Chapter 11

An unfamiliar noise roused Noah. He realized it was Noelle, crying. Rachel was sound asleep beside him.

He arose, pulled on his briefs, picked her up and wrapped her in a fresh towel. "I'll bet you're hungry," he said and carried her downstairs. His carrying her calmed her, but she began crying again as he reached the kitchen. "Hold on," he said and removed a nursing bottle filled with Rachel's milk. A brief time in the microwave oven took off the chill. He sat on the sofa and offered her the nipple.

Noelle latched onto the nipple and then pushed it out of her mouth with her tongue. "Oh, I know," he said softly. "It's not the same. Your mommy needs her sleep." He tickled her lips with the nipple. "Mommy made this for you," he said. This time the infant began nursing.

Noah held cradled her in the crook of his arm and held the bottle with his right hand. Noelle consumed about half before her nursing grew unenthusiastic. He held Noelle over his shoulder and stroked her back until she burped. "That's better," he said softly. He carried her to the sofa and held her on his lap as she drowsed.

"So here you are." Rachel's voice snapped Noah from his light sleep. He looked up from the sofa and saw her standing in her robe. "I woke up to find myself alone in bed."

"I thought you needed sleep so I took the night shift," he replied. "I came down here so I wouldn't disturb you."

"Did you feed Noelle?"

"Yes -- three times. We used up the milk in the fridge."

"I'll pump more. My boobs feel full again this morning."

"Rachel, sweetheart," Meredith called from the kitchen. "Do you want syrup on your pancakes?"

"Yes, please," Rachel called back. She spotted the crude cradle in which Noelle slumbered. "Where did that come from?"

"My dad made it when I was born. He carved my name in the headboard."

"But he spelled it NOHA," she replied.

"My dad wasn't particularly detail-oriented."

"Let's get some breakfast."

"I'll go put some clothes on."

"Are you really accustomed to bumming around here in your underwear?" she asked.

"Oh, yes. I used to do it all the time when I was in high school."

Rachel picked Noelle out of the cradle and carried her into the kitchen. She sat at the table and held Noelle in her left arm while eating her pancakes with her right.

Sarah stepped into the kitchen. "Marcus is still asleep," she said.

"I'm going to ask him to start snowblowing the driveway," Meredith said, "when he gets up. It's a pretty day."

"I'll give him a hand," Noah added.

"With any luck we'll see the snowplow come through today. Then we can go out and get some supplies. Have some pancakes, Sarah."

Sarah picked up a plate, placed a couple pancakes on it and sat at the table. She looked toward Rachel. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"Better. I have to waddle around with a washcloth between my legs to absorb any oozing."

"You'll need to pick up some heavy-duty pads," Sarah replied as she poured syrup onto her pancakes.

"We'll need a car seat," Noah said. "Otherwise we can't transport Noelle to Community for a checkup."

"Maybe we can borrow one," Meredith said. "I can call some friends ... once the phone is fixed, that is. Why pay for a car seat if it's only going to be used once?"

"I suppose," Sarah replied.

"Rachel," Noah's mom said, "what is the name of that adoption agency you're working with?"

"I ... I have it written down somewhere," Rachel replied.

"I'll bet you're looking forward to getting back to your old routine," Sarah added.

"Yeah ... My routine." Rachel set down her fork. "I think I'll go upstairs and give Noelle her breakfast. If you'll excuse me." She carried the infant up the stairs.

"Is she all right?" Sarah asked.

"She's been through an ordeal," Meredith replied. "No one can understand what it's like unless they've been through it."

Noah finished his breakfast. "I'll go check on her."

He climbed the stairs and opened the door to his bedroom. Rachel reclined on the bed, her back supported by the headboard and she held Noelle to her breast. Her eyes were closed, her breathing was heavy and she made soft whimpers in the back of her throat as Noelle nursed. Noah could see her legs jerking.

Noelle's nursing grew less vigorous until she released her grip on her mother's nipple. Rachel set her on the bed and adjusted the towel wrapping her. She reached for the breast pump and spotted Noah. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Not long. I was watching you feed Noelle. That looked pretty spectacular, Rachel."

"When she nurses I feel it here," she said, pressing her hand against her lower abdomen. Your mom says it's normal."

"There's no question a woman's breasts are wired to her genitals. I've heard that some women have orgasms during breastfeeding."

"I almost had one now."

"It makes you wonder how the kids get weaned." Rachel held the device to her breast. "Do you want me to give you some privacy while you pump?" he asked.

"I don't care if you watch. Your mother was right. My modesty is..." She made a gesture. " ... out the window."

Noah picked up the infant. "She feels damp. I'll wrap her in a fresh towel." He picked one off a stack on a chair and wrapped her in it. He sat on the bed holding her. "She's a good baby."

"How naughty can she be at one day old?" Rachel asked. "Here ... trade." Noah handed her Noelle and took the pump, its reservoir filled with her warm milk.

"I'll stash this in the fridge. It looks like a good quantity."

"Nearly eight ounces."

I'll be right back. He descended the stairs and emptied the pump into a nursing bottle. He began rinsing the gadget with hot water. "How is she?" Meredith asked.

"I think she's all right. She's doing a really good job."

"She is, indeed. Make sure you tell her, Noah. She needs to hear it from you."

Noah dried the pump and carried it to his room. He found Rachel lying on her side, gazing at Noelle. "Look at her, Noah," she said.

"I am. She's beautiful, Rachel. She does look a lot like you."

"I'm seeing it." She began wiping tears from her face.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Oh, Noah..."

"You're doing a terrific job, Rachel. I'm proud of you."

She reached for his hand and squeezed it. "That's not it..."

"What is it, then?

"Oh, Noah ... I can't give her up. I simply can't. I've fallen in love with her. I wasn't trying to ... it just happened."

"That maternal bond is powerful stuff."

"I love her so much. I just want to ... look at her -- just lie here and look at her. Those little hands ... with tiny fingernails. Sometimes when I'm feeding her she looks up at me and I feel all melty inside." She brushed away more tears. "I love nursing her. I never imagined how rewarding it would be. I love feeling nourishment flowing from my body into hers."

"It's more than nourishment you're giving her. It's antibodies and other healthy things."

Rachel reached for him and he held her. "I'm glad I gave birth to her here," she said. "If we had gone to the hospital ... I would've signed papers and they would've taken her from me already. I wouldn't even have had the chance to nurse her." She reached for a tissue and daubed her cheeks.

"Are you telling me you changed your mind and you really want to keep her?"

"Uhn-uhn," she replied. "I don't want to -- I need to. I NEED her, Noah. If I give her up, I'll go home with a huge hole in my heart. I'll spend the rest of my life, wondering where she is and how she's doing. I'd be miserable."

"Are you up to it?" he asked.

"I don't know. I have such doubts. Oh, Noah -- I'll need help ... lots of help ... lots of support ... lots of encouragement..."

"I'll give it to you, Rachel -- and I'll give you plenty of love, too."

"Oh, I know you will. I'll need plenty of advice from your mom, too."

"I'm sure she'll be happy to help. I'll go tell her. I'm sure she'll be over the moon."

Noah returned with his mother. "Noah told me," Meredith said to her. "That's wonderful news, Rachel. Wonderful news."

"I don't have any idea how to be a mother," Rachel said. "You'll have to give me a crash course."

Meredith sat on the bed. "Rachel -- I have attended the births of more babies than I can count. Not one of them came with an instruction manual. When it comes to learning how to be a parent -- it is strictly O.J.T."

"What's that mean?" she asked.

"On-the-job training," Noah interjected.

"And, what works for one child won't work for another. I know you have some insecurity because you didn't have a role model."

"The problem is, I had too many. I think I was in and out of eight foster homes after my parents died."

"Rachel -- you have the tools -- all three of them -- that you need to be an outstanding mom. You have your head, your heart and your gut. If it seems right in all three, then it is right. I know you have a good head and a big heart. Your gut is a more personal organ, but I'm sure yours matches the other two."

"Do you really think so?" Rachel asked.

"I know so. When I was working the maternity floor, I saw all sorts of women come through our doors. It's ironic. We need to pass a test and carry a license to drive a car, but we don't need certification to bring a new human being into the world; and sometimes I think that is a shame. Sometimes I worried when we'd send a newborn home. Sometimes I worried so much I'd lose sleep over it." She patted Rachel's hand. "If you had come through our floor -- I would have no qualms about sending Noelle home with you. None at all, and I would sleep peacefully."

"Do you really mean it, Meredith?"

"I do. I'm so happy that you've changed your mind. Ever since my boys grew up, I've been craving a grandchild. I've given up hope on Marcus and Sarah. Maybe Noelle is as close as I get."

"We haven't ruled out having more children," Noah said, "have we?"

"Not at all," Rachel replied. Let's consider Noelle your honorary grandchild. That's only a temporary designation until Noah and I are married. Then it becomes official."

"Married? Has he asked you?"

"He has."

"Did you say Yes?"

"Of course I did. I'd have been crazy not to."