Chapter 5

I've decided to talk to Meg tomorrow. Enough has gone on today and I don't think I can handle any more heavy discussion. However, when I went off to bed, I found I couldn't stop thinking about one thing in particular related to Megan.

"Honey, where's the video?" I asked Hubby.

"Hmm?" he murmured. "What video?"

"You know which one."

"Are ... do you mean ... the stripping video?"

"Yes, that's what I mean," I said.

"Why do you want that?" he asked.

"I uh ... I just can't stop thinking about it."

"You're not going to watch it again, are you?"

"Well," I said hesitatingly, surprised at his question, "I was thinking about it."

"That's our daughter, you know?"

"Wait a minute," I say, suddenly feeling indignant, "are you seriously implying that we shouldn't watch it, because it's our daughter doing the stripping?"

"Yes, I am."

"Are you kidding me? Alan, you're the one who showed it to me. And if I'm not mistaken, you were so horny you fucked me on the spot."

"I know. I got a little carried away."

"A LITTLE carried away? You jackass! A LITTLE? You begged me for months to let our son fuck me! You encouraged him to come on to me! You more or less pimped me to him!"

"I know ... I know."

"I'm not finished, Alan! You gave him my panties to jerk off in! You even talked about him knocking me up! And now you're gonna get all moral because I got a little turned-on by Megan? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Relax, O.K.?" he said, looking more than a little overwhelmed at my tirade.

"I can't believe you," I said, toning it down a few notches because I didn't want to be heard outside our bedroom. "What kind of a double standard is this? And seriously, when you watched the video with me you were horny as hell."

"I know, O.K.? I don't know what the difference is. I guess somehow, after we did it ... and after talking to her, I just feel differently."

"Look, Alan ... I'm going to have a very serious conversation with Megan tomorrow. But I feel very pent-up right now. It would help me calm down if you would just play along with me, the way I've done with you on so many occasions."

I pulled my nightshirt over my head and snuggled up next to him.

"Daddy..." I said in a sing-song voice. "Daddy, did you like my video? I made it just for you."

"Will you please... ?" Hubby said.

"Oh, please Daddy ... I need you tonight. Please ... can I just touch it for a minute?"

I slid my hand between his legs as I said this, only to find him totally limp.

"Daddy, I think I can make this hard. You want me to dance for you again?"

"I just can't O.K.?" Hubby said abruptly.

I was so pissed off. I felt like going on and on about what a double standard Hubby was throwing at me. Just my luck that thinking of Jason and me together, about which I was very reluctant, would make Alan super horny. But my getting a little turned-on by Megan's stripping and masturbation video would turn him off. In the end, rather than harping on it any more, which I knew would prove nothing, I just rolled over and waited for him to go to sleep. Then, as I've done probably thousands of times, I lay there wide awake, playing with myself. Although this time it wasn't Jason I was thinking of, it was Megan. Images of her taking her clothes off for the camera, talking to some unknown guy, then getting herself off, plus her voluptuous body, big boobs, beautiful ass raced through my head as I rubbed myself to orgasm twice before drifting off to sleep.

Tomorrow became today way too fast for me. But I couldn't put my talk with Megan off. I got Hubby to take Jason out of the house in the morning so Megan and I could be alone. As I was waiting for Meg to come out of her room after showering, I spent a minute to take stock of what I was dealing with. I knew I had ruminated enough about what happened with Jason and how I could have acted differently. The past was just that ... the past. What mattered was the moment I was in, and that I could make different choices this time.

I forced myself to acknowledge that even though I had become a slave to my lustful desires in the past, I didn't have to do so again. I could do things differently than I had previously. I know I only have these dilemmas where my insatiable need for sexual gratification is concerned. Otherwise I'm extremely level headed and rational. Damn that cruel libido! In any case, I vowed to make this about Megan and what she wants and needs ... not about me.

"Good morning, Honey," I said as Megan entered the family room.

"Hi Mom," she replied.

"How are you this morning?"

"Good. Where are Dad and Jason?"

"I sent them on some errands. I wanted a little time for us to talk."

As I anticipated, I got the major teen eye-roll.

"Mom ... seriously? I just got up. I'm still in my robe."

"Yes, seriously. We need to talk, Megan."

"About what?"

"Honey, you perfectly well about what. We need to talk about ... we need to really talk about what's been going on with you ... about what we discussed yesterday."

She gave me another look full of the desire to get out of talking. But she could tell that I was firm in my resolve this time, so she sad opposite me on the sofa and folded her arms.

"Whatever," she said flippantly.

"Meg, I'm not kidding. I'm really serious about this. Just listen to me before you tune me out, please."

Another eye-roll, but not quite as dramatic as the first.

"Thank you," I said. "I'll take that slightly less sarcastic gesture as a 'yes'. Meg, I want to start off by apologizing. You were absolutely right when you said we never talked about what was going on in the past, when you were so upset. I was way too focused on myself and I did a crappy job of paying attention to you. I'm really, really sorry, Honey."

It was clear that Megan was surprised to hear me start off like this. She looked at me straight-on this time, with no hint of disaffection.

"Really?" she said.

"Really Megan. Will you accept my apology?"

I hadn't expected to break through the wall so quickly. But soon I could see tears welling in my daughter's eyes.

"Yes," she whispered as she buried her head between her knees.

I moved over to her and put my hand on her shoulder.

"Thank you, Sweetie. I never meant to ignore you. It was just a crazy time that went on way, way too long."

I sat by her for several minutes stroking her shoulders until she finally lifted her head and wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her robe.

"Wow. Thanks, Mom."

"You're welcome, Honey. Thanks for accepting my apology." She nodded her head. "Now, if you're willing, I'd really like to talk. I want to hear what's going on with you and I want to answer any questions you have. I'll do everything I can to be totally honest and I hope you will too."

"I'll try," she replied. "So what was going on with you and Jason?"

Wham. She didn't waste any time going right for the heart.

"Uh ... O.K. Getting right the point, huh?" She gave me a slightly smug little grin. "All right, Meg. Well, that's a pretty broad question. Can you be a little more specific?"

"Sure. Why were you acting the way you were, especially like two years ago. You were always flirting with him and letting him flirt with you. And you were always touching each other. And please, please don't tell me it was my imagination, Mom."

I was about to go into my default mode of minimizing and denying. But I caught myself. I had promised to be honest with Megan and I was going going to try as hard as I could to keep that promise.

"Honey, you're totally right. It wasn't your imagination. And I'm sorry I ever tried to make you think it was. I just didn't know how to handle things at the time."

"Handle what, Mom? Tell me what was going on."

Time for Mom to take a few really deep breaths.

"Well, Sweetie ... it's long and very complex. But I'll give you the basics and we'll go from there, O.K.?"

"Sure."

"Dad and I have been married for a long time. And sometimes things can get a little ... routine ... in a marriage."

"You mean, like boring?" Megan asked.

"Um ... I wouldn't go that far, but sort of. And Honey, I want you to know that I love Dad so much. Our marriage is good is every other way. He loves me and I love him and we both love you and your brother more than you can imagine."

"I know that, Mom."

"I just don't want anything I say to make you think that your father and I aren't doing fine."

"I know, Mom. I can tell. But what do you mean, 'in every other way?'"

"Well, I mean other than..."

"Sex? Is that what you're trying to say? It's good in every other way than sex?"

"Sheesh. You are mature, aren't you? Yes, that's pretty much what I mean."

I hoped upon hope that she wouldn't want me to go into great deal about that whole ordeal. Thankfully, she didn't."

"O.K. I get that. So, what does that have to do with you and Jason?"

"Sometimes, especially when things become routine, like I said, something will come along that sort of gets the interest going again." She nodded her head slightly, indicating that she was following. "And ... this is hard to talk about ... but for some reason, a couple of years ago, Dad thought he noticed your brother looking at me. Like ... LOOKING at me."