Chapter 14

I was very mellow as I headed for the Schuylkill Expressway. We weren't doing anything special. We were just heading back to campus together. I was thinking about some of the things we might do together at school.

Jeff was quietly enjoying the journey as well. Wasn't he? I couldn't tell from the look on his face. He looked like he might be distracted. Was I just thinking too much?

I needed to get a little perspective here. Despite all the supposedly fabulous men I had dated, I had never really had a boyfriend.

Shocking, isn't it?

What was the value in having a boyfriend? I could get a quality date whenever I wanted, to do whatever I wanted, wherever I wanted. I could have as little or as much sex as I wanted, and whatever kind I wanted. I could have complete control over any situation.

A boyfriend would feel entitled to make demands on my time, on my attention, to have some say in the relationship. What did I need that for when I could get everything I wanted at no cost?

Maybe this wasn't love and forever after; maybe it was just infatuation. Perhaps I had just been caught up in the moment. It was a most excellent moment to be sure, but a moment nonetheless.

I loved being with Jeff, but I could do that whenever I wanted without having to make any kind of commitment.

Well, maybe I couldn't. I would ask him for a specific time and he wasn't always available. That had never happened to me before. Was this the flip side of guys wanting a girl because she made herself unavailable?

No way. Jeff was too open and honest to play a game like that. He was also too inexperienced according to Sunny. He probably didn't even know there was such a game.

I wasn't sure how I felt about him because I was in uncharted territory. I wanted to get closer to him, but at the same time it was a little scary.

I also didn't know how to approach him. He might respond to my being honest and straightforward, though I had no experience acting like that with anyone but him.

I should have thought about this before I drove over to get him.

Was this extended silence the awkward silence of two people who can't think of anything to say to each other, growing more oppressive with each tick of the clock? Or was it the timeless, comfortable silence of two people enjoying just being together?

If I came on too strong, that would drive most guys away. Not from me, but from most girls. But then I remembered what Jen had said. She thought she was falling in love with him and he had convinced her she wasn't. As long as I didn't pursue him like a stalker, he would not completely reject me.

"I had such a good time Saturday night," I said. "I don't think I've ever enjoyed myself more."