Chapter 5: I'm The Man On Your Scene

I felt bad for the local cops; somebody blew up a house in their jurisdiction and they arrive at the scene only to find it blocked off by an armada of government SUVs.

"It wasn't me," I repeated when the police chief managed to worm his way through to the only potential witness.

"Stop saying that!" Morgan's voice pitched much higher than normal.

Alexx and April escorted the chief behind the SUVs. Diana was off to the side watching Marshal James and his people. I got the feeling they had not gotten an invitation to the after-party. I heard Agent Jessica Canin's heels so I turned towards her.

"It wasn't me," I told her.

"Tavi!" Morgan yelled.

"And you better make sure your mom understands that, Morgan," I said. "I did not blow up all the fantastic clothing your mom bought you. I mean seriously, I was heavily invested in your lingerie and boot collections."

Agent Canin's seemed more approachable without the NSA goon squad following her. She only had one escort, and he was way too well dressed to be a federal agent. Not that he wore anything flashy but anyone familiar with Morgan's wardrobe learned to recognize perfect tailoring. Except for the clothing though, the guy would have disappeared into the background; brown hair, brown eyes, medium build, maybe five foot nine. The guy looked about as average as average could get.

Diana's head snapped around from Marshal James to Agent Canin. She walked the few steps over to place her body between Agent Canin and me.

"Are you insane?" Diana asked Agent Canin. From the looks on Alexx, April, and Morgan's face, they'd never heard that tone from Diana either.

"You of all people should understand sometimes we don't have choices," Agent Canin replied.

"The damage is refreshingly wanton," Agent Canin's companion said. Diana stared at him in what I would have said was horror if I didn't know her better. Her reaction made Alexx and April nervously touch their weapons. Marshal James bulling his way into our midst interrupted the journey the conversation might have taken.

"What the hell happened here?" he asked me.

"Marshal James," Agent Canin said. I can't tell blazing hot from sub-zero temperatures but nobody had to interpret frosty in this case.

"It wasn't me," I said anyway. "Why would I blow up my house?"

"Listen, kid..."

Whatever James planned to say, Agent Canin stopped him, "I made you an offer you refused."

"That wasn't an offer," he said. "It was murder."

"Did you not understand my offer was a bone?" she asked. "Regardless of accepting or refusing it, you were not to pursue your inquiries any further."

Regardless of Agent Canin's utterly feminine attire and perfect makeup, her punching gloves came lined with steel. With his people crowded in behind him, Marshal James couldn't back down from the challenge.

"You should get in there," I told Diana. "The only thing cooler than two federal agencies in a pissing contest is three federal agencies in a pissing contest. Although if there's going to be pissing, I'd prefer James was a chick, not that I'm into chicks pissing."

"Obviously, the local Russian mob is in the midst of a power struggle," Agent Canin's companion said. His voice was so calm I looked at James and Canin to make sure they were about to start throwing down.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Marshal James yelled at him.

"Do not use profanity in my presence," the man. "I find it discourteous."

"Who the f..."

Agent Canin's companion stopped studying the damage around us and turned his head to look at Marshal James. James and all of his people took a couple of steps back, reaching for their sidearms.

"Stop!" Agent Canin ordered. Her word had more force, having beaten the Marshals to the draw. She aimed her gun at Marshal James's head.

"This definitely wasn't me either," I announced to everyone watching the drama.

"Marshal James," Agent Canin said behind a tight smile. "You've seen the paperwork. Losing my job is where it ends if I kill you."

Agent Canin's companion took a few steps away. The other Marshals' eyes followed him. Putting his hands behind his back, the guy studied James.

Marshal James looked away from Agent Canin and studied the companion, "Who are you?"

"A contractor," the guy responded. Nobody was giving James the out he needed to extricate himself from the situation gracefully.

"Dude, you really pissed her off, didn't you?" I asked James, pointing at Agent Canin.

"Jessica," Diana said, though for some reason she looked at Agent Canin's companion. "This is an FBI matter; I'm the lead agent."

"You have a problem," he said to Diana. "Boredom has wed impulse."

"I've got it under control," she replied.

"You have less than she does." He nodded towards Agent Canin. "Significantly less."

He spun around and walked towards the line of SUVs. Without looking back at James and his Marshals, Agent Canin put her piece away and followed him.

"You people got me again," I said, "I'm kind of curious."

"Let's go," Diana told me and walked towards her SUV.

"Okay!" I skipped after her.

"So you finally banged her." Morgan walked up beside me.

"What?" Alexx and April gasped at the same time. I almost laughed at the shocked expressions on their faces.

Morgan waited until we were in the SUV before she answered, "Tavi's a lot more willing to ignore what he wants to do if the smell of a good fuck still lingers."

April and Alexx were trying to catch Diana's eyes in the rearview mirror.

"I need a change of clothes," I said.

"Do you know where Elis is?" Morgan asked.

"I have to find someone," I said. "But he should have the last details I need."

"Who?" April asked. "Where?"

I sniffed, "You ain't Japanese!"

The FBI local office took up two floors, which I had not known. The elevator didn't go to the second floor though. We had to walk through the office to the back where Diana scanned a card. A hidden door opened into a stairway.

"That's cool," I said. "I thought only the CIA had doors that looked like walls or the NSA or those black operations groups no one knows about, not even Congress and shit."

Calling the second floor an office was stretching it: a few cots in one part of the space, a weapons cage, large lockers, and an area with work benches.

"You need to change," Diana told the ladies. She pulled a locker open, pulled out a bag, and slid it towards me. I opened the bag to find a couple of sets of my preferred action clothes in the store plastic.

"The shower is through there," Diana said pointing at an open door beside the lockers.

I looked at Alexx and April before raising an eyebrow at Diana, "Are they coming?"

"Yes."

"This should not be fun," Morgan said. "Can I have a gun?"

"Absolutely not," Diana replied.

"Are they showering?" I pointed at Alexx and April.

"You're wasting time, Tavi," Morgan said.

Walking backwards through the door, I replied, "It would go faster if someone lathered me up."

"It would go faster if you shook it off," Morgan said. "It's not like dirt sticks to you."

"Water is more fun."

"Elis could be dying!" Morgan responded angrily.

"They need him now."

"What for?" Alexx asked.

"He's the only one who can tell them what's going on," I said, stripping out of the t-shirt and shorts. "Unless they want to come down and surrender to Diana."

The government had not stinted on water pressure. Morgan was right, as long as I didn't eat or drink, I wouldn't sweat or secret other liquids, so I could have shaken most of the stuff off. A shower always made me feel cleaner though, and the Russians were on a schedule so I had the extra time. The ladies were dressed for a paramilitary party when I walked out of the shower area.

"What's the plan?" Morgan asked as I put on a t-shirt and sweatshirt.

"I'm going to go very politely ask some Russians where Elis is and how trigger happy his guards are," I said. The black jeans fit too snugly. Luckily, there was a bigger size in the bag.

"And they're just going to tell you," April snickered, a little meanly I thought. "Because you're asking politely."

"People do things for me when I ask politely," I told her. "It avoids being asked impolitely."

Alexx stared at me as I finished dressing before she turned to Diana, "Is he like some secret military project? Been trained as a super soldier since the day he was born?"

"I'm ready," I said.

"Where's your gun? Guns?" April asked.

Morgan snorted in her throat.

"What?" April asked.

"This is becoming not worth it," Alexx told Diana.

"I don't believe in guns," I said.

"What?" Alexx's voice rose with annoyance. "What the fuck is there not to believe?"

"I think I agree with Jessica's boyfriend," I said. "Profanity is very impolite."

"What do you mean you don't believe in guns?" Alexx definitely crossed into the pissed-off zone.

"Actually, gun atheistic is not the proper description," I said. "Elis qualifies me as a gun apathetic-agnostic."

"It means since he finds guns useless the question of their usefulness is irrelevant," Morgan told Alexx.

Alexx walked up to me and drew her sidearm, "This is government issue MK23. It fires a .45 caliber round at nearly nine hundred feet per second. The clip holds 12 rounds. If I shoot someone, it will stop them in their tracks."

She jacked a bullet into the chamber, "What the fuck is there not to believe in?"

Obviously, Alexx was a potty mouth when angry.

I grabbed her wrist. Before she could react, I took the safety off and depressed her finger on the trigger. The bullet must have been slow enough and heavy enough not to ricochet or fragment. I could help some of it by pulling back and towards my core but not always. I looked around on the ground. Picking up the bullet, I held it out to Alexx. Her other hand extended out to me, palm up. I dropped the bullet into it.

"Now, I need another t-shirt and sweatshirt," I said, stripping out of the clothing items.

"That's impossible!" April said.

"Maybe it's the angry voice," I said to Diana. "She's always so mad and like mad at me. I haven't done anything to her. Definitely Japanese!"

April drew her gun and pointed it at me. I tilted my head to the side, "Go ahead."

She managed to look even angrier.

"Enough of this shit," Morgan yelled. She stomped over to the April and took the gun away from the redhead. Morgan walked forward until she stood two arm-lengths from me. She aimed the gun at my face and pulled the trigger. With each fired bullet, Morgan took aim at a different part of my body.

"Dick shot!" she shouted at April and emptied the last five rounds at my groin.

"Now, I have to change pants too!" I growled.

"Stop being a fucking baby," Morgan said, tossing the empty gun towards April who caught it as a reflex action.

I opened my mouth but Morgan beat me to the punch, "And don't give me any SHIT about cursing when the Russian FUCKING Mob has Elis!"

"That's..." April gave Diana a lost look.

"I think I just came," Alexx said to no one in particular. That piece of information pulled my head back and away from the bag of clothing.

"You think?" I asked.

She gave me a very intense look, "If that was an orgasm, then what was all the stuff that I felt during sex. Because this was a whole lot stronger!"

"No fucking way," April said. The clip from the gun in her hand fell to the ground. She loaded another clip in; the slide of the gun slammed forward as April walked up to me. Unlike Morgan, April spent the fifteen rounds on my face, specifically the right eye.

"Did you cum again?" I asked Alexx.

"Yes," she replied.

I looked at Diana.

"It's part of the profile," she told me.

"So you came too?" I asked April. The clip from her gun hit the ground. "The bullets are fragmenting on impact, April, but one of them could ricochet or a fragment could hit one of you."

She turned to stare at Diana.

Diana shrugged, "If you still think this is a waste of time, Tavi seems keen on replacing you so a transfer would be approved. Although, even having nightmares about this would probably be considered treason."

I stripped completely out of my clothes, "So Alexx, about this whole you've never really had an orgasm thing..."

"Tavi!" Morgan whispered.

"You can't threaten me with the whole panty thing because the Russians blew them up!"

I leaned my head into the SUV's driver side window to see what Diana would do about me being so near. She turned her face towards me and raised an eyebrow. Having thrown the challenge, I had no to choice but to kiss her.

"Are we expected to..." Alexx could not get the rest of the sentence out.

Diana's hands came up to my face. She didn't want to me to finish the kiss yet, so I leaned farther in and let her tongue invade my mouth. I heard a vehicle. Breaking the kiss, I looked down the street. Not the van I was waiting for. Diana was deep in thought again so another kiss did not seem likely.

"I'm horny!" I said.

"Stop wasting time and get Elis," Morgan retorted. "We can talk about horny afterwards."

"No, we won't!" I said. "You'll be all lovey-dovey. You're alive, Elis! Fuck me, Elis!"

"There's always one of them. Actually, Diana is probably ripe to find out if the fuck you put on her was mostly in her mind or if you're really that good," she said. "And yes, Alexx, you do have to fuck him. Did you think an all female unit was an accident?"

"Why?" April asked.

"Because he gets horny a lot!" Morgan said. "What are we waiting for, Tavi? Is Elis in the warehouse?"

The big Russian boss must have been watching too much TV; he had a warehouse in the middle of a junkyard for his dirtier work.

"I'm not a whore," April said. She stared angrily between Morgan and Diana.