Chapter 13

I didn't really think I would be off the hook (although I guess I secretly hoped for it). I just got so caught up in everything happening between Meg and me that I forgot there were still loose ends having to do with Jason. Of course, I knew my daughter, aka Little Ms. Tenacious wouldn't let it go. I let out a serious sigh.

"What's the matter, Mom?" Megan asked.

"Oh, nothing, Honey," I replied. "Nothing really. It's just that this is hard to talk about. But I know you really want to hear it, and I promised, so..."

"It's O.K. Mom. You don't have to tell me."

I wondered if my head was still spinning from the incredible sex. Did Megan just say I didn't have to tell her what she had wanted so much to know?

"What did you say?" I queried.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's O.K., really. I see it's hard for you and I don't want to make it harder."

Although there was very little light in which to stare at my daughter, I think my silence conveyed my surprise.

"Really, Megan? You're not gonna hold me to my promise?"

"No. I mean, yes, really. It's fine."

"Wow, Honey. I'm so impressed, and even touched. Thank you, Sweetie."

I pulled her to me for a hug.

"You're welcome, Mom."

I paused again to think for a few moments.

"You know what, Meg?"

"What, Mom?"

"I want to tell you. That is, if you still want to hear. I feel so close now that I really want you to know."

"Of course I want to hear, Mom. As long as you're sure."

"I am," I said. "I really am."

We settled into comfortable positions on the pillows next to one another. The storm had died down somewhat. I could still see flashes of lightning, but the claps of thunder took a while to follow, so I figured the storm was moving away. I took a deep breath and dove into the deep end of the metaphorical pool.

"You know the stories I was talking about?" Megan said she did. "Well, I started writing them because I felt so frustrated after I shut things down in Dad's little game with me and Jason. I told you my desires had been building up and ... like I said ... we played with ourselves here in this bed."

"Mm-hm."

"So, the stories I started were about moms and sons and sometimes other family members who were in a similar situation. You know, like all worked up about each other, knowing it was wrong but feeling such a strong pull to do it anyway?"

"Yeah, I understand, Mom."

"I figured writing stories and talking with people online would be enough to keep my mind off of things. And for a while it was, pretty much. Although I did still have fantasies, but it seemed they might stay fantasies. Unfortunately, that didn't last. As much as I thought what we had been doing was wrong, I realized I actually missed the excitement of the game we were playing. And then writing only got me all revved up again. And after that ... well, it was my mistake ... but one morning I didn't log out of my private email that I used for submitting my stories and talking to my online friends. I left for work and Dad sat down at the computer and accidentally found himself in my email."

"Uh-oh," Megan said. "Are you sure it was accidental?

"For sure," I replied. "Dad may have gotten twisted around all this stuff, but he's not a snoop at all. Since he was still totally into this thing when he saw the subjects of the emails in my inbox, he couldn't help himself. He started looking around. I'm sure I would have done the same thing. It didn't take him long to find my stories and he started reading them."

"And what happened?"

"Well, I had been telling him I wanted to stop things. But when he read what I was writing about he figured out pretty quickly that I hadn't put things out of my mind after all. So, he thought he could help rekindle the situation and without telling me, he tried to do just that."

"Like how?" she asked.

"He picked out some things he had read in my stories and tried to make them happen."

"What do you mean, Mom?"

"One example is, in one of the stories I wrote about a teenage boy who gets off with ... uh ... with his mother's panties. And when Dad read that, he started taking panties from my drawer and leaving them in Jason's bed."

"He did? No way!"

"Uh ... yes way. And your brother thought I was putting them there. He started making comments to me about my panties. I didn't know what he was talking about. I just thought he was flirting with me again, even though I told him we were going to stop. Of course, he WAS flirting with me, but he thought because of the panties, that I wanted to start up again."

"Did he ... do you know if he ... you know ... used them?"

"Yes, he did. I still didn't realize what was going on. Like I said, he was flirting with me, asking me what panties I was wearing, peeking down my jeans or up my skirt whenever he could. Then I started to find them in his laundry hamper. And he had used them. I thought about confronting him, but I didn't. I talked to your father about it and he admitted he had been leaving the panties for Jason."

"Were you pissed off at him?"

"I should have been, but I wasn't. I couldn't help that I was liking the attention from your brother again and it seemed to be having an affect on Dad too, so I didn't make a big deal out of it. So, then I kinda got involved in the whole game again."

"How?"

"I started wearing my pants lower on my hips so your brother could see my underwear, I started wearing more thongs and letting them stick out. Stupid things like that ... really stupid. I'm thinking maybe you remember some of that."

"Yeah, I do. I couldn't understand why you were doing that. And you were walking around in just your bra and panties a lot."

"I know. I couldn't help myself. Sorry that it was weird for you, along with everything else."

"It's fine, Mom," she said with a grin. "I got over it ... obviously."

"I guess you did. Anyway, I eventually broke down and started talking with Dad about it all again and it got even more intense than it had the first time."

"So what else did you and Jason do?"

"At that point, nothing much. But his interest renewed too, because he could tell mine had."

"How was it more intense?"

"Mostly because of what Dad was talking to me about. He really went back to wanting us to do it and for him to be able to watch. And, well ... he got even more freaky about it. He started saying it would be the coolest thing ever if Jason got me pregnant."

"Holy shit, Mom! Are you kidding me? Dad said THAT?"

"Yes he did. Ughhh ... I really shouldn't be telling you this."

"Whatever you want, Mom. I'm O.K. either way. Just go ahead and tell me what you want me to know."

"Thanks again, Sweetheart. But it feels O.K. I think it's better for me to tell somebody. It feels like this is helping me get some perspective on everything. O.K., yes, that was one of Dad's crazy thoughts. We were both nutty. Thankfully I never got totally wrapped up in that idea ... about him getting me pregnant. Before you ask, I'll admit that it crossed my mind. But I never seriously considered it.

The panties thing continued and we started the flirting and 'accidental' touching again. I was getting worked up all the time, at home and online with stories and emails, chat rooms where I met new people interested in what I was going through, and stuff like that. And like I think I told you, I even met a few people who I thought had really gone through the same kind of thing, in real life. There were plenty of goofs who were obviously fantasizing about it and who would claim it was real. But once in a while there was someone who seemed to be telling the truth about actual experiences.

At the same time I had the growing guilt feelings and they were getting worse. I was more and more worried about you. But I was getting more ... no other way to put it ... horny. I was getting more horny all the time. Then something I hadn't even considered happened out of the blue."

"What, Mom?" Megan asked.

"Jason came home and told us he had his first serious girlfriend."

"Which one was that? Not Zoe, right?"

"No, a couple before Zoe. The first one was Leah."

"Oh yeah. Why was that such a big deal?"

"I'm so embarrassed to say it, but I was jealous. I had been living in this fantasy world ... this totally unhealthy, bizarro fantasy world. Your brother had become like my little plaything. It was like there were two Jasons. One who was my normal son and one who was a character in my sexual imagination. And the sexual side wasn't the least bit rational at that point. So I got jealous.

I got much more assertive with Jason, then. I was grabbing him and kissing him when no one was around. I was going out of my way to let him see my body. I was just teasing the heck out of him. Even Dad noticed and sometimes thought I was going too far. In my moments of clear thinking I really started to hate myself. Leah was great and it was totally appropriate for your brother to start having serious girlfriends."

"So what did you do, Mom?"

"One evening when Jason was home, you were at one of your friends' house and Dad was working late. I figured that I would really go for it and show Jason that I wanted him ... and make sure he knew that he wanted me. He was downstairs and I was here in my room. I decided I would put on a show. I got out the sexiest lingerie I had and put it on. I put on make-up like I was going out on the town. I made myself as sexy as I possibly could. I went down to throw myself at Jason and see what happened. And I was hoping something would REALLY happen. I was ready."

"Wow, Mom. So what DID happen?"

"I came downstairs and just before slinking into the living room, I looked in from the dining room. I didn't know that Leah had come over. She was on the couch with Jason and they were kissing. Not even making out ... just kissing. I just froze and watched for a minute. The light wasn't on in the dining room, so they couldn't see me. Then I sneaked back up here without them knowing I was ever there. I felt like a perverted, obsessed mother who was intruding on her son's life. I didn't know what to do about my guilt. I lay down on my bed in my lingerie and thought about seeing Jason and Leah on the couch. Next thing I knew I was diddling myself like a mad woman. It seems orgasm can be a good cure ... or at least a salve for guilt. I decided in the midst of that masturbatory frenzy that I was going to get what I wanted and that if I didn't, I'd go crazy.

The next chance I got I talked to Dad about it. I explained what I was feeling and what I needed to do. I told him that I was asking him for a special gift that only he could give me. I wanted a few hours alone with Jason, no questions asked. Dad really wanted to be there, or at least to know all about it afterward, but I told him I couldn't have it that way. I needed to be totally alone with Jason. I needed to get the lust out of my system and for that reason it couldn't be about your father's desires."

"What did Dad say?"

"He wasn't very happy about it, especially that he couldn't watch. But he understood. I don't think he'd refuse me anything if he knew I really wanted it. And he didn't refuse. He agreed to what I had asked for. The following Saturday Dad made arrangements to take you out of the house ... horseback riding, I think."

"Really? I remember that! That was so you could be alone with Jason?"

"Of course Dad really wanted to spend time with you. But yes, it was at my request, and for that reason. So, you and Dad left to go to breakfast and then to the stable. I didn't dress-up or do anything out of the ordinary this time. I just went to talk with your brother wearing my jeans and a t-shirt. He was downstairs watching a rebroadcast of some football game. I went right up to him and reached out for his hand.

He gave me a confused look, but he let me lead him up here to my room. Once he saw where I was taking him I think he was less confused. I sat him down on the edge of the bed and stood right in front of him. I explained that I had asked to be alone with him so that I could finally put an end to all the flirting and game playing between him and me. I said that if he wanted to he could get up and leave and never hear about it again, that it would be over for good. Then I said that on the other hand, if he had ever wanted to carry through on what we had been doing, that this was the chance for us to do that."