Chapter 7

Wednesday morning, Aug 29th {Bob}

The more I looked at my personal ad, I realized I couldn't cut it down enough to be able to afford it and still have enough in there that she'd recognize herself in it. So, I got creative instead, and wrote a letter to the editor. I had already used up A through E in the alphabet. This had to work, because plan F was going to use up all the rest of the alphabet, metaphorically speaking.

Dear Editor,
The other day, I was at the Piggly Wiggly, just to pick up a few things, when I found a shopping list that somebody had dropped. It had the usual kinds of things on it, like Pizza, Chicken Fried Steak, sweet wine, olive oil, fresh oysters, whipped cream, strawberries, chocolate sauce, peanut butter, black olives, and a few other things. But there was some very personal information on it that I'm quite sure the owner would like to have back. If you can publish this letter, it might help the owner of that shopping list recover this very valuable information that she lost on Thursday, the ninth of August this year. If she reads this letter, I can assure her that I'm very sensitive to her privacy, and only wish her to contact me so that I can give her this important information back. The owner of the list can contact me at 555-2324. Thank you for your assistance in this matter.

Bob Randall
Concerned Citizen

I looked it over. It sounded caring. Surely they'd print it as a public service. They were always going on about how they did this and that as a public service.

I couldn't find an envelope, so I checked the newspaper's web site on the computer. I could submit it on line! I did that. A little box popped up that said it could take anywhere from four to seven days for the letter to be published.

Now all I had to do was answer the phone when she called.

I got all excited just thinking about it, so I got the list and looked it over again. Just doing that, and thinking about her writing those words, gave me a boner.

I went to my bedroom and lay down, to take care of things. I was pretty good at imagining what it would be like when I finally got my dick in a real woman. She'd be soft and warm, not like my hand. Right now I had to use my hand, like always, but I could dream. I was experienced at that. I knew, beyond any question, that I was the only twenty-eight year old male virgin in town ... maybe in the whole world ... not counting priests, of course. Then again, based on the news, lately, priests had been getting a lot more sex than I was. I wondered if nuns did the same thing and then felt bad. I didn't know any nuns, personally, but the ones in those movies that Whoopie Goldberg had done seemed like nice, innocent, reverent women.

Bandit jumped up on the bed. Between him and thinking about nuns, my boner had gone anyway, so I got up and cleaned the house. If she called and came over to get the list, I wanted to leave a good first impression.

Friday, Aug 31st [Chris]

Paula and I finished work on Wednesday, which pleased Grandma to bits because there was another sale at the Piggly Wiggly on Thursday and we simply couldn't miss it. So, I spent Thursday morning at the circus, watching adults fighting over the last of the Irish Spring soap; arguing on whether or not they needed three boxes of corn flakes - they were on sale three boxes for four dollars - and other fun stuff.

Grandma got into a couple of scuffles with some older gentlemen over laxatives and bug spray, but we managed to come home unscathed and with enough stuff to last us for three months, though Grandma assured me we could never have too much toothpaste - never mind that I have enough toothpaste to last me until I'm her age.

At least I don't ever have to go shopping when the neighborhood kids participate in can drives for their school, and the churches in my area receive regular donations to their food banks. Also, if any of my neighbors run out of anything they need, they call to see if I have it before making a trip to the market for just one or two items.

Friday morning my phone rang at the crack of dawn and when I mumbled a greeting Lacey said, "Harmonia saw a vision in her mirror and we've got to find the spot where it took place or you'll miss the chance to meet your husband."

"But --"

"I'm picking you up in an hour."

"LACEY!"

She'd already hung-up.

Groaning I put down the phone and started singing, "Countin' flowers on the wall. Playin' Solitaire 'til dawn with a deck of fifty-one."

Lady woofed and turned around in circles chasing her tail.

Laughing, I got down on the floor with her and we played chase until the phone interrupted. Grabbing it, I said, "Hey, Lou-Anne," and made my way back to the bedroom where I opened up the closet. "Have a nice time with James this morning?"

They'd spent every morning and/or evening together since Monday. She'd called me a couple of times to bring me up to date.

"Always," she said in a dreamy tone. "I love him in his uniform." She sighed. "He's so sexy."

I held up a bright blue blouse and said, "Ain't he though?"

We giggled and Lady put her paw over her eyes. I don't know how, but she could always tell when I was talking about sex, or my mother. I put the shirt back and dug through my clothes and pulled out a red button-down shirt.

"Anyway, our waitress at Denny's was a gorgeous brunette with an eye color I'm sure came from contacts. There's no way her eyes are fluorescent purple."

"Fluorescent purple?" I said. Lady wagged her tail and I tossed the blouse on the bed and reached for a pair of jeans. "You've got to be kidding."

"Nope. Looked like some of that stuff kids spray on their hair."

I sat down on the bed and rubbed Lady's ears. "I've been thinking about trying out some of that stuff just to see what happens."

She giggled and said, "With your luck, you'll get arrested."

"True. True. So what happened?"

"Well, she was giving us enough service for three tables and I was beginning to get sick of the sight of her. And, of course, James was totally oblivious to her."

"Of course."

"And I was left to deal with her. When she filled his coffee cup, I said 'thank you' and when she asked if he needed anything else, pointedly ignoring me, I said 'no thanks' and etcetera and so on. He was driving her crazy. She was driving me crazy. Add to all this craziness her messing up my order three times, and you have one fantastic morning experience."

We laughed and I said, "I think I'm rubbing off on you."

"Should I see Father Sean about an exorcism?"

Giggling I said, "I'm so glad you two hit it off."

"He's going with me and the kids to Mom and Dad's this weekend."

I whooped and said, "We can have the wedding on the soft-ball field. Cops on one side. Softball teams on the other. Family somewhere in between."

"My mother would die!"

"Mine would love it -- Lacey and Paula would croak. Speaking of whom, I've gotta run. Lacey phoned right before you and is on her way over to take me out for the day."

"I'll call you Sunday night. Later girl."

"Have fun. Later."

The phone rang the second I hung up.

"Hey --"

"Wear your purple balloon blouse."

"But --"

Lacey was gone.

Sighing and muttering about crazy psychics and even crazier sisters, I went to the closet and went through my rack of shirts to get out the blouse I was told to wear. A Grandma special -- she made it with her own two hands -- it was a button down cotton shirt with bright colored balloons on a purple background.

Lady whined.

"Lacey says I have to wear this one."

"Woof!"

"She didn't say, but by deductive reasoning, I figure it's what I was wearing in Harmonia's dream. But knowing Lacey and Harmonia, that's probably too sensible."

Monday morning, Sept 3rd {Bob}

When I got to work, I picked up the paper some unknown benefactor had ordered for me and took it to my office to check the letters to the editor.

My letter wasn't there. Instead, there was a letter from a woman complaining about a pot hole on Elm Street. She was all bent out of shape because she had hit the pot hole and spilled her milk shake all over herself. I expected the editor to write back that she wasn't supposed to be drinking a milk shake while she was driving in the first place, but instead he went on and on about how the city maintenance department was under-funded and critical infrastructure problems like this one weren't going to be able to be addressed. Can you believe it? Pot holes were suddenly critical! How stupid is that? I have two of them on my street, and I just drive around them!

When I sat down at my desk I called the paper.

"What happened to my letter to the editor?" I asked.

I got handed off to three people before a woman said she could help me.

"I have your letter here," she said. "We don't publish those kinds of letters, Sir."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Your letter concerns a lost and found issue. We have a section in the classified ads for lost and found. I can connect you with classified ads, if you like."

"But that means I'd have to pay for it," I complained. "I'm trying to help this woman out, and you expect me to pay for it?"