Chapter 4 : The Observer - October

THE RETURNEE

It's two months later.

Jenny feels really strange driving herself to the Inward Bound centre in Suffolk, to meet the whole "Faculty" again. She's beginning the next part of her research project. It's worse for her than the last time when she came just to see Corinne — then, she kept telling herself it was just another research agenda discussion, even if it was going to turn out to be a bit more than that! This time, she feels as though she's going back into a Lion's den.

She plans to sit in on the first few days of the programme, then she'll come back again for a day or two each week. Finally she plans to undertake follow-up interviews with the participants, after they complete their course. Charlotte has spoken to the all participants and asked if they would be prepared to sign consent forms for the study. Jenny is pleased. She guesses that there's a bit of the exhibitionist in most subs, because they all agreed.

Jenny stops at the gate, announces herself and the gate swings open. The mini-bus that brought her here on her first visit is parked outside the front of the house. There's a group of girls standing around looking nervous — the newest intake. Jenny's research subjects.

She stops her car and gets out. Charlotte breaks off a conversation with the others and comes straight across to greet her. Jenny feels glad that Charlotte is pleased to see her but Jenny also knows that this is an opportunity for Charlotte to remind the newcomers of their place in the pecking order.

Charlotte and Jenny embrace like old friends, which of course, they are. The two of them walk into the house together, Charlotte's hand on Jenny's shoulder while the others are herded forward by Gerry. Jenny imagines them, going through the same admissions process that she did. It seems odd not to be joining them!

"You look terrific," Charlotte says with approval. "Really well. I'm glad you are still shaving your head. It really suits you. Your initial disobedience has paid some rather nice dividends! Do you keep your head shaven, or was this a compliment to us?"

Jenny laughs. "Thanks," she says. "I feel great and it's nice to be back. And no, the head shaving isn't a compliment. I keep it that way. It seems right, somehow and even Joe's got used to it! My mum thinks it's strange though..."

"Well, it's good to have you back even if it's only for the week-end. We've got a room for you. I'll show you. I'll get your bag brought up from the car if you like. Charlotte shows Jenny upstairs to a comfortably furnished suite of rooms with a small lounge, a bigger bedroom and an en-suite. She looks out over the grounds and across the lawn where she and her colleagues were harnessed together, to pull the mower like a pony team. Her new room is such a contrast from the cell she had when she was first here with its bars, hard mattress and squatting toilet!

Jenny is pondering her new found luxury when there's a knock at the door. She calls out. "Come on in, it's open."

The door opens. It's a woman; naked, shackled, ball-gagged, carrying Jenny's bag.

Jenny knows that she shouldn't be shocked, but she is. It's a real surprise for her.

The woman puts the bag down on a small stand, bows silently, steals a brief look at Jenny and backs out of the room, closing the door behind her.

The effect on Jenny is profound. She's left speechless and rooted to the spot. The girl's wordless obedience to an order given her (presumably) by Charlotte, her nakedness and the fact that she has obviously decided that Jenny is one of the staff (and thus someone to be submitted to) disturbs her. Jenny wants to call her back, to tell her that she is just like her; that Jenny has done what she is doing but Jenny knows that she must not interfere.

Jenny stands in the middle of the bedroom asking herself how on earth she is going to cope with the study programme if such an incidental encounter drags back the memories of submitting to Celia and Ylena and Jo and Jonathan.

A LA CARTE

Everyone is in the dining room. Charlotte, Jo, Gerry, Celia and Jenny share a table. The food is delightful, accompanied by a couple of bottles of good wine. As Jenny takes a sip she looks across to where the newcomers are sitting down to their first meal. They're working out what the numbers on the place cards mean, realising that no one is going to tell them to take the strip of tape from their lips, looking enviously at the food on the Faculty's table and then tucking-in hungrily to the oat cakes, muesli and fruit which has been provided for them. Jenny knows how they feel; she has been there herself, before.

"You look as if you envy the new arrivals," Josephine says.

"Well, I think I envy them the discoveries they're all going to make, that's for sure. If they are like I was when I came first time, they'll be finding out an awful lot about themselves."

"And you're going to be finding out a lot about them too, if you get through the research agenda." Charlotte adds, running her hand across the folder that I sent her with the plan for the investigation. "We've set things up so that you can connect your lap top to the video feeds for observations. You can do it from your room upstairs. We thought that would be best. We have also made the arrangements for the initial interviews, as you asked. Why not frame them as a form of interrogation, just to keep in line with the "new arrivals" expectations? You said you wanted to collect some data on physiological changes. We thought the best opportunity would be during the initial physical exam sessions so we will include you in the team when that is carried out."

"Thanks, Charlotte but I was always a bit envious of Celia's blue scrubs and white clogs" Jenny replies, not entirely joking!

Charlotte's remarks and Jenny's jokey reply brings Jenny to a sharp moment of self-understanding. She really hasn't prepared herself emotionally in the way she should have. She had almost expected that the data collection would be incidental to her own participation but of course, she now realises, what an idiotic idea that was! How on earth could she have given it space in her brain, to lay there festering, seducing her from the serious purpose of her visits? This time, its business, not pleasure. This time, she has to be detached, objective, in-charge of the situation. The observations and data collection have been cleverly integrated into the programme, thanks to the ingenuity of Charlotte and her colleagues. The process might even might provide some additional amusement for the participants. Jenny does not want to let them down, not the Faculty, nor the participants. It is going to be hard emotional work, to do her job properly.

But from somewhere deeper in her mind, a small voice whispers. It tells her that she will look like one of the staff. And that would make her a domme. And she's not...

THE WATCHER

Jenny makes her excuses and returns to her room. "I'm tired," she tells them (which is a lie) and "I'm feeling a rush of familiarity, a reminder of when I first got here." (which is the truth)

She sits, silent and uneasy for a minute or two. She can't let things get away from her at "first base", she tells herself. She's got a job to do now, otherwise the whole research project falls apart, almost before it has begun.

Jenny turns on her laptop to look at the video feeds, gazing down on the participants, just as others had watched over her, when she had come to IWB as a participant.

Start with the facts, she says to herself. The secret of successful ethnography is a dispassionate assessment of the subjects in their situation.