Chapter 4

"I said, 'Kev, there is one thing that would help me a lot right now.' He asked what. I said, 'Well, it might seem kind of weird, but ... Could you just, hold me for a minute?'"

"Mmmmm... ," Monica mumbled. "That sounds risky seeing as how vulnerable you were."

"I know. I think I kind of surprised him. I probably even surprised myself by saying it. And he looked a little confused, or something. I'm not sure, but maybe the problem wasn't whether or not he should say yes. The problem was, how could he say yes without seeming too anxious."

"What do you mean, Simone?"

"At first I thought he didn't even get what I meant ... just to hold me. But then I thought that maybe he really wanted to, you know ... hold me ... comfort me. I thought it might be because of his crush on me. I don't know. It just seemed for a moment that he wanted to jump at the chance, but he didn't want me to know he felt that way. I'm not even sure if I know what I'm saying, Mon."

"I understand. Anyway, what did he say?"

"He just said, 'Sure, no problem.'"

"Then what happened?"

"I scooted over and lay down on the bed, then patted the spot next to me. He joined me, but he didn't really know what to do next. I reached for him and pulled him close to me. Then he figured out to put his arm around me and hug me." Simone paused to take another deep breath. "Oh Monica, I'd be lying if I said that it didn't feel wonderful to have someone holding me, just because I needed to be held. And he figured it out pretty quickly. He really held me tightly. It was just what I needed."

"Wow," said, "I ... I guess that's good."

"I think that he could tell it was what I needed. He moved to the side a little and wrapped his arms around me and started to rub my back. It just felt so perfect. I got caught up in it immediately. I was kind of lost in the warmth and sincerity of Kevin's hug. I'm sure I was barely aware that he was my little brother at that point."

"Oh, Simone. That sounds dangerous."

Simone gave Monica a look that indicated she was on the right track in her thinking.

"We just did that for a couple of minutes. Then, because he still didn't really know what he was supposed to do, he started to pull away a little. I didn't even think. I just said, 'Oh, don't let me go, Kevin. Please don't let me go. I've been so lonely.' It was just so good to be in someone's arms.

"Yea, you said that already," Monica said.

"Oh ... did I? Anyway, I had been so starved for physical touch. I was guess I was hungrier for it than I had imagined. I felt a little weird for a minute. But then part of me said that this was O.K. I realized it was just my little brother. I figured nothing really bad could happen because of that."

"But you were wrong about that, weren't you Simone?"

"Mm-hm," Simone responded with a nod of her head. "After a few more minutes of serious hugging and caressing, I felt an enormous need to have someone's hands on my bare skin." Monica stared intently at Simone. "I found myself warning Kevin before I asked him, so he wouldn't freak out."

"What did you say?"

"I said, 'Kev, Honey ... I hope this isn't too strange for you. But I just need a little more. I need your hands on me. That would feel so, so nice. If you're O.K., I'm gonna just open my blouse, so you can touch me a little. But it's O.K. if you don't want to. I'll understand.'"

"I take it he was O.K. with it?"

"I knew he was nervous at that point. I think if I thought he was thinking, 'Score!' or anything like that I would have stopped immediately. But he wasn't like that at all. He was caring and sensitive. He kind of stuttered a little, 'No ... uh ... uh ... it's O.K. Simone. I want to make you feel better.'"

"Oh my..." Monica murmered.

"So I unbuttoned my blouse and invited Kevin's hands inside. But the moment I felt the warmth of him against my skin, I knew I needed even more. I let him wrap his arms around me and squeeze me tightly again before determining what I wanted to do next. Somewhere in there I think I forgot again that he was my little brother. That just kind of evaporated from my brain."

"I don't even know what to say anymore, Simone."

"Mon, it's helping me so, so much to get this off my chest. Just listen, O.K.?"

"I'll try, Honey. It's not easy, but I'll try."

"Thanks," Simone replied before continuing. "So, I told him how good it felt to have him touch me. He said he was glad. And that's when I think I really lost my head." Monica kept her gaze on Simone as she slowly shook her head involuntarily. Simone went on. "I said, 'Kev, Honey ... I was wondering something. I was thinking about, when you helped me pump my breasts ... the way it felt ... for you to touch them.'"

"Simone, you didn't!"

"Please, just listen, Monica. I asked him if that had made him uncomfortable. And he said it didn't. So, I asked him if he would mind touching them again." Monica fought back an urge to ask Simone if she was crazy. Simone read her expression and said, "I know, Monica. I know. Anyway, he said O.K. I may have been naive, but I thought he might actually say 'no.' So I didn't give him a chance to think things over and change his mind. I sat up, slipped off my blouse completely and opened the flap on one cup of my nursing bra, then the other. I pulled both down at the same time and pushed each breast out through the opening."

At this point Monica was aware of a surprising change in her own thinking. Expecting to be totally repulsed by any further detail about Simone exposing herself to Kevin, Monica felt a kind of understanding for Simone's situation and even a small surge of intrigue. She couldn't believe that she actually wanted to hear more. For reasons she could quite grasp, she wanted every detail. Simone went on.

"My tits were hanging out and Kevin just stared. He had seen them before when he helped me pump. But this was different, for him and for me. I'm sure he had checked out my bod a number of times before. I caught him looking away many times. But now I was showing him my boobs, on purpose. I could tell this was a big deal for him. He was really up close and personal. And, I had told him I wanted him to touch them."

"Simone, I can't believe this," Monica said, her mouth slightly agape. "Wha ... what happened then?"

"Kevin said, 'Do you really want me to ... to ... to touch them?' I told him I really did ... badly. I could tell he wanted to, but he was really afraid that I would change my mind, I think. So, I took one of his hands in mine and placed it on my breast. I swear, his eyes boggled. I didn't think he had ever touched a girl's boob before, but that look made me sure of it. He was still laying down, so I motioned for him to sit up across from me. Then I took his other hand and put it in place on the other one. He just stared at his hands, not believing where they were resting. I put my hands on top of his and encouraged him to squeeze me."

Simone was not unaware of the change in Monica's attitude toward the topic at hand. She could tell that her friend's objections were fading away and that she was becoming increasingly interested in the specifics of what was being described. Monica's apparent change of heart allowed Simone to relax considerably as well.

"What did it feel like, Simone? What was it like to have his hands ... your little brother's hands ... on your breasts?"

"I don't know if I can even describe it. I almost had an out of body experience. It was incredibly thrilling, and warm and loving. But it was still like it really wasn't him. Well, I knew it was him, of course, because I felt how much he cared about me. But on the other hand, if I had been fully aware that it was Kevin's hands on my boobs, I probably would have run screaming out of the room.

He asked me if I was sure it was O.K. for him to be doing this. I nodded and smiled at him. He relaxed a little and started to caress me, very tentatively at first, then with a little more confidence. After all, I had asked him to do it. After a minute he actually seemed to be enjoying it."

Simone again noticed that Monica seemed more interested and less disapproving. So Simone decided she should just tell her everything without reservation.

"Kevin shouldn't have been surprised at what happened next," Simone continued. "He had seen me breastfeeding for months, although never as openly as he had recently. But even after all that, I don't know that he really quite got the idea that there was actual milk being generated by my boobs, even though he had helped me pump them. But when he ran the palms of his hands across my nipples and felt them get wet, he pulled them back in shock, like, 'What the hell is this?'"

"I can see how that would get his attention," Monica said. Simone thought she might have seen a glimmer of enjoyment in her friend's eyes.

"No kidding. So I said, 'It's O.K., Honey. It's just my milk. Don't be afraid. It's natural, remember?' Then I put Kevin's hands back onto my breasts and guided him to more caressing. I actually started massaging my boobs myself while he rubbed them. And milk began to drip out of each one. I moved his fingers to both nipples so that the milk could drip on them. He still looked a little scared, but he also looked fascinated.

I asked him what he thought. He said it was pretty cool. He was fingering my nipples and looking closely at the milk dripping out. The expression of wonder on his face really got me going, then. I sat back a little and he thought I wanted him to stop. But instead of retreating, I reached behind my back and unclasped my bra, then slipped the straps down my shoulders."

"So, you were topless, then? Oh, Simone! You're awful!"

"I was topless. And I am awful." Simone said this knowing that Monica had used the word 'awful' in a somewhat playful way. "Then I went like this..." Simone crooked her finger and imitated the gesture she had made to Kevin. "I wanted him to come closer again. He came in to look at my leaking nipples, and when he did, I took each nipple between my fingers and squeezed. I shocked the hell out of Kevin when two jets of milk hit him in the face."

Both Simone and Monica were enjoying the details now. Monica opened her mouth for a small gasp and her eyes were wide in disbelief.

"Simone! No way! You did not do that!"

"Uh, yea I did," she said with a smile. "I can't believe it, but I did."

"You're horrible!"

More playful talk. Simone was glad to see that Monica was responding this way.

"I know, Monica. But can you see how I would get wrapped up in this?"

"I can't believe it, but I totally can," Monica replied. "Good grief, Simone ... what happened next?"

"I said, 'I'm sorry, Kevin!' But I was laughing when I said it. 'I really am sorry! But you were looking at my boobs so seriously! I just had to get you and lighten you up a little.' I think he was more spellbound than ever at having my milk come in contact with his face. He hadn't had the nerve to stick his tongue out and taste it yet. So I said, 'Kevin, you asked me about what it tasted like. So go ahead.'"