have no idea what you're talking about," I said.

"You continue to surprise me and you shouldn't. It should have been completely obvious by now to anyone but a complete idiot how smart you are and what amazing insight you bring to so many different situations. And yet, though you continue to do it, I haven't learned to expect it."

"You're not a complete idiot."

He smiled.

"If it's any consolation, I feel the same things myself. I hear you mention some great thing I've done and wonder was that really me. I've changed so much it's a little difficult to accept."

His smile was wistful.

"You put too much pressure on yourself, Jeff. You can't know everything and do everything and be everything. That's," I searched for the right word, "hubris."

"There's that insight again."

This smile was proud. I wondered how many different smiles we had.

It was not insulting. He felt both sides of this. When I came up with something he admired, he felt it was unexpected. At the same time, he expected it. He'd have to figure that out himself just like I would.

"What were we talking about?" I asked.

"The future importance of sex."

He gave it some thought.

"How important is it now?"

That was a good approach. It would become less important later, wouldn't it? Of all the things that made up our relationship, what part -

"Scale of one to ten," he said.

I guess he thought I was taking too much time evaluating it.

"All right, I can't just give you a number on this. I need to explain it."

"Sounds like a pretty low number."

Jeff was amused, not upset.

"Importance, three. Quality, ten. It's not even like it's just sex with you. It's in a whole different category.

"But there are so many wonderful things in our relationship I value more. That first letter you sent me was one hundred twenty-seven words, not that I counted them more than a hundred times.

"Nothing could have made me feel more loved. You were an ocean away and you made me feel you in fewer words than most songs. I'm still stunned by it and any time I think about it, I get that 'Oh, my.'

"I don't have a number, but I knew how I felt. I wondered how you felt about it," I said.

"You've made it easy for me to give my answer - one. If something were to happen that prevented me from doing that with you, and I can give you a pretty long list of things that could happen, you'd still be that extraordinary person I love.

"And I agree, it's a ten and I don't want to give it up. It's one of the ways I express how much I love you, but it isn't one of the reasons," he said.

"Oh, my. Sometimes you say something succinct; that expresses an idea with complete clarity. It gives me chills."

"That's how I feel when you surprise me with things that shouldn't be surprising."

"This can't last." I sighed.

"Why not?"

"It's too intense and it's too good," I said.

Jeff responded in a matter-of-fact voice. "We're going to die. Until it becomes more imminent, we take care of our health and try to avoid dangerous situations. If we start to have problems, we work them out."

I wavered on whether to pout because he wasn't listening to me or to feel relieved because I was being silly.

Don't you hate it when you can't summon the enthusiasm to be petulant? I used to do petulance with such ease. It doesn't work if you think about what you're doing.

"Is this what people who are in relationships do? Are these, the things you learn, when you screw up the first love and move on to the next?"