Chapter 8

Aggie was pleased to see me but even more pleased to be let out into the garden to relieve herself. Once that was accomplished, then I got my usual loving welcome. Considering I had things to, well, consider, I grabbed her lead, but not my camera for a change, and we headed off for what turned out to be quite a long walk.

I had to acknowledge that I had thoroughly enjoyed the day and also to accept that that was a lot down to Donna. Sure, I had loved Lisa Marie’s attention and excitement but holding hands with Donna was probably the last thing I had envisaged at the start of the day, yet it was all the better for that. As I thought about it, I couldn’t remember the last time I had held a woman’s hand for so long. I was sure that it had to have been with my ex, and early on in the marriage at that.

I felt a closeness to Donna that I had never experienced before and it couldn’t all be down to her daughter. I also came to realise that I had felt that connection almost from the start and I was certain that that was why I had taken the time and effort it took to get to know her, although I knew there was still a long way to go. Isn’t hindsight wonderful!

All this was relatively easy to work out. What wasn’t, was where I went from there. One huge problem with that was that I didn’t honestly know where I wanted to go. An enormous certainty was that I could not hurt her. I still didn’t see her as a sexual being, it would have been easier if I did. By the time I got back I had only come up with one conclusion. My choice was to stop anything developing right now, or to be prepared to do the one thing I’d vowed never to do again; commit.

My head told me to walk away now as that would hurt Donna the least, assuming that I had read her right. It might be that she just wanted a friend but I had a feeling that, longer term, she wanted more than that. Lisa Marie was another big factor. If I became a bigger part in her life and then it suddenly ended, how much hurt would that cause the little girl. Everything I considered told me to take it no further, so why on earth was I hesitating?

On the way back, I decided to call into the Bar for a couple of pints. After my ‘discussion’ with Ginny, I had considered not going again but then reconsidered, thinking that as long as it didn’t become uncomfortable then I would continue to go. I just about got my first pint when Tim approached me, with Sheila and Lizzie in tow.

‘What do you reckon then David?’ Tim asked.

‘About what?’ I replied perplexed.

‘Seth and the pub, of course.’ Tim said as if I was stupid.

‘Where have you been all day, Mars?’ Sheila asked in the same tone.

‘The Great Dorset Steam Fair, to be exact.’

‘What about it?’ Tim asked, it being his turn to look puzzled.

‘Where I’ve been all day. Set out first thing and just got back, well from that and Aggie’s walk.’

Enlightenment showed on all three of my friends. ‘That might explain things.’ Tim said before being interrupted by his wife.

‘The police have raided the pub and arrested Seth,’ Sheila said excitedly.

‘What for?’ I asked, although I had a fair idea.

‘We’re not certain, but there were a lot of other people around, rumour has it that they were the tax people and Seth has not been paying his VAT properly.’

‘Wouldn’t put it past him either,’ added Lizzie.

‘A couple people think he’s been smuggling.’

‘I thought that favourite Dorset pastime died out a century ago.’

‘No silly, bringing beer in from France and selling it here. Customs take a dim view of that.’ Lizzie told me authoritatively.

I knew now for certain why he had been arrested. My phone call had been acted on and quite swiftly too. I did manage not to smile but needed to put my glass to my mouth to accomplish that.

As I stayed longer than planned, I ended up having four pints rather than the intended two. Ginny and Jane were polite and friendly so I hoped that we were could now remain friends. The extra couple of pints meant that I had little trouble getting to sleep, even with Donna on my mind.

Sunday morning was different. I was wide awake early and still no closer to a decision. I got up and after a shortish walk with Aggie, set about doing the mundane jobs that all households have, especially at weekends. Around about ten thirty I saw Aggie run to the door followed closely by Lisa Marie’s distinctive knock. Whatever my mind said, I couldn’t easily dismiss the happiness I felt as I opened the door. I scooped the six year old into my arms and looked to where I knew her mother would be.

‘Are you going to come in today?’ I asked smiling at Donna.

She looked at my shyly and answered quietly, ‘if you don’t mind.’

I felt a nervous joy at her answer. I also felt genuinely nervous about my response. I could not deny that I wanted to spend more time with this woman, but was I being fair by doing so. My mood was further improved when she stepped around the hedge by my gate where she’d been standing. She was wearing a skirt and I had to say it looked good on her. It looked like she had a white blouse on below the cardigan she was clutching tightly to her. It looked as if I wasn’t the only nervous one.

I carried Lisa Marie out to the back garden, closely followed by a ball firmly encased in a dog’s mouth. The people who talk about the Chaos Theory mention a butterfly in some far off land flapping its wings and changing the world. If that was truly the case, I had no idea how much it would be altered by Aggie’s powerfully wagged tail. Seconds later the two playmates were at work, either throwing or fetching the ball. I returned to the kitchen where Donna was watching her daughter with amusement.

She declined a cup of tea or coffee before sitting demurely at the kitchen table.

‘I just wanted to thank you again for yesterday. Lisa Marie loved it and hasn’t stopped talking about it since she woke up this morning.’

‘She not the only one. I thoroughly enjoyed it too. What about you Donna, did you enjoy it?’

She looked down at her hands and spoke so quietly that I had to ask her to repeat herself.

‘Yes.’ She spoke only fractionally louder.

I reached across and took hold of her hands. ‘Look at me Donna.’ I said and waited until she did just that. ‘I will never hurt you, you don’t have to be afraid of me, or be subservient either. I am self confident enough that I don’t need to put people down so I can feel superior. When we are together I want it to be as equals.’

‘I’m sorry... ‘ Donna started meekly.

‘No Donna, you have nothing to be sorry for. You have been through a hell that I can’t even imagine but you are through it. I know what happened to your husband, at least the bits that are common knowledge and if you want you can tell me more. I’ll keep repeating it until you believe me, I admire you for what you did and I admire you even more for managing, even under such circumstances, to bring Lisa Marie up as a well balanced and delightful little girl.’

‘I don’t know what to say,’ Donna stated with a hint of moisture in her eyes.

‘Do you want a hug?’ I asked with a smile.

She nodded and as we both stood up she came again into my arms. Nothing was said for those few minutes but it made me realise that I couldn’t just walk away from her. She was so different than any other woman I’d ever been involved with. I’d always gone for strong women, those that can stand up to me and accept that I will eventually move on. Donna had a vulnerability that tugged at me.

When we broke apart and sat back down, I told her about me and my attitude to women, at least since my marriage.

She nodded looking down once more. ‘Why are you telling me this?’

‘Donna, do you think there is some chemistry between us?’

Without looking up and after further hesitation, she nodded. I told her a nod wasn’t enough.

‘Yes, at least I hoped so.’ She eventually admitted.

‘Well so do I, and for the first time in my life the attraction I’m feeling is not just a sexual one. I love being with you, being near you just as we are now. With my wife I tried, I really tried to feel that and to be honest, at times I thought that I’d succeeded. I’ve never come close to feeling it since, maybe with the exception of Heather, the second woman to screw me up.’

‘I thought just you said that you’d had plenty of girlfriends,’ she stated nervously.

‘Donna, there is no need for you to worry about saying anything to me, whether I like it or not. To answer your question though, yes I have had many girlfriends but they have been sexual partners first and friend second, if at all. I honestly don’t know what will happen between us but I genuinely want to try and find out, assuming you do too. I also don’t want any secrets so that is why I’ve told you my past.’

‘I want to try too, but I’m scared.’ Donna said sounding very anxious if not actually scared.

‘What about?’ I asked gently, squeezing her hands gently.

‘The main one is your other women, I’m not sure that I can compete with them. You say you go after sexual women, well I’ve already said that that’s not me, I will try if you insist but I’m no good in bed. I’m scared that you will be disappointed in me.’

‘Shit!’ I thought, her husband did a real good job of killing off her self esteem. She thought that I was proposing adding her to some group of girlfriends.

‘Donna, let me make myself crystal clear,’ I told her as I lifted her chin up so she was actually looking at me. ‘There is no other woman in my life, as long as you exclude Aggie and my daughter,’ I said with a grin and brought the intended smile from Donna. ‘I said I would be honest with you. Until very recently I was involved with both Ginny and Jane at the Manor, and before you say anything they knew about each other, in fact it was Ginny’s idea that I get involved with her stepmother. I finished it about a week ago. As for sex, I will never insist on it. If we do get closer then I will almost certainly want to, I already desire you but I will not push you into something you don’t want or aren’t ready for.’

I stood up slightly and leaned over the table to give her a short, soft kiss. ‘Now I want you to make me a promise. Do not ‘let’ me make love to you purely for my sake, if and when it happens it must be because that is what YOU want. Do you promise?’

Another nod which I refused to accept was followed by, ‘I promise.’

‘Okay next thing. You say you are not good at sex. My guess is that it was your husband that told you that, right?’

This time I accepted her simple nod.

‘As I thought. It was just one more way to put you down and make him feel superior. Sex is like most things, you need practice and support to be good at it. When you are ready, and I hope it’s when not if, then we will have to ensure you get all the practice you need.’

It took a few seconds before the last bit sunk in but when it did she blushed furiously.

‘Have I said anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, or still scares you?’

‘I suppose talking about sex makes me uncomfortable but you don’t talk about it like I’m used to.’ She whispered.

‘So Donna, will you become my girlfriend and let’s see where it leads?’

‘Yes!’ She said quietly.

‘You don’t seem too enthusiastic about it,’ I grinned, ‘are you sure you want to go out with this old reprobate?’

This time she giggled and said louder, ‘Yes David, I really do want to see if I can live a normal life for once.’

That statement, and the heartfelt way in which it was said hit home. If I hadn’t realised before what was on offer for Donna, and I suppose Lisa Marie too, I sure did now.

‘Seal it with a kiss?’ I grinned.

Her smile was the happiest I’d yet seen. She didn’t bother to answer just moved around the table to sit on my knee. Although I’d given her a quick peck, this was our first real kiss, and what a kiss it was. I felt virtually no passion there, at least to start with, just a tenderness and a hunger to be loved.

‘Yuck!’ Shouted the little six year old girl that had decided to come in the kitchen at the most inopportune moment.

We parted and I noticed that Donna seemed a little embarrassed, but that changed into laughter when Aggie joined in with a loud woof, that appeared to echo her playmate’s sentiment.

‘Why are you sitting on Mr. Aggie’s knee, Mummy?’

I was about to answer for her when Donna replied, still laughing slightly. ‘Because it is a nice place to be. You enjoy sitting on my knee sometimes, don’t you? When you feel like a little fuss.’