Chapter 47: Moira

Be yourself, see yourself
I can see others like me
Be yourself, see yourself
Try and find peace of mind
Be yourself, see yourself
Be yourself, see yourself
Be yourself

Be yourself, see yourself
I can't find peace of mind
Be yourself, see yourself
I can see others like me
Be yourself, see yourself
Be yourself, see yourself
Be yourself, see yourself
Be yourself

Gary was sprawled on the bed, staring at the ceiling. He glanced down long enough to give me a small smile, and to pat the bed next to him in invitation. Then he went back to staring at the ceiling, even as I snuggled close to him. I didn't say anything, but I gave him a squeeze once I was comfortable, and he squeezed me back, and we listened.

Hawkwind is definitely trippy music. I read that one of the things they were trying to do, musically, was produce an acid-trip experience without having to actually drop acid. And gosh, as I listened to the song wind itself out of existence, and then pop back into the groove, I could only think they succeeded. It took me twenty minutes to notice that Gary really did have the song on auto-repeat, which is ironic as the song already repeats itself in twisted, unpredictable ways. We listened to the BE YOURSELF mantra several times as we lay there. Finally, Gary snagged the remote off the bedside table and we were plunged into a rather short-lived silence.

"Where would you like to live, Moira? I mean, if we're not on Furthurmore?"

I raised my head to look in his face. "Gary, what's this all about?" I knew, from the music he'd been listening to, that he'd been deep in thought about something important, or maybe he just thought he was thinking deeply.

Gary sighed in response before answering.

"Things that Saralinda and Kate said to me got me thinking. Everybody leaving the ship got me thinking. The feeling of having that little boy in my arms got me thinking. Moira, you got me thinking. It's not that this whole Furthurmore thing isn't working — it did work. But things are changing, and I'm changing, and it's time to do something different."

I could feel a knot of tension in my belly as he spoke. I liked my life, and I wasn't sure I wanted to do something different.

"Moira — can I tell you what's in my heart, what I really desire, without you freaking out?" He didn't wait for my answer. "I want us, you and me, together for always. And I want us to have a family. I want to marry you, Moira."

I felt myself go tight, like I'd hardened. I rolled out of his arms and stood, with my back to him. I could feel myself begin to shake. No, no, no!

"Gary — you can't do this to me," I finally managed.

He was scrambling out of bed to come over to me, but I turned my head and gave him a glare, and, Oh Lord, he halted in his tracks. He looked unsure of himself, which softened me a touch, but not much.

"Gary, that is not in the rules. I'm just one of 'The Girls'. If I'm not allowed to think things like that, neither are you! What about Simone? What about Kate? What about... , what about Saralinda?"

He raised his arms up, as if by waving his hands like an Italian deep in passionate conversation, he could bring forth words to answer me with. But then he just dropped them to his sides, and kind of slumped down so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Moira, first, you're not 'one of the girls', especially since they're all gone but you. Joanne left, Kate left, Simone and Tori are leaving, though really they've not been part of "The Girls" since Tori came on board. Saralinda has never officially been 'one of the girls'." He sounded, not bitter, but maybe a bit wistful "But, believe me, Moira, this isn't about being afraid of losing you. This isn't just because you're the only one left."

I shot him a skeptical glare, but this time he didn't flinch. I sighed. "Okay then, Honey. What is it about?"

"Well, I was thinking about three things," he began. And then he sat down and patted the bed next to him. With some reluctance, I went and sat down next to him. Once I was settled, he took my hands in his.

"I love you, Moira. I haven't told you that enough. Maybe, until recently, I didn't realize just how much I love you. That's not one of the 'three things', but I needed to tell you that first."

His blue eyes, those amazing blue eyes ... Lord, they were filled with love. Love for me. I swallowed hard. "I love you too, Gary. I love you so much that sometimes..." I couldn't go on.

He kissed me then, not a kiss of burning passion, but it was all the sweeter for that. It was surely with reluctance that we broke that kiss, but Gary had things he wanted to say, or maybe needed to say.

His looked at me for a long time after that kiss ended. But then he looked over to the side table and picked up a photo of Lisa and spent a long time looking at her before he spoke. I looked at the photo too; it was one I'd not seen before. Lisa had been beautiful, in a delicate way. Long, pale blonde hair, blue eyes, slender. If she'd been in my third grade class, I bet every boy would have had a crush on her, and most of the girls too, and probably the teacher as well. But it looked like she'd never let it go to her head. Somehow, her natural beauty reminded me of Malia, though they could hardly have looked more different.

"For a long time, Moira, I was running away," he finally began. "The ship, the girls, the restless travel. It helped. It was a great run, with lots of parties and lots of fun and lots of lovers and lots of sex. And I still want to have parties and fun and sex, but I don't want to be running anymore. Or maybe it's better to say that I don't need to run anymore. I ran out of fear, Moira. I ran because I'd made the life I had with Lisa and Paul into the perfect domestic scene, at least in my head. And if I never again was settled down as a husband with a perfect wife and child and home, then it could never be taken away again, right?

"But over the last few months, I've slowly come to realize that running away couldn't protect me — that my ship and my fun and my 'girls' — and most, most especially you, Moira, were as important to me as Lisa and Paul ever had been. As Joanne left, and then Kate left, it hurt more than I allowed myself to show. And yes, Moira, if I'd tried to have this conversation with you a couple of weeks ago, you'd have been right in thinking that I was just afraid to lose you too.

"It's funny how things go, isn't it. Moira — it was Saralinda who made me realize a lot of things. She's so unafraid to love, even after all she's lost and and all she's gone through. Or rather, she may have fears about someday losing you or me or Jake, but she doesn't let that slow her down. She lives what she feels. Which made me realize that if running away from domestic bliss couldn't protect me from the fear of loss, then I should just go and love anyway, like Saralinda does. And if I can fear loss when I'm not 'settled down', then there's no point in running either; of not considering the possibility of domesticity.

"Moira, I love you so, so much. I want to be with you, always, for as long as I can have you. But I don't want to figure out how to make that happen. I want us to figure out how. I want there to be an 'us' that's not 'Gary' and 'one of his girls', but 'Moira and Gary', as equals.

'Moira and Gary'! I almost couldn't breathe, which kept me from saying anything then, though, Lord, what would I say? But then Gary went on anyway.

"The second thing was a revelation I had when I was holding that little boy today, Moira. I don't know if I can explain just what happened with Paul. When he was born, I was eager and excited, but wary, and pretty clueless. I wasn't at all sure how I was going to be as a dad. But then, in the delivery room, after they'd gotten him cleaned up and Lisa had a chance to hold him briefly, the midwife picked him up. 'Well now, it's time to free up this birthing room. Lisa, you get to ride over to your room in a wheelchair. And Paul, ' she'd said to the baby, 'you get to be carried by your father'. Then she shoved this bundle at me, like a quarterback making a handoff to a runningback. 'Take him!' she insisted when my hands were slow to grab him. 'He's your baby.'

"Moira, I took this bundle from her and looked down into Paul's face, and I swear something happened in me, as quickly as throwing a light switch; something changed in me. There was no longer a bundle in my arms, there was Paul, my baby. In an instant, Paul became more precious to me than, than anything. He held a place as near as Lisa, but different. He would always be my baby, Moira!"

Gary's face held a look, almost of rapture just then, and I felt tears fill my eyes, for I knew what came next. But I was surprised, because when Gary continued, he didn't look sad.

"And then, of course, Paul was snatched away, and there's been a gaping hole in my soul ever since. But, Moira, when I cradled that little boy in the street today, I realized something, something really important. Even though there will always be a hole there where my baby had been, there's room in my soul for more children. They won't fill the hole left by Paul. But there's room for more than one child in my heart, Moira. I don't need to fear that having another child will take Paul's place, since there are places there waiting for other children. And I also realized that I can't let the fear get in the way. Moira, I want a baby... our baby!"