Chapter 7

Caryn drove us to a nearby steak house in silence. I know my head was spinning and I imagine that Tawney's is, too. It actually seemed like the impossible was going to be possible after all.

We were seated immediately at the restaurant. It was still kind of early. As soon as the waiter took our drink order I asked Caryn, "Can he do it?"

She shrugged and said, "If it can be done he's the one to do it. He's retired now. But he is still the most respected attorney in the state. He gets calls from all over the state, hell, all over the country, from attorneys and lawmakers asking his advice. He knows everybody."

Our drinks arrived. We waited while the waiter opened the wine and presented it. We hadn't even looked at the menu. I helped Tawney choose something I thought she would enjoy, including her very first shrimp cocktail. We made our selections and then Caryn asked Tawney what she and the Judge talked about when they were alone.

She shrugged and said, "He kind of pissed me off at first. He seemed certain that dad ... my new dad must be some kind of child molester. I felt like a criminal the way he kept cross examining me and trying to trip me up."

She turned to me and said, "It took him a while to finally get it through his head that you're more of a dad to me than Dan ever was.

"Then he wanted to know more about what I could remember of my childhood. I told him the same stuff I told you. I could see him getting more upset as I described what my life was like. It wasn't long before he understood why I was so happy when you got me out of there.

"I think he found it hard to believe that I felt nothing but resentment for those two. I had a hard time making him understand that no one in my life ever showed me any affection until you took me home that night."

Caryn was sitting back, listening quietly. I noticed that every few minutes she dabbed at the tears in her eyes. She caught me watching, smiled and said, "Sometimes I think that maybe you aren't such a bastard after all."

We placed our dinner order and I kept my mouth shut for a while. I listened to Caryn and Tawney talk, far too often about me, and as they became better acquainted I began to really think seriously about the future for the first time.

Up until just now the future seemed to stop with Amber and Dan going to prison. I have no plans for myself once that goal is accomplished. Now it's time to start thinking about what I want to be when I grow up. I'm not certain that I have the energy or the desire to start another company of my own.

I haven't thought that much about my life before I was arrested, not for years. Or at least I haven't thought about my work life and the company I lost. I enjoyed my work back then. I was full of piss and vinegar and had ideas floating around in my head almost out of control. I don't have that enthusiasm anymore. I don't know if I can get it back. I don't know if I want it back.

Tawney was skeptical when her appetizer arrived and she sat staring down at those six shrimp. She never saw shrimp before. She's heard of them. She knows what they are. Or at least she knows where they come from and she knows that people eat them. But until hers were delivered by our waiter she didn't know what a shrimp looks like and she wasn't sure how appetizing her appetizer is.

I pointed out that she has loved everything I've recommended so far. So, reluctantly, she picked up one of the shrimp, dipped it into the sauce and took a small bite. I don't think she actually got enough in her mouth to taste it. But it wasn't disgusting so she took a bigger bite and I watched her skeptical frown turn into a pleasant smile when she realized that she likes it.

We enjoyed a long, leisurely meal and a lot of pleasant conversation. Caryn and I had a lot of catching up to do and Tawney was fascinated by what she heard about our childhood together. She had a lot of questions about that. She couldn't understand why the two of us have never been on a date. Neither of us was able to provide her with a reasonable explanation. There doesn't seem to be one.

I tried to take care of the check when it came but Caryn threw a fit, insisting that she invited us out to dinner and she was damn well going to pay the check! So I let her.

She drove us home then and I invited her in for coffee. Tawney took her upstairs to show off her new bedroom and all the things that I bought for her recently while I put the coffee on.

The evening had turned unusually cool so I lit a fire in the fireplace. Caryn came back down and we sat by the fire and talked quietly. We had begun to get comfortable with each other again. It wasn't long before Caryn, probably thinking about the things Tawney said earlier asked, "How come we never went out together?"

I didn't really know how to answer that. I started to speak, deciding what to say as I spoke. "I thought about you a lot when I was locked up. I'm embarrassed to admit that I thought about you more than I thought about my fiancée. I asked myself why we never dated. Some of the possibilities I came up with were that I was afraid you would say no if I asked you out and that would put a damper on our friendship. You were my best friend and I didn't want to screw it up. Or I just didn't have the nerve to ask.

"I remember being jealous of the boys you went out with. I remember wondering if you ever thought about me that way when I was a kid. I guess the simple answer is that I was too stupid to ask you out."

We were quiet for a minute or two. Then I asked, "Would you have said yes if I asked?"

She chuckled, shook her head and replied, "I don't know. I remember being very confused about my feelings for you. I liked you more than any of the other guys. But you were my boy friend, not my boyfriend. I liked that. I always felt comfortable with you. I could talk about anything with you. I didn't have to worry about how I looked or what I said. I'm not sure I could have given that up.

"But I felt the same way you did about you dating other girls. I remember being furious with you when you were head over heels in love with Sharon Straub. If you ever heard the things I called her behind your back while you were singing her praises you wouldn't be sitting here talking to me now."

We were sitting on the floor near the fire. She was leaning back against the side of the sofa. I was sitting cross-legged facing the fire. I got up and poured us each another cup of coffee. After I sat back down I asked, "What about now? Would it make you uncomfortable if I asked you out now? I'm an ex-con with a daughter now. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that! But god, she makes me so happy. And her love is so special, so unconditional. I feel myself changing since she came to live with me. I'm losing my edge.

"I suppose that on paper I'm not what you might call a hot prospect. But now that I have found you again I ... I'm not sure I can describe it. When I saw you in that exam room today the excitement I felt was incredible. And then I saw your face when my past flashed before your eyes. I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole.

"I can't begin to explain what I was thinking or feeling before you came to my door this afternoon. I kept telling myself that you only reacted as I would have expected anyone to react under those circumstances. I am, after all, a convicted rapist. But it hurt so much more because it was you. God it hurt! I felt like I was having a heart attack all afternoon."

Caryn got up on her knees and came over to kneel in front of me. There were tears in her eyes, running down her cheeks and leaving two damp spots on her blouse. She was obviously trying to think of something to say, some way to apologize for hurting me. But it wasn't her fault.

I straightened out my legs and pulled her down into my lap. I hugged her, held her close and kissed her soft, fragrant hair. I said, "Don't do this to yourself, Caryn. I told you. I understand. You didn't do anything wrong. You reacted to what you knew to be true about me. You had every right to react the way you did given what you knew."

She was sobbing quietly now. She looked up and held my face in her hands. She touched her lips to mine and kissed me softly. Then she wrapped her arms around my neck and through her tears she exclaimed emotionally, "NO! I should have known! I should have at least given you a chance to explain. I knew you better than everyone else. You were my best friend. I should have known that you couldn't have done what that bitch said you did."

"I mean it, Caryn. Don't do this to yourself. I don't blame you. You can't blame yourself. And anyway, you just kissed me. That made everything alright."

She was still crying quietly, or at least her eyes were still filled with tears. But she grinned a lopsided grin and asked, "Are you really that easy?!"

"When it comes to you I guess I am. And not to put a lot of pressure on you, but you didn't answer the question. What do you think you might say if some used up old ex-con asked you out?"

Her head was resting on my shoulder now. She tilted her face up and kissed my cheek. Then she said, "I'd say no. But if you ask me out I'll jump at the chance."

"How do you feel about threesomes?"

She cocked her eyebrow at me questioningly.

"I have a teenage daughter now."

From near the top of the stairs a quiet voice said, "I'm too young to date. But you will have a curfew."

Caryn laughed and said, "Isn't she precious?"

"Yes. But be careful. You wouldn't want her to hear you say it. She has a big enough head now."

Tawney asked, "Is everyone decent? I was coming down for a glass of ice water. But if you two are acting like adults I can wait."

"I'm not that easy, you brat! It's going to take her a while to get into my pants! Come on down."

Caryn straightened up. But she didn't move out of my lap. Tawney stopped on her way past the living room and looked in. She smiled and said, "It looks like a scene from a romantic movie!"

I glanced at the mantle clock. I was surprised that it was still so early. It isn't even nine o'clock yet! It has been a very eventful day. It feels like it's much later than it is.

I invited Tawney to join us for a little while but she shook her head and said, "No thanks. You guys look like you need to be alone. And I've discovered a whole new world of porn out there. The internet is fantastic!"

She darted in and bent down to kiss me goodnight. She said, "Don't stay up too late. I love you."

She thanked Caryn for dinner and for getting the Judge involved. Then she got her water and went to bed.

Caryn waited until she was upstairs to ask, "Do you suppose she was kidding about the porn?"

I laughed and nodded. "She pulled that on me before. She saw some porn when she first started exploring the internet and wasn't impressed. I trust her. I'm more worried about the ideas that I've planted in her head. I've talked to her about the things I've done to torment her mother and she claims to be unaffected. But now that I've had time to think about it I have a lot of regrets."

"I wouldn't worry too much. I think she's remarkable. She's the most mature and well adjusted twelve year old girl that I think I've ever encountered."

"I feel the same way. I was terrified when I first brought her home with me. I know nothing about kids. But I had to get her out of that house. It turned out to be the greatest thing I've ever done. She has changed my life."

As we talked she kind of oozed back into my arms. Before long we were all wrapped up together on the plush carpet and I started getting nervous. I found myself wanting to kiss her and caress her but I was afraid of how she might react.

You might think that's silly. She moved into my arms. She kissed me and held me in her arms. But we have so much platonic history between us. And I can still see her face in that exam room this morning when she entered the room and recognized Paul Cable, rapist.

I want Caryn very much. But I don't want to screw this up and I'm afraid of rushing things. We haven't seen each other in eighteen years. And for fourteen of those years I've been locked up in a totally male, violent, extremely dangerous environment. It's hard for a man to know what's in a woman's mind under the best of circumstances. I was lost.

I cradled her warm, sensuous body in my arms as all those mixed up fears and insecurities turned my brain to mush. Maybe that mush was why I somehow found the nerve to gently tilt her face up, slowly lean down and touch my lips to hers. It was a very tentative kiss, at first. Our lips touched and my heart nearly stopped when I realized that she was holding me a little tighter and returning my kiss.

We kissed like that for a very long time and the kiss began to slowly grow more passionate. I felt her lips begin to part and our tongues met for the first time. I suddenly felt free to feel love for Caryn. And I did. It was like I've been holding back, hiding what I feel for her all these years. And now I'm free to love her.

The kiss went on and on and my hands began to move. My left hand supported her head while my right hand moved over her back, caressing lovingly but careful not to stray too far.

We both began to moan quietly. That kiss stretched on and on and neither of us was anxious for it to end. My hand moved up to smooth her hair down and caress her cheek and then her neck. I didn't have the nerve to go any farther and she must have known it. So she made the next move, grasping my wrist and slowly moving my hand down over her breast.

For just a moment I flashed back to raping Amber last week. I regretted it even more deeply now. This should have been my first time with a woman after all those years of enforced celibacy. It should have been with Caryn. It should have been an act of love, not hate.

The regrets and the doubts that were flashing through my brain didn't end there. Caryn has been divorced for more than ten years. She might not be using birth control and I don't have any condoms. And if we take this to the next step now, how will she feel later? Is it too soon? Will she have regrets? Will she think I'm taking advantage of her?

As if she could read my mind she took her lips from mine and smiled up at me. Our eyes met and she said, "I'm supposed to be the one with reservations."

Her hand came up and touched my face. She exclaimed, "You're blushing!"

That didn't help.

She placed her hand over mine and held it against her breast. She quietly asked, "Do you want to wait? Are you not sure? Or is it me?"

"No! No to all of those questions! But..."

I continued to blush but I managed to tell her everything that was worrying me. She smiled again and addressed each of my concerns so calmly that it embarrassed me even more.

"I am not using birth control. But my period just ended. I don't place a lot of faith in the rhythm method. But it's only been two days. I feel pretty safe on that count. I hate condoms. I hate the idea of them.

"I have regrets, Paul. Everyone has regrets. This won't be one of them. My only regret is that we didn't do this twenty years ago.

"And if anyone is taking advantage of someone here ... I believe I got the ball rolling. I'm using you, Paul. And my conscience is clear. It's sweet that you even care. But I would have expected that from you. You have always cared about me."

I stared into her beautiful eyes and whispered, "Let's go upstairs. We wouldn't want to get interrupted by a thirsty little girl again."

I helped her up and led her to my bedroom. The bedroom door closed behind us and suddenly I was terrified. In recent years I've faced and backed down some of the most violent, fearsome men that our prison systems have produced and thought nothing of it.

Now I'm alone with a petite, extremely attractive woman who obviously wants me or she wouldn't be with me in my bedroom right now. It was terrifying!

She pressed her sexy body against me and put her arms around my waist. She smiled up at me and said, "Paul, relax. Don't over think it. Just make love to me."

It sounded like very good advice and her light bantering tone was just what I needed to hear. I was still nervous. But it helped that she seemed calm and that she obviously wants this as much as I do.

As we kissed I began to slowly undress her. I think that I've forgotten how exciting it is to undress a sexy woman with whom you're in love. She must have forgotten how exciting it is to be undressed. As her clothing disappeared her kisses became more and more passionate.

When she was naked I picked her up and placed her on my bed. I stepped back to undress and looked down at her beautiful body, seeing her naked for the first time. It took my breath away to see her lying there that way, smiling as she watched me undress.

When I was nearly naked she whispered, "I can't believe it's finally going to happen. Don't you get the feeling that we were supposed to be together all along?"

To be perfectly honest, that isn't what I was thinking. But as soon as she said it I thought she might be right. I don't believe in god or fate or preordination. But somehow it seems like we're being given a second chance to discover what we should have discovered twenty years ago. Maybe we do belong together.

I slid my jockey shorts off and her eyes got wide for a moment. Her smile grew and she breathlessly exclaimed, "Oh my! I had no idea! We should have played doctor a long time ago!"

I stretched out beside her on the bed and took her back into my arms. We kissed and touched and teased until neither of us could take it any longer. She began to plead with me to stop teasing her. I was tempted to draw it out a little longer. I wanted her more than I have ever wanted another woman. But what I was feeling at that moment was so special. I never wanted it to end. I consoled myself with the thought that there will be many more opportunities to hold this special woman in my arms and show her how much I love her.

I moved up over her. She eagerly wrapped her small fingers around my hard cock and quickly guided it to her very wet opening. I slowly entered her, stopping when the head of my cock was just inside.

She gasped and cried out, "NO! Don't stop! Oh my god! Paul, oh Paul! It feels so wonderful!"

And it did. Her tight little pussy clamped down on me like a fist and I felt the heat from her body. I slowly eased more and more of my hard cock into her while she wrapped her arms around me and pulled with all of her might, trying to get more until at last our pubic bones were pressed tightly together.

She sighed loudly and in a voice choked with emotion she exclaimed, "Oh Paul! I never dreamed it could feel like this! You're magnificent!"

I nuzzled her neck and whispered, "No ... WE are magnificent!"

I've never been with a virgin. I actually haven't been with very many women at all. But I think I know now what it must feel like to penetrate a virgin. I've never experienced a vagina that was so tight and clasping, so intensely hot before. I had to stop for a moment and force myself to calm down or this was going to be the quickest fuck in history!

We stayed locked together like that for a couple of minutes, all the while kissing and whispering silly, loving, romantic things to each other. When I finally felt a little more composed I began to slowly stroke my cock in and out of her remarkable little sex organ.