Chapter 10

I couldn't think about Jason just then. I had gotten what I wanted ... his permission to talk freely to Megan. I did my best to put Jason out of my mind for the time being, as I had unfinished business with my daughter. I wished I could roll the clock back an hour and have her alone again. The next best thing was to navigate to the next opportunity. I hoped for Alan and Jason to both find their way out of the house again. But instead it was Jason and Megan who took off leaving Hubby and me alone. I decided this wasn't all bad, as I wanted to talk to him as well.

"I guess it's just you and me for a while," I said to Alan as I sat down opposite him in our living room.

"Looks that way," he replied.

"How was your morning with Jason?" I asked.

"Good. We had a good time. How about you and Meg?"

"Well, interesting," I replied.

"Oh ... you were having, 'the talk', weren't you?"

"'Fraid so, Honey. I couldn't wait on it."

"I figured as much."

"Are you upset? You seemed pretty tightly wound about it last night."

"I know," Alan replied. "I'm sorry. I'm not sure why it just didn't feel right. Everything you said was really on target. I wasn't being fair."

"Well, thank you, Honey. I appreciate that."

"So, what now?" he asked.

"Well, so far I've been talking to Megan about how she's feeling. I asked her about the video and she wasn't ready to tell me who the guy was on the other end of the phone."

"I just can't figure it out. What else did you talk about?"

"Before I say any more, I want to tell you that I think she's really matured, Alan. I know she got really upset a while back. I asked her about it and she said she was more confused than upset. And that more than anything she felt like she was left out of whatever the three of us were doing."

"Seriously?"

"Yes. I felt a lot better about my fears that we had totally warped her with our shenanigans."

"I'm glad," Alan said sincerely, "for you and for Megan."

"Me too," I replied. "What she did want to know was what had been going on, especially with Jason and me."

"What did you tell her?"

"I gave her a very vague idea, but I said I didn't feel comfortable telling her more details without getting Jason's permission."

"Good one," Hubby said. "That should put her off for a while."

"Honey, I wasn't meaning to put her off. I already asked Jason and he said I could go ahead and tell her."

"Are you serious? Are you actually going to?" he exclaimed, seeming agitated suddenly.

"Calm down, Big Boy. Look, she's too smart and too mature to keep in the dark. She knows plenty already, just from what she saw around the house. And she won't give up until she finds out what she wants to know."

"I suppose I can understand that. So, what are you gonna do?"

"I'm going to talk to her. But I have a big favor to ask, Honey."

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Well, Alan ... do you remember the gift you gave me, involving Jason? Do you know what I'm talking about?"

"Of course I do. What does that have to do with this?"

"I'd like you to do the same for me and Megan. Let me have time alone with her. I need that to talk and not be interrupted."

"Just talk? I don't believe you."

"I didn't say 'just talk' Alan. Honestly I don't know what's going to happen. And I could take her away somewhere, but being alone here with her would make things much more comfortable. What do you think?"

Hubby just stared at me.

"Alan, what's wrong? Are you still feeling weird about this ... with Megan?"

"I don't know. I guess."

"Honey, you know full well I would never do anything to hurt her, or to coerce her into doing anything she didn't totally want to do."

"I know you wouldn't. It's just ... I..."

"What? What's bothering you about this? Please tell me."

"I just keep thinking about how you stopped things before because Megan was so upset. You were really worried about her. And now it seems like you're just going for it."

"Well, Honey ... I will admit that after you pushed me so hard on Jason, I appreciate your concern about Megan. But let me remind you that you were constantly reassuring me that Jason was totally cool with what was going on and that you would stop any time if you thought he wasn't. You were right. And that's how I feel about Meg now. Trust me, O.K.?"

'O.K. I think I can do that."

"Well, do you think you can take Jason somewhere?"

"I'm sure I can. They're playing exhibition pro football games near his college. He'd be glad to go on an overnight and see one, then spend a little time looking around school. He loves that stuff."

"Oh, thank you, Honey. Thank you so much. I so, so appreciate it."

"Well, I know I was kind of a jerk ... many times ... with the Jason thing. And I'm trying not to be one now."

"You're doing great. Thank you again, Alan."

He was true to his word and later that afternoon he and Jason were off on their boys' excursion. When Megan came home she asked where they both were.

"Where's Dad and Jason?"

"They went on a little boys' overnight ... to Jason's school."

"What for?"

"Dad just wanted some time alone with Jason before he goes away in a few weeks."

"Really?" Megan replied with a hint of skepticism.

"What do you mean, 'really?'" I queried.

"They went just out of the blue? Don't you guys usually plan stuff like that/ What's really going on, Mom?"

"Meg, there's nothing going on."

"I have a feeling you had something to do with it. I'm not saying it's bad. I just think you maybe wanted it to happen."

"Why would you think that, Megan?" I said, seeing she was clearly on to me.

"Because I think you want to continue what we were talking about this morning. It's cool, Mom. It's just funny."

"What's funny?"

"Just your little 'plan.' It's funny. How did you get them to go?"

"I can't get anything past you, can I? I just asked Dad if he would like to do that and he said yes. So they went."

"Did you tell Dad why?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Will you just be straight with me, please? Did you tell him it was so we could continue our talk from this morning?"

"Yes. If you must know, yes I did."

"Knew it," Megan replied.

"What am I gonna do with you?" I said.

"That's up to you, I guess. After all, you're the mom. You're in charge."

"Sometimes I wonder ... you little twerp."

She gave me a big smile which told me this banter was all in fun. But I could also sense a little nervous anticipation about what would happen that night. I recognized it because I was feeling the same thing. But for the next couple of hours we had business as usual. Megan helped me get the house in order, then she gave me a hand with the simple dinner I made for the two of us. I couldn't help but notice while we ate that she was more friendly toward me than she had been in a while. I hoped the wall was really coming down.

We cleaned up after dinner, then decided to watch a movie. Megan told me she was going to take a quick shower because she had worked out and felt grungy. Hearing her say that made the sound of a shower sound good to me too. A short time later we both showed up in the family room. We laughed when we saw that we were both in our robes, both wearing slippers and both toweling our still wet hair.

"I guess this really is girls' night in, huh?" I said.

"Looks like it, Mom," she replied.

Megan chose a movie that we had watched many times together when she was younger. I don't know if it was her intention to hearken back to a time when she and I were much closer. But that was the affect watching that movie had on me. The wall was indeed tumbling down.

"Good choice, Sweetie," I said when the movie had finished.

"Yeah, that was fun," she said. "So, what now?"

"How about I light a fire?"

"Cool, Mom!"

Lighting a fire in the fireplace was for our family, a sign that we were going to settle in, probably put on music for background and just hang out together. While I lit the fire, Megan took care of the tunes. A minute later we were back on the couch, sitting opposite one another just as we had been early that morning.

"So, where were we?" Megan said.

"What do you mean, Hon?" I replied, knowing full well what she meant. I felt like playing coy a bit.

"Where were we in our conversation when we were interrupted this morning?"

"Ohhhh ... THAT where were we," I said with a smile.

"Yeah, that one. So?"

"Well as I remember, Meg ... I think you were saying something about both of us being in our robes. And uh ... here we are."

"Oh yeah. I remember now, Mom. And I also remember you were just saying that you had been thinking about me."

"Right. Good memory, Kid. I did admit to that. Ever since that video ... which you still haven't told me about ... about who was on the phone with you."

"That's true, Mom. But if I remember something else right, I also think you were going to tell me what happened between you and my brother as part of that deal. You would tell me and I would tell you. And you found a way out of that one."

"Honey, I told you that I couldn't tell you more without your brother's permission."

"And I'm sure you avoided him all day today just to make sure that you couldn't ask, right?"

"As a matter of fact, Young Lady, I asked him immediately after we came upstairs, when he was looking for his shoes."

That little tidbit took her by surprise.

"You did? No way! You did not!"

"Ah, but I did, Honey. I went into his room, closed the door and asked him."

"Seriously? What did he say? Wait ... what did you say?"

"I told him that you were getting curious about what's been going on in the last couple of years and that I wanted to tell you, but that I wanted to respect his privacy. Just like I told you."

"And what did he say?"

"Jason said he was surprised that you wanted to know anything because it upset you so much before. I told him you had made a big jump in maturity, which you clearly have, and that you seem to be ready, since you're the one asking."

"And? Then what did he say?"

"He said he didn't mind me sharing what happened with you."

"Whoa," Megan said in a low voice, after which she just stared at me.

As for my part, I felt much better than I had in the morning. I was more myself ... more in control. I wasn't sure if I was more in control of the situation, but I was of myself and my emotions. I vowed not to lose my head in the heat of the moment again. Megan's comment about me being in charge somehow added to my sense of calm.

"So, there we are, Meg. Whatcha' wanna do now?"

I then noticed that some of her bravado had ebbed since this morning and from the level it had reached in the last few days. She wasn't calling the shots. I reminded myself not to take advantage of that and swing the pendulum too far the other way either.

"I don't know, Mom. It just feels nice being here with you like this."

"To me too, Sweetie," I replied.

We just sat there for a few minutes not saying anything. We looked at the fire. We looked at each other. We took in the first peaceful moments that the two of us had experienced alone together in a long, long time. Finally I very gently attempted to move things forward and see what might happen.

I slipped my thumb under the tie-belt of my cotton robe and loosened it very casually. Megan watched as closely as she could while pretending not to notice. I then pulled the two ends of the tie apart and just let them lie there on my lap. Megan eventually spoke, still feigning ignorance of my gesture.

"When are Dad and Jason coming home?" she asked.

"Probably late tomorrow," I replied. "Probably like nine or so."

"Oh. That's cool."

"Hey Meg?" I said, unable to wait any longer to see if we were going anywhere, or if we were just going to spend a normal mother and daughter evening together. "What about the robes? What do you think?"

"What do I think?" she replied.

"Yeah," I said. "Did you still wanna do what you talked about?"

I slipped my fingers under the right side of my robe and pulled it open just enough to partially expose a breast. I couldn't read what Megan was feeling. I didn't know if she wanted to play 'you show me yours I'll show you mine, ' or wanted to run and hide.

"I ... um ... I don't," she mumbled.

"Meg, Honey ... are you O.K.? Sweetheart, I'm just doing what I thought you wanted, because I admitted to myself that I wanted it too. But we don't have to do anything at all. I want to be with you in whatever way you want to be with me. O.K.?"

"Thanks, Mom. No ... I'm fine. I ... do still want to do what I talked about. It's just that ... It just feels..."

"Let me guess. It feels a little more scary now that we're all alone, it's nighttime, and all of a sudden it's real?"

"Yeah," she said. "Something like that."

The nervous smile she gave me told me that she wasn't withdrawing from me, which was a relief. She was genuinely nervous about what might happen.

"Is there anything you wanted to talk about, Meg? I mean anything. Not just what we've been talking about. Although that's fine too. I'm up for whatever you want."

She paused to think.

"I think I know what I want to ask."

"Go for it, Meg."

"What was the deal with the stories you said you wrote?"

Gulp. How quickly my confidence can retreat. But I centered myself and rose to the challenge.