Chapter 5

I tried to open my eyes against the glare of the emergency treatment room lights. Something was wrapped around my wounded arm and a tube was running into the other.

"I can't leave you alone for an hour without you getting yourself into trouble." said Sal when she saw me coming around. "JD you just can't go around stopping bullets and still get your ranch back up to speed. You hear me, Stud?"

"What happened?" I asked.

"We really don't know. I walked onto the front porch of the ranch house and found you falling off your horse like a sack of organic fertilizer. Connie somehow brought you to the ranch house. You were a bloody mess. Dewy slapped a pressure bandage on the bleeding, and we hauled your sorry ass to the hospital. I gotta tell you, sweet thing, red is not your best color."

"Do you remember what happened, there cowboy?" asked a tall skinny man in blue jeans and a flannel shirt. He took off the fly fishing hat he was wearing and set it on the end of the bed. "You just ruined some of the finest fishing I've had in years. Your weapon's been discharged. This better not be caused by your gun falling out of your holster, or I just might lock you up on a charge of 'felony stupid'."

"Bob Short! You watch your mouth, or we're gonna have a little set-down," shouted Sal. "The poor boy's been shot and you're bitching about not getting enough pussy at Jim's place. Maybe it's about time I reconsidered running for Sheriff next year if that's your attitude."

"Sal, you watch your mouth. I'm your boss. You need to show some respect here."

"Respect has to be earned for me to give it, Hotdog, and right now, you're on respect welfare. You haven't earned shit."

"Sal get out of here, I have official duty to do here."

"No way, Sheriff. I'm not leaving this boy to be harassed by some half sober throwback who thinks he's a real lawman."

"Sal, get out of here before you get to see the other side of a cell door."

"You think you're man enough to put me there, Sweet Cheeks? You just try. I'll wipe the floor with your skinny ass."

Before Bob could respond, Billie walked into the room in a solid blue business suit. The skintight skirt ended about six inches above her knees, and the jacket was only just winning the battle to hold her breasts in. "Sal, it's okay. This is my job. Thank you for keeping my client company while I took care of some problems."

"What kind of shit are you and Sander trying to pull now?" stammered the sheriff. "Sander doesn't like you playing lawyer anymore."

"Playing, little man? I'm not playing, but if I was, even in your dreams you couldn't hope to be in my league. Sander likes JD. In fact as soon as he gets the Dance Hall open he will be here to check up on his friend. Now, in a civil manner and only if the doctor concurs, you may ask your questions while I'm here."

Billie looked at me and then added, "JD, you will not answer any questions unless I agree to them. Can you handle that?"

My momma didn't raise a complete fool, so I replied, "Yes, your Ladyship."

She smiled at me. "Good boy. I knew you were smart."

After about thirty minutes of questioning, the doctor came into the room to put an end to the visitations. Before she left, Billie kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear, "Sander has sent our plane to pick up your family back East. They should be here by the time you get out of here."

What I didn't see according to the dinner shift nurse was Billie and Sal tearing into the back woods Sheriff for being in such an asshole mood when he questioned me. I had no problem with it though. I found out that I'm really a happy camper on morphine. I was so out of it I couldn't blame anyone for being upset about anything.

First, it was the weekend. I know a lot of people who hate working weekends. It's the American way to bitch about overtime. Me, I just don't work. I figure if you're having fun doing what you do, it ain't work. While I may be gainfully employed, I make sure I enjoy it. Life's too short to do it any other way.

Second, if all the girls at Gentleman Jim's are even close to as good as the Polly-Anna, poor Bob Shorts was missing out on a hell of a good time. Hell, I don't know if I wouldn't have been upset with me if push came to shove.

Was I gonna say that out loud? No fucking way in hell. We apprentice rednecks knew on what side the bread was buttered. Good old Sheriff Bob, with his bad mood, had fallen into a pit of his own making, and I wasn't going to run the risk joining him in the women's scorn.

That night I had a parade of visitors. Mary and Becky started the show by sneaking in a huge slice of homemade coconut cream pie. You know, this was primo HOMEMADE coconut cream pie and not that store-bought crap that tasted like sweetened lard in a cardboard Frisbee. Mary dropped a kiss on me that would have brought back Pinkie if we could have found his ashes.

Becky smiled as she squeezed my good shoulder. "We needed to get real food to you. The dietary staff here works to keep people in the hospital longer to increase profits. You can taste it in their excuse for food."

Mary sat on the side of the bed. "You're all tied up, let me help."

As Mary started feeding me the pie, Dewy stopped to pick up Becky for a date. "So this is what happened to tonight's special pie. JD, you can't have that. It'll mess with your meds. Give it here and I'll get rid of it before the hospital finds it and you get in trouble."

My doctor had somehow snuck unnoticed into the room. "Too late for that, Dewy, 'The Spoon Missing Special Pie of the day Caper' is already public knowledge. In order to eliminate any chance of malpractice, though, we need to investigate the suitability of the substance in clinical trials. Is this the only sample, Investigator Brown?"

"Oh no sir, Mr. Chief of Staff Johnson, there is a complete 360 degree sample on your desk. Because of its volatile nature, I recommend you take it to your private test labs and enlist the aid of Mrs. Chief of Staff Johnson to conduct your trials."

"I don't know, Investigator Brown, that I should expose Mrs. Johnson to the possible consequences of this substance."

Mary shot a scornful look at the hospital chief of staff and replied, "Harry, if you try to hide that pie from Annabelle, your next stay in her doghouse could be permanent. She has a nose for my coconut cream pies. She'll smell it on your breath. She'll find the meringue on your collar. She'll see the shame in your eyes. You're not man enough to pull it off, Harry. Be safe, share it."

"Again, Mary I have to thank you for returning me to the true path of keeping my ass out of a sling."

He then turned to me. "Young man you are truly lucky today, other than getting shot that is. First your horse had enough sense to get you home, then you found a semi-competent Vet that remembered enough first aid to keep you from bleeding to death, then you got pro bono representation from one of the top criminal lawyers in the country, and now you are consuming the last publicly known elements of Saturday's Spoon Special pie from the hands of the goddess that created it."

I couldn't argue with that since he took out the getting shot part. "I agree, sir. I'm as happy as a fly in shit. Oh, by the way, you got great drugs!"

"Son, I'm glad you approve. I can see you're well taken care of, so I should be letting you out of here day after tomorrow. I'd let you go tomorrow, but because of the original blood loss I'd like to monitor your systems one more day, besides, Sundays at the Spoon are blackberry cobbler days. I can't wait for that clinical test."

Doctor Harry Johnson was one of those 'underachieving' doctors that 1950 and 1960 family TV shows were centered on. He had married a girl he met in medical school, and hadn't looked at another woman with lust since he met Annabelle 22 years ago. His brilliance could have made him a multi-millionaire if he had moved to one of the big cities, but he loved medicine for medicine's interaction with people, not as a means to wealth. Suddenly, I asked myself, "How did I know that?"

Before I could give it anymore thought, Sander and Billie came in with a young girl. Dewey and Becky left for their date after they hugged the young girl. Sander put his arm around her and introduced us. "JD, other than my Billie, this is the most important person in my life, my niece, Miss Millie Sander. She is my brother's daughter and the light of our family."

Millie was not exactly a shy introverted young thing. "Uncle Sander only said that because my little brother isn't born yet. Momma said there would be enough love to go around, but how would she know? She was an only child."

"Well," I said. "She may have a point there. I have a brother and sister, and there was always plenty of love to go around. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Little girls are always the favorite of uncles and daddies."

"Really?"

"Honest as can be, but you can't tell anyone. It could hurt your brother's feelings. He could get jealous."

"You mean like Uncle Sander gets when other men look at Billie?"

Hello, how did I get into that one? "Millie, I'm sure your uncle understands that when men look at Billie it is with appreciation of a wonderful and beautiful person that reflects positively back on him."

"Is that before or after he gets jealous?"

Just then, Sal made an entrance. "What? You're having a party and no one invited me. I'm really upset. Millie, you baby setting this bunch of delinquents?"

"Yes I am. Aunt Sal, what's a deli ... What you said?"