“I know that you were not going to come with us, but Aunt Lana has split with her boyfriend, so now there is a spare berth. If you want it. But we must let the cruise company know today.”

Aunt Lana is Mum’s younger sister, only by a year, and she looks so much like Mum it is unreal. Her name is Svetlana, Russian like Mum’s, but she is only ever known as Lana.

“So where will I be sleeping? If I go that is.”

“In with Aunt Lana, hers is a twin bunk room, so you will have your own bunk. You can get changed and stuff in the bathroom, so there need be no embarrassment.”

“Oh. Okay I suppose, I have never been a fan of sardine cruises, but okay, at least I will be able to see you and dad. Yeah, okay, I will Mum, thanks.”

And that was that. Lana had split up with her boyfriend who she had been seeing for ages, and I have no idea what the cause of the split was. Perhaps Lana would tell me, perhaps not, but it meant there was a spare bed that was already paid for. Yup, I’ll take that thanks.

The journey down to Southampton was tortuous, so many road works slowing us down. Eventually we got to the docks. We were directed to a parking bay. Someone checked our tickets and took our luggage. Apparently, they park the car somewhere until we get back. A golf buggy took us to the ship, ‘The Nirvana of the Sea’ and we walked up the gangplank and were met again by crew. We were given our cabin allocations and electronic keys, welcomed aboard with glasses of champagne. As we sat waiting for the clearance to goo to our cabins, we were told our meal times, ours was 6.30pm for dinner, 12.30 for lunch, and 7.30 for breakfast all in the ‘coconut palms’ restaurant. We were advised not to be too late as servings were quite prompt.

Lana and I trundled our suitcases to our room, on the same deck as Mum and dad, but further down the corridor towards the stern. I guess it was a status thing, cheaper cabin, so nearer the back. The room was okay. There was a balcony with one sun lounger on it, quite how that works in a cabin for two people I don’t know. There was a bed each side of the cabin and the smallest shower and toilet ensuite I have ever seen. Certainly, little room for two, no washing each other’s back in that room. There were some drawers under the beds and one wardrobe which was also very small, it befitted the bathroom.

“I’m nipping to the loo, I will try and get changed in there too, and then you can go in, okay?”

“Yes Auntie.”

“Oh Lana, please. I am going to pretend that you are my toy boy and make all the other spinsters and divorcees very jealous.”

I laughed and then thought, ‘oh, does that mean she thinks I am a little attractive?’ Lana went into the loo. So, little privacy then, I could hear every noise, and I thought about three pieces of toilet tissue. I needed to remember that, no sneaking off into there for a quick one, no soundproofing whatsoever. A few moments later Lana came out in bra and pants.

“Right the Mik, I cannot get dressed in there. I just about managed my underwear, so, from now on, I will be going in and coming out in underwear. Outer clothes will have to be on and off in here, and lord know there is little more room in here. It is going to be cosy, and we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other than we expected.”

“Damn Lana, that will be hard to handle,” I said laughing as I stripped out of my polo top and chinos, grabbed some clean underpants and headed to the shower room. I decided I would sit on the loo, it would keep the splashing noise as I had a wee to a miniMum. I washed my pits and crotch, deodorised, pulled my clean boxers on and headed out to our cabin. Fresh Polo top and chinos, sliders and I was ready. Lana had a sun dress on and she had Birkenstocks on her feet.

“Shall we promenade?” I asked.

“But of course, kind sir,” Lana answered laughing.

We walked along the deck to the stairs and then went up to the observation deck. This deck was at the edge of the ship, so that you could see all around. As we approached a bar I asked Lana I she wanted a drink, she nodded and so we went in. The cocktail of the day involved blue curacao, orange curacao floating on top with pineapple. We had one of those each, went back to the deck and sat in a pair of steamer chairs sipping our cocktails through a straw.

At some point we had embarked as the shop was now out at sea, if you could call the channel a ‘sea’.

“I can’t feel any motion,” Lana said.

“No, me either, but I think I can feel the vibrations from the engines,” I answered.