Chapter 3

Ben stood at his stove shaking a saucepan on a burner. He heard a knock at his door. "It's open," he yelled.

Molly stepped in, closed and bolted his door and set down her bag. "Popcorn ... smells good. Why not microwave?"

"I think it tastes better made the old-fashioned way." The sound of popping in his kettle reached a crescendo and then tapered off to random bursts. He switched off the burner and dumped the contents into a bowl. A couple of random kernels exploded and flew in opposite directions. "Did you bring a movie?"

"I did," she replied.

"Let's see."

She retrieved a slim box from her bag and showed it to him. "Fire -- a film by Deepa Metha," he read from the box. "I've never heard of it."

"It's an Indian film about a lesbian relationship between a woman and her mother-in-law ... set in a very repressive society."

"Where did you find this?"

"I read about it in Roger Ebert's column years ago. Every Christmas my office has a rummage sale with proceeds going to charity. I saw it and bought it for a couple bucks."

"Have you watched it?"

"Once, but I thought I'd like to see it on a big screen. It's in English -- mostly -- so it's not a difficult film to watch. And, I thought it was the sort of thing you might enjoy. I think your tastes run toward the eclectic."

"My tastes make Olympic-record sprints toward the eclectic," he replied.

"This film was so controversial in India that theaters showing it were trashed by right-wing zealots."

"Ah, yes -- to make it go away by simply suppressing dialogue about it." He carried the bowl of popcorn into his living room and set it on the sofa table. Molly pried the disc from its holder and Ben placed it in his player. "So, are you still on for Friday?"

"Oh, yes. Brittney called me on Sunday and we had a long conversation. She sent me some pictures of herself..." Molly looked at Ben and bit her lip. Her eyes grew wide. " ... in lingerie."

"Oh? Any you can share?" He sat beside her on his sofa.

"Ummm ... She took her cell from her bag and flipped it open. "This one isn't too risqué..." She held the phone for him to see the screen.

"She's a cute girl, Molly. So, she stood before a full-length mirror and used her phone camera. I told you -- you like what I like and I like what you like..."

"Do you think she's hot?"

"I think she's cute."

"I knew she had a nice figure seeing her in her waitressing costume. They all wear a uniform -- white blouse and black slacks. She looks good in those clothes. Her pictures confirmed what I suspected: She has nice legs -- nicer than mine."

"Molly -- I think you have very pretty legs."

"With my heavy thighs and thick calves?"

"Your legs are shapely..."

"Shapely -- right. You just try to find me a pair of tall boots I can actually zip."

" ... and they match the rest of you."

"Yeah, I know -- I'm ... chunky."

"You're soft and you have curves like a woman should have. I know these days thin is in, but I don't care for the anorexic look. I think you're beautiful, Molly. Have you ever seen Hitchcock's Vertigo?"

"Maybe on TV years ago."

"We'll screen it next week -- it's my pick. I want you to take a good look at Kim Novak. In 1958 she was considered a sex symbol. Today, she wouldn't land a role -- she'd be told she needs to lose thirty or forty pounds."

"I'd love to lose twenty..."

"You are not overweight, Molly. I think Kim's hot and you're built like she is ... was."

"Do you really think I'm hot, Ben?"

"If you were any hotter, you'd leave a scorch mark on my sofa." Molly smiled and suppressed a laugh. "And, you have a pretty smile. What did you two talk about?"

"Well -- what to have for dinner on Friday. We decided on Chinese carryout. And, we talked about how difficult it is to meet people. Brittney isn't into the bar and club scene, either. She said she waffled for days before putting that Post-it on my bill. So, I feel better knowing I'm not the only one in that boat."

"Everyone's in that boat, Molly," he replied. "I think once you leave college -- if you're not attached to someone by then, it can be rough."

"She said she was thrilled when she realized one of her regular customers was a gay woman. I asked her how she knew, and she said I pinged pretty high on her gaydar." She glanced at his face. "Did you think I was gay?"

"I hadn't a clue 'til you told me."

"How do think she knew? I can't look at someone and tell."

"Molly -- can you sense when some guy is checking you out?"

"Oh, yes, I can feel it and it creeps me out. I feel like some fawn being sized up by a leopard."

"When you went to her sandwich shop -- were you checking her out?"

She bit her lip and nodded. "She's just the sort of girl I find attractive."

"Maybe she sensed that from you."

"Maybe..." Ben pulled the cord to retract the drapes covering his screen. He turned off the room lights and switched the lamp on the end table low. "Brittney also told me her last relationship ended eighteen months ago and it's been a drought ever since. I told her it's been six years for me. She said she hopes she can give me an experience worth a six-year wait."

Ben smiled. "Any hint on what that experience might be?"

"No ... But it does raise my level of expectation. Oh, Ben -- I'm as giddy as a virgin looking forward to Prom night. I hope I'm not making a fool of myself."

"If this works out, I'll be delighted for you." Ben pressed the Play button on his remote control and began fast-forwarding through trailers until he found the main menu. He selected Play Movie and pressed Enter. The film started. He picked up a handful of popcorn and tossed some into his mouth.

"Ben..."

"What?"

"I've been thinking about our talk from Saturday -- about what you said about your experience with your old classmate, Kevin."

Ben pressed the Stop key on his remote. The image on the screen was replaced with intense blue. "What about it?"

"I remember you said if you had more courage or initiative your life might've followed a different path. Do you really think -- if you had gay sex with Kevin that you might not be straight today?"

"Molly -- that's really hard for me to analyze. I'd need to turn back over fifteen years of experience."

"Knowing what you know today, if you could have Kevin ... as he was when you knew him ... and if the feeling were mutual ... could you have a gay relationship with him?"

"Honestly?"

"Honestly," she replied. Ben looked at the ceiling. "Please, no defensive shields. I really need to know."

"Why?"

"Because -- I'm still trying to understand myself and maybe your answer will help me."

"You want me to say, yes -- don't you?"

She nodded. "It would make me feel better about myself. I really have struggled with who I am. I mean ... now I am comfortable with myself. But, for years I wasn't."

"Well -- the answer is yes, I would."

"Really? You're not just saying it?"

"No -- really. Of course, knowing what I know now, if I could have him today, as he was back then, I'd also be arrested -- because I'd be buggering a fourteen- year-old boy."

She made a playful swat at him. "Oh, Ben!"

"I do understand what you're getting at." He picked up another handful of popcorn from the bowl.

"I feel the same sort of thing," she continued. "I was thinking -- the rape really did turn me off boys. If that hadn't happened ... maybe I would've ... tried a relationship with one of the boys I knew in high school. There were several who seemed to really like me ... and I liked them, but I just couldn't get past the fact that they were..."

"Males?"

She nodded. "Exactly. You truly are the first man I've ever connected with -- the first one who's ever really made me feel comfortable. It does make me wonder."

"Wonder what?" he asked and tossed more popcorn into his mouth.

"What sex with you would be like." Ben gulped and coughed. He plugged one nostril and then the other, inhaling sharply. "Are you okay?"

"Your question blindsided me," he replied, "and I think I blew a popcorn husk up into my nasal cavity." He inhaled again and coughed. "Are you suggesting we..."

"I'm saying I'm curious and you're the only man I've ever met who hasn't frightened me away. You said you thought I was hot."

"Oh, Molly -- you are a perfectly beautiful specimen of the female of the species. I couldn't ask for a prettier or sexier girl. If we had met in some bar and hit it off and agreed to engage in casual sex -- I would in a heartbeat."

"Have you done that sort of thing?"

"A couple times -- not many. The point is..." He looked at the ceiling and attempted to compose his thoughts. "The point is -- I cherish what you and I have ... at the level we have it. I wouldn't want to do anything to risk it. And, I think sex would put it at risk."

"You're probably right," she replied. "Aren't you curious, too?"

He smiled and suppressed a chortle. "Molly -- in every man's brain is a special cortex..." He pointed to the back of his neck. " ... no larger than a hazlenut. I think it resides just above the brain stem. It's called the noogie center. Whenever he sees someone to whom he's attracted ... male or female, depending on orientation ... his noogie center gets busy interpolating what that person would be like in bed."

"What does your cortex say about me?" she asked.

"It thinks you'd be terrific." He put his hands on the top of his head. "However, sitting above that cortex is all this gray matter, and it's telling me ... It's telling me how lucky I am to have found a soul mate -- a kindred spirit with whom I can have a truly unique rapport. I value your friendship, Molly. And, like you -- I had forgotten how good it feels to have a true friend in which I can confide."