On the twelfth day of Christmas,

my true love sent to me

Twelve drummers drumming,

Eleven pipers piping,

Ten lords a-leaping,

Nine ladies dancing,

Eight maids a-milking,

Seven swans a-swimming,

Six geese a-laying,

Five golden rings,

Four calling birds,

Three French hens,

Two turtle doves,

And a partridge in a pear tree!

My Dearest John,

Thank-you for the pressies you have sent over the last few days. The birds have settled into the back garden OK. I planted the pear tree at the bottom, near the shed. The gold rings are the nicest present so far, and I have them all on my fingers.

Your loving girlfriend, Sharon

PS. When will you be able to get away from the missus and give me a shag, I'm missing it already.

Dear John,

The laying geese were a nice thought, I am getting £1.50 an egg. However there is a small problem, they will not let anyone up the front path. The swans however are not as easy to deal with, the nearest pond is in the park, and the back garden is too small for a pond, so they are not happy as they cannot swim at the moment.

Your fuck buddy, Sharon.

PS. still waiting for a shag.

Dear John,

I am not sure about the milkmaids or the dancing girls. I am not gay, or even slighty bi. Neither are 7 of the milk maids or 8 of the dancing girls. There is now a vacancy for a postman in our street if you are interested. The 2 girls who are bi or gay got it on in the front garden this morning.

Old Mr Thomas at number 21, opposite, had a heart attack this morning, and died, I know he was 91, but he was a nice old man, not sure what brought it on, he seemed as fit a fiddle first thing.

Yours, Sharon

PS If you don't give me a shag before Thursday I am going to look else where.

John,

10 Lords was a nice thought, but think about it, 17 horny young women, 10 very old men, two of whom are totally gay. Who ever told you they were leaping lords conned you, the youngest was 72. The result was chaos. The Dancing girls started fighting with the milk maids, in the back garden. In spite of the age of the Lords the Milk maids and Dancing girls have been starved of cock for nearly a week so they practically raped the Lords. Once the initial brawl was over they did form orderly queues, but even with viagra 6 girls got nothing more than finger job. Oh and the two gay lords have taken over the garden shed, and are calling it the pink house. I didn't mind at first but when they started parading around it dressed in leather and peaked caps Mrs Johnson next door complained, apparently she is homophobic.

Sharon