Chapter 3: The Satisfied Man

John:

Without a doubt, it was the strangest and most satisfying Sunday afternoon I have ever spent in my life. I am not referring to just the sex either, although it was more than great all by itself. This was a whole new experience for me, to talk to a woman and have a complete and interesting conversation where we communicated. She was not a sports fan and said so. But there were other things for us. In the kitchen for instance, I am always out of place, except as a visitor waiting for food. I don't mean to make her sound like a June Cleaver type out of the fifties. That definitely was not my Julie, not one little bit. She cooked because she enjoyed it. For her it was and is sufficient. She was a woman, and proud to be one, because that is what she was born to be. We played none of the phony conversational games that so many people call communicating. Instead, we communicated.

As we talked we found that we had the same taste in news and the same political views, except she didn't have my hard assed attitude toward druggies. As far as I was concerned, lock 'em up and keep them locked up until they decided it was better to quit using. I also believed in the death penalty for all drug dealers. I just didn't see why my tax money had to be spent saving souls when it didn't work and the only good was to give an otherwise useless bureaucrat a paycheck. Julie was (and is) gentler than me. But, what the hell, all in all, I couldn't have found more of a woman than Julie, anywhere, any time, who fit me like she did and does.

So we spent the day talking and watching TV and hugging and kissing and all the rest. I took her on the sofa, on my lap and again on the floor. For a man hitting forty-five, I figure I did pretty good for my own smug self. She thought so too. We agreed that it would be better for us to spend the night in my apartment so I could keep an eye out for trouble. Since the door was broken and all.

On the other hand, there was no question on either of us about the new sleeping arrangements. By unspoken mutual agreement, we had decided we would sleep together from then on. We both felt the same thing and wanted to find out whether it was the real thing or just a short lived attraction. I was positive it was rock solid real and so was she, but we had both had love failures in our pasts and wanted to be real sure before making a permanent commitment. I wasn't the least bit worried about how things were going to turn out.

In the middle of the night we were woke up by a loud "Crash" coming from her apartment. I slipped out of bed and hurried as quietly as I could next door. Julie's door had been kicked down and there in her living room, facing away from me were those same two idiot cops, guns drawn, one looking right and one looking left. "They gotta be in here Like they was last time when he snuck up on us."

"No, ass holes, I am right here behind you," I told then and grabbed them around their necks and banged their heads together one time real hard. One fell to the floor and the other shook his head and turned toward me half stunned. I grabbed his hand and twisted. His wrist broke.

"Julie," I called to her, "Come over here as soon as you get dressed. We are going to have the cops come calling again" I collected their guns and tossed them over onto the couch, after I made certain the safeties were on. Then I grabbed them both by their belts, one in each hand and half dragged half carried them back over to my place.

I dumped them in the middle of the floor and set up my surveillance camera. I made sure there was a new disk in it all ready to go and turned it on. This time I activated the sound. The one with the broken wrist kept whimpering the whole time, not really paying any attention to what I was doing. Just as I finished setting the camera to where it was almost centered on them but took in the whole room, the other cop started to come out of it.

"Oooh damn, my head hurts what the hell happened?" he asked, unaware that the camera saw it all and recorded everything.

"I just beat the snot out of you two retarded clowns again for kicking my lady's door down," I answered him. "Tell me, what the hell is wrong with you two?"

"We came back to teach you a lesson in humility," he yelled as he reached for his side arm, "and buddy you're ... uh oh." He found his holster empty. He looked up at me from the floor, then, taking in my nakedness and asked in a pleading voice, "Mister, you're not going to do anything perverted to us with that big thing, are you?" I forgot I was still naked.

"He better not," Julie said as she came in behind me. "I'll personally cut it off and pickle it if he even looks at you with romance in his eyes"

"Jesus, Babe, you are joking, aren't you? I hope to hell you are." I saw the impish grin on her face and as mad as I was, I had to grin.

"Here," she said, "I found their guns where you left them. I also called 911 and told them to send more police. I also called the TV station. It'll be interesting who gets here first."

The TV people won. "Oh wow Sex and violence and policemen injured, great story" a woman's voice came from behind me. "Nice buns, too" she added.

I turned around and found a geeky looking young dude pointing a camera at me. Next to him stood a young honey blond staring at my crotch. "Well! You must be John. You got a great er ... profile. I'd recognize it anywhere" Unabashed and not the least bit concerned, she strode over and grabbed my hand and introduced herself, "Babs Stoker, Channel 3 News."

"Honey," Julie told her with steel in her voice that was all dangerous warning, "You had better pay attention to this disk I am about to give you and nothing more. His profile, as you so delicately put it is all mine." Then she said to me, "John, you go put some pants on right now."

No woman had ever talked to me like that before in my life. She was right though, I had made my point. I went back to her apartment and put my Dockers back on.

Then the cops came. Another suit came in and introduced him and wanted to know what was going on. I started to tell him when he turned to the TV people and said, "Point that dammed thing some place else or I'll take it away from you."

What is it with these cops? "Mister," I pointed out, "This is my house and I'll say what gets pointed where. The camera stays on." He frowned.

"You had better present me with a warrant, or have probable cause or you'll join those two ass holes there on the floor." Just then, the one I knocked out started to get up and I told him, "Stay down there, ass hole." He stayed.

The suit reached behind his back for the gun in his belt holster. I let him bring it out and almost point it at me. Then I kicked him in the nuts with the ball of my right bare foot and took the gun away from him as I followed through. He folded and fell to the floor beside the other two cops.

"Awesome move, dude" the cameraman yelled, "I got it all on the camera"

I called 911 and asked to speak to a ranking police officer, captain or above, please. "I am noting where this call is originating from. Aren't there two other police officers there now, sir?"

"Well, yes there are. But they are busy in front of the news camera and can't be bothered. That's why I'm calling."

"Well, I don't know, sir."

"Look, Lady, would you please give me your name so the viewers tuned to channel three will have a name to go with your stupid voice? I have this set up as a conference call and every golden word you say is being recorded." It wasn't, but the bluff worked.

A little later I heard, "Yah Who's this?" The sleepy voice mumbled into the phone.

My name is John Strait and so far I have taken guns away from three of your cops, the last one a lieutenant. I broke the wrist of one of your uniforms for trying to shoot me. I am in the middle of my living room. Your three cops are on the floor and there is a television camera taking this all in Now who am I talking to?"

"This is Chief Of Police John Cassidy, Mister, and this had better not be a joke." He sounded grim.

I motioned to the blond who liked my profile. She came over. "Chief, I am handing this phone over to a young lady you are probably on speaking terms. She will explain."

She took the phone and said, "Hi, Chief Cassidy, Babs Stoker here..." she listened for a moment and answered, "Oh yes, sir, there are, indeed, three of the city's finest on the floor. Yes, John did take their guns away from them and they are on the floor and one seems to have a broken wrist. Otherwise they are all in good condition."

They talked for a while longer. Then she handed the phone back to me and said, "Here, he wants to talk to you."

I accepted the phone and said, "I'm here."

"I am coming over there immediately to take charge. Give the guns to my officers. I am on my way."

"The hell I will," I said, but found myself talking into a dead phone. Well the hell with him, I was damned if I would give these chowder heads a loaded weapon in my home.

I removed the bullets from the revolvers and took the clip out of the automatic and ejected the shell from the chamber of the piece the suit had been carrying. Then I tossed them their guns and told them, "Don't reload or I'll hurt you." They believed me and we all waited. To fill in the time the pretty lady interviewed Julie and me.

Now what I didn't know was that this was going out over the air as what they call live feed. That meant what ever the camera saw the viewers got with little or no editing. Someone at the station used the little dancing pixels trick to hide my profile from the viewing audience. But somehow the pixels "accidentally" slipped a couple of times and the viewing audience saw me at my finest. The part where Julie ordered me to put my pants on went out, too. Later I found out how some of the female viewers liked that part the best.

Then my phone rang and Julie answered it. "It's for you," she said. I took the phone and answered it.

It was Saul Levinson, my lawyer. "John, you crazy idiot Do you realize that you are all over the news? Channel Three has been showing you buck-naked taking guns away from cops and generally making yourself look like a cross between Rambo and The Nude Raper. What the hell is going on? You want me there?"