Chapter 26

I ran into Jen on campus. It was inevitable.

"Ashley Fine, I can't believe how good you look. I mean you always look fabulous, but you have a kind of glow that makes you look unreal. It's gotta be a guy."

She reached out and touched my arm. A look of astonishment took over her face.

"No, not Jeff."

I must have let out some of the inner glow.

"Jeff."

"You lucky girl."

"Maybe he's a lucky guy," I said.

"I think you have changed. You said 'maybe.'"

I giggled but I felt ambivalent. I was doing that a lot lately.

Here was someone who knew Jeff, someone I could talk to about him, who would understand the magic I was seeing in him.

On the other hand, here was someone who knew Jeff, or at least had known him, who would understand the magic I was seeing in him.

I didn't like the idea of having to share him, but that was in the past. The chance to talk with someone other than his mother about him was irresistible.

"He says I've changed. His mom says I've changed," I said.

"You've met his family?"

"Lots of times."

I win.

"This must be serious." She had a smile that let me know it was part tease. "Have you taken him home to meet your parents?"

"I'm planning to do that on our 50^th anniversary."

"Yeah, I guess you didn't get the way you were by accident."

"How was I?"

Oops, she'd forgotten who she was talking to and momentarily lapsed into candor.

"Self-assured." Self-centered.

"Poised." Aloof.

"In control." Controlling.

"You shouldn't be an English major, Jen, you should be training for the diplomatic service. You could sell shit and position it as organic fertilizer, or plant food."

She didn't feel the need to respond.

"I have changed. Jeff says it was there all along. The stuff I cared so much about six months ago just doesn't seem that important anymore."

"I know exactly what you mean. I changed a lot, too, after I met Jeff. He makes you question the reasons you do things."

"I know exactly what you mean. He acts strange sometimes and you come to find out he's actually doing it for a reason."

"And he's so supportive," said Jen.

Would that it were my parents saying this.

"Yeah, but the best thing, and maybe the worst, well, one of the best, I don't know. Anyway, he believes in me, more than I believe in myself. It's scary.

"I feel like I have to work to make sure I don't let him down. But I know that even if I do, he'll keep believing in me."

"Wow." I knew that tone; it was awe.

"Do you want to get some coffee and talk? My treat," I said.

"Who are you and what have you done with Ashley Fine?"

We had engaged in banter before, but this was a genuinely friendly exchange. I was drawn to her.

I had been doing that a lot lately: Sunny, Sandy, Harri, Sam. Was I just trying to score a friend other than Sunny, or was this a real connection?

I had been doing a lot of that lately, too: questioning why I did things.

I never used to do that before. What did it matter why as long as I got what I wanted? Now that wasn't enough.

We walked to Starbucks. I had a vente café mocha with a double shot of espresso. Jennifer had a vente skim caramel macchiato. We could drink until we needed to pee.

"What about you, Jen, do you have somebody special?"

"Not at the moment. I'm looking, but I don't feel any pressure to grab someone up just to have him. I'm also not into that thing we were into with guys who have or will have money. I'd rather have a guy who can add to my life to make me happy."

"Someone like Jeff?" I asked.

"Someone not Jeff, but kind of like Jeff. He's too, Jeff.

"Jeff, is a strange combination. He has amazing emotional maturity in a lot of ways, not even considering how young he is. But in some emotional aspects he's almost clueless.

"And socially, he's damn near lost. He's going to be incredible. He is incredible, but he's just going to keep getting better, you know?"

"Yeah, I know", I said. "I know it's not the real definition, but I tell him he's an idiot savant. And I never know which one is going to show up. But I love them both."

Dr. Goldberg and Mr. Bill I was saving for Jeff and me.