Chapter 4

We're at an interesting stage, are we not? Our Natalie has recognised that she has a problem and is making positive moves to tackle it; but that is going to take time. She's got a new job, which is looking good (but what about her boss?) and that is going to help her confidence. She knows Stephanie, now, and that she isn't a threat, but she doesn't know about Alison.

Charles is now rather distracted by Alison. Actually, make that very distracted. Alison may or may not see him as a long-term prospect, but she's certainly going to make the most of him while she can. What hasn't been said is that she's a teacher ... and the summer holidays are about to begin. As far as Charles knows, Natalie doesn't want to see him again. He doesn't know about her contacts with his sister; Stephanie won't — can't — tell him without breaching confidentiality. Although their sessions are informal, Steph is a professional and, much as she would like to, will not use her position to influence Natalie's choices.

The summer is the season for rallies and events. 'Owners Clubs', county shows, veteran and vintage vehicle shows. Some attractions, like the Crich Tramway museum in Derbyshire, offer free admission to owners of classic vehicles, arriving with those vehicles, if they are prepared to park them within the display area on special event days. There's enormous potential for two of our characters to spend a lot of time together (unless there's a spate of computer crashes during the summer, of course... )

End of term is but a few weeks away. Teachers don't get anything like the free time they used to have; new policies and procedures, rigid curriculum, oh, so many things mean that even when they get home they have a great sea of paperwork to wade through, so until the holidays begin Alison is limited, really, to weekends to establish herself solidly in Charles' life.

She's made a good start. We left them in her bed having a 'morning quickie', after which they showered and had brunch. Charles pleaded that he had to catch up on his admin, as he'd been out all Saturday, and Sunday was now half gone, and he did escape; but not until after a lengthy and passionate snog.

There's an old and pithy saying... "a stiff prick has no conscience" and it is true that Alison did not have enormous difficulty in seducing Charles. The other side of the coin, so to speak, is that sex is a bonding mechanism. There are those who can hop from bed to bed with no problems, but they are overcoming quite a powerful biological mechanism. True, the male (in most species) is programmed to spread his seed widely, but in most cases there is attachment on the part of the female and at least some sense of 'possession' on the part of the male. In humans, all this is very variable. Charles is a man with monogamist tendencies. One woman is enough for him. He's just experienced some very good (if not actually mind-blowing) sex with a total fox of a woman. It's going to be a struggle, if he actually wants to detach himself from Alison, and he's hardly motivated to struggle; while Alison is motivated to hang on to him. We have a sort of equilibrium, here.

Through the summer, Alison and Charles do, indeed spend quite a lot of time together. Of course, much of it was in travelling to or from events and in the socializing at said events; occasionally taking a trip to the sea, at Cleethorpes, Skegness, Bridlington, Filey or Scarborough. They took off to the Lake District, loaded up with camping gear and spent a few days by the side of Coniston Water. Small tents are just that — small. It is perfectly possible to make love in a small tent (provided you don't want to be acrobatic), but one thing Charles was very aware of is how sound travels on a camp site. No tent material offers any resistance to sound whatsoever, and Alison was not particularly quiet. It was embarrassing. That aside, it was a wonderful summer, warm and dry enough to make motorcycling a pleasure and the events popular, with sufficient rain to prevent the entire country from being drought-stricken.

Meanwhile, Natalie was still immersed in her organisation of the charity office. The CEO had given up on any extra-curricular activity, but still took her out to lunch perhaps once a week. Relationships within the office had stabilised, everyone knew what was expected of them and, on the whole, were meeting or exceeding expectations. She was still meeting Stephanie in the evenings; some weeks twice; pressure was off Steph during the summer with so many people away on holiday, but somehow they seemed to have reached a plateau. Stephanie had a clear idea if her upbringing, childhood and education, but still had no handle on why she had spent her life somehow avoiding or deflecting romantic associations.

Towards the end of August, Stephanie began a session by saying,

"Natalie; we've come a long way, and, I think, we've formed a good working relationship."

"Yes, I'd agree with that, Steph."

"Somehow, the key to the problem is evading us, though. I don't think we can get any further in this direction. I can help you work on behavioural techniques, which can help you change the way you relate to people, but there's something I'd like to try first. Actually, I want to combine two things."

She looked at Natalie, who met her eyes, but did not say anything immediately; after a long pause, she nodded.

"So; what I want to try is a guided fantasy, but I want to combine that with some prayer, if that's ok with you."

Natalie nodded, "I trust you, Steph, you know that."

"Yes, but I have to ask!" She lit a scented candle and encouraged Natalie to recline the seat and relax, then began, "Lord, Natalie is unhappy and hurt in some way, and we'd like your help. Please guide her thoughts and comfort her as she explores this. Amen"

She then went on in a quiet, calm voice, "Natalie, I want you to close your eyes and let your memory open up. Look at what you see there; remember ... What's your earliest memory?"

Natalie spoke in a dreamy voice; "A rocking horse for my birthday. I'm just three. I'm a big girl now and I'll be going to nursery school. It's exciting! I'm sitting on the horse; I love my horse; I'm rocking, riding, imagining. Daddy is coming into my room. He calls me to him and I get off my horse and run to him; he picks me up and I fling my arms around his neck and we hug. He calls me 'Princess' and takes me downstairs to my mother — she's in the living room with Granny. Granny has a present for me. I say thank you and unwrap it —it's a pink princess outfit. I love it! I thank her again and run out of the room to go to try it on ... oh... !"

She began to weep, tears streaming down her face, but it was a little girl that was weeping, bitterly, not a grown woman. Stephanie crossed the room, knelt beside the chair and took her hand.

"Natalie," she whispered, "tell me, why are you crying?"

She sobbed, "Granny thinks I'm ugly!"

It took a long time for the tears to subside; Natalie, having retrieved the memory, was able to recount what had happened. As she left the room she overheard her Grandmother saying to her mother;

"What a pity she takes after Peter's side of the family, rather than you! Such an ugly little child; I cannot think what we'll be able to do with her as she grows up. I can't think anyone would want to marry her."

She couldn't find her father, she looked in his office and her parents' room; and after a while she went to her own room, climbed on the rocking horse, and rocked, and rocked, and rocked while tears streamed down her face. Eventually her mother came to fetch her for her tea. She hadn't tried on the outfit; she flatly refused to. Her mother cuddled her and tried to get her to talk about what was upsetting her, but without success. She never spoke or thought about what had happened until that moment in Stephanie's study.

There is a theory about mental process; the term is "mental defence mechanisms", which have two divisions, basically healthy and unhealthy. Painful memories can be "suppressed"; in other words they gradually become accepted into history, not forgotten, but bearable, or they can be "repressed", in other words, usually because of a really traumatic, unbearable experience, the mind protects itself from the pain by burying the memory deep, locking it away, so the conscious mind cannot access it. The problem with this being that the memory is still there and exists, almost like a psychological cancer. (There are other MDMs but this isn't a psychiatric treatise).