Chapter 22

I heard the front door close behind them and their limo pull away. I was still sitting there when Janey and Sally came in to say 'Good night.' I sat there all through the night and into the next day.

Sally brought me breakfast, set the tray down, and left in silence. She picked it up later, the food untouched. She looked at me strangely, but didn't say a word. Lunch was the same way. Janey brought me dinner. She force-fed me a bite or two, but that was all I could eat. I felt their concern for me, but it was as if I was hovering above my body, watching a dull soap opera.

I had really screwed up. Big time. I had kind of figured out what it was, but I didn't have a clue why. I knew the relationship between Sally and me was evolving, changing and that there were going to be strains and stresses as we re-defined our respective roles within the new paradigm. Maybe it was going a bit faster than we were both willing to accept. I knew I had been unprepared for the responsibilities of my new role in the household, for which I still didn't have a label. I think that's what Amud had been talking about. I wasn't prepared. I hadn't been down 'the path', as he called it.

I spent a long time agonizing over what to do. The ball was definitely in my court. On the one hand, Sally had made it clear that she could accept it if I could not bring myself to put her in bondage, and not to be her 'Master.' But could I live with knowing that the woman I loved was being refused the thing that totally fulfilled her? I had seen, felt and experienced the explosive climax she'd had when I had tied her hands with the belt of her robe that one time. I had seen the basement and the evidence of her need for this.

The question was; 'how could I do something to her — safely — that I had never experienced?' I had absolutely no desire to experience it! How would I know the limits? In fact, there was a gripping terror in me when I thought about experiencing bondage myself. Just the thought of being restrained or confined gripped my very soul with terror to the point I couldn't breathe. For me, the thought of experiencing pain was even worse, which, given my prior profession, was somewhat curious. Still, I hate pain. So I brooded, trying to find a way out of the mess I had gotten myself, and us, into.

By late Wednesday night I came to a decision. Right or wrong, it was what I was going to do. At least it was doing something. I never was one to let life make my decisions for me. If something was going to go wrong, I wanted to be the one to screw it up. Go out with a bang, and the bigger the better.

I went into the bedroom I shared with Sally. She was still up. She watched in silence as I packed an overnight bag.

"I've missed you," was all she said.

I gently kissed her forehead, wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"I know. Me, too," I answered curtly.

I hesitated, almost changing my mind. She was so beautiful and alluring. My body wanted to slip into the bed beside her and make gentle love to her. But my mind could not ignore the fact that there were some issues that we, no, that I had to resolve. I forced myself to keep packing.

"Look, I have to do something, but I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. We'll talk then — if you want to. I promise." I looked at her sitting there. "I love you. I want you to know that."

"I know. I love you, too. We'll talk tomorrow. I'll be waiting."

I left and drove to a motel near the Rosen Clinic. Thursday I underwent Dr. Wang's procedure on my 'wang' and drove home. It really was painless, although I felt as if something was different.

During the hour-long surgical procedure tiny emitters were implanted in and around my penis and groin. A couple more were slipped just under my scalp at pre-determined locations over the parts of the brain that the Rosen's had determined to be where my pleasure centers were strongest. The end result was that by merely thinking about something erotic, I could bring my prick to an erection. It was all done with such small amounts of electricity that the devices were able to use from the bio-electrical discharges inside my body. It was a neat, self-sustaining system.

One of the more surprising features of the procedure was that I could control when my little swimmers were included in my ejaculate; a kind of variable vasectomy. That was one less worry where Janey was concerned. I was still undecided about actually fucking her, but if I did, I sure as hell didn't want a teenage pregnancy to completely ruin her life.

It took about three hours for them to go through all the features of my new accessories and for me to practice them. When I was satisfied that I could control myself, I left them with my sincere thanks and the news that Dr. Wang's paperwork was already being processed. He could expect an answer within seven working days. I had sent his and his daughter's papers to Judge Hawthorne's office last week for processing. Dr. Wang looked at me in disbelief, then to Dr. Rosen. She simply beamed at him and nodded in confirmation. He was hugging his daughter and they were weeping for joy when I left.

Sally was waiting for me when I got home. She met me at the door, but instead of greeting me with a kiss, she knelt before me as a servant. My heart hurt at her subservience. Not that she gave it, but that I wasn't worthy of receiving it from her.

That point was at the center of the issue was between us. She loved me, I loved her. That was not in question. She had submitted to me. She needed to be totally committed. She needed me to be totally committed, as well. We both knew I wasn't, and thus there was still an element of fear in her submission. She was not afraid that I would intentionally harm her. She knew that if I ever did harm her physically, I would curl up and die of shame and guilt. What she feared was that I would hurt her unintentionally, and not just physically. That was because in terms of what we were entering into, I was just plain stupid and ignorant. I had no idea of her limits. I didn't know the path, as Amud called it, or where it went or why.

I was determined to change that. I had to take away her fear — and my own terror, as well. To do that, I had to 'experience the path' myself, as Amud had said. It had taken me a long time to figure out what he meant. I may be slow, but I get there eventually. It took even longer to admit to myself that I could do what he meant. But I think I had always known what I would have to do and that, eventually, I would do it. My own unfounded terror held me back, almost to the point of losing Sally. But it was what I had to do, terror or no.

I knelt down beside Sally right there in the hallway by the front door. I took her hand and turned it palm up. I kissed it lovingly, knowing it would soon be causing me much pain. Then I placed the key to the dungeon in her hand. She closed her fist around it slowly. I think she thought I was rejecting that side of her, that I was closing that door.

Without a word to her, I put my wrists together in front me and presented them to her as if for binding. I bowed all the way down in front of her, my head to the ground. I stayed that way for a long time. I intended to stay that way until she released me.

I heard her gasp as she realized what I was doing. To her credit, she did not question if I was crazy. I would have had to say that I probably was at that exact moment. I heard her get up and leave, going down to the dungeon. After a time, she returned.

"I have to ask. Are you sure you want this?"

"Yes." I could barely talk for fear.

"Do you want a safe word?"

She had told me all about safe words, those escape clauses for submissives who weren't really sure of their Master or Mistress. Sally had never asked for one before she subjected herself to me, even with her fears. She'd had one with Gary, but he never honored it.

"No. You'll know," I said.

"You realize this may take some time," she said.

She bent and slipped a leather hood over my head. The only openings were for my nostrils and a zipper over my mouth. I was completely blind and deaf when wearing the hood. She laced it tightly behind my head, pulling the thick leather smooth and tight around my head. I heard a bit of static, then a "click" and her voice, tinny from the cheap speakers, was in my ears.

"Stand and strip."

I struggled to my feet, slightly disoriented by the hood. Pins and needles shot though my legs as the blood flow was re-established. I had been on my knees a long time. I had not groveled that much lately and wasn't used to the position. I took off my clothes and dropped them on the floor. I stood before her naked when I finished. I didn't know what to do with my hands and they kind of flopped around, very much like the limpness I was experiencing in another part of my body.

"What am I supposed to do, pick up after you? Fold them neatly!" I felt a sudden horrendous pain in my left buttock emphasized this last command. It was my first taste of what was to come and it was biting and bitter. I almost shit, but I was afraid I would have had to clean that up, too.

I jumped and hopped around trying to avoid any more blows. The zippered hood muffled the yelp I let out, but it was still loud in my ears. When the pain subsided, I bent to pick up my clothes. This was no easy task, as I had moved when I jumped around. My clothes were no longer in my immediate vicinity. I had to get down on my hands and knees and conduct a grid search of the hallway before I found the last sock. I suspect she was moving some of the clothes around, keeping them from me, as I would swear I had twice searched the area where I finally found the last piece hiding. Regardless, I retrieved them all and was able to place a neatly folded bundle before her feet. Or where I imagined her feet were.

"Stand."

I stood.

I felt a strap being placed around my penis, down by the base. It looped once between my penis and scrotum, then again behind my sac. A last strap bisected my sac in two, one nut on each side. Then the whole thing was tightened until I thought my balls would burst. I felt a click of metal on metal and then a firm tug on my balls, urging me forward. I nearly fell over.

"If you want to keep them attached, you had better learn to follow when I tug on your leash." A harder tug followed, and so did I, quickly, if a bit awkwardly.

We descended into the basement. I assumed we were headed for the dungeon. I was correct.

I felt my wrists wrapped tightly with what felt like stiff leather cuffs. Then they were lifted over my head. I strained, standing on my toes to keep in touch with the ground for as long as possible before I lost even that touch with reality. I felt her push against one side of me and my equilibrium went haywire. I was spinning with no points of reference. Vertigo set in quickly and I was totally disoriented. I vomited into the helmet and the fluid ran down between the mask and my face, dripping down my chest. The smell was awful.

An icy cold torrent of water beat against my body. She must have had a fire hose installed down there, there was so much water. She focused on my head and chest, rinsing away the vomit. I was torn between being thankful for the smell being gone and the terror of drowning in the hood. I also learned how to drink through my nose when this was going on, if involuntarily, something I would not suggest to anyone.

Then nothing happened. I mean it. She must have left the room. I just hung there by my wrists. I didn't know if I was still spinning or not. I had no recollection of time, other than my heartbeat. Under normal circumstances, I could estimate time by my regular resting pulse. I had always maintained a resting pulse of about 60. But these were not normal circumstances and my heart rate seemed faster than normal. I had no way of telling how long I hung there.

More time must have passed than I thought. The water I had ingested had worked its way through my system and was now ready to exit. I had to piss, but I couldn't. Call it pride, stubbornness or whatever I didn't want to urinate when I couldn't see where it was going. I don't think psychologists have ever figured out that peculiar fascination a man has with watching himself pee. It stays with a man from the time he is a little boy. Maybe it has to do with being able to write his name in the snow. I don't know. I just know I didn't want to let go while I was blinded. I focused on blocking out the urgent messages I was receiving from my bladder.

The first savage pain hit just below the back of my neck. It was a thin fiery strip of heat that stretched from one shoulder to the other. One end of the painful strip of fire curled into my armpit, as my arms were held over my head. The following blows descended slowly down my back, each one slightly lower than the previous one. I fought the pain, resisted giving in to it. I hated the pain, the whip. I began screaming when the first blows landed on the backs of my thighs. The pains continued. Not even the soles of my feet were spared that painful lash.