Chapter 4

She finally let me go and got in the car. I went around and got in. While I was putting my seatbelt on she said, "Paul, I really don't need anything. Let's just go home."

I ignored her. I drove to a little Italian restaurant that I discovered nearby shortly after I got out of prison. The food is excellent and since the lunch hour rush is over I hoped it wouldn't be too crowded. I pulled up and parked in the parking lot around the side. I got out and went around to open the door for her. She was too quick for me.

I locked the car and took her hand to lead the way to the restaurant. When she realized where we were going she whispered, "Paul, I've never been to a restaurant. I don't know what to do."

I squeezed her hand and replied, "It's simple. You relax. You enjoy being waited on. You order something to eat that you think you might enjoy. And then you sit there and we talk and get to know each other a little better."

She wasn't convinced. "I don't know what I like. I've never had a chance to try things."

"Well then this is your chance, your first of many. There are some things that almost everyone likes. We can start with those. If you don't like them, no big deal. You will at least have learned that you don't like something. It's a place to start."

We went in and sat down. We ordered drinks. After the waiter left she smiled and said, "It certainly smells good!"

"Have you ever had pizza?"

"Sometimes we have frozen pizza from the grocery store. I've never had it in a restaurant."

"The first two things you should try are a good pizza and lasagna. Those things and a good steak are the things I missed most while I was locked up."

"I don't know what lasagna is. I've heard of it. But I've never seen it."

"It's like a cheesy Italian casserole. Why don't we start with that? Then tonight we can have a nice thick steak. I bet you've never had one of those either."

"I had cube steak a couple of times."

I shook my head and said, "That isn't even really food!"

The waiter brought our drinks and some spiced olive oil and fresh baked bread. I tried to find out more about her, her likes and dislikes, the way she was raised, that sort of thing.

It was infuriating. She has experienced so little that she doesn't know what she likes. So far her favorite food is meatloaf. The only other meats she has eaten are hot dogs and cube steak!

She doesn't have any music of her own. They have a radio and she was allowed to listen to it. But she wasn't permitted to change the station. She has no CDs and no CD player and hasn't been exposed to much of the music her peers listen to.

I have mixed feelings about that since I don't like being exposed to the music her generation is listening to either.

They have cable television but when her parents weren't home she wasn't allowed to watch television. She has never bought anything for herself. She has never been given any money.

She has been doing almost all of the housework but never received an allowance. She was allowed to read when she had time. But only books from the public library and even her trips there were regulated.

She has a few friends at school. But she has never been allowed to see them outside of school. Except in her imagination she has never played! When her parents were home and her chores were done for the evening she was allowed to be in the room and watch television with them until nine o'clock. But they never spoke to her except to discuss chores. They never showed her any affection.

I finally had to change the subject or I was going to go across the street this evening and beat those bastards to a bloody pulp. I was so upset I couldn't eat my lunch.

Tawney, on the other hand, went crazy! I watched as she took her first tentative bite of lasagna. Her face lit up and she whispered, "Oh my god! It's like it makes your mouth happy!"

I laughed as she devoured her lunch. I warned her that her stomach has probably shrunk and she's going to get a stomach ache if she doesn't slow down. She grinned and said, "I don't care! It'll be worth it!"

She ate like that until her plate looked like it had been washed. She sat back when her food was gone and smiled at me. Then she saw the look on my face and frowned.

"What's wrong?!"

I shook my head. I didn't trust myself to speak. I was on the verge of making a big fool of myself. She's such a nice young girl. To live the way she's been forced to live while her parents lived in the lap of luxury far above their ability to maintain, I'll never understand it. How could they live with this little girl and not love her?!

I paid for our lunch and we walked around for a few minutes. I stopped at a drug store and bought some antacids. I'm pretty sure she's going to need them. Then I drove to a nearby mall. I made the mistake of selecting one of those village type malls that are springing up all over the place. The stores are laid out in streets like small towns.

It was a warm, sunny day and I thought it would be the perfect place to shop. I didn't think about all of the time I was going to spend carrying bags of clothing and goodies as I made a running start at making up to Tawney for the way she has been forced to live all these years.

Poor Tawney didn't know how to react. She was excited and she couldn't hide it. But at the same time she felt guilty that I was spending so much money on her. She was embarrassed, probably because her parents spent a lifetime putting her down, making her feel unworthy. She must have said "thank you" a hundred times before I finally told her that she isn't allowed to use that phrase for the rest of the day.

We went to nearly half the stores in that little village. I bought her so many outfits at two of the boutiques that specialize in clothing for girls her age that we had to leave them there and come back later with the car to pick them up.

We made half a dozen trips back to my SUV to put bags in the back. Once we finished shopping for clothes I bought her an armful of books, hopefully a start to her own book collection. It pleased me to learn that she loves to read. It was her only escape from reality while she was living with her parents. I hope that she'll continue to enjoy reading.

She constantly amazed me with her intelligence and her maturity. I found that I don't have to worry around her just because I don't know anything about kids. I was able to relate to her just as I would to anyone else. I began to relax and just enjoy her happiness, her warm sense of humor and that brilliant smile.

It took us hours. We bought her everything that I thought a girl her age might need except for those things that we'll need to go to an electronics store to pick up.

The back of my SUV was full and the back seat had just about reached full capacity by the time we called it a day. On the way home I told her that we would pick up a few more things tomorrow. She needs a cell phone and an iPod. I intend to get her a computer of her own and a television for her room.

She continued to insist that I stop spending money on her. She doesn't have a chance of stopping me. I'm having a ball! Every time I saw her face light up it was like Christmas for me. And I've missed a lot of Christmases.

We got home at a little after five. We were both exhausted. We didn't unload the car right away. There was something that we had to do first. I had purchased a tiny thong bikini for Amber and an equally revealing Speedo for Dan. I printed out a note ordering Amber to mow the front and side lawns in her new bathing suit. When she finishes, Dan is to do the backyard in his while she washes her car in the driveway.

I also picked up a new slut outfit for Amber. It was on sale because every other woman in town evidently has too much pride to wear it. The note commanded Amber to wear the tiny skirt and low cut blouse to work tomorrow. She was not to wear any underwear at all.

Dan was ordered to dress in his normal clothing when he goes to work tomorrow. But he's to wear a pair of Amber's panties instead of his underwear.

We took the two suits and the outfit for Amber across the street and left them where they would find them. I checked to make sure that Dan wouldn't have any privacy in his backyard. I didn't want Amber to have all the fun. Then Tawney and I returned to our house and began unloading the car.

We were exhausted by the time we finished. I suggested that she put her new clothes away after dinner. Instead, we put our swimsuits on and relaxed in the pool for a while. I was too tired to swim laps. Shopping takes a lot out of a guy. But Tawney was so excited she couldn't relax.

I heard a lawnmower running at around six thirty. We went inside and peeked out through the dining room window. There was Amber, mowing the lawn in her flesh colored string bikini. From our window she looked naked. Even from this distance I was able to see how red her face is. It contrasted nicely with her snow white butt and the large white areas of her breasts that have never seen the light of day before. Her new bikini doesn't cover much more than her nipples and the cleft between her legs.

It probably didn't make her feel any better that she was attracting an audience. One of her neighbors was standing out in his driveway watching in disbelief. And three teenage boys on bicycles had stopped in the street to watch.

Amber tried to ignore them. She kept her head down and followed the lawnmower around the front yard. Every time she turned and pushed in the other direction I could see the muscles in her tight little butt tense up with each step. It was worth every cent I paid for those little scraps of cloth she was wearing.

We watched her for a few minutes. Then we went back out to my patio. I lit the grille and we sat at a table under an awning while it warmed up. After a few comments about the spectacle that Amber was making of herself I took Tawney's hands in mine and got serious.

She sensed that I had something important to say and waited patiently. The problem is that I've been thinking all day that we need to have this conversation but I still don't know how to say what I need to say. Sex is such a confusing subject in the best of times and this is not one of those.

I cleared my throat and was about to speak when she started to grin. She said, "I know what this is going to be about. You're blushing!"

I was. I couldn't help it. But I don't think I can let the events of last night and this afternoon in the bar pass without saying something. I don't know what to say or where to start. But I know that I have to say something.

"Tawney, sweetheart, I can't believe I'm in this position. You're a very intelligent young woman. You have really impressed me. But after the really bad things I've done in front of you, or caused to be done in front of you, I think we need to talk.

"I now regret very much that I didn't put my foot down last night and send you to your room. And I'm sorry that I let you go with me to that bar today. Those things you saw are things that no twelve year old girl should ever see.

"I know what you're thinking. Amber had it coming. And I agree. Obviously I agree since those things were my idea. But the things young people see when they're your age can affect them in ways we don't understand.

"What you saw in your living room last night and in the bar, we don't know how that will affect you later when you become sexually active. We can't control the things that excite us and I have no idea how the things you saw might affect your fantasies when you're sixteen or twenty-one. I'm really worried that I may have harmed you in ways that neither one of us understands.

"I don't want you thinking somewhere in the back of your warped little teenage mind that the things you've seen were acceptable behavior. No one should ever treat a woman the way I treated Amber. Not a normal woman anyway. Since Amber isn't really human I don't include her in that. What scares me is that you might lie in bed at night and think about the things you saw and think it was sexy, that it was exciting, that it was sexual.

"It wasn't sex. It was rape. It was assault. It was meant to humiliate and denigrate her. I'm really worried about how I might have harmed you with the images I've planted in your mind and I am deeply sorry that I didn't put more thought into my actions."

She listened quietly until I wound down. Then she thought about what I said for a while. Finally she grinned and said, "You're kind of cute for an old guy."

Before I could think of some way to defend myself against that charge she said, "I understand what you're saying. I admit that I don't know that much about sex. But you don't have to worry that I mistook what has happened to Amber for sex.

"I know why you did what you did. I promise you, there's nothing you can do to her that's so bad that I might think you're going too far. I'll admit that it was exciting to watch it when it was happening to her. But I would certainly never want any of those things to happen to me, if that's what you're worried about."

"I'm worried because these are formative years for you and we don't know how you will be affected by what you saw. I'm worried because you've apparently never known love and never witnessed two people in a healthy, loving relationship. It's obvious to me that Amber and Dan don't love anyone but themselves. They don't even love each other!

"They're the two coldest, most self centered people that I've ever met outside of a prison. They're perfect for each other I suppose. But you need to realize that they aren't normal."

She replied, "I've always known that my life isn't like anyone else's. I have girlfriends at school who I talk to about stuff. I know that my life hasn't been normal. There have been a lot of nights that I cried myself to sleep wishing that there was someone that would just hold me and tell me they love me. When you held me in your lap and hugged me last night it was like a dream come true for me. You're the nicest thing that has ever happened to me.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe I shouldn't have seen the things I saw last night and today. But I got a lot of satisfaction from it.

"I never thought of getting even with them. But when I saw you taking your revenge I have to admit, it felt good. I liked seeing that bitch suffer. You took her power away. You took Dan's power away. And you're the first person in my life who has been nice to me. I know you're worried. And I think I understand why. But I don't think I'm going to have a problem sorting this out. So why don't you relax and stop being so hard on yourself.

"And since we're being serious, can I ask you something else?"

I nodded. I was impressed once more by how intelligent, how clear headed she is. I really like this kid!

"I know you don't think you'd make a good father, or that you would be comfortable with having me around. But I like you. I like you a lot. I'd really like to stay with you if I can. I promise that I'll be the best kid you could ever imagine. I'll clean your house and do the yard work. I'm used to doing that. I don't mind."

I held my finger up to her lips to stop her before she made any more promises I had no intention of making her keep. When she ran down I said, "I have to admit that I am quickly growing very fond of you. You aren't nearly as scary as I thought you'd be."

I saw that she was getting excited so I hurriedly threw a little cold water on her.

"Keep in mind that we haven't even spent twenty-four hours together yet. I still know nothing about young girls. And even if I do start to think that it might be kind of nice to have you around, it's extremely unlikely that a single man just released from prison is going to be able to convince a family court judge or some officious little bureaucrat at Social Services that it's in your best interests to give him custody of a young girl just entering her teen years."

There were tears in her eyes when she asked, "Would it be okay if I gave you a hug for even thinking about it?"

I got up and went around the table. I helped her to her feet and held her in my arms. The feeling of warmth, the desire to protect this poor girl was almost overwhelming. More than ever I wanted to kick myself in the ass for the things I exposed her to from the time I went to her house yesterday evening.

I squeezed her tight and kissed her cheek. I said, "You never have to ask for a hug from me, Tawney."

We stood like that for a long time. I felt her shaking gently as she cried in my arms. It was breaking my heart. She's so starved for affection. Her entire life has been spent as a possession, a slave girl. She has never played! I'm really going to have to keep a tight grip on my temper when I next come into contact with Amber and Dan.

I finally eased her back into her chair. I bent down and kissed the top of her head and in a voice that cracked with the emotion I was feeling I said, "It's time to cook the steaks."

I hurried inside before I started crying. I got the steaks out of the refrigerator and grabbed another beer for me and a Coke for Tawney. I picked up a box of tissue on the way out and dropped them on the table along with our drinks.

I almost asked her how she wants her steak. But it occurred to me that she won't have any idea. I like mine rare. But knowing that most people prefer medium I prepared hers that way. I went back inside for plates and flatware and the little bit of potato salad that remained from earlier in the week.

When I came back out she said, "Please let me help you. I'm not used to having people do things for me. It makes me uncomfortable."

"You can help later. Today you get waited on. Learn to like it."

I flipped the steaks and stood waiting for them to be ready. She came over and stood beside me. She put her arms around my waist from behind and exclaimed, "I've never smelled anything that smelled so good in my life!"

I reached back and pulled her out from behind me. I put my arm around her shoulder and said, "Wait until you taste it! I made yours medium rare. I prefer rare but most people go for medium. I'll give you a taste of mine and you can decide how you like yours for next time. But I'm warning you right now, I refuse to cook a steak to death. People who order their steaks well done are abusing the word 'well' and have never actually tasted a steak. They shouldn't be allowed to eat them."

As it turned out she couldn't taste the difference between our steaks. She loved them both. She's nearly thirteen years old and today she tasted lasagna and steak for the first time. Now THAT is child abuse!

After we ate she helped me clean off the table. We carried everything inside and she watched me load the dishwasher. When I was finished she said, "I always wash the dishes. Our dishwasher has never been used."

We went upstairs and split up to take showers. We changed into something comfortable and met in my computer room. I looked out through my window. Dan was finished mowing the backyard now. He was just putting the mower in the garage.

Amber was still washing her car in her invisible bikini. The teenage boys were sitting out by the street, leaning against a big old tree and watching her every move. She looked furious, even from the back! But she studiously ignored the boys.

It seemed like there were an unusual number of people, men by themselves and couples, too, who were walking slowly by on the sidewalk while she worked. She finished while I was watching and quickly put everything away. She pulled her car into the garage and disappeared inside.

Tawney caught the last couple of minutes of the show. I told her that I was going to listen to more of the recordings to make sure that Amber and Dan aren't making plans I needed to know about for my own protection.

I remembered her reaction to some of the awful things they said last night and I asked her if she thought she could handle it. I made it very clear that I thought she might better go watch television.

She insisted that she wanted to hear what they have to say.

I looked into her eyes. She saw my reluctance and said, "Really, Paul. I need to hear what they say about me."

"Why? Why do you want to suffer more than necessary?"

She shrugged and said, "I'm not sure. When you're done with them I'll never see them again. Maybe I want to put a nice solid wall between us. I want to make sure that there's never any doubt someday down the road. There should never come a time when I wonder if maybe I misjudged them. I should never think that maybe they were human and I just didn't give them a chance."

I didn't necessarily agree but I was impressed with the amount of thought she must have put into this before coming to a conclusion. I couldn't believe I was hearing such wisdom from a twelve year old. I shook my head and said, "I think you're setting yourself up for unnecessary heartaches. But we can see how it goes. If it makes you too uncomfortable you can always get up and leave."

I pulled out all three disks and replaced them. Then I pulled her into my lap. She sat with her back to me. I put my arms around her and we sat back to listen to the disk from the living room.

Tawney leaned her head back on my shoulder and placed her hands over mine on her stomach as though she was afraid I would let go. In a quiet voice she said, "I don't think I ever really realized how wonderful it is to have someone nice, someone I really like, hold me in his arms. I feel so safe. I feel so ... I feel like I'm not alone anymore."

I felt my heart swelling with feelings for this little girl. I was becoming more convinced that maybe the best place for her is with me after all. In the few years of adolescence that remain to her I could give her the childhood she never had. I could show her love and give her a future. I could make up in some small way for the terrible life she has lived.

I've been deprived of love and affection for as long as she has. That may have something to do with how quickly I'm becoming emotionally attached to this charming young girl.

I finally forced myself to pay attention to the sounds from the disk. There were a few brief exchanges between Amber and Dan from this morning. They snapped at each other as Amber was getting ready to leave for work. They had obviously been fighting. But we didn't learn anything.

It was more amusing when they came home and discovered that they had homework and that outfits had been provided. Amber came in and discovered them first. She screamed wordlessly and then she could be heard swearing like a sailor and throwing things around the room.

Dan got home soon afterwards. He loudly proclaimed that I could just go to hell. He absolutely refused to wear the Speedo or be told that he would have to mow his own backyard.

Amber exclaimed, "You stupid fuck! Of course you will! Until we take care of that son of a bitch we have to do whatever he wants. Or do you want to go to prison for the rest of your fucking life?!"

Dan mumbled something the bug didn't pick up and Amber screamed, "DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA WHAT I HAD TO GO THROUGH TODAY?! I can pretty much guarantee that I had a worse fucking day than you have ever had! I went to a fucking bar full of dirty old men and was gang raped on a table. That was my lunch hour! Three men fucked my ass today you son of a bitch!

"And now I'm going to mow our front yard in ... in that! I might as well be fucking naked! I don't want to hear you complain about having to wear a fucking pair of panties!

"And don't tell me you aren't going to wear a fucking Speedo for Christ's sake! I'm going to be as good as naked! And look at that! Look at what I have to wear to work tomorrow! FUCK!!"

Dan said nothing else about the order that he wear Amber's panties tomorrow.

The recorder went dead for several minutes. They had gone upstairs to change. When they returned and the recorder came back on they were discussing how to get another gun that couldn't be traced to them and they were discussing the pros and cons of killing their daughter. They've apparently already decided that it will be necessary. They're only concerned now with explaining her absence to anyone who might notice she's gone.

They discussed it so unemotionally. It made me shake with rage. Those two people are not quite right in the head. I found myself wanting once more to go across the street and put an end to this. I want to destroy them. I wanted to make them suffer. But the desire to beat them to a bloody pulp before I can accomplish that is almost irresistible.

I squeezed Tawney a little tighter and asked, "Are you okay? Are you sure you don't want to go watch television now?"

She sighed and said, "No. I'm okay. I've been thinking it over and I realized that the things they say don't really matter. I mean, what the hell, I never really loved them, either. I just never realized it until now. I've been going through life just taking everything as it came, accepting everything as just how things work in my world.

"I can't remember ever feeling love for either of them. I had a need to be loved. But they certainly never filled that void in my life. It's as if up until yesterday I knew something was missing in my life but I wasn't sure what it was or where to find it."

She gripped my arms, pulled them tighter around her midsection and said, "Now I know what was missing and I think I've finally found it."

I kissed the back of her head and said, "Maybe you have. But if that's true, why do you need to hear this?"

"I'm not sure. Because it makes us a team?"

"We can be a team without you listening to your psychotic parents plot our deaths."

She stubbornly refused to listen to reason. So I sat up and put the disk from the bedroom in the computer. It started with the argument from last night. I couldn't call it a conversation. They growled and snapped at each other like partially domesticated dogs.

They argued and plotted and argued some more until long into the night. Almost half of it was her telling him what a wimp he was because he let me rape her while he stood right there watching.

There wasn't much time in between their arguing for any substantive plotting. They made several attempts to calm down and try to figure out how to go about finding out where I live and the identity of the detective who will also have to be killed. But each time they got down to serious plotting their discussion quickly devolved into another shouting match.

They went on like that until they finally shut up and went to sleep. You could almost hear them, lying there in the dark and steaming, furious with each other. It did my heart good.

I gathered from their conversation that they assumed I had parked my car at the end of the block and walked to their house yesterday evening. They still have no idea that I live across the street from them.

There was very little conversation in the morning. Dan didn't get up when Amber did. She got up, showered and dressed with hardly a word. The only thing she said when she left him in bed to go downstairs was, "I'm taking the gun."

There were a few sounds later when Dan got up and got ready for work. But the two of them didn't speak to each other again until they came home and discovered the presents that I left for them.

I fast forwarded a lot of the mindless tirades recorded on the disks. Listening to them is quite a chore and it leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. When we finished I carefully labeled the disks and put them in cases. Then we went downstairs and watched a movie.

As it turns out, Tawney wasn't allowed to see many movies either. I let her pick one and we got comfortable on the couch. I sat on one end with my feet up on the coffee table and she cuddled up in my arms.

I knew that it was worse for her. But to some degree we both suffered from the same thing. We were both starved for affection. But she has suffered from it for her entire life. I can't even imagine what it must be like to grow up without love. I can make it up to her, up to a point. But she still needs a woman in her life, a good woman to guide her and advise her.

Tawney isn't alone in that respect. I still need a woman in my life. It's wonderful having this fantastic young girl to love and spoil. But I also need a woman in my life. I need romance. I need an adult relationship.

I tried not to dwell on it. But I couldn't help being nervous when I thought about it. I didn't know if any woman in her right mind would want me now. But I miss the idea of being in love. I miss that warm feeling you get from holding a woman in your arms, looking into her eyes and seeing that your feelings for her are returned. I don't want to live my life without a partner, without passion.

Unfortunately, the search for love will have to wait until this business with Amber and Dan is taken care of.

I experienced a sudden moment of clarity then. My life is still on hold because of those two. I can't move on until they're no longer the focus of my life. The smart thing for me to do would be to take everything I have to the cops tomorrow and let them handle it. But I can't do that. The need to pay them back first is eating me alive. It's a fire burning in my gut. I have to put it out before I can move on.