Chapter 17: Gary

"Hey – check out this one – Kaihalulu Beach - One of Hawaii's prettiest beaches, but difficult to reach. The remains of a caved-in cinder cone have created the beautiful cove in which this crescent-shaped beach is found. Located on the far side of Ka'uiki Hill south of Hana Bay. Drive to the Hana Community Center and follow the path that passes an old cemetery. The path crosses to the shoreline and up and along the face of the outside of the cinder cone. At the end of the path you'll find the Red Sand Beach. Swimming and snorkeling are excellent. The water is calm and clear. This is a very small beach but one which should not be missed. The view of the red sand against the blue sea bracketed by the green ironwood trees and a rocky lava sea wall is unmatched! This beach is very isolated and nude sunbathers sometimes visit the area, " I read.

"That does sound nice. I wonder what Saralinda would think of a nude beach," Moira mused.

"We could ask her. She in the bedroom?"

"Mmmm – I think she got bored looking over our shoulders."

I got up and headed to the downstairs bedroom. Moira followed, perhaps curious as to what the girl's reaction would be. I got to the doorway and stopped, waiting for Moira to look too. Saralinda was in bed, snoring softly. The TV was still on, as was the light. It didn't look like she'd undressed, though she'd at least taken off her jeans, as they were lying on the floor.

Moira stepped past me and moved quietly, turning off the television, pulling the sheet up over Saralinda's shoulder, and giving her the softest good-night kiss on the forehead, before shutting off the light.

She pushed me out of the room and closed the door.

"We'll have to wait until morning to ask for her ideas," said Moira. "Lord knows, she needs her sleep."

"Looks like it."

She started walking back towards the table where we'd been sitting, but I grabbed her hand.

"Thank you for being so good to her," I said simply.

She said nothing for several seconds, then she just nodded.

"No, really," I persisted. "She needs you on so many levels, and you're there for her."

She sighed, as I took her in my arms.

"It's hard to know if I'm doing the right thing," she explained. "Therapist, mother, sister, friend, lover ... which am I supposed to be for her? I keep trying to decide?"

"Why decide? Why can't you be all of those things, at least for now? She needs all of the different you's – all of who you are to her. Look, she has to overcome this bipolar thing, but she also needs to catch up on growing up. She seems like she stopped growing, in some ways, when she lost her mother. She needs the last 12 years of mothering desperately. And as she catches up, she's going to need a friend that's as close as a sister to her.

"As for being her lover, who better to bring her into her sexual self than the one person she loves the most. Look, as long as you never reject her, and as long as you'll still be Mom and Sis and Therapist if she decides she doesn't want to be your lover, I don't see the problem. You're not the jealous type. It isn't a choice you need to make."

"Is it really that simple, Gary?" she asked wistfully.

Was it? "Probably not. Nothing is ever that simple... "I think it will be fine if you love her as much as you can in all the ways that you can."

"Will you love me, Gary? She needs so much, and she doesn't have much to give back yet. I don't mind a bit, but it makes me tired inside to be so many people for her."

I pushed her back so I could look into her eyes. I felt a huge swell of emotion inside me. How could she not know? Maybe because I've never really said anything... "Moira - I'll always love you. I hope you know that. You're not just part of the staff to me – you're special. I know I shouldn't say that, but..."

"Oh Lord, Gary, if only I could really believe that..."

Suddenly, she crushed her mouth against mine, and she was moaning. We kissed for a long time, the desperation yielding slowly to tenderness. "Let's go upstairs," I mumbled between kisses.

Being adults, we made sure the front door was locked, and we tidied up the empty bottles a bit, before creeping up the stairs. There was no door at the top; the upper bedroom was really just a loft overlooking the living room downstairs. Moira had to scurry back down to find her toothbrush, and we went through our bedtime preparations with the closeness of long intimacy.

Both of us sleep in the nude most of the time, so we quickly stripped and slipped under the covers, then snuggling into each other's arms.

"Did you mean what you said downstairs, Gary?"

"About loving you? And being special? Yes. Absolutely."

We lay there facing each other for several seconds, our eyes on the other's.

"Look, you know the score, right? I'm never going to be a one-woman man. That's a choice I've made, and there's lots of reasons, but basically it's because it's not part of me to be exclusive.

"Kate has been with me forever, and we're still very close. She– I think she loves me more than I can love her, but I do love her, just not quite in the same way. And I owe her a lot, including owing her a lot of respect and loyalty. If we'd gotten married when we met, I guess we'd probably be divorced by now. But that's not the way things went, and we're still together. And that means a lot to me. Still, she's not my soul mate.

"There have been other women over the years who have been pretty special too. Joanne is one. I'm about to lose her, though it couldn't be in a better way.

"And, you know I have sex with others – casual sex, fun sex, tender sex even – with Simone, and with Michelle, and Ingrid, and even sometimes with women I meet in a port somewhere.

"But if I had to forsake all others and chose one..." I couldn't go on. It wasn't fair to tell Moira what was in my heart, because I would never act on it.

"But you don't need to make that choice, so you won't," finished Moira.

I swallowed hard. I was afraid I might lose Moira like I was losing Joanne. And losing Moira would be harder. Much harder. Too hard.

We lay in silence for a minute. I didn't know what to say or what to do.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked, tentatively.

"Hmmmph," she snorted softly. "I'm your God-damned employee, Gary. I'm not allowed to be 'thinking about'". I winced. "Anyway," she added after a few seconds of tense silence, "you're the one who brought it up. All I asked for was love."

"I know," I told her, kissing her softly. "It's not you I'm having the argument with. It's me."

"Well, do you think you can stop arguing with yourself for a while, and kiss me, and maybe eat me, and fuck me instead? A girl doesn't like to have to beg, Gary..."

I could, and I did, and we slept soundly afterwards, but I knew nothing had been settled.

In the morning, I awoke just as Moira pulled my hard cock out of her mouth, shifted up, and impaled herself on it. The room was beginning to get light, but I was pretty sure it was still early. Moira bounced herself up and down on my dick, making the bed thump into the wall rhythmically. Her large breasts swayed in time with her movements, which was a delight to see. Her long red hair cascaded around her shoulders, lit by that early morning sun.

Then she slowed down, changed the rhythms of her motions, and she began to sing quietly. I didn't recognize the song at first, because her voice is so different from Jerry Garcia's...

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand,
And says "Don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup
Only love can fill, Only love can fill.

Been walking all morning went walking all night
I can't see much difference between the dark and light
And I feel the wind And I taste the rain
Never in my mind to cause so much pain.
From day to day just letting it ride.
You get so far away from how it feels inside.
You can't let go cause you're afraid to fall,
But the day may come when you can't feel at all.
Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand,
And says "Don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup
Only love can fill, Only love can fill,
Only love can fill, Only love can fill.