Chapter 3

All the way home the things I said over the last four hours, and the things that he said, played in my mind. I already felt somehow different. I don’t know if that was due to the talking, the candid and very embarrassing admissions I made to a man I just met. Or if it was simply because something about him made me trust him and gave me hope that he might actually make me a better person, a more complete woman. I actually felt pretty cheerful!

I got home in time to change before the kids got home from school. I didn’t remember to take one of the capsules the doctor gave me until I went back downstairs. I have to admit I was a little nervous about taking a capsule from an unlabeled pill bottle. That was one more thing, a leap of faith that was out of character for me. But I was still suffused with a feeling of wellbeing that I can’t remember ever experiencing before. That feeling and my promise to Jeff to do whatever I had to do to become a better wife erased my doubts.

I took one of the capsules and sat at the kitchen table, staring out into the backyard and wondering about some of the things the doctor said to me, things that should have been scary but didn’t seem to penetrate this feeling of calm that had come over me.

It was several minutes before I felt a mild rush and a tingling sensation that seemed to start between my legs and spread all over my body. I even felt my nipples become erect!

It was very pleasant. I remember that I was thinking about the doctor promising to take me out of my comfort zone. He promised that I would “be embarrassed, shocked, humiliated, offended.”

Yet even now as that sentence replayed in my mind I felt calm and ... and I don’t know what. Tingly?! The sensation reminded me vaguely of the way I felt when I was a teenager, lying in bed and imagining taking my clothes off in front of my next door neighbor. It wasn’t that strong now. It didn’t take my breath away the way I remember it doing back then. It was a mild, pleasant feeling that I rather enjoyed.

I must have been sitting there like that for nearly forty-five minutes before the kids came home. I wasn’t even aware of time passing!

Seeing them reminded me that Dr. Carter was going to talk to them. I made them a snack and sat down with them. I wasn’t planning to let them know that I was seeing a doctor. Now it was unavoidable. I thought it best that I tell them now. I wasn’t certain I’d be able to later.

There wasn’t time to plan out what I was going to say. Well, there would have been if I waited to speak to them. But I didn’t think about that until it was too late. I cleared my throat nervously. When they looked up I said, “There’s something we need to discuss.”

They looked at me nervously, sensing from my voice that this was important. I took a deep breath and said, “I saw a doctor today.”

I saw the alarm in their faces and hurriedly added, “A psychiatrist. He’s counseling me for a problem I’m having ... have been having for a long time. I wasn’t going to mention it but he said that he would want to talk to you guys at some point in the future. I thought it best if you found out about this from me. I don’t want you to think I’ve been keeping things from you.”

Seth blurted out, “Are you crazy?”

Sara popped him in the back of the head and exclaimed, “Seth! Are you brain dead?!”

I smiled and said, “It’s a personal problem that I’m not comfortable discussing with you. But it has been a problem in my life for a very long time. I finally decided to talk to someone, to work it through. I just didn’t want this to come as a surprise to you later and have you think that it was something more worrisome than it actually is.”

Seth, with a totally straight face, turned to Sara and said, “You don’t suppose she found out that her real children were taken by aliens and we were left in their place do you?”

Sara looked at him in disgust and exclaimed, “Way to act mature, Mork!”

I smiled and said, “It’s okay, Sara. I suspected it all along.”

I got up and said, “Now go do your homework.”

I turned away but Sara asked, “Mom, why are you seeing someone? Is there anything we can do?”

Seth chimed in, “Like behave?”

I shook my head and said, “No, honey. This is a problem that I’ve had for most of my life and ... and I finally decided that it was time to get past it. Everything is fine. I wouldn’t even have mentioned it if the doctor didn’t suggest that it might be necessary for him to talk to you.”

I think that I must have been a little too relaxed for a while after that. I wasn’t aware of time passing until the kids came back down in their scandalous swimwear to use the pool.

I normally avoided looking at them when they were dressed that way. But this afternoon I watched them quietly from my seat at the kitchen table. They moved around the kitchen getting drinks to take out to the pool.

I noticed how much of their young flesh was exposed and yet how comfortable they seemed with each other. I noticed the way they stood side by side at the kitchen counter, pouring juice into insulated cups and joking quietly with each other.

Seth must have said something stupid, as usual. Sara got that long suffering look on her face and swiveled her sexy little hips to give him a hip bump. They seemed so comfortable together. The funny thing is that I remember how much that worried me yesterday. This afternoon it made me feel warm that they were so good together.

I watched them take their drinks out to the pool. They put them down by the water’s edge and dove in. I watched them swimming laps for several minutes before they returned to sip on their drinks and talk quietly.

They stood together in water just above their waists, leaning against the side of the pool with their backs to me. Looking at them together that way I couldn’t help wondering once more if they weren’t just a little too close for a brother and sister. Never having had a brother or sister, or even a close friend when I was growing up I really didn’t know what to think.

But even as it occurred to me to wonder if they had a healthy relationship I still remained calm, unconcerned. Time slipped away again while I sat there, suffused in what I can only assume were the affects of the capsule I took a short time ago. That pleasant tingling remained, seemingly radiating out from between my legs.

I continued to watch the kids. I noticed for the first time what perfect breasts my daughter has under the tiny bikini top that didn’t cover much more than her nipples. Well, it isn’t that I was unaware that she had breasts before now. But I’ve always avoided looking at them before this afternoon.

The kids picked up their drinks and I watched them walk up the steps at the shallow end. They walked to the two lounge chairs they usually stretch out on to dry off. I found myself staring at the large bulge in the front of my son’s skimpy spandex trunks. I’m sure it’s just my imagination. But it seems even larger this afternoon! It’s outlined perfectly, obscenely, by the thin material of his trunks.

It suddenly occurred to me I’ve never gotten this clear a view of my husband’s sex organ! I looked at Sara’s face to see if she noticed. I can’t hear what they’re saying but it’s obvious from the expressions on their faces they’re teasing each other about something. But neither seemed to take any notice of how exposed the other is in those tiny suits they wore.

I watched them lie down side by side on the lounge chairs. They were on their stomachs with their cute little butts sticking up in the air, still talking quietly, laughing occasionally, totally comfortable with each other.

Oh my god! Did I just think...! I just looked at my children and thought they had cute butts! I didn’t think I was capable of thinking that about anyone, much less my own children!

And yet, after the initial shock passed, I realized that I was only being honest with myself. I was being honest with myself for the first time in my life! Maybe it’s about time for a little honesty in my life.

I looked up at the clock on the microwave and noticed that time had somehow slipped away again. I should have already started supper. I sighed and got to my feet. I was just about to go to the refrigerator when I saw Seth sit up and begin to apply suntan lotion to his sister’s back.

I watched his hands gliding over her young body, most of which was exposed in that tiny suit she insists on wearing. I can plainly see his hands spreading lotion over the firm globes of her buttocks and then slowly moving up her back, working the lotion into her soft skin. He didn’t miss a spot. He even spent some time casually massaging the oil into the sides of her pert young breasts as if there was nothing unusual about a boy massaging his sister’s breasts after a dip in the pool.

I became aware as I watched that I’m holding my breath and the tingling in my own body has increased significantly. I’m self-aware enough to sense those changes and to realize that if I had witnessed this same sight yesterday I would have panicked.

Somehow it doesn’t seem so troubling this afternoon. I found myself remaining calm and watching my son apply oil to my daughter’s sexy body and enjoying the warm, fuzzy feeling that still has me in its grip.

I continued to watch when Sara turned over and Seth oiled up all of the young flesh left exposed by those three tiny triangles. And I watched while she returned the favor, oiling up her big brother’s back and his strong, muscular legs before he turned over and she ran her hands over nearly every square inch of his strong young body.

I know I saw the bulge in his trunks move on several occasions. If I can see it from the kitchen then I know she saw it as she stood, bent over him, running her hands down his chest and up those strong, masculine thighs until I knew that her fingers must be in contact with the material of those tightly stretched trunks between his thighs.

There was a brief flash of lucidity when I knew I should run out there and make them stop what they’re doing. It cannot be right for a brother and sister to touch each other like that.

But I couldn’t move. My body is tingling like never before and I can hear my short, rapid breathing in the otherwise silent room. Yet a feeling of wellbeing continues to hold me in its soft, pleasant grip and the alarm bells going off in my brain were quickly silenced.

I stood there, staring at my children through the kitchen window, wondering suddenly what it must be like to be touched like that, until they were lying side by side once more and talking as casually as if nothing had just happened.

It was several more minutes before I tore myself away from that impossibly erotic view of exposed young flesh and forced myself to start dinner. I prepared the entire meal in a daze. I’m stunned at the changes in me after only one visit to Dr. Carter.

Was this a good sign? Could that tall, handsome doctor with the rich, almost hypnotic voice make me whole? In the back of my mind an argument is being waged in very small letters. I want this change. I want to be like everyone else. And yet, how can a mother watch her teenage son and daughter behave the way mine just did and not be concerned? That can’t be right!

Even more disturbing, I realize that not only had I not been unduly concerned, I had been aroused!

That nagging little twinge soon disappeared as I forced myself to pay attention to dinner. But cooking is not so labor intensive that I didn’t have time to look out of the window occasionally and stare at my children through eyes that already seem to see things differently.

It was a relief when Jeff came home and the kids went upstairs to shower and change for dinner. I can finally concentrate without the distraction of my nearly naked children.

As soon as the kids were upstairs, Jeff turned to me and asked, “How did it go?”

Even as he asked I saw him look at me more closely and I realized I’m flushed. I smiled nervously and felt a shiver run through my body. I shrugged and said, “I think it went alright. I think he can help. And he seems pretty sure of it.”

I told him about the session and the impressions I came away with. I told him of the intense schedule he set up for the next week and a half. And I told him the doctor told me he wants to speak to him and the kids.

Jeff nodded and said, “Yes. He called me at the office. He asked me to come in tomorrow afternoon and he asked me to bring the kids.”