Chapter 12 : a Glacier Thaws - March

It's 4 Months -142 Days After Jenny's Disappearance

After dinner at George and Cathy's I sleep late. A combination of food and a lot to drink, I expect. That and perhaps too much self revelation.

It's well after 10 I the morning when I drag myself out of bed and look at myself in the mirror. Who is this man who looking back at me? His face is puffy, and his skin is dull and waxy and his hair is too long and straggly. Lower down, there is the unmistakable sign of a growing gut.

I think about what Cathy said, about getting myself ready, for the time when Jenny comes back. Will she come back? And if she does come back, do I want her to see the man I am looking at now? I'd be a terrible disappointment! So, here and now, I decide I have to start getting myself ready. It's almost as if doing this, will bring Jenny back to me.

I remember when Jenny returned from Inward Bound, the first time. One of the things she did was to join a local gym. She took it very seriously, running, general fitness, weights. It made a difference surprisingly quickly. I certainly enjoyed the way it made her look! We took out a "couple's membership" except she went much more often than I did. Now it's time for me to follow where she has led. That will be a start, at least.

FIT FOR ANYTHING

As I walk back out of the showers, after my workout, I notice the guy who was on the treadmill next to me. He had been working with one of the Trainers. Between them, they were trying to figure out the maximum speed he could run, while keeping inside his anaerobic threshold, whatever that is.

As he takes his gym vest off I see he has a large tattoo swirling across his back. It sets me thinking about Jenny's tattoo. It's rather like the one she had — I mean the one she has.

"Hi," I say, "I'm Joseph"

"John," he replies

"Look I'm sorry in case I should mind my own business, but your tattoo is fantastic."

"Thanks", says John. "It took a bit of doing!"

"How's that?"

"Sore!"

"Oh."

"I had the outline drawn in one go, but the infill took a while, three or four appointments in fact. A couple of hours was all I could manage."

"Sounds tough."

"Yes, but it helps if you like the tattooist and I think they look better if you can be brave enough to be bold with the design idea."

"Well, I will remember that," I say and leave him to go for his shower.

In the gym reception later, I have a glass of orange and find myself thinking about John's tattoo and what he said about having it drawn: "It's easier if you like the tattooist"

Then I think of Jenny and Jonathan and finally about Ros Buchanan at Ink Inc. In particular, what she had said, on the day I had accompanied Jenny to Ink Inc, before Jenny disappeared. "You should maybe try some of the things Jenny is into. Maybe get a tattoo for yourself."

At the time I'd dismissed the whole idea but now I'm looking from a different angle. Maybe I should get myself tattooed?

TATOO YOU

Two weeks later I am standing on the pavement outside Ink Inc, wondering if I am brave enough keep my appointment with Ros Buchanan, or phone to say I could not make it after all? It's just the initial consultation, I tell myself. I'm not having anything done today. They were quite clear about that. Yes, replies the other half of my brain, but the further you go down this road, the more difficult it will be to stop. For a second or two I am held with indecision when there is a hand on my shoulder. "Hi. It's Joseph isn't it?"

I turn round to see Ros Buchanan herself, obviously just arriving for work.

"Hi, Ros. Er, yes it's me. I was, I mean I didn't want to be too early"

"Nonsense, come on it and let's do coffee"

She gently leads me in, or maybe she pushes me off down a slippery slope to goodness knows where?

"C'mon thru to the office and we can talk while I fix coffee"

I follow Ros through the reception and waiting area to their office. There are easy chairs in one part of the room and a desk cum work top along the opposite wall.

There is an I-Mac computer, scanner, printer, discs, lots of books on tattoos and designs and photographs of — well clients I suppose they must be. I scan them quickly to see if there is anyone I recognise. Well, why should there be? But then I see her. She stands with her back to me but her head is turned, looking over her shoulder at me. The face is alight with a smile and one eye is just closed a fraction, winking as if she has been laying in wait for me.

Ros reappears from the adjoining kitchen: here eyes follow mine to the image on the wall.

"Oh, gee I'm so sorry. I forgot. We should have had that photograph down before you came."

"No, please don't apologise. I am glad to see her. I am glad when people talk about Jenny because it means that I can talk about her as well. It makes the burden easier to carry ... So you knew?"

"Yeah, we knew. Jonathan heard from Corrine at..."

"Inward Bound"

"Right, Inward Bound, and then almost right after the police showed up. So we found out. Joe, I'm real sorry. Jenny was such a great girl."