So as you may have read, there's this series here called "Conflicted," which was written by a buddy of mine who goes by the nickname of Eldridge.
El and I have been ragging on each other for many weeks now, constantly killing each other about our stories.
We were spending so much time beating each other up that I finally said, "You know what we need to do? We need to kill each other in a story. I'm going to write a parody of 'Conflicted, ' and you do one of mine."
I have many more stories here than he does, so I'm not sure which one he'll choose, though I'm reasonably certain that he'll primarily target my collection of "Summer" stories.
We want to let the editors and all our readers know right up front that these stories we're submitting today are just parodies. We both greatly admire the other's writing skills and want to make it clear that nobody should take a word of what we're writing here seriously. We're going to go out of our way to create the most ridiculous parodies possible of each other's works, strictly in fun.
There will be implausible sex, wild incest and rude behavior, and our only purpose is simply to make each other laugh. Once you recognize the characters and their quirks, hopefully you'll laugh too.
"Baby, it's starting to hurt a little."
"That's probably because it's bleeding really good now. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure it prolapsed back when Mister Jenkins was still talking about the Gettysburg Address. What did I tell you about doing your exercises?"
Kelsey looked back at her hemorrhaging ass. "I know, doofus, but it's really starting to sting now ... in a good way, of course. Also, we're sort of making a mess here."
"Kel, you must be confusing me with someone who's chock full o' give-a-fuck."
Pulling my gore-covered cock from my baby sister's impossibly perfect ass, I used her long brown hair to wipe it clean. "Okay, there, is that better? We're all spic 'n span now."
'Oh, what the hell, ' I thought, jamming it right back inside her, only I kind of missed on the first looksie.
Hey, blow me, okay? It was such a mess down there that anyone could have missed. It was an honest mistake.
"Oops!" she giggled, looking back at me.
"Oops!" was right. I'd just fuck-shredded her taint to where it was sort of ... gone. My little Prince Albert with the dangling Oakland Raiders skull charm had well and truly obliterated her fleshy dividing line between good, clean biblical fun and Kelsey's idea of Wednesday night at the bowling alley.
"That'll learn ya!" she sniggered. "Now you have no excuses. You better be able to find somewhere wet to stick it in down there."
Sneering at her like the big dopey douche that I am, I rammed myself back in; though I wasn't exactly sure where I landed, it felt vaguely grabby and passably viscous. Good enough.
"Kel, you just bear down, or I won't let Amanda take you to Waffle House."
Kelsey giggled, "Damon, you know that if it were up to me, hell, I'd let you split me open with a mace. The thing is, I just hate to get my skirt dirty. What with all this blood and gore, my pretty little skirt is gonna be hella messy when we go to the mall after school."
Kelsey's best friend Amanda was intently watching us, and I grinned to her, "Do it."
Like a performing seal waiting expectantly for a sardine treat, Amanda excitedly clapped her hands together, then...
"AAAAAEIIIIIFUUUCK!!" screamed Kelsey, launching herself straight up into the air.
Sitting back with a smug look, Amanda was conspicuously rolling a can of Bactine between her fingers.
"Kelsey, climb down from there! You're making a spectacle of yourself!" I said.
Kelsey was hanging from a light fixture, panting heavily while staring down with murderously loving eyes at Amanda.
Dangling that way, she looked like a really sexy spider monkey ... with a bleeding ass.
While teasingly waving the can of Bactine around, Amanda blew her a kiss.
Anyway, we were in second-period American History class, and the Redbull vodka I'd shotgunned after first-period had just kicked in. Swear to god, Jenkins' lecture was beyond boring. So, having nothing better to do, I'd started fucking Kelsey in the ass atop my desk, and Amanda had our school's A/V crew there filming it.
When Jenkins eventually caught us, he did his best Mr. Hand from Fast Times at Ridgemont High impression, smirking, "Damon, Kelsey, I trust you brought enough for the rest of the class."
A small, stringy gloop of hot teen cheerleader viscera plopped onto my desk, followed immediately by a giggling Kelsey, who'd finally let go of the light fixture.
Landing with a thud, she broke my pencil.
Amanda picked up the cracked pencil and showed it to Kelsey. "You're gonna pay for this," she said threateningly.
"Oh, gawwwwd, I hope so!" cried Kelsey, launching a cool arcing of cum and red blood cells onto Amanda's beaming face.
As Amanda tried to lick it up - looking a lot like a really hot bulldog with its mug covered in peanut butter - Kelsey launched herself with a cute cheerleader growl over the desk and into Amanda's lap.
"Yes, I am gonna pay, starting right now!" she giggled. Ripping Amanda's panties off, she flung them at some fat kid we all called Ouch. We called him that 'cause every day when he knelt at his locker the other kids would carry their book bags really low to clip him in the head as they walked by.
His ears always looked funny. Ouch liked egg sandwiches. Damn, he had the worst farts.
Punting Ouch out of his chair, Kel let loose with a killer Viking scream before smashing the chair against the wall; once, twice, until finally it shattered.
Like a fat lady from Wisconsin enjoying her first four orders of roast mutton and bangers at a Renaissance Faire, Kelsey snatched up one of the legs of the shattered chair in her hungry maw. "Punish me! I've been a bad, bad cheerleader!" she growled, spitting the jagged shard of wood into Amanda's lap.
Realizing what had to be done, Amanda immediately ordered Kelsey into the Scorpion Position against the wall.
"Cool move," said Bart, the crackhead of our class, having just woken up due to all the smashing and screaming.
Yes, it was definitely a cool move. In fact, it was part of their Teen Cheerleader Porn USA routine, which, besides winning the state cheerleading championships for them, was also something the girls hoped to make a mint from on the internet.
Facing the wall, Kelsey was grasping her foot, having stretched that leg all the way over her head from behind; her other leg was straight as an arrow, the end result being that it looked like she had a scorpion's stinger poised above her head.
Of course the other result was that she looked sexier than moist scarlet fuck. She was like a sexy Gumby, only with a hot, steaming bread bowl of Manhattan clam chowder between her awesome legs.
'We probably need to put a tourniquet or something on that. Meh ... maybe later. She's still being sexy, ' I thought, grinning to myself.
"I've been baaaad, Amanda, and you know what you do to baaaad girls," hissed Kelsey.
Pondering her next move, Amanda eyed the broken chair leg for a few moments before turning back to Kelsey. "Will you still be good for waffles later?"
Kelsey grinned, "I'm always good for waffles. You know me. I luuuvs me some waffles, and I really luuuvs me some nasty truckstop waitresses. They can ass-spatula me all they want over their hot griddles."
"Okay then. I just wanted to make sure we didn't spoil your appetite."
Reaching into her backpack to pull out a strap-on, Amanda hooked it around her hips. Grinning evilly, she removed the wildly unsatisfying eight-inch dildo; in its place she wedged the jagged chair leg, which jutted out a good eighteen inches.
She looked like a golden blonde Pinocchio goddess with a Literotica story-sized jagged wooden cock.
Kelsey eyed her with the same sort of naked lust that I reserve for my swimming teammate Brian after he pisses on my balls in the shower, or when Erik the Fag bends over to retrieve his 'accidentally' dropped bottle of patchouli-scented bath gel while offering me up just a scrumdiddlyumptious view of his tortured leathery Cheerio.
Kelsey said, "Fuck me, Amanda. Fuck me like you mean it, you beautiful pussy."
Moments later there was a beautiful display of teen cheerleader ass-blood splattering the windows.
With a song in my heart, I felt like Ice Cube. Truly, it was turning out to be a good day.
"Hey, Carynne, wanna ride?"
School had let out, and we were headed over to the Waffle House. Kelsey, Amanda and I were all stuffed into Amanda's two-seater Miata, with Amanda sitting on me. She thought it best to give Kelsey's ass, pussy and not-really-much-of-a-taint-anymore a little time-out, so we let Kelsey drive.
I like hats. I own all sorts of hats, ranging from mesh Snap-On tools baseball caps to Kenny from South Park's green, woolly earmuffs thing, to colorful sombreros, to those little pillbox deals the Queen Mother always wears.
Some people say I'm a raging gaywad. I prefer to think of myself as eclectic.
Without a doubt, though, my favorite hat is wearing Amanda like one. That's why I love convertibles. When you're driving home from school, nothing beats having a naked blonde cheerleader's ass bouncing off your face, her legs wrapped around your head.
Amanda's pussy always smelled like ... victory.
Before we'd taken off from school, Amanda had let me use some of my leftover lunch to give her a nice dessert douche, so on that particular day her pussy smelled like victory and kiwi lime pie.
In fact I was still nibbling on some Amanda-scented pie crumbs when we pulled up to the curb in front of our school's gym.
I always liked our school's gym. It looked rather festive, I thought.
'Teen Fucktoy High School - Home of the Snarling Beavers, ' read the arched lettering above the double doors of the gym.
Our cheerleaders had the cutest logos on their sweaters, what with our mischievous-looking cartoon beaver snarling out from between the spread legs of a big-breasted hooker from outer space.
Our football team looked cool, too. We were the only team in our league whose helmets sported alien hookers with snarling beaver pussies.
For a high school, we sure sold lots of team-logo t-shirts.
So, anyway, Carynne was lying out naked on the grass in front of the school, just minding her own business, quietly fucking a rake - the sharp, pointy end.
I liked Carynne. She was neat. Fun girl, that Carynne.
Once she saw us, she waved and got up to come say hello. With a cute little grunt she clenched her pussy, spanning off the head of the rake. Giggling as she made her way over to us, she kept herself impaled by the metallic tines after kicking the broken shaft across the grass.
"I'll deal with you later," she said to it.
Predictably, it just looked up at her with a baleful, wooden expression.
Amanda giggled, "Sweetie, with that rake sticking out of your pussy, you look like a horny peacock! Baby, get rid of that thing, and hop in!"
"Where are we going?" she asked, ditching the rake before climbing happily into the Miata.
It was a tight fit. Amanda was already wrapped around my head, my tongue buried in her snatch, so Carynne wedged her perfect little slut-body across Kel's and my lap. Just like always, she ended up with her face in my crotch. Since it was right there again, of course she pulled out my cock and swallowed it. Shit, counting the one she sorta gave me during English Lit, I think that was my fourth blowjob from her that day. Anyway, she sucked on it for a few seconds, then, pulling back with a big grin, she looked up at Amanda's winking pussy. "Oh, that's right. It's Tuesday, huh? Waffle House?"
"You know it!" laughed Kelsey, peeling out into the street. At that same moment, Carynne punched her little fist into Amanda's pussy, drilling me right in the mouth.
"Owww!" I shouted. "You little whore, you busted my tooth!"
She just giggled, "Hey, before we go eat, can we stop by Katie's dorm? I told her that I would let her pee all over me, and she's going to be teaching her sorority's leadership training class today, so we thought it'd be pretty sweet to kill two birds with one stone."
"Fine by me," Kelsey said, swinging the car over the median, directly into oncoming traffic.
Swerving wildly in a desperate attempt to avoid us, a school bus full of orphans rolled over a gay-ass Prius before crashing into an enormous liquid propane tank, and the whole lot blew up in a big, bitchin' mushroom cloud.
'Cool. That's a couple dozen fewer deadbeat orphans for my dad's tax dollars to get wasted on, ' was my first thought.
When the bus exploded, Carynne giggled on my cock while saying to Kel, "Smooth move, Ex-Lax!"
Right away a bunch of cop cars showed up and tried to pull us over. "Oh, fabulous," I sneered. "Fucking losers. Jeez, isn't there a crime somewhere you guys oughtta be fighting?"
Giggling, Amanda playfully bopped me on the nose. "Oh, you! And hey, did I give you permission to stop eating? I don't think so!"
This big crazy-looking Nazi cop jumped out of the first cruiser. He was barreling over to our car, and even from far away I could tell he was kinda pissed. Sure enough, he started screaming at us, "Do you guys see what you just did? You killed all those people, and you blew up half the neighborhood!"
"This could be serious," Amanda said to me, "but I was almost there, so don't stop! Right there! Bite it!"
I bit her clit, and she pounded happily on my shoulder blades. Her long blonde hair looked awesome in the firelight from the big, stupid explosion.
With a killer 'thwop' sound, Carynne pulled her fist out of Amanda's pussy before stuffing it into her own.
"Think you can make yourself cum before Officer Gestapo Head gets here?" Kelsey asked her.
"Twice, easy," grinned Carynne. Sitting up, she threw her thighs around the center console, impaling herself on the gearshift knob. "Kinda lacking in girth, but this still feels pretty deece," she giggled. With a devious expression she hissed, "Damon, quick, spin me!" When she pulled her knees up against her chest, I took her by the hips and began to spin her around that gearshift like she was a Lazy-Susan fucktoy.
"Wheeeeeee!!" she giggled. "Faster!"
I went into Benihana chef mode, my arms working in a frenzy as I spun her, and she cried out with her first orgasm.
"Better hurry up, girl, he's almost here..." Kelsey said, insouciantly checking her mascara in the rearview mirror.
"Quick, Kel! Hair brush!" hissed Carynne.
Reaching down into the door pocket, Kelsey pulled out an oversized pink hairbrush.
Lying back, Carynne spread her legs, and Kelsey wasted no time in stabbing the thick end of the hairbrush into Carynne's pussy.
"Aeeeeiii!! I meant the other end, you idiot! The handle end! Aeeeiii!! Bristles! Bristles! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" cried Carynne, rapid-fire.
Since Officer Hitler was fast approaching our car, Kelsey assaulted Carynne's pussy like Floyd Mayweather working the speed bag, and Carynne let go with a huge gush of girl cum, splashing the fascist cop right across his Top Gun Ray-Bans.
Pulling off his dripping glasses, the cop looked into our car.
Kelsey was sitting on a towel, letting her bloody ass and pussy gently pool up to form it into a nice, spongy tampon. A completely naked Carynne was sprawled out across our laps, with little aftershock geysers dribbling from her tiny pussy. Me? I still had my Amanda hat on.
"Never mind! They're cheerleaders!" he yelled to his cop buddies, making a motion with his hands and hips like he was fucking. When they gave him the thumbs-up, he shot them the double finger-pistols.
With all the other cops and emergency personnel watching and waiting, he went back to his squad car and said over the loudspeaker, "IT'S OKAY! WE GOTTA LET 'EM GO! THEY'RE HOT TEEN CHEERLEADERS!"
When Kelsey waved at him and blew him a kiss, he pretended to catch it and shove it down his pants, then we drove away.
"Hey, Katie. I didn't know whether you'd eaten yet, so I brought you some food," Carynne smiled, gesturing to Kelsey, Amanda and me.
"What took you so long? And yes, I'm famished," Katie said, hungrily eyeing Kelsey's bloody tourniquet.
Carynne smirked, holding up her palms in apology. "Sorry, we would have been here sooner except Kelsey killed a bunch of shortbus retards, then we got hassled by some horny cops. No biggie. Did we miss anything?"
"No, the girls haven't all assembled yet, and we were just warming up the mechanical bull."
"You got that thing working again, huh?" Kelsey asked with a salacious grin. She was fingering her gory flower, her interest piqued at the mere mention of the mechanical bull.