Chapter 37: Seeing Stars

The drive to the airport was quiet. I was in the front, driving, and Charlotte and Amy were in the back seat. Amy was resting her head on Charlotte's arm, and just staring out the window, watching the city pass by. Charlotte was just staring down at the back of the passenger seat, lost in a world of her own. It was deathly quiet in there, and the luxury car we were driving, with sound-proofed interiors, made it even more so.

"Anyone care to hear the radio?" I asked.

Neither of them answered, so I left it off.

We drove on in silence for a while more. Finally Amy spoke.

"So we're going out for dinner straight from the airport?"

"Usually. It's like this special family time we have to celebrate new business deals, make up for time away from each other. Mom and dad travel first class so they're not usually too burned out from the flight."

"Oh."

"Getting' more and more excited, Aims?"

"I was just wondering what to say about me and Anthony. Will Anthony get in trouble if they find out what happened?"

"Probably not. Mom and dad are pretty easy-going about stuff like that. And they like Anthony. They trust him. They know he wouldn't take advantage of you or hurt you in any way."

"Oh. Good."

"But if you'd feel better just not saying anything about it, I won't mention it."

"I'd just wanna get to know them better first I guess."

"Yeah."

"So what do I call him? Mr. Lawsen? Father? Dad? Ron? This feels so strange."

"Just go with your feelings. Just be Amy."

"In this case, I don't know who Amy is. She's never had a dad to have to decide these things. What do you call him?"

"I call him dad, daddy, dadsie, sometimes papa. When he's frustrating me, I call him father."

"What's he like when he's mad? Is it scary?"

"He very rarely gets mad at me or mom. When he's mad about business, it doesn't bother me much. He just gets all quiet and intense. Then mom usually blows him, quiets him down, and he comes back grinning."

"Blows him?"

"Um, you know ... goes down on him, gives him head, performs oral sex, bobs on his knob. It's what women do with their men."

"I know. I just didn't expect you to be so casual about it. You talk about it like it's holding hands, or a kiss on the cheek, or something."

"You'll find you have a lot of adjusting to do with our family. The things you used to think were all gross and perverted are pretty much a common occurrence around our house. You'll get used to it though."

"Doesn't sound like I have much choice."

"Just don't judge. That's all," Charlotte explained. "Just because you're not used to it, doesn't mean it's wrong. Sex is a beautiful expression of love. That cliché was never more true than around our house. There's nothing sick or dirty about anything they do. They're willing adults, and the only thing dirty about it is the judgementalness some people throw at them."

"Judgementalness?"

"We had a maid once that took offense to them walking around naked, stopping to grope, cuddle, orally pleasure one another on a passing whim. She reported it to her boss and made a big fuss. She almost got the press involved. She even suggested that I was being sexually abused by being exposed to such behavior. Dad's lawyer is super smart. He had the company on their knees within hours, and the only way they escaped a career-ending lawsuit was by firing the maid in question and making sure she never worked for them again. That was one of the few times I've actually seen mom angry. She never gets mad. She was mad then though, because this crusty old bitch was attacking her motherhood."

"Wow," Amy said.

"The press did come sniffing around a bit after that, but dad's got friends in the media, and he makes sure no one ever makes a dime off of any pictures or negative stories about us, so even the freelance reporters don't bother with us. For the most part, as far as the tabloid media is concerned, we don't even exist."

"But what if you like, showed up drunk at school or something?"

"I'm not allowed to drink outside our four walls until I've graduated from college. It's a deal I have with dad, and so far, except for a glass of wine with Anthony, I've honored it. And if I have been drinking, I'm not allowed to leave the house."

"Until you finish college? That could take years."

"Booze is no big deal. I don't need it. Even mom and dad rarely touch the stuff. I've only ever seen dad drunk once, and mom holds her liquor like a champion; I've never seen her more than a little giggly. They drink when they do for the flavor of it, for the sensuality of the beverage, not for the alcohol."

"Has your mom ever been mad at you?"

"She was plenty pissed off when I got my tattoo. I didn't bother to tell her. I just went out and did it on a whim. She doesn't approve of tattoos. She said I might as well have cut my ear off, mutilating my body like that. She said tattoos make a woman look whorish. Kind of ironic for a woman in her line of work, but what can you say? I just think it's pretty."

"What does your mom do?"

Charlotte stopped, suddenly surprised, caught off guard by the idea that Amy still didn't really know what the Lawsens' do for a living.

"Um ... I thought you knew."

"It has something to do with movies, right? Is she like an actress?"

"Yeah, something like that. I guess you could say. I seriously thought you knew!"

"I've never seen her in any movies. Is she famous?"

"Yes, in a way."

"What way?" Amy looked up at me watching her in the rear view mirror. Then she looked back at Charlotte.

Charlotte was struck dumb, not knowing how to explain it. Amy kept looking back and forth between us, shaking her head, confused, pouting cutely from behind the last strand of her innocence.

"Amy, do you remember those movies you were watching in the Lawsens' bedroom?" I said.

Amy nodded, still not putting two and two together. She was a sharp kid, but there were apparently some things a mind didn't want to know.

"Well, that's sort of how Mrs. Lawsen is famous. She, um, performs ... in those movies."

Amy's eyes widened, then widened more, then blinked hard, then her mouth opened, then she turned her head as though slapped in super slow motion, then her hand went to her mouth. Charlotte sat silently, watching the realization dawn on her little sister.

"So this is why judgementalness is a bad thing around our house," older sister said.

"The cameras, the drawers full of porn, the studio..."

"All makes sense now?" Charlotte finished for her.

Amy just stared out the window some more, dropping her head back onto the seat.

"Dad's in them too? He's sleeping with-"

"No, no. Dad's like the director, he's the one who puts it all together, kind of like Sheila did with our movie. People call him the Spielberg of porn. He's top quality."

"And they make these things right in the house, right in front of you?"

"Yeah..."

Amy stared some more, still stunned. That invisible slap apparently packed quite a wallop.

"And now you've made your own. So I guess it's old news to you by now."

"Pretty much."

"Well ... Whoa ... That's..."

"Think whatever you want, Aims, but like I said, you gotta get over the idea that it's dirty, wrong, bad, or whatever. It's not. It's beautiful, sexy, fun, thrilling sometimes, and mom and dad love each other more than life itself-"

"Wait, wait, wait! Was my mom ever ... was that how... ?"

You could see the horror on her face. It was almost frightening.

"I honestly don't know," Charlotte said. "I'm guessing if she raised you the way she has, probably not. She may have been just a business contact that they got close to at some point. I don't know. You'd have to ask dad."

"Sorry you had to find out about this now, Aims," I said. "I know this is all hard enough on you, and here you are about to meet your dad for the first time."

"At least now I know the truth. He's seeing the real me. I'm seeing the real him."

"He wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I just honestly thought someone had told you at some point."

"No..."

And we drove on in silence the rest of the way, except now Charlotte was hugging Amy in a warm comforting embrace.

I parked the car in the lot and we sat for a moment, finishing our conversation before heading in.

"So how do you feel, sis? Are you okay?"

"I feel kinda numb actually. The more I think about it, I'm not really surprised at all. I'm just kind of numb."

"Think you can get used to the idea though?"

"I don't know. I don't really have a choice."

"Think of it this way, Aims. This is how I first got used to the idea when Charlotte first told me about it. She's the same girl she was five minutes ago, cool, beautiful, loving, affectionate, encouraging. Except now you just know more about why she's like that. Nothing's changed, except in your own mind."

"Still love me, Aims?" Charlotte said, looking a little wet-eyed. "I can't change who I am. All I can do is love mom and dad and thank them for the beautiful life I have. It doesn't make me a worse person. It doesn't make you a worse person. It doesn't even make them worse people. It's just ... different."

"For my part," I said, "I adore the Lawsens. They're like the coolest people I've ever met, and the more I got to know them, the more I realized that Charlotte was cool because of them. They created the girl I love."

"I know it's gonna take some getting used to, Amy. No one's saying it's normal. But you never met two more loving people in all the-"

"It's okay," Amy said, interrupting her. "You don't have to explain. I understand. I just gotta think for a minute."

We let her think. Charlotte stared at me in silence. I could see the worry in her eyes, the insecurity. I could see that she needed Amy to accept the Lawsens. I could see that she felt the years of pretending to be confident and secure crashing down around her all over again. She wasn't really so sure it was perfectly fine and acceptable, not in the deepest part of her heart. In the deepest part of her heart, there was a constant battle. I could see it now, clearly as I saw the tear threatening to spill from her eye. I loved her so much I wanted to tackle her with hugs. But I just stared in silence.

I understood something else too in that instant: that if Charlotte was this unsure deep down inside, how much more were Ron and Stephanie about their raising of her? That story about the maid must really have affected Stephanie deeply. Charlotte wasn't kidding when she'd said her mom had been mad. When shaky foundations are shaken, dragons awaken.

It was also in that moment that I realized I loved Stephanie too, and Ron by association. They really had done a beautiful job by Charlotte. No amount of money could buy their daughter's respect, love, and admiration, yet they had it. Charlotte wasn't some drunken rich brat, stumbling around from club to club, snorting coke and talking trash about her cold and distant workaholic parents. She was loved, and she loved them. I don't think she even knew how much.

"Okay," Amy said. "I accept that they do what they do, that they're successful at it. It's not a bad thing, not dirty, nasty, slutty, or whatever. It hasn't harmed you in any serious way. You're a beautiful, smart, sexy person that only a few hours ago I was longing to even come close to in coolness. And Anthony loves you too. And he's not stupid. So I guess everything's okay. I just gotta get used to it."

"That's awesome, Aims!" Charlotte said, and a flood of tears that I'd barely begun to understand spilled from her eyes.

"But!" Amy continued.

"But?" Charlotte asked.

"But I can't promise I won't freak out and run away if someone starts sucking my dad's dick right in front of me. That's just gonna mess with my head and there's nothing I can do about it."

Charlotte smiled, content with that.

"I'm so used to it, I actually have to stop and imagine how strange that must be for other families where that doesn't happen on a regular basis. I guess that would be really bizarre."

"In any case, Aims," I said, "I think Ron and Steph are smart enough to know where you're at and they're not gonna do anything crazy. They're not about shocking people just for the sake of it."

Then I changed gears.

"I think, if they had anything to prove, anything at all, if I know them like I think I do, I think they'd just want people to understand how beautiful an open and healthy sex life can be, that guilt and shame are the real perversions in our society, and that it's really all about love, and showing love, and expressing love. That's what they're all about, if I know them like I think I do."

"Anthony's exactly right," Charlotte said, still weeping openly. "I have to remind myself of that sometimes. Like, when I get worrying what people would think of us if they knew the whole truth. I have to remind myself that it's a beautiful thing, something I hope to share with Anthony one day, in our home, when we have one. I've had plenty to worry about my entire life, but the one fear that's never even entered my mind for a moment, is that my parents might break up, and our family would fall apart. I don't think you'll ever understand how beautiful that is, how rare and beautiful a gift that is to give a child, the security of knowing that everything's gonna be okay between your parents until the day they die. So let society judge them. They're the best parents on earth as far as I'm concerned."

Amy stared at Charlotte. I stared at Amy. They both looked amazingly beautiful. I wanted to kiss them both. I also wanted to kiss Stephanie. My every thought of her was that she was the most wonderful woman alive. I was lucky to even know her.

"Whoa! Crap! We gotta get in there!" I said. "5:15 here!"

Their flight arrived at 5:20.

Charlotte quickly dried her tears and touched up her make up. We got out, locked the car and headed into the terminal. A few moments later we were at the arrival gate, waiting for them to come off the plane.

It was like a dream, to be honest. It was all surreal. We saw people begin flowing out of the jet way corridor, but none of them were the Lawsens. Then suddenly there they were, hand in hand, holding a bag each, scanning around for us. Stephanie pointed, then touched her hand to her mouth. I saw her mouth the words "Look, Ron! There she is! Oh my god!"

Amy was shaking. I knew she was because she was holding my hand with all her strength. Her palm was sweaty. Her breathing was ragged. I gave her hand a squeeze, glanced over at Charlotte, and then at Amy. They both looked like they would bust out bawling like babies at any moment.

The Lawsens came down the escalator and walked toward us. It seemed like it was in slow motion too. I kept blinking hard; it seemed to take 20 minutes for them to get there.