Chapter 10

I went downstairs and sat down on the couch in the living room, leaned my head back and tried to ignore the ache in the center of my face.

What the hell am I going to do? I wondered. There's no way to keep them from knowing what I'm feeling now.

There was no way for them to keep you from knowing what they were feeling, was there?

Maybe not, but I never made a habit of looking. I don't like the idea of anyone having constant access to my feelings.

But you do. Why shouldn't they?

You think I want them to have to deal with you all the time? Besides, I liked being special ... unique.

Peggy can do pretty much everything you can. You aren't all that unique.

Well, that much was true. But I still didn't like it.

Who said you had to like it? You just have to learn to live with it. No one made you tie yourself to them. You did that all on your own.

Like I had a lot of choice in the matter.

That's a cop-out and you know it. You could have said no. Hell, you probably could have just destroyed their little three-way bond. But deep down you're afraid of losing them.

Was that why I'd given in? Was I really that afraid of being alone again? Or was there something else; something more primal ... more elemental ... going on?

Ever think that maybe ... just maybe ... you couldn't stand the idea of them being with someone else? And maybe ... just maybe ... this was the only way to be sure that they'd never leave you for anyone else?

... hmmmm...

If that were the case, why was I still feeling jealous and hurt? Why didn't I feel any better about what I'd done?

Possibly because you allowed them to manipulate you into doing something you swore you'd never do.

Why did I finally agree? Why hadn't I been willing to do it before now?

Fear.

Fear of what?

Loss. Pain. Suffering.

Carlie. I was afraid of having to go thru the agony I'd experienced at losing Carlie, times three.

Kinda stands to reason, doesn't it? The only person in your life you ever fully committed to, and look what losing her did to you. Why wouldn't you be afraid of that happening again?

But now I was about as fully committed as a person could ever be, and there was no way I was going to be able to escape...

Unless...

You wish. Her death didn't kill you so it's not very likely theirs will either. What's more likely to happen now is that when one of them dies the other two will follow quickly and you ... you'll take a dive off the deep end and become a raving lunatic. And who knows what the hell will happen after that?

Great ... just absolutely fuckin' great!

This 'god' thing is becoming more of a pain in the ass than it's worth.

What in the world ever made you think that being a god would solve all your problems? Or any of them?

Wishful thinking on my part, I suppose.

Damn straight.

Then what's the upside? Is there an upside?

Beats the hell out of me. Try asking the next god you run into. Maybe they'll have some good news for you ... unless, of course, you start off the meeting by turning 'em into a pile of ash.

Fat lot of help you are!

"Daddy?" a small whispery voice intruded on my inner musings.

I sat up and looked around. Off to the left side of the couch's arm AJ and Tink stood together, hand in hand.

I glanced over at the clock on the fireplace mantel. Ten minutes after eleven.

I looked back at my two smallest children, Tink in royal blue winter PJ's and AJ in his yellow Doctor Denton's. "Hey guys, how come you aren't in bed?"

The pair walked around between the couch and the long coffee table to stand next to my leg.

"What happened to your nose?" my son asked me, pointing with his free hand.

I sighed softly, breathing thru my mouth.

"It got broken." I replied.

"You look like a raccoon." AJ laughed.

"Thanks very much. I just knew you'd like it."

"Does it hurt Daddy?" Tink asked.

I nodded. "Yeah sweetie, it hurts a lot. But it'll be better in a few days. Now, how come you two munchkins aren't in bed asleep? It's way past your bedtime."

AJ shifted slightly, pulling Tink around so that she stood just a bit behind him. "We saw you carry Aunt Izzy into your room." he said.

Uh-oh.

I nodded. "And... ?"

Tink giggled and AJ grinned.

"You were naked again." my son said, as if that explained everything.

"And your face was all bloody." Tink added helpfully.

I nodded my head again. "Yeah ... well, my face was bloody because your Aunt Isabeau kicked me and broke my nose. She didn't mean to, but sometimes things like that happen."

"Another ass-a-dent?" AJ struggled to get out the unfamiliar word.

"Yeah. It's been a bad week for accidents." I agreed.

"How come Aunt Izzy kicked your nose?" Tink wanted to know.

"And how come you were naked?" AJ persisted, accompanied by Tink's bell-like giggling.

"I don't know if I can explain what happened well enough for you to understand. It's kind of a grown-up thing."

"You mean like kissing and stuff?"

"Not exactly like that, but kinda." I had to laugh at the smug looks the pair of them gave me, as if to say 'sure, old-timer ... we know what you really mean'.

"Uhmmm," I began brilliantly, shifting over on the couch and patting the open area to my left, "remember the other day when we talked about how I could tell what you guys were feeling?"

"Uh-huh." they chorused while climbing up onto the couch next to me. AJ made very sure he stayed between his sister and I, which struck me at the time as kind of peculiar, but I set the nagging sensation aside in favor of concentrating on my explanation.

"And you know I'm a doctor and that I help people who have trouble with their feelings, right?"

They nodded their heads in agreement.

"Okay then ... your Aunt Isabeau has had a problem with some of her feelings for a very long time now and I was trying to help her. This is kinda hard to explain, even to grownups." I muttered.

"I understand Daddy." Tink told me.

"Me too." AJ agreed.

"Do you?" I wondered aloud.

"Sure ... you felt Auntie Izzy's bad feelings and pulled them out." my tiny daughter said.

I gaped at my children, speechless for several seconds.

"Yes ... that's right. That's almost exactly right."

"Did it hurt her, when you pulled the bad feelings out?" AJ asked.

"Yeah, it hurt her a lot."

"And 'cause it hurt she kicked your nose?"

I nodded. Damn, I needed to stop underestimating the intelligence of my children as much as I needed to control my temper.

"So how come you were naked?" Tink piped up.

I took a deep breath thru my open mouth.

"Okay guys, this part has got to be a secret. No one outside the family can ever know what I'm gonna tell you. Do you think you can keep a secret that big?"

"We promise. We won't tell anyone, right Tink?" AJ turned to look at his older sister.

Tink flashed her fingers over her chest and kissed her little finger. I didn't recognize the gesture, but I guessed that it had some sort of serious significance in the pre-teen world.

"Alright. When I get angry ... I mean really, really mad ... I catch fire and my clothes burn up. It's all connected with being able to tell what people are feeling. I don't know why I'm able to do things like that, but that's why I've been naked so many times in the past couple of days."

They were very quiet for several seconds. Then...

"Cool!" AJ exclaimed.

"Yeah! Can we see you catch fire?" Tink asked, bouncing up and down with barely contained enthusiasm. Definitely her mother's daughter.

"Yeah Daddy ... can we ... please?"

I smiled at them, pleased that they were at least willing to consider the possibility that I was telling the truth. Thank goodness for the open mindedness of little children.

"You want me to get angry?"

"Pleeeeeezzzze?!" they begged with their sad little puppy dog expressions.

"You have no idea how much this week is costing me in clothes." I groused.

I got up and headed for the front door. I stopped suddenly and turned around to face the two little people who were following at my heels.

"Tell you what ... why don't you guys go get your sisters and that way I won't have to do this a second time just for them. It's really cold out, so you can all watch from the window in here. I don't want you getting sick ... your mothers would never forgive me."

"Okay Daddy." Tink said, pulling AJ by the hand towards the stairs.

I stood there in the living room looking down at the old comfortable pair of jeans I had on and shook my head. At this rate I wouldn't have a single pair left to my name.

What the hell are you thinking?

I'm thinking that its better they learn about me from me and not by stumbling unawares onto the truth. Less chance of them being terrified this way. I don't want my children to be afraid of me.

A little fear might not be a bad thing, especially as they get older.

I'd rather have their respect. And to get respect, you have to have trust. I'm showing that I trust them.

My four children came rushing back down the hall, with AJ in front leading the way. They came to a clustered halt a few steps away, eager looks of anticipation on each wide-eyed little face.

"Are you really gonna catch on fire Daddy?" Rosie asked in an excited, partially hushed voice.

"You'll see. Go stand by one of the living room windows. I'm going to go outside to do this, because I don't want to scare you and I don't want to set the house on fire. When I'm done I'll answer any questions you have ... and then it's back to bed, okay?"

Their four heads bounced up and down, like animated bobble head dolls and then they charged past me into the living room and took up positions by one of the big bay windows. Tink and AJ stood in front and on tip-toe so they could see out, with Belle and Rosie towering over them from behind.

I unlocked the front door and stepped out into the cold night air, closing the heavy door behind me. The ice cold steps sent chills up my shins as I carefully made my way down off the porch and into the knee high drifts that blanketed the front lawn. I picked a spot in front of the window with the four little faces pressed against the panes of glass and took a deep breath.

Looking inside myself I located the residual anger and hurt I'd been feeling earlier when dealing with their mothers, locked on the lingering emotions and began slowly amplifying, looping and amplifying, over and over and over, until I felt my body start to heat up. The red haze fell across my eyes and flames began to tickle my lashes and eyebrows. Round and round the emotions went, getting stronger and more aggravating. My blood began to race thru my body, my muscles felt like they were swelling and my bones were growing heavier ... I smelled smoke.

The snow around my legs turned to water and then to steam, rising up around me like a fog. As the snow retreated from my body in an ever widening circle, the damp dead grass dried out and burst into flame and turned to ash, leaving parched dirt beneath my feet.

I quickly linked with the earth and poured the smoldering emotions down deep, letting go of the anger and hurt and sending my lingering resentment along with them. The haze faded away from my eyes and I cut the link.

I looked over at the window and saw four awed faces and eight saucer sized eyes staring back at me.

As the flames receded and my body temperature returned to normal I became uncomfortably aware of the cold wind blowing against my bare skin as a legion of goosebumps sprang to attention all over my exposed and unprotected body.

I quick stepped thru the snow, up the porch steps and hurried inside the house, shutting and locking the front door behind me.

Poking my head around the corner into the living room I saw the kids huddled together in front of the window, listening intently to something that Belle was saying.

"Hey, guys? I'll be right back. I'm going to grab a robe ... its cold out there." I said quickly, and then trotted down the hall and up the stairs.

The girls were still fast asleep and hadn't moved an inch out of position. I grabbed my thickest, heaviest, longest robe, pulled it on and cinched the belt tight around my waist before heading back down to the living room.

As I came into the barely lit room, moving quietly as usual, I saw AJ, who had his back to the window, look up, give a sudden shudder, hunch his shoulders and push thru his still chatting sisters to confront me. He looked like he wanted to growl but wasn't quite sure how to go about it.

I looked down at my little five year old son and had an unwelcome flash of insight.

I got down on one knee so that we were closer to the same height, even though I still towered over him, and bent my neck so that my head was closer to his.

"It's okay AJ. I'm not going to hurt your sisters or you. I promise." I said gently.

He didn't look all that convinced, but his aggressive posture did relax a little. I reached out, picked him up with both hands and carried him over to the couch, sat down and balanced my son on my right leg.

"Okay ... so you all got to see daddy on fire, right?" I asked softly.

The girls came away from the window, circled the coffee table and hopped up onto the couch.

"That was so cool!" Rosie gushed with a grin.

"Do you only do that when you get mad Daddy?" Belle asked.

"I have to be really, really angry, yes."

"Were you mad at me and Tink 'cause we weren't in bed?" AJ asked. Tink's eyes got very big. When my son noticed his sister's reaction to his question he immediately hopped off my leg and hurried over to where she was sitting and took her hand in his. AJ glared at me as if Tink's anxiety were my doing. Which I guess, in a way, it was.

I examined their faces closely for a few moments, mixed emotions bubbling around within me. I shook my head.

"No. I wasn't mad at you and Tink. I've never been that angry with any of you, ever." I assured them.

"You're mad at our moms." Tink said suddenly.

I blinked.

Damn, this was one smart and perceptive little girl.

I blinked again, even slower than the last time ... then gave my tiny daughter a big grin.

"How did you get so smart Tink? I can't get over what a big brain you've got stashed away in that pretty little head of yours ... it's amazing!"

Tink preened and puffed up; smiling at me, her sisters and her brother for all she was worth. She might not have let on that her smaller size bothered her, but I knew better. Actually, for her age, she wasn't that small, but relative to her sisters...

"I'm right aren't I Daddy?" she giggled and clutched AJ's hand between her own.

"Yes you are sweetie."

"All of them?" Rosie asked.

I sighed and leaned back, sliding my legs out in front of me.

"Remember the other day when I told you that grown-ups are just the same as kids?"

All their heads bobbed up and down.

"Grown-ups aren't good all the time, any more than kids are. And, sometimes ... not very often, but sometimes ... your moms do something that makes me angry. The past couple of days ... well, let's just say they made me very, very angry."

"Were they bad?" AJ asked.

"Kind of. They did something that hurt me a lot."

"Worse than breaking your nose?" AJ asked in hushed tones.

"Even worse than that."

"You should spank them if they were bad." Belle suggested helpfully.

"Yeah, our mom spanks us when we're bad." Rosie added.

I couldn't help but laugh.

"I don't know guys ... spanking doesn't work as well with grown-ups as it does with kids." I lowered my voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Some of them even like getting spanked."

The looks on their faces told me that there was no way they were going to swallow that story.

"Do you still love our mom?" AJ asked.

"Sure I do. I love all your moms. Just because I'm angry doesn't mean I've stopped loving them, any more than I'd stop loving you guys if you made me mad. It'll take a little time, but I'll get over it. I won't be mad forever."

All four looked relieved.

"Does it hurt when you're on fire?" Belle asked me, changing the subject.

"It hurts inside ... anytime I'm angry or mad it hurts inside ... but on the outside, no. But I do keep burning up my clothes and that doesn't make me any too happy."

"How come the fire doesn't burn you Daddy?" Rosie's expression was a mix of puzzlement and exhaustion, and then she yawned widely.

"I don't know why honey. There are times when I wish I knew the answer, but mostly I'm just glad that it doesn't."

There appeared to be a lull in the questioning and I was about ready to send them all back to bed, when AJ piped up.

"Belle told us you let her feel how much you love her." It wasn't so much a question as a statement, but I recognized it for what it really was ... a request.

I smiled warmly at my kids. "Yes. I did do that. I take it you'd all like to know how it feels."

Grins, smiles, yawns and lots of head bobbing answered me back.

"Okay ... but then it's off to bed. You need your rest ... and so do I."

I established links with all four of them and very gently allowed individual streams of emotion to trickle down to each one. Belle smiled brightly back at me as she hugged herself. Rosie's smile faded away and her exhaustion was quickly replaced with a look of wonder.

"Wow! Pretty!" she gasped softly.

Tink and AJ, still tightly holding hands, were gaping at one another then turned their heads towards me at the same time.

"What do you think?" I asked.

The four of them moved so fast I never had a chance to dodge or defend myself. I was swarmed under and in the process of being hugged to death when a trio of throats being cleared brought the onslaught to a halt.

I had my arms full; two squirming, wiggling rug rats held tightly on each side of my body. So I tilted my head backwards over the top of the couch and beheld an inverted view of my wives staring down at me.

Isabeau blanched when she got a look at my face, but apart from that the three of them just looked a little bit pissed.

"Uh-oh guys ... it's the bedtime police." I said in a stage whisper.

"Why are you wrestling around with the children when it's past their bedtime?" Lilly asked me after a short interval.

I gave the four wiggling bundles in my arms a quick squeeze. They squealed with delight and renewed their happy assault, secure in the knowledge that Daddy would protect them from their mothers' wrath.

"Love doesn't care about bedtimes." I told their mothers.

"Yeah!" the four wigglers crawling over me cried out.

"Mommies care." Peggy announced with a slight scowl.

I tightened my grip around the kids and powered up to my feet with a jerk, causing piercing shrieks of delight that nearly deafened me. I swung around so that we were all facing one another; four squealing little kids dangling from my arms like prizes I'd won at the State Fair.

"Daddy doesn't." I replied firmly, staring down the three women on the other side of the couch.

There was a long pause and the kids quieted down, their eyes moving from their mothers to me and back. The mommies blinked first, seeing the determination on my face.

"However, we did have a deal, right guys?"

"Yes Daddy." they all agreed.

I set them down on the couch, and then, one by one, they held out their arms to me. I bent down and got a hug and kiss from each of my children.

"Thank you Daddy." Belle whispered in my ear.

"My pleasure darlin'." I told her as I returned her hug.

"I love you Daddy." Rosie said, faint traces of moisture in her eyes.

"I know, honey. I love you too."

She giggled. "I know."

Tink held her arms out to me, but before I did anything I looked to AJ. He nodded his head ever so slightly, but there was still a wary look in his eyes.

I bent down and scooped Tink up in my arms. She pulled tight against me as her little arms squeezed my neck.

"You really are special, aren't you?" she asked, her tone reminded me of how her mother's voice could go from impish little girl to mature woman in less than the blink of an eye.

"Nowhere near a special as you Tink. I'm so proud of you." I told her and squeezed right back. I set her down next to AJ who was frowning at me ... little thunder cloud was on a comeback tour.

"And you, little man..." I bent at the waist and put my forehead against my son's. "Stop scowling at me, would you?" I spoke quietly, so that only he and I could hear what I was saying. "They're my little girls. They'll always be my little girls. I'm their Dad, you know? I'm not going to hurt them and I'm not trying to take them away from you ... understand me?"

AJ's eyes met my own; he didn't blink, didn't flinch and didn't back down, not one little bit. "Alright." he said.

And then the five year old in him broke free and he grinned widely. "That fire thing was so cool!" He threw his arms around my neck and gave me a hug. "I love you Daddy."

"I love you too AJ." I whispered, tears in my eyes. I hadn't realized, until that moment, just how quickly the affection I'd grown accustomed to from my little boy could be lost. How many other fathers over the ages had come to the same realization ... and how many of them had realized it the way I just had?

AJ released my neck and I stood up. "Okay now, a deal is a deal; everybody back to bed."

"'Nite Daddy!" "Good 'nite ... love you!" "'Nite-'nite!" "'Nite Dad!" they exclaimed, jumping down off the couch and charging off towards the stairs without a word or gesture to their mothers.

"Good night guys. Sleep tight." I called after them, a wistful smile on my lips.

When they'd disappeared from sight I returned my gaze to their mothers, who stood across from me, all of them draped in bathrobes and frowning at me with disapproval.