Chapter 8: Adrift

MONDAY, MAY 19, 2003, FRESHMAN YEAR

"I can't do this."

Such a simple phrase, four little words that individually are so common and mundane as to be irrelevant. But strung together, with the weight of Adrienne's emotions behind them, the phrase managed to wrap around my heart, squeeze until it simply collapsed, and left me a crushed and vacant shell of the man I used to be.

What does 'I can't do this' even mean? Did Adrienne mean 'I can't deal with these weighty emotions right now because it's finals but we'll talk about it at the end of the week'? Did she mean 'I love you but I'm not ready to take that next committed step in our relationship but I still want to be your casual girlfriend'?

Or did she mean 'The relationship is over; I'm dumping your overbearing ass and never talking to you again'?

I didn't know. I wasn't sure. And all I really knew was that I HURT inside. I hurt so much that I didn't even know how badly I hurt. It was as if my emotions — shocked so suddenly and so abruptly — merely shut down in self-defense. I felt cold and detached and ... nothing else.

Well, my kneecaps hurt. Kneeling on hardwood will do that to you. So I rocked back into a full squat, rubbing my knees before standing upright. Only then did I look around the room and notice that Dawn was still standing in the doorway, one hand covering her mouth in abject shock herself. She blinked several times as I simply started walking toward her.

At first, she removed her hand from her mouth to reach out to me, but I ignored her motion and simply walked past her and out into the hallway. I didn't need comforting right now. Robots don't need comforting. Robots can't feel. I simply wanted to verify that Adrienne was well and truly gone.

She was. The hallway was empty. The front door was closed.

But I wasn't alone. Dawn still stood right behind me. And crowding the entryway between the hallway and the living room were Paige, Ryan, Bert, and Robin. The four of them had been studying for finals, but now looked back at me with surprised expressions on their faces. Clearly, they'd seen a sobbing Adrienne hurry out the door with Grace holding her. And as one, the four of them studied me as if an explanation would come tumbling out of my lips.

None was forthcoming. Robots don't need to explain unless a direct question is asked of them. I simply nodded to myself in confirmation that Adrienne was gone, and then I turned back to my bedroom. Going into a catatonic shut-down right now seemed like a very good idea.

But just as I was turning about, Gwen stepped out of the bathroom and came to a dead stop, startled to find six people staring at her. Her mouth opened slightly and she quickly glanced around at all six of us, silently standing around the hallway. "Uh, what's going on?"

To this day, I'm not entirely sure why I did what I did next. I search back through my memory and wonder what processes of logic led me to that particular course of action, and I come up empty. Perhaps my brain had already shut off and I moved entirely on instinct. I simply reacted according to my nature.

And I am a sexual creature.

Without warning, I reached out and grabbed Gwen's arm, yanking her abruptly through my bedroom doorway and slamming the door shut before Dawn could even react. I'd flipped the lock and propelled the dirty-blonde babe over to my bed before she even realized what was happening to her, and had Gwen seated at the edge of the mattress by the time the urgent banging on the door began.

"Ben!" Dawn called, alarm in her voice. The sound of the doorknob being twisted soon followed.

"Ben! What's going on?" Paige's voice plaintively joined her.

"Ben, what's going on?" Gwen repeated, a note of fear creeping into her voice. I can only imagine what was going through her mind at that point. My face was impassive, my expression cold. But then she had no more time to react as I simply tackled her flat on her back across my bed and shoved my tongue into her mouth.

"MMPH!" Gwen grunted in surprise and at first, her lips fought to resist me. But then as my hands raced across her body, I felt her mouth go slack and accept my tongue while lightning bolts of pleasure shot through her. And her grunt turned into a soft, aroused moan. "Mmm..."

I was completely on autopilot. Completely absent of rational thought, I didn't bother to contemplate what I was doing or why I was doing it. I simply MOVED. My fingertips ran up the naked skin of her sides, pulling the hem of her polo shirt up her torso and out of the way. The sensations tickled her gently and caused her to spasm momentarily and tighten up her muscles. And while she was still in this tense state, my right hand slipped beneath her bra and pinched HARD onto her left nipple, the more sensitive one, causing her to squeak in pain and surprise.

While she was still squeaking, I bore down even harder with my mouth, forcefully pressing my lips into hers and shoving her head deeper into the mattress. Without words, I told her that she was mine. I owned her body. And she would submit beneath me. My right hand gripped her boob and pinched the nipple again while my left hand slid back down to her hips and deftly undid the clasp of her jeans. Once the jeans went slack around her waist, I slipped my hand beneath the band of her panties and slid my palm around her hip to cup her right asscheek. And then I mounted her body and ground the bulge in my own jeans against her crotch, crushing her beneath me while I once again imposed my will over hers with my mouth.

I'd only ever been with Gwen the one time, that Thanksgiving weekend when I gave Dawn to Ryan. But that was all the experience I needed. Her user manual was pretty simple, and I had all the procedures committed to memory. And after running my right thumb along the crease beneath her left breast and rubbing my left index finger through the valley of her butt-cleavage, I had her right where I wanted her as I slid off her body to lie beside the trembling girl.

Gwen let her head fall back as I moved my weight off her, gasping for oxygen and struggling to focus. Her mind was racing from the incredibly passionate kiss I'd just finished planting on her and even though I was no longer physically smothering her, my right hand was still stimulating her body. But she managed one tiny moment of clarity. "Ben!" she gasped. "What's going on?"

I didn't bother to answer. I was already shifting myself into a better position as my left hand came out from palming her ass, sliding around inside her panties until I once again was in front, my fingers rustling through her trimmed pubic hairs. All the little touches and caresses up until this point had been solely to stoke her arousal and get her just barely wet enough for what I wanted to do next. And without further ado, I plunged my middle finger between her slightly damp labia.

"Oh, SHIT!" Gwen threw her head back, her eyes popping WIDE open. Her dirty blonde hair had been growing out ever since I first met her, now practically a mane of elegantly done curls and waves that haloed around her head, longer than pretty much any other girl I knew. The mess of dark and blonde mixed together gave her a wild look. And her light brown eyes, accented by her dark mascara and heavy eyeshadow, made her look even wilder.

I nibbled on her neck, groped her tit, and plunged my finger in and out of her rapidly moistening pussy. Gwen panted and moaned in obvious heat despite being unceremoniously yanked into my bedroom just minutes before. My right hand was now racing across her body, unsnapping her bra and shoving both it and her shirt above her perky tits. I also tugged down at her jeans and thong panties, giving my left hand more room to maneuver. And then I abruptly pulled myself away from her neckline as I used both hands to jerk her bottoms off her legs in a single, smooth motion.

"Ben!" Gwen picked her head up as she found herself completely naked below her shoulders. A measure of clarity had returned once I no longer had a finger wriggling inside her pussy. And she held her hands up to me in a 'wait, wait' gesture. "Ben we can't do this! I'm a slut! Not a cheater!"

The word "cheater" was the first thing that stirred my brain from its self-imposed slumber. She was right. Gwen had a boyfriend now: Rick Rusedski. He was a nice enough guy. A little frat boy for my taste, but he was still Gwen's boyfriend. And I had his girlfriend naked before me.

Maybe I should have stopped then. But while my brain had awoken, it was not yet in control of my body. I simply stared at the pretty girl, seeing the indecision on her face as I crawled between her legs and gripped her thighs in my hands. All year, Gwen had been begging me for an encore to what she termed "the greatest sexual experience of her life". Now, she was about to get it.

So I left the decision up to her. "You wanna stop? Just say 'stop'," I said gruffly. Then I pulled apart her thighs and ducked my head a little lower. Exhaling straight onto her pussy, I waited to the count of three.

One...

Two...

Three...

She didn't say 'stop'. So I stuck out my tongue and swiped it along Gwen's slit from base to clit. She shuddered, shivered, and moaned.

And then I fucked the shit out of her.

"Unnnghhh..." Gwen groaned, her eyebrows furrowing. She lay on her side, right cheek pressed into the mattress, an obvious dark spot of wetness radiating out from her mouth where she'd been drooling for the past ten minutes. Her dirty- blonde hair was still a mess, her sweaty bangs now sticking to her forehead. Her eyes were pinched shut and she whimpered constantly while I continued sawing in and out of her sopping wet pussy.

I was currently straddling Gwen's right leg as I fucked her. Her left knee was bent back to her own belly, propping her on her side while I drilled myself in and out of her body. Her light skin was flush with heat and moisture, now slightly pink. Her asscheeks were even redder from where I'd been repeatedly spanking her. Save for the blonde's whimpering, the only sound in the room was that of her twice cum-filled pussy squishing audibly with my every stroke.

And I was about to fill her for a third time.

She'd already gone limp. Gwen was completely exhausted, having endured more orgasms than I could count. There was no tenderness to our fucking. I simply drove her up and over the proverbial wall again and again without mercy or consideration. I didn't make her cum to make her happy. I made her cum for the visceral self-satisfaction of making the poor girl go so far beyond her limits. I'd made her pass out once before, that first fuck a year and a half ago. I could have done it again an hour ago. But some dark, twisted part of me enjoyed stringing her along, keeping her on the brink of unconsciousness at the razor's edge between pleasure and oblivion.

But now as I felt my third ejaculation building up inside me, I decided to get it over with. I hadn't taken my cock completely out of her cunt even once for this entire session, squirting her full of jism twice and continuing to rut inside her until I got hard again. But even in my cold, robotic mode, I was tiring.

So my left hand moved away from her swaying breast and down to her pussy. I grazed my fingertips lightly over her already abused clit, tickling the protruding love button so that the sensations would be impossible to ignore.

Even exhausted, Gwen twitched and wriggled as she felt the direct stimulation, her whimpering turning back into desperate moans. "Please..." she groaned, not finishing the sentence. What did she mean? 'Please make me cum', perhaps? She might even be pleading, 'Please just make it all stop; I can't handle any more'.

I was about to do both, anyways. I teased her clit until her breathing shortened into staccato, gasping bursts. Gwen hyperventilated as the overwhelming sensations flooded her mind; and I watched her neck contorting as mixed pain and pleasure wracked her body. For over and hour and a half straight, I'd manipulated her body like a marionette, making her cum when and how I wanted. And now I would finally finish her off.

Her gasps sped up until she couldn't possibly breathe any faster, and just as I sensed her reaching her zenith, I clamped my left hand over her mouth and nostrils, suffocating her briefly. At the same time, I rammed my cock in and out of her cunt at a rapid pace while popping my right index finger into her clenched asshole. And deprived of oxygen and overstimulated by the pain and my finger up her butt, Gwen exploded. Her whole body jerked, her spine bending as she arched backwards. With my hand still covering her nose and mouth, I used her body as leverage to lunge my cock to maximum depth inside her cunt. And then I held her there, smothered beneath my heavy weight, unable to move or breathe while the orgasm literally sent her into a seizure.

After about fifteen seconds of this, her eyes rolled up into her head as she passed out. Gwen's body curled up and went totally limp; and I dropped my hands away, planting my palms on the mattress to support myself while I felt my dickhead expand and begin spitting out my third batch of semen into her now- unconscious body. She was utterly motionless, except for her still clenching and spasming cunt, now so overloaded with both her own and my orgasmic fluids that her pussy muscles started squirting juices out of our joining to soak both her and my thighs.

When I was done, and only when I was done, I finally rolled off her and flat onto my back, panting heavily with my own exertion. I left Gwen a puddle of orgasmic goo beside me, curled in a fetal position and comatose with her still twitching pussy squirting out more and more mingled spunk.

And then I surrendered to unconsciousness myself.

I woke up with my eyes still closed, but somehow I knew exactly where I was and who I was with.

I was buck naked in my room, lying flat on my back on my own bed. My head was currently in the warm lap of a beautiful girl. And she was tenderly stroking my hair back from my forehead and along my scalp.

I stiffened slightly as I came awake, and her soothing hand stroked deeper and more firmly, calming me. I realized that I was cocooned beneath my blankets, which covered my nudity and kept me warm. And still with my eyes closed, I exhaled slowly before asking, "What time is it, Dawn?"

My best friend's sweet voice answered, "Almost nine. PM. You've been asleep for more than two hours."

Slowly, I cracked my eyelids open and blinked as Dawn's pretty face came into focus. She had changed and showered since I last saw her, now wearing a baggy T-shirt with no bra and her hair held back in a simple ponytail, more functional than stylish. And her crystal blue eyes looked down on me with nothing but love, warmth, and understanding.

Recognizing these emotions, I realized that my brain was once again active and in control of my body. And with that activity came the memories of Adrienne walking out, as well as of what I'd done to Gwen. Not "with" Gwen. "To" Gwen.

"Where's Gwen?" I asked, my tongue still feeling a little thick.

Dawn's eyebrows rose, but she nodded. "She woke up about twenty minutes ago and let us in. Bert and Robin took her back to the dorms."

I nodded and exhaled slowly. Then wincing, I stared my friend in her eyes and asked, "Does she hate me?"

Dawn arched an eyebrow at my question. She thought about it for a moment before answering. "Well ... she's confused. She's exhausted. Bert practically had to carry her out the door. But no, I don't think she hates you."

I exhaled in relief and closed my eyes. "Okay..."

"Why'd you do it?" Dawn asked softly.

Slowly, I cracked my eyes opened again. "What? Fuck her?"

Dawn nodded.

I shook my head, both hearing and feeling the friction of my hair in her lap. "I don't know. It's all kind of a haze." And then I sighed before zeroing in on my last really clear memory. It was that of Adrienne walking away. I flashed my gaze up to Dawn's eyes again and asked hesitantly. "Did ... did Adrienne come back?"

I saw the answer in Dawn's eyes. She looked so sad and sympathetic for me that I felt my heart cracking anew. My lips quivered and I felt like breaking down into tears again. She was gone. My girlfriend ... my love ... was gone. She'd walked away from me. And somehow I knew this wasn't just a simple fight where everything would be fine in the morning. My relationship with Adrienne — at least the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship — was over.

Just as I started whimpering on the path to full-blown sobbing, Dawn held both my cheeks and stared down at me. "Hey!"

It was sudden enough that my attempt at sobbing like a little baby was stopped before I really got started. I opened my eyes and looked at her in confusion.

"You want something to eat?" Dawn asked flippantly. "We ordered pizza and there're plenty of leftovers."

I winced and then shook my head. Food was not interesting to me right now. But her little shock worked; while still sad, I didn't feel like crying anymore.

Dawn nodded in understanding and went back to stroking my forehead. I sighed and closed my eyes again, wanting to just melt into her lap and make the world go away. But a male voice cleared his throat. "Ahem."

I opened my eyes and looked over. Ryan was standing in the open doorway, one arm leaning against the frame. He too, was dressed to stay in tonight. Most of the time he went home, but this looked like a night when he was sleeping over in Dawn's room. "You coming back out?"

Dawn glanced down at me, clearly torn. I reached up and grabbed her hand, holding it tightly. "Don't leave me," I pleaded. "Not right now."

Dawn sighed and glanced back up at her boyfriend. I kept my gaze on her face as she softened her eyes and told him, "Not right now. Okay?"

Ryan exhaled, a slight note of frustration in the sound. He understood that I was hurting, and it wasn't like Dawn and I were getting naked behind a locked door. But the guy would forever wonder if when push came to shove, whether his girlfriend would choose him or me. Still, he walked away. And Dawn went back to stroking my hair.

I never did get up to go get something to eat.

And Dawn never went back to her bedroom.

TUESDAY, MAY 20, 2003, FRESHMAN YEAR

The clock read 7:05am when my eyes fluttered open. I didn't need to move to see the digital readout; it was in my line of sight just past Dawn's right ear. My arms instinctively tightened as the tingling sensation of awareness spread throughout my body, and I realized that not only was my morning wood pressed into Dawn's panty-clad asscrack, but I was also cupping a very round, very firm breast with only a thin cotton layer between my hand and her bare skin.

Reflexively, my hand squeezed the boob and Dawn moaned lightly. My mind was a blank slate. I'd been so exhausted that I slept deeply and soundly throughout the night, a dreamless sleep that was entirely about recovery. I didn't know where I was or why. But I knew I was holding Dawn — my Dawn — in my arms and nothing else mattered.

I continued rubbing Dawn's breast until I heard the barely noticeable change in her breathing. I stopped rubbing just then, but Dawn began taking longer and deeper breaths, and presently she began turning her head towards me. And as the morning light shone down brilliantly on her angelic face, my stunningly beautiful soulmate lit up in a wide smile and said happily, "Mmm ... morning, Ben!"

"Hi..." I smiled happily and squeezed her a little tighter, my hand idly rubbing her breast as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I dipped my face toward hers, puckering my lips as she closed her eyes and moved in to meet me.

And then awareness seemed to hit the both of us at the same time. My eyes popped open and I jerked my hand away. Dawn's eyes popped open and she backed away from me.

"Oh, Dawn, Dawn. I'm so sorry," I muttered. I realized I was still buck naked beneath the blankets, my erection rubbing against her butt, that part of her asscheek uncovered by her thong panties.

"No, no. It's okay. Not your fault," she flustered and checked her shirt to tug it down around her waist while rolling her ass away from my cock.

"It is. It is. I'm so sorry."

"No, it's okay. It's nobody's fault," Dawn sighed. And after futzing around with her clothes for another few seconds, my best friend nervously looked over at me as she sat up in bed, the blankets falling down around her lap.

Just then, Brandi appeared at the open doorway, a steaming mug of coffee in her hands. "Figures." My older sister smirked. "One amazingly gorgeous blonde breaks up with you, so you drag another pretty blonde into your bedroom and fuck her brains out. And then you spend the night cuddling with a third hot blonde."

Dawn blushed and looked down before slipping out of the bed. "I'd better go do damage control with Ryan."

I sat up, keeping the blankets covering my lap while wrapping my arms around my legs. I nodded to my best friend. "I'm sorry about all this."

"No, don't be." Dawn shook her head. "I was right where I needed to be — where I wanted to be — last night."

I managed a smile, despite the melancholic thoughts of Adrienne that were coming back into mind. "Thanks, Dawn. Really."

My best friend smiled and nodded. Then she headed out of the room.

Once Dawn was gone, I leaned back against the headboard and sighed. Brandi took the opportunity to enter into the room, close the door behind her, and slide onto the bed beside me, coffee mug and all. She sat on top of the covers. "How are you holding up?"

"What? With Adrienne?" I asked with my eyes still closed and my head tilted back.

Brandi nodded. Well, I think she nodded. In any case, I answered. "I dunno. I don't think it's sunk in yet. I don't feel ... anything ... really."

"Well, you've been keeping yourself pretty distracted since then." Brandi chuckled.

I shrugged. "How do I look like I'm holding up?"

"Honestly?" Brandi smiled and I cracked my eyes open in time to see the typical family eyebrow arch. "You look just fine. If Matt had walked out on me in the middle of Finals Week, I'd be a sobbing mess on the floor."

"You missed it. That was me last night."

"Wasn't for long from what Dawn told me. She said you picked yourself up, walked straight out the door, and then grabbed Gwen to fuck the poor girl's brains out."

I winced and sighed. "Yeah. I'm still not exactly sure how that all happened. I was kind of mentally checked out at the time."

"Checked out?" Brandi snorted. "If that's how you fuck when you're mentally checked out, I need to find a way to put you in that state the next time I need some stress relief. Gwen sounded like she was being murdered in here ... in a very good way. Dayna and I couldn't study worth a damn upstairs so we came down to join the party camped out in the living room to listen."

I winced. "You guys were camped out in the living room?"

My sister nodded, a smirk on her face. But then her expression changed. "Uh, Paige wasn't too happy about it though."

My shoulders sagged. I'd forgotten for the moment about my other girlfriend. "She pissed at me?"

"Jealous more like it. She declared more than once, and I quote, that it was supposed to be HER job to be the sacrificial lamb at your altar of lustful vengeance."

I smirked at the biblical undertones in the phrasing. Then, unexpectedly, the weight of Adrienne's leaving suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks and I promptly keeled over onto my side, grimacing in obvious pain as the desire to bawl like a newborn baby overwhelmed me.

"Eep!" Brandi shrieked as I toppled toward her, just barely managing not to spill her coffee.

I was on my side in a fetal position now, my eyes wide open and staring blankly at nothing. "She's really gone, isn't she?"

"I don't know," Brandi replied honestly. "I wasn't there."

"She's gone," I stated. "I know it. I mean, she's coming back here, obviously. All her stuff is here. But the relationship is over."

"You don't know that. Couples have fights and misunderstandings all the time," Brandi said reassuringly. "I've seen you and Adrienne together, Ben. You two LOVE each other. That girl absolutely worships the ground you walk on and she would like nothing better than to be in your orbit for the rest of her life. She NEEDS you in her life."

I sighed. I heard the ring of truth in what Brandi was saying, but as I stopped and thought about it, I finally realized what Adrienne had meant when she said 'I can't do this'. Yeah, Adrienne wanted me to be in her life, but I'd pushed her beyond what she could handle right now. The signs were all there before, but I'd ignored them and just plowed ahead with my own vision of the future. I'd promised I would never push her too far, and then I went ahead and did it anyways. And taking a deep breath, I winced and started rocking slightly on the bed, trembling as the weight of my great mistake came crashing over me.

"Ben, what is it?" My sister put her hand on my shoulder to try and calm me.

"I scared her away," I whimpered.

"Scared her? How?"

I went dead still, eyes staring blankly at the abyss before me. And I quietly answered, "I asked her to be my wife."

Brandi got me to explain what I meant about asking Adrienne to be my wife. I told her about all my talk of settling down and getting married and raising a family. Meanwhile, Adrienne waffled on whether she ever wanted to get married and told me how she had no intention of ever having kids. I told Brandi about Adrienne questioning her sexuality and how she'd always been more attracted to girls than guys. And I told her about the promise ring. True, I hadn't actually asked Adrienne to marry me right then and there, but I HAD more or less asked her to start down that path with me.

With all of Adrienne's commitment issues, the gold band sliding around her finger must have felt like a prison chain.

Brandi summed it up. "Adrienne doesn't want to settle down with you, Ben. That girl adores you, but she's not the settling down type. Not right now at least. She's too ... well... unsettled."

I sighed. I knew it. Dawn had known it last night, but since the whole thing hadn't blown up in my face yet, she hadn't said anything at the time. And even afterwards, Dawn was too good to me to ever say 'I told you so'.

But now Brandi was blunt enough for the both of them. "You're such a moron, Ben. How did you not know? When has Adrienne ever given you a signal that she wanted to settle down with you?"

"She told me she'd love me forever and always," I ventured plaintively.

"I'll love you forever and always. That doesn't mean I want to settle down with you." Brandi rolled her eyes. "She was your girlfriend. She enjoyed being your girlfriend. But it wasn't supposed to last forever."

"Why not?" I whimpered. I clung desperately to the fantasy of being happily ever after with Adrienne. "She promised 'forever'."

Brandi sighed. "Wake up, kiddo. You're eighteen. You're a freshman in college. What the hell do you know about 'forever'? And haven't you been paying attention to the way your girlfriend IS, not the way you might wish her to be?"

I just winced and ducked my head while my big sister went and pointed out all the little things Adrienne did to show me that she didn't want that kind of permanent commitment. I just kept my eyes closed and absorbed each verbal insight like they were body blows to my mid-section.

In the end, I was exhausted. I was hungry. And my head was spinning. What if I hadn't given Adrienne the ring? What if I'd been less needy and let her explore her relationship with Grace more freely? Was it all a waste of time anyways if Adrienne didn't want the same things as me in the future? Was I just blind and rushing things since we'd only really been "together" for a year?

All of these things raced through my mind, so fast and so hard that I couldn't think straight and my skull was starting to throb. And once again, I felt myself slipping away into catatonia, staring blankly as I contemplated the nature of my existence.

"Ben?" Brandi asked after a while, realizing that I was no longer responsive. My brain had become such a mess that I just ignored her and kept on thinking and thinking and thinking.

"Ben?" she asked again, this time waving her hand in front of my eyes. Still I ignored her.

But Brandi wasn't about to passively let me retreat into my own little world. My sister huffed once in annoyance and then reached forward, physically rolling me and rolling me until I went right off the end of the bed, coming out naked from underneath the blankets and falling onto the floor in a messy heap.

"Oww!" I only woke up when I realized how much it hurt to fall without cushioning yourself.