Chapter 4

"What are you thinking you want to say to her?" Hubby asked.

"I honestly don't know," I replied. "I ... really ... I don't know. I wish I had a better sense of what's going on inside of Megan. I just couldn't tell if she's angry, or hurt, or defiant, or just a normal teenage girl going through her own stuff in her own way ... wrestling with her hormones and all that."

"Do you think she's having sex?"

"I ... I don't know. Again, I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised. But, who knows? I'll just have to talk to her, soon. And I'll see what I can find out. I just hope I haven't scarred her in some way. That's what I was always so afraid of."

"I know," he said. "I have to own some of it too, you know."

"Oh, I won't argue with you there," I replied, with a touch of sarcasm. "You got everything started. And you were pushy sometimes, but I went right along with you."

"Not always. You stopped it several times."

"I know. But I let it start up again too."

Preparing myself to have a very difficult conversation with my daughter brought back so many memories and emotions from my crazy run with Hubby and Jason. Megan was right that I hadn't really talked to her about things the way I should have. That might have helped with whatever she's going through now ... maybe even prevented it. Unfortunately I didn't understand my own reasons for what I was doing or feeling. There has never been a time in my life when emotions ran so high and really ruled me for such a long period of time.

Day after day my rational brain was telling me that both Hubby and I were flirting with disaster. But my libido was running on so much adrenaline that it won-out over logic most of the time. After I had genuinely flirted with Jason in his bedroom that first time, I came back to bed with Hubby begging to be fucked. It was that night that I first felt actual desire for my son. Not just fantasy or role play. I wanted him to be the one fucking me.

But the next morning I woke with my head throbbing like I had a hangover. The clear message I was giving myself was, "Are you totally and completely insane?" Over the next few days I decided I would tell Alan I couldn't continue with this crazy idea, no matter how much it turned him on. And whatever feelings in me that had surfaced because of it would just get buried where they belong.(If only it was that easy.) Jason had been acting totally normal since that night, so I figured he wasn't thinking there was anything strange about what happened. But then at the end of the week, he came home from school and messed up my perfectly good plan of denial.

Megan was at a different school then and she usually stayed after for activities. I've worked at home for years, so I was there when Jason got home. He found me in my upstairs office. He came in and sat in the chair across from my desk. I knew right away that something was on his mind because he normally came home from school and headed right to the basement to watch television rather than coming up to see me.

"Hi Honey," I said as he took his seat across from me. "What's up? How as school?"

"Good, Mom," he replied. "Good day."

Then he just sat there without saying anything, with a little smirk on his face.

"What's on your mind, Honey. I can tell something's up."

"Well, sort of, Mom. I just wanted to ask you about something."

"What's that?"

"You know when you came in my room the other night?"

I knew it couldn't go away that easily. As I'm wont to do sometimes, I foolishly tried to act as though I didn't know what he meant.

"I did? What night was that?"

"Mom ... seriously. I was on the phone ... and you came and knocked on my door, around bedtime ... remember?"

"MMmmm ... that night. Um, yes? What about it?"

"What was going on, anyway?"

"What do you mean, Honey?"

Good act ... very convincing ... LOL.

"Come on, Mom. Why did you come to my room? And why were you dressed the way you were?"

I suddenly felt embarrassed and I could tell that I was blushing.

"Honey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about that."

"Well, what was that about?"

"I was ... your dad and I ... I was just playing around, Honey. It was just a joke."

"Are you O.K., Mom? Your face looks red."

"Jason, I'm just a little embarrassed, all right? It was a foolish thing to do and I'm sorry."

"It's O.K., Mom. Really. You don't have to be embarrassed or anything. You didn't do anything wrong and you don't have to apologize."

"I think that I do. It was a silly thing to do. It won't happen again."

"Don't worry about it. But really, what was the silly thing? What were you trying to do?"

I had no idea how to respond. I didn't know that I could pull off some bullshit answer. He knew me too well to let that get by.

"Honey, it was just a ridiculous thing that Dad and I were talking about before we went to bed. He said something goofy ... well, about you. And we got to talking about it and I told him he was crazy. And we just ... I just ... I was just kind of teasing you, which I never should have done."

"I still don't get it, Mom. What ridiculous thing about me? I don't understand what you were teasing me about."

"You really want to talk about this, Honey?"

"Just tell me, Mom."

"Fine. Your father had this crazy idea that you ... that now that you're getting older ... that you..."

"That I what?"

"That you've been looking at me ... like a woman ... not just a mom. O.K.? I told him it was the silliest thing I had ever heard."

Jason was looking at the floor.

"What's the matter, Honey?" I asked.