Chapter 13: Meditation and Reading

Denise got home about 30 minutes later, to find me immersed in one of my business magazines. I hadn't forgotten the awkwardness of the earlier interaction, but I'd pushed it to the back of my mind with the realization there was nothing I could do about it except wait and see.

She fiddled in the kitchen for a few minutes, and asked if I wanted anything to eat, and finally put some chips and veggies and dip down on the coffee table in the living room and sat facing me on the couch. I could tell she wanted to Talk -- in that capital-T way of Talking that womenfolk sometimes demand of menfolk.

I closed my magazine and looked up at her, expectantly and, I hoped, not too guiltily. Sure enough, she plwed right in.

"Lissa told me about your conversation this morning," she began.

"I see," I said, non-committally.

She smiled at me, but with a serious cast. Her intentions were good, but she had something important to say.

"I ASKed you not to upset her," she finally sighed, emphatically.

I nodded. "I'm sorry, Denise. I ... I didn't handle it very well. Is she very upset?"

Her faced brightened. "Actually, she seems to be handling it well -- better than I expected. But you definitely brought her own behavior to her attention -- in a way that's made her uncomfortable. She's just like me, Jason ... she'll put it under the microscope and dissect it unnecessarily, and far too extensively." A bit of a pause. "But actually she's mostly worried about having upset YOU. Did she?"

"I'm not, um, not upset at all. It was just awkward. And so I, of course, intellectualized the situation. That's how I handle awkwardness. It's part of a nerd's fundamental character."

Denise grinned at this self-deprecatory remark. "What exactly did you say to her?" she asked.

I immediately felt profoundly embarrassed. I sensed that Denise was relishing, at least a little bit, the effort to make me enunciate the earlier highly sexualized (at least, to me) conversation I'd had with her daughter.

And, having no idea what Lissa had already told her, I knew I couldn't cut corners or leave anything out. After a pregnant moment, I bought myself another minute, asking, "The whole story? From the top? How much did she tell you?"

"Just tell me from your perspective. From the top. I'm curious."

"Well," I took a deep breath, and plunged in. "Lissa, out of the blue, announced she wanted to try nudism. And was trying to talk me into it. So I immediately explained that I had nothing against it in principle, but ... well I think used the phrase 'sexuality issues.'"

My sister raised her eyebrows, but not critically -- just encouraging me to go on. And said nothing.

"So I guess I went on a bit about how I think that in our culture, nudism has a stronger sexual component than people are willing to admit. And I guess I said something to the effect that I thought she wanted to do it because it was exciting for her. I'm afraid I used the word 'horny' at one point," I admitted this with a bit of a confessional sigh.

Denise laughed at this. "I could see that that would be awkward," she agreed, and motioned for me to go on.

I took a heavy breath and decided to rush to the main point ... at least the point that seemed to have derailed the whole thing. "So after some more digressions, basically she got me to admit that I was afraid to try nudism with her because I was afraid of getting an erection." There, I'd said it.

My sister merely met my eyes with that wide, earnest gaze of hers, and nodded. Not unforgivingly; not forgivingly. Perhaps, mostly just fascinated and uncomfortably turned on, I realized, cynically. When I didn't add anything to what I'd said, right away, she finally prompted, "She said you wouldn't, because of her age."

I met her gaze, and shrugged. "Yes, I guess the resolution was that because of her age, I was uncomfortable with the idea of getting an erection around her. Which is true."

Denise's response was surprising, to me: she laughed.

Then she said, "don't be silly, Jase. You've been getting boners around her since you got here. You just don't want her to SEE it," she teased.

I genuinely blushed. "It's, uh, that obvious?"

She giggled. "Naw ... don't worry. I just know how guys are."

My relief must have been evident, as she grinned. "She wouldn't know what to look for, I don't think." Meant to reassure me, but it set me to wondering if it was true ... surely, given mom and daughter's recent activities, they must've discussed the inevitable effect on men, and all that. In fact, they'd mentioned as much to Finn.

Daringly, teasingly, I responded, "Oh. And you would, of course."

Raised eyebrow. "I suppose so. But don't change the subject. We're talking about Lissa."

"Ok," I said.

"Well, I'm relieved. It sounds like you didn't frighten her." Denise smiled again, to ensure I understood she wasn't upset with me.

"If anything, she frightened me," I quickly joked, but half-serious, recalling the conversation I'd had with Lissa, as Finn.

Denise laughed again, and said, "Aww poor Jason."

There was a long silence between us, then. Not as uncomfortable as I would have expected, just full of tension, both sexual and non-sexual, and unsaid thoughts. I leaned forward and had some carrot sticks and chips with dip, while Denise stared meditatively out at the accumulating snow in her yard.

Finally, when our eyes met again as I settled back with my latest dipped veggie, she spoke. "She also told me you said your only reservation was the age thing. She said you told her you wouldn't have any problems trying nudism around me."

I was unable to say anything intelligent to this, so I just nodded.

She watched me as I absorbed her statement, then added, "so it wouldn't bother you if I saw you with erection, but it would bother you if she saw you with one?"

"Uhm..." I said, brilliantly. Long pause.

Finally, "Uh, that's about it, I guess. I mean, what I said."

"Having second thoughts?" she teased.

I shrugged. "It's an awkward concept."

My sister seemed to consider this statement unproblematic. But she continued pursuing the subject -- enjoying watching how she could make her brother squirm, perhaps. "Well, for the record, it wouldn't bother me. You having an erection, I mean. It's a natural male response, isn't it?" But she didn't give me time to agree. "Actually, I'm positive Lissa wouldn't be bothered by it either. She might be fascinated, and I'm certain she'd stare, as she admitted to me she's never seen one before -- not a live one, anyway -- but I very much doubt she'd be offended by it."

This caused a thought to gel in my mind, and I expressed myself before it could escape me. "That's not really my worry, Denise. I mean, that it would offend her. Or you."

"Oh? What IS your concern?" she asked, looking mildly surprised. "It's not like we can't control ourselves, Jase. We can look and not touch ... just as you've shown yourself capable of." She giggled a bit at this last.

It was interesting how she spoke of herself and Lissa in a collective we, revealing the extent that they were sexual co-conspirators, and I had a moment of angst as I pondered how a genuinely "innocent" Jason would (should?) respond to that. Should he notice? Would it seem a bit ... unnatural? Unexpected?

As I cogitated on these matters, Denise watched me closely. Suddenly, she erupted in a quick chuckle. "Oh, silly me! YOU're worried about whether YOU can control yourself. You're the guy, of course. Aww ... Jason."

I just nodded sheepishly. And Denise, bless her, decided the conversation was over -- she collected the chips and such that we'd been munching on and disappeared into the kitchen. I was dumbfounded with how things were developing. She was proving even more adept at teasing me psychologically than she or Lissa were able to do visually with their little flashes and showings. She was truly an adept student of the Finn-school. I began to anticipate the opportunity to come when I could grill her, in my alter-ego role, and find out how her mind was working on these matters.

I returned to my magazine, and about an hour passed eventlessly. She went out to move some snow on her walkway and driveway, and I got up to offer to help, but she refused and said it was good exercise. As she was coming back inside, she called out to me, "Hey, Jase ... could you go online and see what the weather report says about later this evening -- I want to know if we should go get Lissa early."