Chapter 4: Lies Of Love

One month passed and Ruby had not begun to show her pregnancy yet, except for the imperceptible inch she gained in her waist. Even that tiny inch was probably due to her improved diet. Although she figured she was in her sixth week, perhaps a little over six weeks pregnant, she felt no hint of tiny life growing inside her.

She was afraid of what Jimmy might say or think if he found out, she was pregnant. She had heard the guys back in Perkins go on about how "no man wanted to raise another guy's bastard kid."

Fears assailed her as she examined the various possibilities. She wondered, would he just throw her out the door and forget about the tramp that got knocked up and tried to use him as a sucker? Repeatedly she went over her options and found they were limited. She was afraid to even consider a future without Jimmy. It was so unfair!

She thought hard about the possibility the baby growing inside her might somehow be Jimmy's. She counted the days. No, decided there was small chance he could be the father. Maybe she could convince him it was his. "Damn, Maybe I ought to just go and die." Ruby waited...

For Ruby, it was not a question of whether or not to confess she was pregnant, but rather how and what to tell Jimmy. Her dilemma was, should she not lie and tell Jimmy who the father was, or rather was not? On the other hand, should she lie to him and let him believe he was the father? Well, she could be at least be thankful all her johns had been white.

Fear she would lose the love and respect of Jimmy warred against her newfound conscience and honesty that was loathe to lie to this big, gentle man with his great and loving heart.

Then the decision was forced on her. It came on the forty-ninth morning of her residency in Jimmy's house. He sat at the kitchen table eating the ham, grits and eggs with buttered toast she had prepared for his usual breakfast. Ruby sat in half-slip and bra across from him, as she tried to work up the courage to confess. Ruby nibbled at her toast. She had no appetite.

What made things worse was Jimmy. He seemed troubled about something. Time after time, he looked up at her as if about to say something. Each time he started to say something he stopped and returned his gaze to his plate. He's found out about me, she thought to herself. He's going to kick me out.

Finally, after he took a last sip of coffee, Jimmy pushed his chair back from the table. At the same time, Ruby took a deep breath. It's now or never, she decided.

They both spoke at the same time.

She said, "Jimmy, I'm going to have a baby."

Jimmy told her, "Ruby, I can't never be a daddy."

Their words jumbled out, clashed and both Ruby and Jimmy fell silent. The silence pressed down on them both. Then a pressure seemed to build up in the room. Her lungs felt incapable of drawing in another breath.

Ruby saw a strange expression transform his face and felt a sinking sensation in her stomach. She knew it; her Jimmy was going to kick her out. Lips half parted, Ruby waited to hear the Jimmy denounce her.

Finally, unable to remain silent, Ruby spoke again before Jimmy could say anything. "I missed my monthly. I ... I think I'm pregnant and..."

A look of wonder came over the big man's face as he stared open mouthed into her eyes. "Are you sure, Ruby? Are you sure? Are you real sure?"

Jimmy's big hand reached out to Ruby. He looked at her in awe. His chin began to quiver. Whimpering sounds came from deep inside his throat, and his eyes filled with tears. He was much more gentle than usual as he touched the back of her hand. "Oh Ruby," he cried in a whisper she could barely hear.

"A woman knows about these things, sweetheart. But I got to tell you..." She got no further.

"Oh Ruby honey, you just gave me my dream. Oh Ruby," he whispered her name and began in a louder voice, "You don't know how bad I have wanted a baby of my own and the army docs said that rifle wound I got in the groin stopped almost any chance of that ever happening. Oh honey, I want you to be sure and don't make any mistake." He came around the table and knelt in front of her on one knee. "Ruby, tell me true, are we going to have a baby?"

She took a deep breath as she tried to sort through her thoughts. The ache in her throat came back. She felt as if an arrow pierced her heart when she saw the look of wonder on this big man's face. No matter what she did, it was wrong. None of the old mushy romance novels she read back in Perkins prepared her for this real life drama.

Her new discovered honesty demanded she tell him the truth. Her conscience demanded she tell him the truth. Yet, all it took it took was one look at his face and she saw Jimmy's desperate need to be a father. It would be wrong to destroy that dream and perhaps Jimmy with it.

"Oh, Jimmy," she told him, "We are going to have a baby and you will be the nicest, most loving daddy in the whole world. I love you so much, Jimmy." She sobbed into her hands. "Oh, how I love you."

"That is the first time you ever said it to me like that, Ruby honey. You never said you loved me a whole lot ever before." He reached up to cup her face between his big hands. I told you how I feel every day. Yet all you ever said was you loved me in a sort of 'I like you' tone of voice, as if you was being polite. He bowed his head down and grabbed the outside of her thighs. "I love you so much I hurt inside."

She bent over and kissed the top of his head, as he stayed on his knees in front of her as if she were the Madonna or a goddess of life.

Suddenly Jimmy got to his feet in one great surging movement. In his excitement he almost knocked her and the table over backward. "Jimmy honey, you got to be more careful. You almost knocked me on my behind again. You got to be more careful, sweetheart."

In an instant, he was filled with self-reproach. "Oh Ruby, I got to be way more careful, a hundred times more careful. You got our baby in there."

He looked at her with awe and reverence. "Now I don't want you to do no work and you just sit around and listen to the radio and I'll get someone in to take care of the house and I'll do the fixing up. I'll put a new room on the house for the baby and I'll..." He groped for words, "Oh I don't know what I'll do, but I will do it, I promise I will." He backed up and knocked the kitchen table to one side.

"Please Jimmy, slow down. Now we got plenty of time to get things sorted out. You just calm down and go on to work. And you just get it out of your head about hiring nobody. We can't afford it and women been having babies for years without a housekeeper to look after them. Besides I don't want another woman in our house, you might get ideas."

Jimmy was horrified at the mere thought of such a thing. He looked at her with a serious expression and said, "Ruby, I could never look at another woman. Why would I even want to when I got you?"

Again, the sweet, warm emotion filled her. Tears filled her eyes again. "You big goofus, Jimmy, I was joking. I made a joke. If there is one thing I am real certain of it's that I love you and you love me." She smiled up at her man. She exulted because she knew Jimmy Ray Haggard was her man, no matter what. Inside, she reveled in the knowledge, that for the first time in her life, she belonged to another. She was his and he was hers, lock stock and barrel. She savored the revelation as she puckered up her lips and waited.

Jimmy bent down and kissed her with an intensity that surprised him and her. "God Jimmy, you got to be the best kisser in the world. Who you been practicin' on?" A feeling of playfulness came over her. She squeezed his cock and giggled, as he got hard.

"Oh lordy, I got to get to work. The receptionist saw me like this yesterday and the day before and I don't like nobody else seeing me like this but you, honey. It just ain't right."

"Shoo, you go and get your butt to work." She smiled with deep joy at him. At the same time she felt a pang of jealousy another woman saw his hard on, even through his pants.

Jimmy rushed out the door. She decided she would make sure he never went to work hard again. The thought made her happy. She hummed an old hymn as she started to clear the table. Her long unused but still rich and vibrant voice filled the room with song.

There had never much to sing about after Bob made her into a whore. She was positive the rotten son of a bitch planned it for a long time. He had been so slick about it she never realized how it was probably in the back of his mind for months before he eased her into it.

She spat and wiped the back of her hand across her mouth in anger as if the mere thought of him gave her a bad taste. Ruby swore Jimmy would never know how she had been degraded before she met him. To Jimmy she was a young widow and that was all there was to it. No matter what, from then on she would be just what he thought she was, a young widow who loved him dearly.

Ruby realized that except for the absence of a marriage license the rest was pretty much true. Bob had died in jail fighting another prisoner, albeit over some pretty boy hot check passer. She also knew she did love Jimmy more and more with each passing day...

That evening, Jimmy was later than usual when he came home from work. She could depend on him to walk in the door right at fifteen minutes past six o'clock. There was never more than a couple of minute's variation one way or the other. This time it was almost seven thirty before he entered the house with a mysterious grin on his face. He had a bundle of magazines and a box of chocolates.

"I'm late," he told her. The grin on Jimmy's face told her he had been up to something.

"Well I can see that." Ruby rubbed her nose against his bicep and smiled back at him. "You have a flat?" she asked him as she puckered up for a kiss.

He puckered his lips and gave her a little lip smacker. He smiled his gentle "Ruby smile" that he reserved only for her and kissed her again. "Naw, I wanted to stop at the big news stand down town and pick up some stuff about remodeling." He dropped the magazines on the dining table and handed her the box of chocolates.

She held up a cautioning hand, "Honey, with our baby growing inside me I better not eat too much candy. We have to make sure he has proper food." She kissed him and continued, "One time some of those government health people came through town. The lady nurse with them gave a lecture on what she called 'prenatal care.' She said there was food groups and we had to follow the charts put out by the government if we wanted healthy babies. The government knows about these things."

"Well, where do I get us some of those charts? We got to make sure we have a healthy baby." He looked at her quizzically, "You said 'he.' Do you already know what we are going to have? I thought you had to wait for the baby to get here to know."

"I just said he because I thought that's what you wanted. I better say 'it' from now on if you rather."

Although her man seemed just a simple at times, she felt down deep Jimmy was anything but simple. It seemed like he had so many different qualities stuffed down inside him. She wondered if she would ever get him sorted out all the way?

"Aw hell, I can't wait," he blurted and pulled out a small box. "Here," he said as he thrust the box toward her.

Surprised, Ruby asked, "What is it?" She could see it was a ring box. The name on the box was that of the largest jeweler's in Tulsa.

"It's a ring box," he said, all shy again. "Here, take it and open it."

She hesitated a moment before she accepted it. She already figured there was a ring in the box since it was a ring box. She closed her eyes tight as she opened the box. She decided even if it was a Woolworth's cheap brass thing that turned her finger green she would make over it and tell him how beautiful it was. She could see how important it was to him that she liked it. She opened the box, eyes still closed tight.

"Well," he urged her impatiently, "open your eyes. I won't know if you like it if you don't look at it." She started to open her eyes just a little.

Even before she opened her eyes she started to say, "It's beautiful."

Her eyes opened and all she could do was exclaim, "Oh my lord! Oh, oh, oh ... Take it back. Oh sweet heavenly Jesus, take it back right now before it gets damaged."

His look of anticipation turned to hurt as he asked in a forlorn voice, "What's the matter with it, Ruby? Don't you like it? The man said it was the most expensive engagement ring in the store. If you want, I'll take it back and you tell me what you want and I'll give it to you, I promise."

"Jimmy, it's the real thing, isn't it? This ain't no dime store jewelery, is it? Here, take it!" Her hands shook with palsied movements as she thrust it at him.

"Damn it!" He yelled at her in frustration, "What do you want? I mean it, whatever you want, if I can, I'll get it for you."

She recoiled in fear from his loud voice. The ring and box fell to the floor. He loomed over her and sent great chills of fear through her. Her arms cradled her head. "Please don't hit me, Jimmy," she whimpered. He frightened her, more than Bob ever did on the few times he struck her.

"Oh, I am so dumb and clumsy and I scared you and I'm sorry, Ruby. I'm so sorry. I would never hurt you and I would kill the man that did. Please tell me I don't scare you. Ruby, I love you and want to make you happy. Please?"

Jimmy looked for the world like a giant sad teddy bear, as he stood in front of her with his head bowed down. She had to smile at how this big, strong, gentle, sweet and sensitive man had given himself to her from the very first, even though she gave herself to him only a bit at a time, though more and more every day.

"Jimmy, you gave me a start when you raised your voice at me. You are quite ferocious, you know."

"No, I don't know," he answered in a soft, sad voice.

"Well, you are, so don't yell at me no more, please. Now I want you to take this," she looked down and suddenly saw she no longer held either the ring or the box. She had dropped it when he yelled at her. "Sweet Jesus!" she exclaimed, "Where's that ring. Oh my lord, where is that ring? We have to take it back. Oh please don't let it be damaged." She spied the box and picked it up.

Jimmy picked up the ring. "Here it is. I'm sorry you don't like it." He held it out for her to place in the box. "I wanted to get you something nice and the man at the jewelery store said any woman would like this engagement ring. Or is it you don't want to be married to me? I'll understand." His face crumpled as the sadness of possible rejection filled him. It hurt to even think she might not want him any more. The misery of his emotions contorted his face as he looked at her.

Ruby moved ever so slow as she sank to the floor in front of him and began to sob aloud. "Oh Jimmy Ray Haggard, you big galoot, I love you with all my heart and I'm not good enough for you. And that ring is too grand for me and I don't deserve it or anyone as good and nice as you." The words tumbled out of her mouth. She clasped her arms around his knees and sobbed her misery.

At last, she looked up at the panic stricken man. "Jimmy, I'm not nice enough for you and there's no way I will stand by and watch you go in debt and have to make big payments for the rest of your life on that ring. I love you too much to see you saddled with payments like that."

Jimmy was confused. He took hold of her shoulders and lifted her to her feet. "What's this about payments? I paid cash money for that ring. I don't have to make no payments for anything. I always pay cash for everything. Why are you going on about payments?"

Her heart went thud in her chest. A hollow feeling formed in the pit of her stomach. "You mean you emptied out your savings account at the bank and took a mortgage on this house? Jimmy, you shouldn't do things like that. It's not bright."

"Damn it, Ruby, don't you go reminding me I'm dumb and stupid. I know that and I don't like you to tell me. Now please stop going on about payments and loans. I just wrote out a check and paid cash. That there ring is yours free and clear."

"Oh," she said in a small voice, almost a squeak. She took a deep breath and said in a firm voice, "Well, you just have to take it back anyway. What would I do with such a ring?"

She shook her head. "I'll get my shoe on and we can just take it back and you can get me a real nice ring for ten dollars or so. That will be fine enough."

She was firm in her determination to not waste Jimmy's money. She nodded her head once in agreement with her own logic. "Honey, we have to think about the future and not throw money away. It's just ... the thing to do." She had started to say "smart."

"No, damn it," he told her. "I'll throw that ring away before I take it back. I bought you the best engagement ring in the store because that is only a little bit of how much I love you. I never told anyone before in my life I loved her, not even Mama. You are all I want out of life, you and our baby. You make my life complete. Now you either take that ring or I swear I'll throw it away."

She looked at him as if she saw him for the first time. "You really and truly mean that, don't you?" In wonder she said, "We been as close as I thought two people could be, but Jimmy I don't really know you at all."

"Nobody knows me or a damned thing about me and you are the only one who ever cared enough to try to find out." The bitterness and pain in his voice spoke volumes to her. Suddenly she had a deeper glimpse of the hurt and lonely man he was deep down inside.

"Jimmy, oh Honey, believe me when I say I am going to get to know you better than I know myself. And I bet every new thing I learn about you will be something good." She looked at the ring in its open box. "Sweetheart, if it pleases you I will wear that ring anywhere you want, even to the dog fights. It is the most beautiful ring in the whole world and I will be proud to wear it anywhere." Her voice dropped almost to a whisper, "But I still don't deserve it."