Chapter 21

Wes didn't say a word when I stormed into our room. I jerked the chair out from under my desk and sat silently fuming.

I could feel his support in a gruff guy way. After a while he cautiously asked how things were going. I just grunted.

He eventually dragged me to the fitness center to work out. He hung around to do some lifting of his own for an hour or so, I think in case I wanted to talk. Eventually he left me alone as I continued to punish myself with free weights and the exercise machines.

I kept stewing about Kendall's letter to Paul. She and I hadn't talked about when she might deign to give me what percentage of her heart on what schedule until full transition. Obviously I had some growing cynicism to deal with. Was it cynicism about Kendall, about women in general or even worse, about the possibility of love? I wasn't sure.

I don't know what I should have expected, but her note made me feel like her backup plan all over again, her fall-back boyfriend in case Paul didn't come to UT. As the hours passed and my temper began to cool off, what lingered was a discouraging sadness. Despite the growing connection I had been feeling for her, she obviously wasn't feeling it for me.

I got a surprise when I got back to my room. Wes was gone, and in his place was Gerri, studying away at his desk. She stood up and held her arms out to me in a touching gesture of empathy. A couple seconds of her kindness had me blinking back tears of self pity as she hugged herself to me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, managing to keep my voice from cracking.

"Oh, a little bird told me you might need some cheering up," she said into my chest.

I took a deep breath. "Geez. I never knew Wes could be so thoughtful."

She loosened her hug to look up at me for a moment before returning her head to my chest.

"You'd be surprised at how many people care about you, Randy."

"I guess."

"Want to talk about it?" she asked, her voice becoming less sympathetic and more businesslike.

"I guess."

She released me and sat in Wes's desk chair again, and gestured for me to sit in mine. "So talk."

I briefly outlined the morning's events. Gerri listened, mostly without interruption until I neared the end of the story.

"Was it what she said in the letter that bothered you, or the way she said it?"

"Uhhh ... I don't know."

"Then think about it," she prompted.

"Well ... both." She gestured for me to continue.

"She was gushing all over him, writing about a poem that made her think of him, that he was the only one for her, that she thinks about him no matter who she's with, all that kind of crap."

"Upsetting, but it shouldn't be a complete surprise," she said reasonably. "That's the way girls write to their lovers." I scowled at her, but she merely shrugged. "They do, Randy. Have you ever had a lover write you a letter?" She looked expectantly, waiting me out.

"Well yes, but this one was over the top."

"You told me once that Kendall likes dramatic bodice-ripper romance novels," she reminded me. Then she looked at me shrewdly. "Do you know if Paul was her first?"

"Alright, alright, maybe it wasn't too ... gushy."

"Then if you ignore the way she said it, what did she say that upset you?"

"Well, she lied about where she was going that weekend."

"Yes ... but you said you knew that before today."

"In the letter she said the ring they gave her for her birthday was a very big deal to her. But when I asked before what Paul and Gina gave her, she said nothing important. When I realized she'd been waving it in my face the whole time, I felt like an idiot. I mean, she only puts his picture away when I'm there, and she still wears his ring even when we're..."

"Having sex? Randy, it doesn't..."

"And then, when I called her on it, she said Paul's better in bed than I am anyway!"

Gerri's eyebrows shot up. "She did?"

"More or less." She looked closely at me for a few moments to see if I was going to stick to that story.

"Umm..." she began cautiously, "by any chance were you both pretty pissed off at each other when that happened?"

"So?"

"Well, true, she still shouldn't have said it, but--"

"You're damn right she shouldn't have!"

"I agree, I agree. But ... I'm sure she's sorry she said it. She definitely owes you an apology."

I got up to pace around the room.

"I guess I can't get used to the idea of being on trial. I'm not sure I can, I mean, how can I make love with her now? I'll always be worrying that Paul would have done something better." I shook my head in frustration. "How am I supposed to believe that someday she might finally say I've graduated from second string to varsity?"

"You'll have to talk to her about that ... when you're not so angry, and she's not so defensive."

"I don't think she gives a rip," I said sullenly.

"Yes, she does, Randy."

In my frustration I lashed out at her. "How the hell would you know?"

She didn't flinch. "I know because it wasn't Wes that asked me to come see you."

I blinked in surprise. "Kendall asked you to come see me?"

She nodded and gave me a small smile. "She knows I still care about you, Randy. I've called her a few times to see how you're doing."

"You have?"

Not for the first time, she tilted her head at the obvious density of mine. Then she nodded calmly.

"Of course."

I mentally kicked myself. "Damn. I haven't asked how things are going for you lately."

I expected another smile, and was concerned when her shrug was non-committal.

"I'm not here to talk about that. But don't worry ... its okay."

"Just 'okay?'"

She appeared to mentally debate whether or not to ignore my probe. Then...

"You've seen Alan when he's come up for some events, right?" she asked.

"Well, not much really. We broke up so I didn't think hanging around would make sense to everyone."

"I was worried people could tell that Alan and I aren't really a couple."

I waited for her to continue, but she seemed to be having an internal debate.

"Is there more to it than that?" I asked softly.

"Let's just say Alan and I still have a lot of issues between us."

"From back when you were kids?"

"Some of that, yes," she said somewhat evasively. "But there's other stuff, things I can't tell you about." She looked out the window.

"Oh. Well ... I'm sorry to hear that."

"And I think it's affecting Sharon," she continued, as if I hadn't spoken. "She's been ... I don't know, distant lately."

"Because of stuff between you and Alan?"

She nodded. "I think so. Maybe blood really is thicker than water sometimes. Anyway, she called and asked if she could come up and see me. She's coming tomorrow."

"Do you want me to call her today? Maybe she'd open up about what's bothering her to someone that's not as involved."

She smiled. "Thanks, but I don't want you to get dragged into it. We broke up, remember?"

I smiled back. "Then why have you been calling Kendall to check up on me?"

"Alright, I'll admit I still have a soft spot for you, Randy. You're so sweet, I can't help it."

I got up and pulled her to her feet, enfolding her in a firm hug.

"Thanks, kiddo," I said sincerely. "I want you to be happy, too."

After some gentle prodding from Gerri before she left, I called Kendall and we exchanged perfunctory apologies. She seemed relieved to hear from me, but the longer the call went the more her tone of voice became frosty.

I could tell she felt she'd done nothing wrong, and apparently expected me to apologize profusely after Gerri calmed me down for her. When that didn't happen, the call tailed off pretty quickly.

I said I'd see her in class on Monday; which didn't make her any happier. But I thought taking Sunday as a cooling off period was a good idea.

I finished all the homework I'd planned for the weekend fairly early Sunday night, so on an impulse I called Gerri to hear how her visit from Sharon had gone.

When Peggy answered she sounded like she'd just come from a funeral. When she said Gerri couldn't come to the phone, I was immediately concerned.

Wes gave me a puzzled look as I hung up and grabbed my coat. To his un-spoken question, I shrugged.

"Gerri's still a friend, Wes, and it sounds like there's something wrong. Besides, Gerri's almost as good as you are at getting my head out of my ass. I need people in my life like that ... a lot."

"I don't doubt that. But isn't your love life already complicated enough?"

"Yeah, it is, but I'm discovering it's possible to be friends with a girl without trying to have sex with her."

"But why would you want to?" Then he turned serious. "I know I'm not exactly 'mister experience' with serious relationships, but is this a good idea? Breaking up with you was her idea, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm not thinking about getting her back. I'm just a little worried about her, so I'm gonna go see if I can help."

"Why?" he asked, perhaps half serious.

We were obviously touching on an underdeveloped part of Wes's brain. He wasn't being mean spirited; he'd just thought with the little head first and foremost for so long that thinking otherwise wasn't instinctive.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't easily explain to him the behind-the-scenes weirdness of my relationship with Gerri. I had to leave it at that for the time being, shrugging again as I left.

When I knocked on Gerri's door, Peggy opened it a few inches and peered out at me. When she spoke it was barely louder than a whisper.

"Randy, she doesn't want to see anyone right now."

"It's Randy?" Gerri called from inside. She sounded like her nose was stuffed up.

"Yeah," Peggy replied. There was a long pause.

"He can come in," Gerri said softly.

Peggy stepped back to let me into the dimly lit room. Only her desk lamp was on to cast amorphous shadows on the wall above Gerri's bed. Gerri was lying on her side with only a sheet thrown over her. She was coiled up on herself into a near fetal position, as if seeking shelter from a womb long since left behind. I could see an eye looking at me through the gloom, turned sideways and peeking over a thigh that she was hugging to her chest.

"So this is where the party is," I said to Peggy.

Peggy shook her head in apparent discouragement. "Not much of a party I'm afraid. She manages to sit up and eat something every now and then, but the last time was a while ago."

"It's okay, Peg," said Gerri. "Why don't you go get yourself some air and something to eat? You're starting to look like I feel, and I don't want to do that to you."

"Are you sure?" she asked. She looked at me dubiously.

"Yeah, Randy can baby-sit for a while."

Peggy gave me a warning look, like I'd better behave if I knew what was good for me. Given my recent breakup with her roommate I couldn't blame her for feeling protective. But she nodded to Gerri and closed the door softly on her way out.

I sat next to Gerri and bent down to give her a kiss on her forehead. She smiled faintly.

"I take it things didn't go well with Sharon."