Chapter 14

Wednesday, afternoon 12th Sept {Bob}

At three-thirty Jasper stormed into my office looking both mad and frantic.

"Crandall!" he barked. "The drawings for the Altec Tofu project are completely screwed up!"

"I didn't do those drawings," I pointed out. "That was Richardson's project, as I recall."

"Richardson's gone. His wife is having a fucking baby!"

I wanted desperately to point out to Jasper that my name was Randall, and not Crandall, as well as telling him I doubted Richardson's baby was doing anything even remotely close to fucking. Well it was in rather intimate contact with a woman's vagina, now that I thought about it. My musing was interrupted by Jasper throwing a roll of drawings on my desk. He knocked over my coffee cup which, thankfully, was empty.

"Get these fixed!" he commanded. "They have to be done by first thing in the morning."

"So you're going to fire Richardson?" I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

"No, I'm going to fire you if those drawings are not corrected by tomorrow morning." Being a man of few words, he turned and left. While I was looking at the drawings to figure out what was wrong with them, I saw him put on his coat and leave. He wasn't putting in any overtime.

I saw the problem and groaned. It would take all night to fix. I flopped back in my chair as I remembered that in a few short hours I was hoping to try acting like a man if Chris kissed me, instead of mimicking a strand of spaghetti. Fuck! Well, that was out of the question. I thought about Richardson's baby again. Do you know how wacko it feels to be jealous of a baby just because it's being born and is closer to a woman's pussy than you'll ever be?

I picked up the phone and called Chris. Her voice, as she answered the phone, almost made me cry.

"Hey," I said sadly.

"Bob!" she said brightly. "Hi!"

"I have to work late," I moaned.

"That's okay," she said. "I can come later. What time?"

"Eight or nine tomorrow morning," I said, tragedy in my voice.

"What? You have to work all night?"

"Yes. This other guy did a whole drawing in the wrong scale and his wife is having a baby and I have to fix it."

"Oh Bob," she sighed. "You poor thing."

I thought about her kissing me and making it all better, which only made me feel even more depressed.

"I was really looking forward to seeing you again," I said.

"I kind of got that message last night," she said. I could hear a withheld chuckle in her voice.

"This isn't funny," I complained.

"I know that," she said, seriously. "You made me feel good by reacting the way you did last night."

"I did?"

"Oh, yeah. And when I feel good I get a little careless. Sometimes I let a man take liberties with me."

"You're killing me here," I groaned.

She laughed. "You really know how to make a girl feel sought after."

She bleated like a sheep and, so help me, I started getting another boner.

"Maybe breakfast?" I suggested hopefully.

"As much as I'd like to, I'm tied up all day," she said. "I have to have some work to the editor, and tomorrow night I have to attend the charity auction." There was a pause and she asked, "Did I tell you about the charity auction?"

"Charity auction?" I asked. "No, but I'd be happy to play your boyfriend if you need me to."

She giggled. "That would be singularly odd," she said. "It's an annual event where a field of women get together and bid on a selection of men. The women get a date, and the proceeds go to charity."

"You're going to fight over a man with other women?" I asked, my voice cracking again.

She laughed. "It's not mud wrestling, Bob. We just make bids, and whoever wins gets the option of going on a date. There are even some married women who participate. It's all very chaste, Bob."

"I'll just bet it is," I groaned. I knew how I'd act if two women bid each other up over me for a date.

"So you can see why having a boyfriend along might look a little odd," she said, ignoring my sarcasm.

"I suppose so," I said. "All right. How about Friday night?"

"I imagine that's when the date will be with whoever I bid on," she said. "It would be rude to buy a man and then not go out with him ... don't you think?"

"Bandit's never going to get trained at this rate," I complained.

She laughed again, and it just made me want to jump up and crow like a rooster. "He'll get trained, Bob. I promise you that."

"I hope so," I said without thinking.

She laughed again. "I bet you do." And she bleated again! "What are you doing Saturday night?"

"Training Bandit," I said firmly, more firmly in fact than I felt at that moment.

"You'll wait for me ... won't you?" she asked, her voice sounding strange somehow.

"Um ... yes," I said, feeling a little weak, now that I knew she was really coming.

"Okay, then. I'll be there."

"Oh good!" I said, sounding entirely too needy.

She giggled. "Get your work done and don't make any mistakes that will cause you to have to work Saturday."

"Yes, Ma'am," I said.

"Bye, Bob," she said.

And she bleated one last time before the line went dead.

I hung up the phone and ripped Richardson's drawing in half, just for the fun of it. Then I got to work.

Thursday, September 13 evening [Chris]

In spite of my resolve about Bob not being my toad, when he called me on Wednesday to break our date, I found myself flirting with him and saying things I hadn't planned on saying. Apparently, I was being taken-over by Lady, who was sitting at my feet while Bob and I talked. I swear I heard her say everything I said before I said it. When I said as much to her, she denied the charges, of course, and told me to get with the program and accept Bob; everyone else had and I was being ridiculous in pursuing any other toad. He was mine and that was that and I obviously knew he was since I behaved in such a manner with him.

"I'll let you talk to with him next time he calls," I informed her. "We'll see if you can respond any differently with him."

She rolled over on her back and looked as though she was laughing herself silly at me.

When Thursday evening rolled around, in spite of the odds being against me, I was determined no pretend boyfriend was going to detour me from the path of my toad, which I knew would be one of the guys on bid at the auction.

The bidding, as always, was a bit wild, but it was all in fun, and for a good cause. And most of us there could have bid way more than we called out. But, to be fair to everyone, we kept the bids within reason and still raised a good amount for charity.

When a veterinarian came up I knew kismet had struck. I was so excited I bid ten dollars over the opening bid. His name was John and he was six feet two inches tall, with shoulders so broad I wondered how he fit inside the tux he was wearing. His shoulder length blond hair was pulled back in a pony tail and his smile would melt butter. The auctioneer said he was new in town, and that we should welcome him appropriately. Several other ladies must have felt as I did because they jumped on the bid wagon and the price reached over a hundred dollars within seconds.

Eventually it was one other lady and myself in a bidding war. Any other time I would have been charitable and let her have him, but I was toad hunting and John looked to be everything I wanted and more. I wasn't about to let him out of my grasp. I figured she would drop out around three hundred or so, but when the bid reached two-fifty some other lady from out of left field jumped in and bid each time one of us put in a bid.

The lady I originally was bidding against dropped out and a minute later there was a commotion at the back of the room and some guy yelled out something about not being gay. Recognizing the voice, I turned and saw Bob being escorted from the room. At the same time, the auctioneer called out "Sold for six-hundred dollars even!" and the vet was all mine.

Thursday, September 13 evening {Bob}

Thursday morning Jasper's relief at finding the drawings were not only finished, but perfect as well, resulted in a completely uncharacteristic response from him.

"Take the rest of the day off," he said in a magnanimous tone.

I didn't say anything to screw it up. I just got up and left.

I slept right through lunch and didn't wake up until about four-thirty. While I got something to eat I thought about what Chris was probably doing about now. I figured she was getting all fixed up to go to this auction thing, where there would probably be cat fights over handsome hunks. I didn't actually know any men who had volunteered to be in something like this, but it didn't take a lot of imagination to figure out what they'd be like. Handsome, eligible bachelor struts his stuff for horny, lonely women with more money than sense. Then the next night he wines her and dines her, and the next thing she knows she's waking up well fucked with the tiger whose tail she grabbed still in bed with her.

The thought of it had me growling like I think I was actually supposed to growl at Bandit when Chris told me to. I realized I was probably wearing down my teeth, and took a breath. What if the guy didn't want to wait? What if he walked off the stage, struck a pose, and said, "You bought me, Beautiful, and I intend to give you your money's worth, starting right now!"

Chris is a sweet girl. Sure, she's been around the dog-eat-dog world of dogs trying to eat other dogs, but I was pretty sure she wouldn't stand a chance against an experienced guy. I mean she had sort of hinted around that just kissing me got her excited. I was pretty sure she was just being polite and all, but the fact was that I felt like somebody needed to be concerned about her ... just for her own well being, I mean. I didn't have any claim on her, of course, but that didn't mean I had to leave her to fate's fickle fiddling around, or the machinations of some semi-professional masher.

Which is why I decided to go to the auction, on the sly, and just keep an eye on her.

Of course I had no idea where this thing was being held, but I figured they wouldn't be trying to keep it a secret or anything. While I ate my soup I flipped on the TV and lo and behold, it was on the news. When I saw some of the guys who were going to be put on the block, I put my soup down, got dressed, or at least mostly dressed, and left the house at a run.

I guess the only really positive outcome for that night was that I didn't get a speeding ticket on my way to the hotel. The auction was being held in the ball room, which title did not make me feel any better by the way, and all I had to do was hang around behind this big potted plant to see where all the well-dressed women were heading. The funny thing was that some of them did have men on their arms as they went into the auction. I wondered if Chris hadn't wanted me with her for fear that I couldn't stand up to the examination of the well-to-do crowd. I didn't see Chris, and figured she'd gotten there early. After seeing the quality of the merchandise, I could understand that. I've spent many a happy hour staring through the window of the chocolate shop before spending my money.

Applause alerted me to the fact that things were going on in the ballroom, so I left the protection of the plant and sauntered across the lobby as if I knew where I was going. There were two women standing at the door, apparently to take tickets or something, but they were engrossed in looking at a list of some kind. I slipped past them and moved sideways.

I found myself against one wall, where some other men had gathered. Some of them were chatting in low voices, like they knew each other, maybe. There was an air of alertness about them, which I could understand. They'd been brought here by women who had shooed them away and were going to buy another man. Of course they'd be alert. The competition was about to step out on the stage. Just in case Chris looked around or something, I moved to sit in the last row of chairs, a couple of seats down from the nearest woman. Most of the other women had seated themselves closer to the stage.

Then the first guy was auctioned off. He was thirty-three, a bachelor, with a master's degree. He was also an architect which, in and of itself, would have made me hate him.

It was ugly. It wasn't even dignified. It was like a feeding frenzy as women began waving their cards in the air, calling out bids. Some of them were just catcalling, telling the guy to show them his pecks and things like that. Who know women could act like that?

I have to admit that it calmed down a little once that first guy was gone. I guess the girls got it out of their system while he was being sold off, because the catcalling stopped, and they got down to the serious business of outbidding their friends and neighbors for the next hunk to grace the stage.

I saw Chris when she stood up and bid on a thirty-something veterinarian who had just moved to town to set up a new practice. That's all I remembered about him. I sort of stopped listening to the backgrounds on the guys because it was so depressing. Anyway, she stood up and went ten dollars over the opening asking price, and then sat back down. The woman sitting a couple of chairs away from me got up, moved in front of me asking me to excuse her, and hurried off toward the ladies room.

The bidding was going strong, though it was only being raised five dollars at a time. The ladies might be all for supporting a good cause, but they were going to do it as conservatively as possible. I suppose they thought bidding too much at once would make them look easy to the guy or something. Despite that, the auctioneer could hardly keep up with the number of bids on this guy. He was talking so fast I wasn't sure what the current bid actually was. All I knew was I kept seeing Chris' hand shoot up in the air like she was pumping iron.

Anyway, women started dropping out when it went over a hundred dollars. Chris and three other women were still in it, and it looked like she was interested in this guy. Of course I could see why. Handsome ... in good shape ... with a smile to die for ... and a veterinarian to boot. He was everything her family would love too. I sighed. If she went on a date with this guy my goose was cooked. I felt this pain in the pit of my stomach and actually had to lean forward to try to ease it.

And then, in a blinding burst of epiphany, I realized I had fallen in love with Chris Bryant. I mean I had really fallen in love with her. She was everything I could want in a woman. I didn't even think about the fact that she was obviously not the kind of woman who would have written my grocery list. It didn't matter. She was sweet, and caring, and smart and funny. And when she kissed me I wanted to fall in on myself like a dwarf giant star and then nova outwards in a burst of light that would be seen for millions of years.

She made me feel alive in ways I had never felt before.

And there she was, bidding on Henry, or Justin, or whatever the fuck his name was, and if she went on a date with him she'd never look at me again. I'd never have a chance to tell her how I felt.

I actually moaned out loud. A woman in front of me turned around and looked at me curiously. I turned my head so she wouldn't see my eyes.

Then I saw that the lady who had gone to the john had left her bidding ticket on her chair.

If Chris didn't go out with Henry, or Justin or whatever the fuck his name was, I might get the opportunity to explain to Chris just what she'd done to me. I doubted she'd jump at the likes of me, of course, but at least I would have given it a shot.

I leaned over and picked up the bidding ticket. It was down to Chris and one other woman now, and the bid had just gone to a hundred and fifty. The auctioneer was pushing hard for a ten dollar raise, and his prattle was electrifying.

I pushed my stolen bidding card up in the air and the auctioneer gleefully pointed at me and raised the price another ten. The woman bidding against Chris looked briefly over her shoulder and waved her card at the stage. This time she shouted "Fifty!"

It was getting expensive, but I didn't care. I was planning on disappearing, which meant the other lady, having the next highest bid, would get him. So, for the next minute, every time one of them bid, I did too. I heard the auctioneer shout, "Six hundred, do I hear six-fifty?" I wasn't actually sure who had made that bid, but I was sure Chris would drop out pretty soon, and then the other woman could have Henry, or Justin or whoever the fuck he was, so I got ready to shove my card in the air again.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned instinctively, to find one of the women I had sneaked past at the entrance staring at me. She had two men with her ... big men.

"This is not a gay auction," she said, obviously uncomfortable facing down what she thought was a genuine member of that community. "You're going to have to leave..." Her face struggled, and her mouth writhed, before she finally settled on "sir" to finish her thought with.

"I'm not gay!" I gasped. A little too loudly, I might add.

People were turning around and looking back towards us. The auctioneer had paused, but then began his chatter again, trying to keep the bidding going.

"You're going to have to leave, Sir," she said again. Her head moved back and forth in some silent communication with the men who were with her -- the bouncers, as it turned out. Who'd have thought a genteel outfit like this would employ bouncers?

Maybe the bouncers were gay themselves. All I know is they had no reservations about touching me. I'm sure I looked like I was floating from the room, seeing as how my feet were a good three inches off the ground.

"Give me that card!" the woman said, speaking more forcefully now that I was firmly in the grip of two men and could no longer threaten to touch her and give her cooties. "Where did you get it? How did you get in here?" She was getting upset now, probably because there would be a scandal when the city found out that gay men were bidding on eligible bachelors.

"I'm not gay!" I insisted. "I was just trying to keep my girlfriend from getting him!"

The bouncers laughed and one of them plucked the card from my hand. When he handed it to the woman she took it reluctantly between thumb and forefinger, like it was diseased or something.

"I'm not gay!" I yelled one last time. But it didn't do any good. I was on my butt on the sidewalk, and the only people who could hear me were pedestrians giving me a very wide berth as they walked by me.

By the time I got home, some vestige of reality was beginning to creep back into my head. I realized I'd done a very stupid thing, my feelings for Chris notwithstanding. I didn't think Chris was the jealous sort, which meant she probably didn't appreciate men who were jealous. Especially since I was neither "her man" in actuality, nor likely ever to occupy that lofty position.

The more time went by, the worse I felt. I couldn't sleep, and I knew that all the next day would be just as bad. So I decided to just call her and confess and get it over with. At least then I could try to move on with my pathetic life. I still had the grocery list which, after all, had probably been written by a woman nearer my social level. I doubted there was any chance in the world that I could find her, but at least it would be something to concentrate on, instead of how I met my dream woman, fell in love with her, and then acted like a complete asshole before she dumped me.

It was the fourth time I tried before she picked up the phone.

Thursday, September 13 evening [Chris]

I was late getting home, but wound up by the auction, I made hot-chocolate and grabbed a couple of chocolate chip cookies, and settled down in bed to tell Lady about the evening. I was telling her about Bob being there and his running up the bid on John when the phone rang.

"Who on earth can that be?" I asked Lady as I got up and went to the kitchen. Normally I would have ignored the thing, but because of the hour, was afraid there was an emergency.

"Don't do it," Lacey said the minute I spoke into the receiver.

"Don't do what?" I said heading back to my bed.

"Go to the auction tomorrow night. Harmonia says it'll be a disaster."

I giggled and said, "Harmonia's timing is off. The auction was tonight. And I won the bid on a dishy vet, John Clay. We're going out to dinner tomorrow night."

"Oh crap! I thought you said the auction was tomorrow night."

"Lacey, what are you up to?"

"Nothing. Just trying to keep you from losing the best man you've ever had in your life."

"Bob?"

She snorted. "Who else? So can you call off the date with John?"

"Sure, but there's no reason to. Bob knows about it and he's okay with it."

I wasn't so sure about that because of what I'd seen at the auction. I knew I'd find out the next time I talked to him, but some things are between me and Bob, not to be discussed with family, and I wasn't about to go into what had happened with anyone but Bob and Lady.

"Men say things they don't mean just to be nice," she said.

"For gosh sakes, Lacey. It's for charity and doesn't mean a hill of beans. Even married men and women participate."

"That may be, but you don't know anything about this John character. You could be in over your head."

"Lacey! He's about as dangerous as a Bassett hound."

"Why do you have to be so stubborn?"

"Because I'm your baby sister."

"Well don't say I didn't warn you when the disaster hits."

She hung up and I looked at Lady. "You think I shouldn't go out with John, too, don't you?"

She woofed and wagged her tail.

"What difference does it make? Bob is not my boyfriend."

The phone rang again and I snatched it up and snapped, "What now?" thinking it was Lacey calling me back.

"Uhm," Bob stammered. "I'm not sure."

I sighed and said, "I'm sorry. I just got off the phone with Lacey. We had a disagreement and I thought she was calling me back."

"Maybe I should call back in the morning."

"No. That's okay. What's up?"

"Oh. I just wanted to check on you."

"Aww. That's sweet. I'm okay. Had a good time at the auction." I decided to act like I hadn't seen him there. "I ended up paying the second highest price of the evening for my date, though. Some ass-hole at the back of the room was throwing in bids for some reason. He was escorted out by some of the security guys, but not before the bid reached six hundred."

He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry. I'll pay you back half."

Making a sound like a lamb I cooed, "Oh, Sweetie, thanks. But it wasn't your fault."

"Actually ... it was," he said. "I'm the ass-hole. That's the other reason I was calling; to apologize for being such a jerk. I was jealous and wanted to run the bid up so you couldn't afford to pay for him."

He sounded like the world was ending and my heart melted and my brain pushed words out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"Oh, Bob, Honey, that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. I could just kiss you all over."

"You could?" he croaked.

"You bet I could," I cooed softly. "Starting at the top of your head, kissing your face all over, and then working my way down to that sexy broad chest of yours and down --"

"Oh!"

"Bob? You okay?"

"No." He gasped. "Yes."

"You poor thing. Am I giving you a hard time?"

He chuckled. "That's one way of putting it."

"Want me to kiss it and make it all better?"

"I --"

He started wheezing.

"Bob?"

He cursed softly and said, "I'm okay."

"You sound like you're dying. I want you to use your inhaler, and go straight to bed. We'll talk more in the morning."

"I'm already in bed," he whined.

"Then use you inhaler and go to sleep. Promise."

"But I -"

"Robert Randall!"

"Okay. Okay. I promise."

"Good night, Lover Man."

It wasn't until after I hung up that I realized my banter with him didn't feel as much like banter as it should. What was this man doing to me? And how did he do it? It almost felt like what I expected my toad to make me feel.

I thought about calling him 'lover man' and butterflies started in my stomach. I had meant it as a tease ... so why did it sound so right?

I decided to think about John. After all I had just spent six hundred dollars on him, and he was everything a toad should be, at least on the outside. True, I didn't know him yet, but that's what the date was for ... right?

I imagined the date going superbly, and realizing I had found my toad at last. I would be helpless, and he would sweep me into his arms, and pepper my neck with kisses until my clothes fell off and it would be orgasmic, literally. I just knew it would be perfect.

I was both startled and astonished when I realized that the face in my fantasy, hovering over mine as I was made love to ... was Bob's, instead of John's

Frustrated I groaned, "Nooooo" and Lady lifted her head and whined.

The problem was that I didn't know if that denial applied to Bob ... or John.