Chapter 17

I called in the afternoon to see when we could get together that night, but he wasn't there. I left a message. It struck me as curious, but I had enough work to keep me busy that I didn't give it much thought.

I called that night and left a message. I couldn't imagine where he could be, but I had countless pages in front of me and speculating on his whereabouts was not going to get me through them.

Monday: no answer, message, no return. I was starting to panic. Had something happened to him? Had I done something to scare him away? Or, worse yet, had all this been an elaborate setup to get his revenge on me?

I know it sounds ridiculous, especially given the way his family had treated me. That would have taken one huge, whopping conspiracy.

Jeff had introduced me to yet another new emotion - insecurity. I didn't like it.

Tuesday, no Jeff. I got his roommate. He didn't know where Jeff was. No call. Clearly, something was going on but I had no idea what.

I heard nothing on Wednesday. It was like he had disappeared from the face of the earth. For a very brief moment I considered calling the FBI until I realized how completely ridiculous that would be.

The ache of not knowing where he was, of just not being with him, was overwhelming. Was this the price of love or infatuation or whatever it was? I wasn't sure I was willing to pay it.

On the other hand, how do I avoid paying it? How do I stop feeling the need to be with him? How do I give up the excitement of anticipating that I'm going to be with him?

The steps I had taken to get into this situation had been voluntary, but now that I was here, it didn't seem voluntary at all. We weren't exactly at the point where I could say I had a life with him, but the thought of a life without him was too painful to contemplate.

Finals would be starting next week and I had no more classes. The best thing I could do to maximize my studying would be to find out what was going on with Jeff.

Since I couldn't manage to contact him, I tried the next best thing, someone I thought of as a friend - his Mother. I tracked her down Thursday morning at the U of P. I started calling a little before 8:00 so I wouldn't have to wait to talk to her until her classes were finished. She got in around quarter to nine.

"What's wrong, Ashley?"

"Nothing. It's, I just wanted to talk."

"You don't sound like it's nothing. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm, I'm fine."

"Great. Well, it was nice talking to you."

"No." I said it with just a little too much urgency.

"My last class ends at one. We can talk then."

"Can I come in there to talk?"

"All the way from school?"

"Yes."

"Sure. I'm glad nothing is wrong." Biting wits those Goldbergs.

She gave me directions to find her office and I packed up some books for study. I could read them in her office.

I felt terrible. This is why you don't get emotionally involved with anyone. It hurts. It sucks.

I cranked up the music on my radio and sang along with gusto. It kept my mind off my problem, some of the time. I couldn't think of any way to approach it. I couldn't think of any reason it was happening. All I could do was hurt.

I persuaded Sunny's secretary to let me wait in her office. It was kind of neat, except there were books everywhere. Maybe the University's office furniture code only allowed a tenured professor a desk, some chairs, a filing cabinet and as many bookshelves as she wanted.

I forced myself to study. I was taking time away from it with this trip, and I thought I better get in as much as I could. Funny, I didn't recall being this serious about finals in the past. Jeff was a bad influence.

Sunny breezed in a little after one, in a bright print dress that looked more like summer fun than a history professor.

"Ashley, you don't look so good, sweetie. What's wrong?" She closed the door and sat at her desk. She looked almost unbearably perky. "Did something happen with you and Jeff?"

"I don't know what's happened with me and Jeff." My voice was shaky.

I didn't know how to proceed. I'd never had this kind of conversation before. I had never even conceived of this kind of conversation.

"Tell me about it. Did you guys have a fight on the way back?"

"No. I thought everything was great. We got together every night. He even slept over twice. I took him to a concert Friday night and Saturday night I took him to dinner. It was like Cinderella and Prince Charming."

Sunny laughed. "I could buy you as Cinderella, but you have to admit, Jeff as Prince Charming is pretty funny."

That drew out my first smile in days.

"Well, it was wonderful. It was romantic. He came back to my place and we, uh, had a wonderful time. He left after breakfast to go to a tutoring job and I haven't heard from him since.

"His roommate won't tell me where he is. He doesn't return my messages. I don't understand what's happening."

"Would I be correct in assuming that this is your first real relationship? Is Jeff the first guy you've really liked?"

"Yeah. I didn't think about it that way. I went with guys, but it was like, really no big deal. They did what I wanted; I was always in charge. But I really like Jeff."

"Have you guys talked about your relationship?"

"No. Are we supposed to?"

She answered that with a laugh. "Did Jeff tell you anything about his relationship history?"

"No. I really didn't think about it."

"Ah."

She reached across her desk and grasped my hand in a gesture of caring and then released it.

"I'll, have to think about what I can tell you. Jeff has talked to me and I'm not sure I should say anything about that.

"On the other hand, I've lived with him and there are things I've observed that probably wouldn't be wrong to talk about. If I talk to Jeff, can I tell him anything we talk about?"

"I don't know. I guess it depends on what we talk about."

"Fair enough. After you rejected him, Jeff was pretty shaken up. He lost his confidence. He had confidence in who he was, not how he related to girls, because he never had. He just thought of them as people with different anatomical characteristics.