Chapter 11

Remember the movie "Independence Day"? The one with Will Smith where all the aliens invade the world. Remember after the first night of attack by the aliens, how the scene blacked out and then faded back in the next morning with a shot of all the destruction? When I opened my eyes on the first morning of the year, I kind of felt like that, with the pills I found in Sam's bag, seeing Mom with Mia's parents, then the whole thing with Ana. What should have been a happy morning pretty much sucked.

I pulled myself out of bed, took a leak, pulled on some jeans and my favorite LP t-shirt and began to pack. I looked at Sam's empty bed. For a second I wondered where he was, and then remembered he was with his new posse for New Year's Eve. After about 10 minutes, there was a knock at the door.

"It's open," I called out. I looked up as the door swung open. When Mom poked her head in, I flinched.

"Happy New Year, Son," she said, with a smile. I tried to smile back, but I'm sure the attempt was feeble. "Breakfast in ten, and then we need to pack up the vehicles."

"OK," I said.

Mom frowned. "You OK?"

Actually, Mom, not at all. I saw you fucking John and Shelly last night and I'm really bothered by the whole thing for some reason. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired, and maybe a little bummed that our trip is almost over."

She stepped over to me and gave me a side-to-side hug. "I know what you mean. We still have until tomorrow afternoon, though, so don't start the moping now and ruin what little time you have left."

I gave her another weak smile. "I know. I'll snap out of it in a bit, I'm sure."

She looked at me sideways. "Are you sure that's it? Nothing else bothering you?"

I shook my head. She watched me intently and I was pretty sure she was going to lean in and give me kiss, but instead, she just rubbed my back a bit and then left without a word.

So that was it? Mom found somebody new and now I'd been pushed to the curb. I had a fleeting thought about how I'd pretty much done the same thing after we'd been in Arizona only a few days. I pulled Mia into my bed—MOM's bed— for the whole night without hardly a second thought.

Eventually, I had to make an appearance among the other occupants of the cabin, so when I zipped up my bag 15 minutes later, I went out in search of life. I found Mom, Shelly, Shay, and Ana eating at the kitchen table.

Shelly looked up at me and smiled. "He's risen from his crypt. There's toast, butter, and jam, or you can finish off one of the cereals."

I threw a couple of pieces of bread in the toaster and leaned against the counter to wait. I looked at the others in the room. Shay was constantly looking at the two women, almost as if she was expecting them to do something amazing. I wondered what was going on in my girlfriend's head. Ana seemed distracted. She only nibbled at her food.

The toast popped up, so I went about making and eating my breakfast. I didn't even bother to sit down, opting to just eat at the counter.

"Damn, what a somber bunch." I looked up as John walked in. "Somebody die?"

"John, please," Shelly said. "Not everyone can be so jolly in the morning."

"Sorry, Babe." He leaned down and kissed Shelly on the lips. Then he kissed Mom on top of the head and gave her back a slow caress from one shoulder to the other. It was subtle, but armed with my new insight, it screamed volumes.

"Brody, can you get your bags and the girls'?" John indicated Shay with a nod of his head. "Sam and I already have everything else loaded up."

"Sure." I swallowed my last bite and chased it with the rest of my milk.

"I'll come with you," Shay said, as she stood up. She cleared her place at the table and took both of our paper plates and plastic cups and tossed them in the garbage.

We left the kitchen and walked quietly back to our rooms. When we got to my door, Shay turned to me.

"My God, Brody. You're really depressing me. What's the big deal? So you saw your mom having sex with someone else. It's not like you were planning on being her only lover, were you? I mean, you should be glad she has found someone to be with, especially good people like John and Shelly."

"I know all that, Shay. But it still depresses me for some reason. Did you know she didn't even kiss me this morning? Just a casual arm hug was it."

"What, and she normally shoves her tongue down your throat first thing in the morning?"

"Well, no, that's not what I mean."

Shay squared up in front of me, her fist on her hip. "I know what this is about. You're worried that she won't be there for you to screw around with anymore. Well, listen here, Buster." She stabbed a finger into my chest. "You need to get over yourself. That's selfish AND a double standard. You don't seem to have any problem having sex with others. Your mother hasn't had anyone for a long time. The two of you have developed a unique relationship, but that doesn't mean you are the long-term answer. So stop being selfish and be glad that your mom has healed enough that she can find relationships somewhere else." Her face softened. "It's not like you are losing her as a mother. When you two are back in Georgia by yourselves, you may be surprised to find your not losing her as a lover, either. Now..." she started pushing me into my room, "Get your bags in the car so you can come carry mine." She flashed me her dazzling smile, "Lover."

I watched the world pass me by. Or more accurately, I watched as I passed the world by. For the better part of two hours, I stared out of the car window, listened to Linkin Park's "Shadow of the Day" repeatedly, and ruminated. As the world went from snowy mountains to sunny deserts, I tried to sort out what I was feeling. Shay was right, of course. I was being selfish. A HUGE part of me was sure that seeing Mom with John and Shelly meant the end of that intimacy we'd shared since Thanksgiving. I wasn't ready to give it up, though, and it wasn't about me getting off, either. When Mom and I made love, I felt more emotionally connected to her than at any other moment. I didn't want to lose that. However, I also wanted her to be happy. I knew I was only a stepping stone for her as she finally put Dad's death behind her and moved on. I needed to be man enough to be whatever she needed me to be, even if that wasn't what I wanted.

The other thing I was able to pull from the cauldron of emotions was that seeing John with Mom actually made me miss Dad even more. Not that I didn't like John, and not that his making love with Mom meant that he was trying to replace Dad. It just reminded me of how much I missed him, and how much I missed seeing Mom with him. They were a team. All through my childhood, they were like the same person. I could barely recall a time when they didn't parent me as a united front. John was a good guy, and it was obvious from his actions that he loved Mom, but it wasn't the same. He was committed to Shelly. The most surprising thought I had from my self-analysis was that I didn't have a problem with Mom being with John OR Shelly. It was just the thought of Mom finding someone else to replace Dad AND me. Stupid, I know, but now that I'd sorted things out a bit, I think I was ready to move forward.

I sighed and finally pulled my eyes away from the passing world. I took a moment to observe the others in the car. Ana was asleep in the front seat, a pillow sandwiched between her head and the window. What was she going to do now? She wasn't a virgin anymore, but she wasn't exactly experienced, either. Mia was right. She was almost naive, and teenage guys could be major jerks. I looked at the back of Sam's head in front of me. Maybe I was blowing the whole pill thing out of proportion. He could be taking medicine for any number of things. However, I couldn't shake that uneasy feeling. Everything just seemed to fit together. I was ninety percent sure he was doping, and if I'd followed my instincts on other occasions, things would have turned out differently then, too. Maybe I should follow them in this instance.

I glanced across the back seat to the other side. Mia was reading a Sue Grafton novel. She glanced up at me and smiled. Then she turned back to her book. God, I loved that girl. She was definitely more serious about things than Shay, and I wasn't sure I knew anyone with a bigger heart. I couldn't fault her for the situation with Ana. I mean, she had good intentions as she tried to look after her sister. Still you know what they say about good intentions ... I thought back to her words the previous night. She was right. I was affected more by our parents' relationship than she was; it just took me a hell of a lot longer to realize it.

I looked at Shay, who was sleeping snuggled up against Mia. Where Mia was more serious, Shay was more playful. One wasn't better than the other, they were just different. As I watched her sleeping, I knew without a doubt that I loved her, too. Once again, I thanked God for giving me a chance with these two awesome girls. Throw in a great mom and good friends, and I really was blessed. I vowed that I would quit being so self-focused and would be more for all of them. I wanted to be the best son, boyfriend, and friend I could be.

It was time to stop moping and make the most of the fun time—and life—I had left.

As soon as we ejected ourselves from the cars, it was apparent the mood in the parents' car had changed. They seemed unusually quiet. I wished I could have been a fly on the window during their drive home.

With very few words spoken, everybody helped haul things into the main house. Then Mom and I grabbed our bags and headed to the guest house in silence. Glancing at Mom, I could see she was lost in her thoughts. I wanted to say something to break the silence, but I didn't know what to say. Part of that was because I wasn't quite sure where we stood, relationship-wise. Since Mom didn't know I knew about her and Mia's parents, I didn't think it was an appropriate subject to bring up.

We worked side-by-side in that agonizing silence, emptying our suitcases, putting our stuff back into the bathroom, and loading the small stacked washing machine with dirty clothes. I stowed the bags under the bed, though it almost seemed silly to put them away since we would be leaving the next day.

Mom slammed the washer closed, startling me. "Dammit!" she exclaimed.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

She slumped her head against the dryer and sighed. "Brody, we need to talk."

I felt the blood drain from my face, literally. Every guy hates to hear that from his woman, and while Mom wasn't my 'woman', per se, she WAS my lover. So hearing 'we need to talk' pretty much sucked. I reminded myself of my personal commitment to give Mom whatever she needed.

"OK," my voice cracked. So much for sounding confident.

Mom walked over to me and grabbed my hand and practically dragged me to the couch. She sat and pulled me down to sit next to her. Now that we were sitting, her resolve nearly crumbled.

"Oh, God. Where to start?" she said.

I didn't mean to say it. I knew I should wait her out, let her work out the way to say it herself. I knew that before I said it and I knew it as I said it. By the look on her face, I definitely knew it AFTER I said it.

"You had sex with John and Shelly."

She froze, mouth and eyes open wide. She was shocked that I knew. Or maybe the shock was because of my bluntness. Who knows? That she was shocked was all that mattered.

"How did you... ? When... ? What did you... ?"

I felt horrible for blurting it out like that, but there would be time to kick myself later. It was out in the open, for better or worse.

"I wondered if something was going on, but I didn't know until last night. Then everything that happened, going all the way back to the reunion, made absolute sense."

"OK, hold on. I need to catch up to you. I wasn't planning to discuss that piece so quickly." She took a deep breath. "How did you find out?"

"Um ... Well, see last night, after you guys left, Shay realized she needed her cell phone to wish her parents a Happy New Year, except she left it in the cabin."

Mom's face went scarlet. "Oh my God. You SAW us?"

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing good was there, so I shut it again before something stupid came out. That told Mom the answer to her question. She buried her face in her hands.

"How much did you see?" she asked.

"Um, well, we were kind of surprised, you know, seeing you and John together, and kind of in shock when it was obvious it was all three of you."

"How much?"

"Well, I, um, well..." I sighed. "All of it, I guess. Unless you kept going after John's first, um..."

"Enough, I get the idea." Her hands dropped from her face, and I could see the hurt in her eyes. "I'm disappointed in you, Brody. What I do in private is my own business, not yours, unless you are directly involved."

"I know, Mom. I didn't mean to. I was just so shocked that I was kind of frozen in place. My head kept saying I needed to leave, but my feet wouldn't move." I looked away from her. I needed to take the offensive. "Why didn't you tell me, Mom? I mean, considering everything we'd done together, didn't I have a right to know?"

Mom was quiet for a long time. I waited an excruciating amount of time waiting for her before I finally looked at her again. The look of confusion and indecision, and even a little fear, made her seem so vulnerable. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and tell her I was sorry and that everything was OK. But I was frozen in my seat just like I was frozen in place last night. Then she chuckled.

"I almost said it wasn't any of your business, but then I realized how stupid and selfish that would have sounded. You're right. The nature of our relationship has made it your concern, I guess. You're also right that I should have told you before now. It's just that things moved kind of fast and my head was spinning and I don't even really know what's going on."

"I don't understand."

"I know, that's why I wanted to start much further back—years, even—before we talked about the here and now. Maybe if I do that, you'll understand." She wiped away a stray tear from her cheek that I hadn't even noticed. "Maybe then I'll understand it myself."

She looked at me and I nodded. Then I looked down at her hands, which she was wringing nervously. I reached out and grabbed one of them, pulling them apart, and held it in her lap.

"I think I told you before that the childhood relationship between me and John was pretty similar to yours with Mia. As fate would have it, the summer after I turned 15, events happened that were life-changing. Sound familiar?" She winked at me, which made me smile. "Anyway, our families hadn't missed a reunion the entire time we were children, and so during the first evening that summer, after we did all the requisite greeting, John pulled me off down a path through the woods to a little clearing we liked to visit. You know where the obstacle course is?"

I thought back to the reunion and to Sam's attempt to make me look bad in front of everyone. I couldn't suppress a little grin thinking about how THAT turned out. I nodded to Mom.

"Well, that used to be a little clearing where some of us kids would go hang out. John and some of the other boys would create a little makeshift fire ring each year and we'd just kind of hang out and talk. This night, it was just the two of us. He was acting nervous for some reason and at first I could tell he was chattering on just to avoid whatever was really on his mind. So I took his hand and asked him what was wrong. He told me he thought he had fallen in love with me."

I was watching Mom as she reminisced. It was like she'd been transported back to that time. I remembered the first night she and I made love and she had momentarily slipped back into memories of Dad. Her expression this time was almost identical.

"I was stunned, to say the least. Instead of saying anything, though, I kissed him. We ended up kissing and snuggling for hours. I confessed I thought that maybe I loved him, too. But honestly, I really didn't know, or maybe I did know, but was just too scared to handle the reality. We talked about what that meant for us. He lived in Tennessee. I lived in Georgia. We committed to see each other every year and then when I graduated from high school, I'd go to college wherever he was.

"We finally made our way back to the cabins, hand in hand." Mom chuckled. "I'm sure we were looking at each other like stereotypical love-struck teenagers. It didn't take John's mother long to figure out what was going on, and she was not a happy camper."

"Why not?"

"John was her baby. Where his older sisters were both daddy's girls, John was a mama's boy. Not in the negative sense, but just that he was really close to her. She doted on him and he went out of his way to try to make her happy. He was a very loving son." She looked at me, her eyes full of warmth, "Not all that dissimilar from a young man I know VERY well."

I blushed, but didn't say anything.

"I noticed her reaction right off. She was almost cold to me, which she'd never been before. She would shoot us disapproving looks when she thought we weren't looking, and the rest of the weekend, she would make veiled comments meant to belittle our relationship or try to drive a wedge into it, like mooning over the girl John had taken to prom or playing up John's chance to play football in college all the way across the country."

"I still don't get it. Why didn't she want you two together?"

"You know, to this day I still don't know. Maybe because we were cousins, though as second cousins we could legally get married. Maybe she didn't really like my family or thought I wasn't good enough for John. I don't know. What I do know is that when the reunion was over, I was more confused than ever. I thought I loved John, but I was only 15! I wasn't even sure I knew what love was like. Plus, the last thing I wanted to do was drive a wedge between John and his mother. Of course, like a typical guy, John was clueless as to his mother's response to our evolving relationship."

I feigned a pout. "Hey, all guys aren't clueless."

"Keep telling yourself that, Son," she said sympathetically, as she patted my hand. "John and I parted that summer with pledges of love and promises to write and, of course, to get together again the next summer. However, by the time school started, I just knew there was no way I could get between him and his mother. I told myself that I was too young to fall in love and make commitments. We wrote regularly through Christmas, and then my responses to his letters took longer and longer to send. Eventually, I quit responding altogether. At the end of the school year, Mr. Simkins, who owned a corner grocery store, offered me a summer job. With relief, I snatched it up."

I stayed quiet as Mom's story unfolded, but I could see where it was going. And I could hear the sadness in her voice over the missed opportunity. I momentarily wondered if Mom loved John more than Dad, but I figured that wasn't the case. She was just remembering a sad time in her life.

"I didn't tell John or anything. Mom and Dad said he was at the reunion and seemed particularly distraught that I wasn't there. I remember crying myself to sleep the night they told me that.

"John wrote letters again the rest of the summer and into the fall, but I didn't have the heart to read them. Eventually his letters stopped coming, too. I dated a little the next year, my junior year, and as time progressed, my thoughts of him were less and less frequent. When summer came, I resumed working at Simkins. That was the summer I met your father."

I knew how that part of the story went. Dad was a college student—a computer major—at the college in Mom's town. He worked as an intern that summer at Simkins, helping Mr. Simkins set up a computer network for his three stores. He and Mom started flirting pretty heavily, but when Dad asked her out, she turned him down because she said he was too old for her. Or she was too young or something like that. Dad was 20, Mom was 17. Anyway, Dad kept up the flirting, and when Mom started her senior year of high school, he became a regular visitor at her family's home. Her parents really liked him, and Mom was secretly thrilled with his attention. The day Mom graduated, Dad asked her out. She accepted and the rest, as they say, is history.

Mom continued her story. "My parents come home from the reunion that summer and among the news they shared was that John had also missed the reunion. He was seriously dating a girl he'd met in college—he was a freshman—and had gone to work for the summer on her grandparents' ranch in Texas. That girl was Shelly."

Ah, the pieces of the puzzle start to fall into place. Still, that doesn't explain how we got to where we now were.

"Years passed. John and Shelly married and lived in Texas at first, and then in Tennessee. They had their lives and we had ours. I relived memories of my reunions with your father, and shared with him that John was my best friend at the reunion when I was growing up. I did mention to Derrick that John and I had sort of crushed on each other, but it had been a short-lived summer romance. Derrick loved to tease me about the whole kissing cousins thing." She stopped and blushed. "I wonder what he would think about me and you."

Good question. I hoped that he approved. I was sure, if he could see from heaven the love Mom and I had, that he would be happy that we were there for each other.

"The year I had my first miscarriage was my first time back to the reunion since I was 15. As a way to get me out of my funk, Derrick insisted that we go, since I had always talked so fondly of it. As usual, your father was pretty smart. The reunion was cathartic for me. It was wonderful to see family I hadn't seen in years. Derrick also enjoyed himself, and the reunion became a summer staple after that. The next year was the first time I saw John since I was a teenager. He brought Shelly and their two children: Sam and Ana, obviously. At first it was awkward, but Shelly was so outgoing. She immediately latched on to me and told me all about how John always talked so fondly of our antics as kids. Eventually, John and I started talking, and it was almost as if we hadn't been apart at all.

"Derrick was not nearly as social as the three of us were, but he seemed to get along with the other couple well enough. I don't think he and John would ever have been close friends—they were just too different—but I think they respected each other. The last morning of the reunion, I publicly announced I was pregnant. Everyone was excited since, as is pretty common in close families, everyone seemed to know about our difficulties conceiving.

"We continued to see John and Shelly at the reunion, and after a couple of years, we started sending Christmas cards. Then Shelly and I would send a letter or two. When they moved to Arizona, I was sad we wouldn't see them at the reunion, but it wasn't that much worse than not seeing many of my other relatives who didn't come. We had gotten somewhat close, but nothing more.

"Then shortly after Derrick died, Shelly called me out of the blue. She gave her condolences and said she was sad that we hadn't been able to see each other for so long. We chatted for a bit, but that was it. Then she called again after the reunion that year, then again after the first anniversary of Derrick's death. Then I called her a few months later, and that started regular calls, maybe four or five times a year.

"Last spring, Shelly called me to tell me that John had been given more flexibility with his position and would be able to break away for the reunion."

My mouth dropped open. Mom knew! She knew they were coming and said NOTHING!

"You are evil, Mom," I said. She just grinned back at me. She knew what I meant.

"We chatted a time or two about you and Mia and how close you two had become. We'd laugh over your little protector role and how much she wanted to do anything that you did. Anyway, during that spring phone call, she told me all about what had happened to Mia and all she'd been through. She told me about Shay's emergence into her daughter's life and the unique, intimate, relationship they had. Then she said something that shocked me. She told me that the day Mia found out they were coming to reunion, she sat her parents down and asked to be put on the pill. She told them she planned to make love to you when she saw you."

Flabbergasted is a pretty big word. It's kind of a funny word, too, if you think about it. Anyway, it's the best word to describe how I felt as Mom shared this tidbit of information with me.

"You're kidding me," I said, incredulously. "You mean to tell me that Mia planned it all along? That she talked about it with her parents beforehand and Shelly told you?"

"Interesting bit of information, isn't it?"

"I wonder what else about my life people know about before I do," I shook my head in amazement. "OK, so what did you say to that? I mean, you've been pretty clear on how you feel about me rushing into sexual relationships."

Mom was quiet for a bit, and then squeezed my hand before answering. "I guess I thought about an opportunity I missed when I was your age."

I tried to digest what that sentence really meant, but before I could comment, she continued.

"Don't get me wrong. If I hadn't made the choice I did that summer, I might not ever have had your father in my life, and there would be no you. In hindsight, my choice led to the happiest years of my life. However, a part of me still wonders what it might have been like to be with John. I loved your father more than life. Nobody will ever replace him in my heart, not John, not anybody. Derrick was a part of me, and when he died, a part of me died." Tears were staining Mom's cheeks as she talked. She paused for a minute to wipe her eyes, then quietly said, "I would never wish for things to be different, but I'll always wonder."

As I listened to Mom share these feelings, I felt like all the lights were coming on. Some previously darkened rooms in my head I'd have to visit when I had more time, but I needed to check out the most obvious ones first. In my mind, everything with Mom, John, and Shelly seemed to be happening pretty fast, but it really wasn't. Like with me and Mia, this new intimacy in their relationship was a lifetime in the making.

"I ... I think I understand things, Mom," I finally said. "But can I ask you a question? How did you get from phone calls about me and Mia to you having sex with her parents? I get your history with John, but how does Shelly fit in?"

"That's two questions," Mom teased.

That made me grin. "Well, either I'm greedy or I can't count."

"Each time Shelly and I talked, she would tell me more of the things John told her about our relationship as youth. She would talk about how much it would mean to him to see me again. Then at the reunion, things just kind of happened. Remember, this was the first time I'd seen them since your father died. Shelly kind of wrapped her arms around me and really helped me work through some things that I'd been repressing. Friday evening and all day Saturday, the little vixen kept dropping all these innuendos and teases, until John and I were comfortably teasing, too. On Saturday night, while you were off having your little interlude, the three of us strolled down to our old clearing. As we sat on the bench next to the climbing wall, Shelly just opened it up. She said that she could see the love that we still had. She could see it in my letters and hear it in our voices when we talked about each other. She never worried that John would stray, and she only wanted for him to be happy. She saw how happy I made him, and she was sure I was happier around him, too. I couldn't deny it, and neither could John.

"Before I knew it, she had pulled the two of us together and we were kissing, almost as if it was that night a decade and a half ago. I was mortified when we broke the kiss, thinking that John or I, or both, had failed some test and that I might be inflicting damage on their relationship. I did love John and I cared for Shelly and I wouldn't ever want to do that, but when I began to apologize, Shelly told me stop. She gave me a huge hug and then gave John a pretty impressive kiss of her own."

"Right before they left the reunion," I interrupted, "the three of you came out of the cabin and you seemed very affectionate towards both of them, which surprised me. Now it makes sense. You even gave both of them a little kiss."

"We had been saying our goodbyes in the cabin, when John pulled me into another amazing kiss. When he pulled away, I was breathless. Imagine my shock, when Shelly stepped in and kissed me the same way. At first I was astonished. I mean, I hadn't ever kissed a woman before, but I felt such a swelling of love and almost a sisterhood with Shelly at that moment that I kissed her back with all the emotion I could muster. That was when they invited us to visit them for Christmas."

"Why didn't you tell me? When I was going on and on about dating and everything, why didn't you tell me?"