Chapter 21

Sunday wasssss ... Sunday. I slept and did homework and worked in the garage, since I really needed to earn some allowance. I'd been slacking a lot and Daddy paid us by the hour, no kidding, mostly cause of the business paperwork ... He even took out taxes and social security and stuff. But a certified mechanic is worth 40 bucks an hour to a garage, even more in a good garage, and we get paid on that basis. Not the 40 dollars the garage charges, of course, more like 25 dollars, with the rest going to the shop. Still, 25 bucks an hour adds up quick when you're just 14 years old, even after social security and Daddy's special college tax.

So I had my hands dirty, which was always nice, fixing a busted radiator on a '77 K-car. If there is ever a dumber, more ugly automobile ever manufactured anywhere else but in France, then I don't know what it is. Chrysler was a joke anyway, once you got past 1973 or so, everyone knows that. But even my Daddy, who loves cars like God loves babies, can't think of a good thing to say about K-cars except they got nice oil pans. That's like meeting a fella's girlfriend for the first time and all you can think of to say is that she has nice elbows. It doesn't mean anything; so Daddy didn't fool me a bit.

The only other big thing that happened Sunday, before dinner at least, was I got my period. Two days early, near as I could figure, and it sorta ruined a decent pair of Darth Maul boxers, but they were black and red anyway, so maybe not. I tried to track my cycle, sort of, but it wasn't regular at all. Sometimes it came and went just 3 weeks apart, other times I'd go 5 weeks without one and start worrying I'd caught something off the toilet seat in the bathroom! I got 6 brothers, you know? Immaculate conception isn't a good excuse, even if I was gonna be the first pregnant virgin in Squinosha County. Not to mention having to do those paternity blood test things on all my brothers to figure out what to name the kid if it was a boy!

Yep, I was sorta careful and checked the toilet seat before I ever sat down, you know? An ounce of prevention could save maybe 8lbs 13oz's of trouble later. We were all healthy babies, as my daddy liked to point out from time to time.

Anyway, menstruation ain't a big thing for most people. Girls, real girls I mean, pretty much live with it and it's just second nature and barely noticed really, in the greater scheme of things. Boys don't notice it at all, except when they're in trouble, then it's always a good excuse. If you believed boys, girls menstruate 3 weeks out of every 4 and there's about a week of good sunny weather when they can watch some TV in peace.

For me, being a boy on the inside, and a girl on the outside, and inside too, technically, but you know what I mean ... For me menstruation was like an adventure all its own. Not only didn't I know exactly when it was coming, but I didn't get to blame all my problems on it, since I sorta knew better. I mean sure, I did get cranky, maybe a little, and when I got a cramp it sort of gave me a headache too, so it was just best not to talk to me too loud then, or not talking at all was best. But that wasn't all the time either, just once in awhile. Mostly my periods were easy compared to a lot of girls I knew. My flow was light, generally, and lasted just 5 days usually, mostly just 4 and that was a lucky break.

I just didn't like dealing with it; that was one problem. I used pads and my brothers usually freaked a little if they saw a bloody one in the trash or something. I could cut the heck out of my finger, bleed all over a perfectly good t-shirt, wad it up and leave it on the kitchen counter before dinner and nobody would care. But three spots of blood on a pad in a plastic bag in the bathroom trash can, and it was like the world was ending. The other bad thing about pads was that I couldn't use them with my boxer shorts, which I liked a lot more than briefs. There's a bit of tape, see, that's supposed to hold it inside a pair of panties. But I didn't even own a pair of panties. So that was why I had a half dozen boy's briefs, just so I could stick that stupid pad to something.

Also, the really weird thing about getting my period was that it made me horny as sin. Not just normal boy horny either, cause I was mostly boy in my brain and I think that generally made me a lot more eager for sex than I would have been otherwise, but maybe not so much as a 100 percent boy, I don't know. But when I was on? Look out! Ever since I was maybe 13 and started really understanding what felt good and how to make it feel better, when I got my period I wanted to feel better all the time! My nipples were puffed and hard and ached. My clit was always on fire, and my whole body would just flash hot and cold sometimes, for no good reason at all. I heard the same thing happens when girls get menopause and it made me wonder how I'd know, I mean since my body was already acting that way! I guess I just wouldn't have the mess, just the side effects ... That would be okay, I thought. So I sorta looked forward to menopause.

The difference this time, that I'm taking so long to get around to, is that before I didn't really have anything I could do about those weird feelings. I hadn't had sex with anyone before, not even a kiss really. This time, when I got my period I was a lot more experienced. I had my own girlfriend, Jane, who really was my girlfriend. I had five brothers who would probably give me sex anytime I wanted it, and a sixth brother, Scott, who might know where I could get some if nobody else was home! It was bizarre!

I wasn't out of control or anything. I don't want to sound all whacked or something, I'm just saying, I knew I was gonna be extra horny and it made me a little uncomfortable. Not just cause I was probably too horny anyway, but because I was pretty sure nobody was gonna want to have sex with me if I was having my period.

But that was guy thinking.

I was on the phone with Jane, who had called me right after dinner. Mark and David were cleaning up though, so it was cool to talk, but I still kept it quiet, wishing for a little privacy.

"What are you doing?" Jane was asking me, her voice was soft too, but only because she wanted it to be. I knew she was in her bedroom, lying on her bed.

"Nothing, just finishing dinner. What are you doing?" I asked.

"Ohhh ... Just rubbing my pussy," she giggled. "I'm still so sore down there! I'm glad you have small hands."

"Yeah?" I swallowed and looked at my brothers, who were trying to listen without looking like it. "What about your ass?" I whispered.

"Mmmm ... You wanna come over and find out? My parents went to Beaverton, they won't be back til late."

"Uhhh ... Hmmm..." I sort of wanted to go. In fact I really wanted to go, but... "I just got my period today," I told her, feeling a little embarrassed about it. I was the only boyfriend in Washington, I'd bet, who got a period.

"So?" Jane asked, like I'd said my bike had a flat tire.

"So, uh, I don't know..." I wasn't sure what to say really, I hadn't really expected her to not care.

"You feel bad?"

"Huh?" Did I feel bad, about what?

"You got like cramps and stuff? My first day is always the worst," she explained.

"Oh, uh no. I hardly ever feel bad like that. Just headaches sometimes."

"You're lucky then," Jane giggled. "So, you coming over or what?"

"Ummm, nah, I better not," I told her reluctantly. "I think my dad wants to see my face around the house a little more."

"Oh, yeah..." Jane sighed. "I get that too. A lot. Like they're afraid they won't recognize me or something some day. I wish!" she laughed. "Call me later then, okay? Please?"

"I will, you know I will," I promised and we said some soft intimate goodbyes and I hung up the phone feeling like I was missing out all of a sudden. But I was pretty sure I wouldn't have been a hundred percent comfortable either, even though Jane probably coulda cured me of that once I gave her the chance.

Next up was Kyle, which totally surprised me. He called like two minutes after I'd hung with Jane.

"Don't hang up! I'm really, really, really sorry! Okay?" he said quickly as soon as I answered.

I didn't say anything for a long time. I didn't even breathe. I just wanted to make him suffer. I'd been mad last night, that was a fact, but mostly just confused by how Kyle had acted. He'd sort of put me in a mood that had led to some interesting fun with Jane though, so maybe it was all part of the greater cosmic plan, I wasn't sure.

"Hello? Uh ... Ann? Hello?"

"I'm here," I said finally. "Was that your whole apology?" I tried to sound mad, kinda, and I think he believed me since I shoulda been mad.

"No, uh-uh, I got all kinds of other ones, wait! I wrote them down. I'm sorry I was such a jerk. I'm sorry I was drunk. I'm sorry I got mad for no good reason. I'm sorry I didn't listen to what you were saying. Uh ... I'm sorry I didn't pick you instead of the other guys. I'm sorry I didn't say I was sorry. I'm sorr..."

"Wait a sec..." I interrupted Kyle, "What did you just say?"

"Ummm ... I'm sorry I didn't say I was sorry?" he made it a question, like he wasn't sure.

"No, no, before that."

"Uh, okay, I was um, I'm sorry I didn't pick you instead of the other guys," Kyle said slowly.

"You mean when you told me you'd rather dump me than have Matt and Lance and John mad at you?" I asked softly.

"Yeah," Kyle was probably nodding. "I wish you were still my girlfriend."

"Why?" I was confused again, or maybe just a little resentful still that he'd picked someone else, even 3 best friends, over me when I'd picked him over my 3 best friends. That they were the same three guys didn't matter at all.

"Cause um, the way you used to look at me," Kyle was almost whispering. "And uh, the way you always helped me, even when it sorta embarrassed me, and you didn't notice it. And, I don't know, Ann ... Cause you're way hotter than any other girl, even Jane Hudson, or that girl in Beaverton."

"Why else?" I asked, not to tease him, but just to see if there was anything else. I wasn't mad at all anymore, I wasn't even sad really, I just ... I wanted to cry, mostly.

"Cause, uh, I love you," Kyle whispered.

"I gotta go," I blinked hard and my Daddy was coming in the kitchen, which was good convenient timing, but I couldn't talk to Kyle right then anyway. Not after what he'd said. I didn't want to listen to it anymore either.

"Wait..." but I hung up the phone and tried to smile, like nothing was up, but inside I was trembling.

"Who was that?" Daddy opened the fridge.

"Uh, that was Kyle," I felt too drained to lie.

"Oh," Daddy turned around holding a beer. "You want one? Looks like maybe you can use a little something." He didn't wait for an answer, he just tossed it to me. "Let's go look at that Kay you put back together," Daddy didn't leave much room for a no either.

There wasn't much to look at. I'd brazed the radiator just fine, flushed it and tested it and put it back where it belonged, it would hold like a champ, but that wasn't the point.

"I get the feeling you want to tell me something, but maybe you're a little scared," he said after a few minutes humming and poking with his nose under the Chrysler's hood.

"Uh, yeah," I admitted. "Maybe."

Daddy found a comfortable seat on the business end of a brand new Mitsubishi that some guy in Portland wanted turned into a street racer, like something out of a Fast and Furious movie. Daddy had turned him down twice, but the guy had deep pockets and even Daddy's pride had limits ... Least so far as putting his kids through college were concerned. He said we could deny we'd ever touched the thing once it was out of state; blame it on the Roscoe boys in Spokane, who were notorious for crap like that.

I just leaned up against one of the toolboxes, we had a lot of them, but this one was about 8 feet wide and 6 feet high and weighed a ton, literally. I coulda used the bottom drawer for a bedroom if it hadn't been full of grinders and stuff.

"Maybe," Daddy nodded. "Okay, well, I know it seems like I ain't always around and maybe I oughta spend more time in the house than out here, but I can see when something's bothering you."

"It's okay, Daddy, I understand..."

"I know you do," Daddy nodded, sipping his beer. "You're a good kid, always were, and you make me proud as hell. I don't say it enough, but you do, and you don't have to be shy with me, okay? I'm still your dad and ain't nothin' ever gonna change that."

I was nodding, trying to think of how to tell him what I thought I wanted to tell him, but my thoughts about Kyle kept getting in the way. Why in the world had he decided to call five minutes before Daddy decided to have a man to man with me? It seemed like everyone was always ganging up on me, even when they were trying to help me, it wasn't right or fair. I didn't need all this at once, didn't God know that? And on top of my period too!

I wanted my dad to get to the part where I could tell him anything, anytime, and we'd hug and I could go take a shower and just think.

But Daddy seemed to want some sort of answer about something and he wasn't gonna get to the hugging stage until he got one, or he was sure that I didn't have one for him. But I wasn't even sure how to begin, and if I did, where to stop ... Or even if there would be a stopping it, once it started, and that was really scary! I always tended to say a lot more than I should once I started crying on someone's shoulder, especially Daddy's because ... Well, he was my dad.

"So, what's on your mind?" Daddy was waiting, drinking his beer slow. He mostly gave us some slack about personal stuff, me especially, but I guessed he was really worried. Had I been acting that strange? I guess I probably had been if Daddy had noticed.

"Um..." I tried to remember how clear everything had seemed to me the other morning, when I really had wanted to talk to Daddy, but I just couldn't recall what I'd wanted to say. It just seemed impossible, but I took a deep swallow of beer anyway...

" ... Uh, Daddy, do you think I'm a boy, or a girl?" I might have blushed just a little, but I wasn't afraid to look at him. It was a serious question.

"Ah..." he cleared his throat a little. "I reckon you're a girl, sort of."

"But I'm sort of a boy too, ain't I," I said, not asking a question at all. I actually felt kind of happy inside, since Daddy hadn't laughed at me, or come out with a real quick answer, like of course I was a girl. He was a little undecided on the subject, like everyone else, and you might think that was pretty strange, but maybe you don't know any girls like me. Anyway, it seemed like good news for me, if he wasn't sure, I mean.

"I guess you got some boy in you," Daddy nodded slowly. "If uh, well if that's what's botherin' you, the way you were raised and all..." He was sounding a little guilty, probably thinking I was a little pissed because I hadn't worn dresses, or braided my hair, or played with dolls when I was growing up.

"No, uh-uh, dad, it doesn't bother me at all, at least not like that. I sorta have to tell you something though and, um..." I look down for a second, " ... And it might make you sorta mad." I finished my beer and I just held the can in my hands, Daddy had tossed his empty already.

"Okay," Daddy was a little confused, a little concerned too, but he was ready to listen. Even if he did get mad though, he wouldn't whip me just for that, for making him mad, he'd cool down first. That was one good thing about him that I always appreciated. He only punished us after he was done being mad, and then only if we deserved it, cause sometimes a person could make someone mad without really doing any mischief. And besides, he always said, it was the only way we were gonna learn anything and he wasn't trying to teach us how to tell when he was mad.

"I ... I am a boy, Daddy." I was looking at him, "Inside I mean, like in my heart, and I don't ever want to be a girl, I don't think."

"I see..." Daddy said slowly. "I'm not sure you got much choice in the deal, Ann," he told me gently. "I always knew you were gonna grow up, you know, but I sorta figured you'd want some lipstick or something." He was making it sound like that was what he was really wanting me to say, that I was turning into a young woman, not this stuff about being a boy.

"No," I shook my head, feeling bad cause I was disappointing him, I thought.

"That's a hard decision to make, girl," Daddy scratched his head. "Some of the kids giving you a bad time about it?"

I shrugged, "A few I guess, but I can handle it."

"So this ain't about somebody else, is it?" Daddy sighed; he could see the writing on the wall. "You got some more you want to say to me." I think he was hoping I'd cry about people calling me names or something, give him an easy problem to solve while he figured out what to do about me being a boy inside.

"Are you okay with that?" I asked him, figuring maybe I could sidestep around the big issue. "With me being a boy, I mean?"

"Heh," Daddy shook his head. "I guess I probably ought to be, huh? I didn't treat you any different from your brothers, so I don't reckon I should start just because you don't seem to want me to."

"Uh, okay." I had to puzzle that out in my little brain for a second.

Daddy watched me patiently, waiting to hear the rest of what I had to say.

"So, you wouldn't care if um, if I had a girlfriend, maybe?" I asked slowly, biting my top lip a little, because I was pretty nervous right then. My heart was thumping in my chest and I tried to stay calm, but I had that adrenaline rush you get when you feel a fight coming on.

"You telling me you like girls?" Daddy's eyes narrowed a little and nodded.

"I'm a boy ... So, uh ... I have a girlfriend, dad," I was looking at him, but I lowered my eyes before I could see his reaction.

I knew the story about my mom, I mean, I'd heard it from other kids mostly, and my brothers a little, but not much. How she'd run off with a stripper when I was four years old and left my dad to raise seven kids by himself. How the whole town had laughed about it at Daddy's expense mostly, but at his children's too. Mom had turned lesbian, or always was and just didn't do anything about it for some 15 years of marriage. Either way, I didn't figure Daddy would think much of his little girl being queer too.

"I'm sorry, Daddy."

I wasn't gonna cry, if that's what you're wondering. I didn't feel particularly upset, at least not that way. Mostly I just felt bad because I'd had to tell him. He deserved to know. And not just that, but he had to know that no matter how mad he got, or if he took me to the woodshed a hundred times, or even kicked me out of the house; no matter what he did, I wasn't going to change. Whatever I was, a boy or a girl, queer or straight, I was stuck with it. And so was everybody else.

"That would explain all the stargazing with Jane Hudson, I reckon," Daddy said after about ten minutes of cold silence in that big garage.

He said it kind of funny, like almost joking with me, and I glanced up to see him looking at me. But he didn't look all that mad, or even really disappointed, although I thought he must be; dad just looked like ... Well, like dad.

"You're not mad?" I asked him tentatively.

"I'm a little mad you lied to me last night," Daddy frowned. "You mighta just told me you wanted to spend the night with your new girlfriend."

"Uh..."

"I'd have said no," Daddy chuckled, "but I reckon you knew that."

"Yeah," I nodded, trying to look contrite, but inside I was doing cartwheels. My stomach was turning inside out and I felt like the Grinch the day after Christmas, when his heart started growing two sizes too big, you know? Daddy wasn't pissed? My brothers all told me he was gonna freak out if he knew! I thought the world was gonna stop when he found out! This was it? This was what I'd been agonizing over?

It was almost a let down, or so it seemed, but that woulda been really stupid.

"You want me to be mad?" Daddy looked at me. "Want me to try and change you somehow, bring you to some shrink in Seattle maybe? Get some of those pills they got that make you watch TV and smile all day long?"

"No," I shook my head. I didn't know what pills my dad was talking about, but I didn't want him taking me to a head doctor, that was for sure.

"I ain't sure I understand it," he scratched the stubble along his jaw. "But if you can put up with all the trouble, then..."

"Everybody thought you'd be really mad," I told him. "Mark, David, everybody."

"They did, huh?" Daddy chuckled a little. "I'm your dad. I put you on the road, wind you up a little, and try to help steer you clear of trouble. But I ain't the one driving. It's your life, Ann, you wanna try this thing with girls, I ain't gonna stop you. Hell, I probably couldn't stop you anyway. But there's gonna be hell to pay later," Daddy gave me a wry smile. "In a small town like this, there always is, just remember that."

"Yeah I know."

"Least I ain't gotta worry about you knocking that girl up," Daddy grinned at me and I nodded.

"No, I ain't gonna do that, Daddy," I giggled.

"So uh, you give up on boys then? Cause of that Hades kid, or..." Daddy was trying to figure it out. Even if he wasn't mad, it had to be confusing, finding out your girl was a boy and a lesbian.

"Uh, well..." I shrugged. "I like boys, okay. Some of them," I wasn't sure I should have been saying that.

"So..." Daddy looked at me like he wanted to know more.

"So um, I guess when I kiss a boy I feel sorta ... Queer, you know?" I blushed a little and looked down at the empty can I was holding.

"You feel queer kissing a boy," Daddy shook his head. "But kissing Jane Hudson makes you feel normal?" he laughed like that was a pretty good joke.

"Uh, yeah," I shrugged, "Sorta."

"She's a cute one though," Daddy sorta looked off into nowhere for a second. "Never woulda figured Jane Hudson for being one of them lesbians."

"What about me?" I asked him, just cause he had me curious after he said that.

"Huh?" Daddy focused on me again. "Oh, uh, hell girl, I sorta expected something like this outta you." And I wasn't sure if he was teasing me or telling me the truth, probably a little of both, I suspected.

"Well, jeeze! When we're you gonna let me know?" I said, just to tease him back. You have no idea how good I was feeling right then!

Daddy looked at his watch, "Oh, round eight o'clock." He hopped off the car laughing and rubbed my head. "You'll be okay, kiddo. Now why don't ya go call your girlfriend or something? I got some work to do out here."

Steve was in the kitchen, along with David and Henry, playing three handed cribbage, when I walked in. He asked me if I wanted to play but I shook my head and grabbed the phone.

"I was talking to Daddy," I told them as I dialed slowly, since talking and dialing were sort of hard to do at the same time for some reason.

"Oh yeah?" David looked up at me. "About what?"

"I told him I'm a lesbian," I said with a little shrug.

"What?" Henry stared at me. Well they were all staring at me, but just the news that I was a lesbian was shocking to Henry. "I thought you were like a guy or something."

"Shut-up, Henry," Steve told him.

"No way!" David was laughing and then yelling for Mark. "Hey! Mark! Mark ... Come down here!"

"Yeah, I did," I nodded. "I told him Jane was my ... Oh, uh, hi!" I turned my back on my brothers as Julie answered her phone. "Yeah, it's me."

"Wow! I was hoping you'd call, what are you doing?" Julie sounded happy to hear my voice.

"What did dad say?" David was asking me.

"She said she was like a fag, like a lesbian!" Henry was trying to explain to Steve.

"Hold on a sec, Julie." I covered the mouthpiece with my hand. "Could you guys be quiet? God! I'm on the phone here! ... Hey, I'm not doing anything really. My brothers are being sort of obnoxious though."

"Is that what that noise is?" Julie giggled. "Hey, I wanted to ask you something. I told my parents about you last week?" she made it sound like question.

"Yeah," I answered. "So?"

"Right, so anyway, that was, um, before I knew you were a girl, so I talked to them again, and this Friday, if you want, we can see a movie or something and you can crash here, at my house." She paused for a second, "If you want to, I mean, you don't have to or anything like that. I just..."

"Sure, yeah," I told her, giggling a little because she sounded so nervous. "You guys aren't going roller skating or something next Friday?"

"Annie, you didn't really tell pops, did you?" Mark was whispering to me the same time I was trying to talk to Julie.

"What was that?" Julie asked.

"That was my stupid brother Mark who's gonna get punched in about three seconds," I said, telling Mark more than Julie.

"Oh," she laughed. "Nah, my parents figured we'd all go horseback riding on Saturday instead of skating. Hey! You wanna go with us?"

"On Saturday? I can't, I think I gotta work that day."

"Oh," Julie sounded a little disappointed.

"But you know what? One of my best friends has a horse ranch, she has like three horses all her own, maybe sometime you can come over here and we can go riding at her place."

"Yeah, that would be great!" Julie replied enthusiastically.

"I'll talk to her then," I promised.

"Okay."

Julie was quiet for a minute and I was listening to my brothers, who were mostly talking about nonsense really. Wondering if I was really a lesbian or not since I was pretty much a guy anyway. I sincerely hoped Julie couldn't hear any of that, but they were being quiet anyway, since they didn't want my dad to hear them.

"Do you, ummmm..." Julie started asking me something and stopped.

"What?" I asked and when she wouldn't say I asked again. "What? Come on, don't tease me!" I giggled.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" she asked me finally. It surprised me a little, but maybe it shouldn't have since we'd never really talked about that stuff, at least not directly. But then again we'd just talked what? Three or four times over the last week or so, less than that really.

"Well, I did. That guy I was with, Kyle," I told her slowly.

"Oh, right yeah. I uh, sorta forgot," Julie giggled and I'd have bet a dollar she was blushing.

"How about you?" I asked her, deciding to sit down on the floor, pressed in the corner joint between the wall and the end of the kitchen counter. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No!" she laughed. "I'm not old enough yet according to some people."

"But you want one though, huh?" I teased her a little.

"No!"

"Come on, that's why you gave me your phone number, right?"

"No, I just ... I don't know, I wanted to talk to you." She paused like she might say more, "What?"

"Nothing," I said innocently. "So if I was a boy you wouldn't go out with me?"

"What?" she gasped a little and laughed. "No! My folks would kill me!"

"You always do what they say?" I was smiling to myself, it was kind of fun teasing her.

"Yeah ... Uh, mostly."

"Mostly? What does that mean?" I asked softly.

"Nothing, it's just ... Mostly!" Julie was smiling too, I could tell.

"What about the rest of the time, what do you do?"

"Nothing, God ... What do you do?" she laughed.

"I asked you first!"

"So, I asked you second!

"Ummm ... I went out with a boy!" I laughed. "So there!"

"I bet you didn't even kiss him!" she challenged me.

"Oh yeah?" I challenged her back. "How much?"

"Oh, you did not!"

"I did too, ask Denise to ask him if you don't believe me."

"Really?" Julie asked a few seconds later. "You really kissed him?"

"Well, yeah. It was a date," I giggled. "You ever kissed anybody?"

"No, ummm ... No, never," her voice was softer now.

"You should try it," I was almost whispering. "It's really nice."

"Yeah?"

"Uh-huh. You gotta know how to do it though, like Frenching. You know how to do that?"

"French kissing? Uh, sorta, I think."

"Sorta?" I laughed at her. "Probably it's a good thing you do everything your parents say, Julie," I teased her gently. "Mostly."

"Oh, yeah right, so you went on one date..." she sighed. "I wish you weren't so far away."

"Yeah," I sighed too, thinking if I was in her bedroom I'd have shown her exactly what French kissing was all about. My body was hot as heck and I blamed it on my period. All I wanted to do was kiss her right then.

"Come on," Steve grabbed my arm not three seconds after I hung up the phone.

"Hey ... Wait a minute ... Where you going?" All of my brothers were talking at once and watching as Steve led me out of the kitchen.

"We need to talk," Steve said, and he made it sound like he was my dad.

Scott was out someplace, probably down in Pullman, I thought, and I hoped he was having some fun. He'd gone down for the weekend and I thought he'd met a guy, but I didn't know for sure, of course. Scott kept that part of his life a total secret. So secret I hadn't even known until a few weeks ago.