Chapter 44: Saralinda

That night I managed to eat a little of what Michelle cooked for us. All the time I was eating, though, I kept trying to remember Mamma. Jake and Gary and Moira were talking, including a discussion of a possible trip to Seattle, and whether that would be a good idea. Like, what they would be able to accomplish if someone went? I gave up trying to listen, and instead tried to see Mamma's face or hear her voice in my head. I tried to remember her smile. It was sad how hard it was to bring back memories of her. Mamma was more like a feeling to me than like a real person anymore.

I kept looking over a Moira, who looks nothing like Mamma looked. I tried to think about the feeling of Moira, and whether it was the same as the feeling of Mamma. I don't mean, like the feel of their touch. I mean the feeling I got inside when I thought of them.

Mamma was Mamma, I decided. Moira was different. Having really great sex with Moira definitely made things different...

Mamma was always there, except when she was at work. Most of the time, she was busy with me – making sure I got food, getting me to do homework, cleaning the house and trying to get me to help, washing my clothes, helping brush my hair, making sure I brushed my teeth. But we also talked. She'd ask about school, and try to help with my homework. She'd ask me about my dreams when she woke me up in the morning. She talked to me and read to me if she was home at bedtime, but that was only a few days a week.

I never really thought about how much of a job it was to be a mother. And my mother had worked hard at it. Because she cared about me. That thought really, like, got to me. Okay, I guess sometimes she got impatient with me, and sometimes she was probably just pissed off at her life – the rest of her life – and she'd yell at me or whatever. But thinking back, most of the time she treated me like I was the most important thing in her life. Certainly, the way my father treated her, he wasn't what she really cared about. She never really said anything about her job, whatever it was. But she almost always had time for me.

And then I had this horrible thought. If, like, she hadn't had to worry about me, Mamma would have left my father earlier. It would have been easy for her to simply not come home from work one night. And then she'd still be alive. But instead, she'd had to figure out how both of us could get away, and that was harder, too hard. Neither of us got away, not until Gary... Mamma died trying to save me!

I had to squeeze my eyes shut, then, to keep the tears from pouring down my face at dinner. I felt Moira reach around my back to give me a little hug. "You okay, Honey?" Gary and Jake were still talking things over.

I shook my head, but then I nodded. I swallowed, then turned to her and opened my eyes. I looked intently into her beautiful face. Her green eyes that were so caring. Her pale skin and freckles. Her gorgeous red hair. Her lips, that were pink and full. The hollow of her throat. "What is it?" she asked me softly.

"I was trying to remember Mamma, but I can't really. I mean, I can remember a couple of photos of her, but I can't really just bring her face to mind. So I was looking at you and trying to memorize your face. It's silly."

"It's sweet, Honey," Moira told me. And then she was really looking at me. It felt funny, and I think I blushed. "You really are cute, you know that, Saralinda?" she said, finally.

"Except for my crooked teeth," I muttered. Moira raised her eyebrows. "If they bother you, you could always get braces, Hon..."

I knew braces were expensive. That was why I still had crooked teeth. Gary would, of course, offer to pay. It would be so easy to just let Gary pay for everything, and, like, take care of everything for me. And then I'd just be Gary's pet girl, and he'd pat me and take care of me and... FuckHow would that be different than being a 'kept woman' really? But, ... maybe I could earn them. Like, Gary could pay me for keeping his books, and I could use that money, my money, and pay for Dr. Anna and pay for braces? But I didn't say any of that to Moira. "Maybe I will, but it's not important now," I told her, which was also true.

I looked down at my dinner. It looked good, and it felt wrong to not want to eat it, but I didn't. I pushed my plate away. Moira's arm was still around my shoulders, and having put down my fork, I leaned against her.