Chapter 9

I watched Becky bustling around the small diner as I sat at the counter drinking a mug of tea. I was certain every man in the place loved watching her lithe form as she moved with such grace, especially in those very high heels. Her blonde hair was held back by a scrunchie, and her figure was on display in a tight waitress uniform. The dark skirt would ride up as she bent to pour coffee for the customers in the booths. Damn she's beautiful ... and she's got such great legs!

The place was warm and smelled like all American diners; bacon and eggs frying, pancakes on the griddle, and of course coffee. I had been in dozens of these places in my travels. They were still a fixture in small towns where they hadn't been squeezed out by fast food places.

Becky came back to where I was seated and leaned across the counter, revealing the top edges of a lacey red bra. She smiled at me.

"Haven't seen you before. Just passin' through?"

I smiled back.

"Don't know yet. Think it might be worthwhile to stay?"

She paused for a second looking me over, her bright blue eyes sparkling.

"Lots of nice people in this town."

"I can see that."

Still smiling, she picked up her small order pad.

"So ... see anything interesting?"

"Yes."

She blushed as I returned her long look.

"On the menu."

"Oh ... the menu ... I'll have a short stack and bacon."

She frowned just a little.

"Well as usual ... you'll have to cook that yourself. Nobody can beat your griddle cakes."

"What?"

Just then, from nearby, I heard a voice.

"Daddy, its Christmas."

I looked down from my stool and saw Amelia.

"Its time to wake up" She said.

I looked at Becky. She smiled and nodded her head, and then winked at Amelia.

I opened my eyes and saw Amelia standing by the bed. She was dressed in a dark green dress and her ever present cowboy boots ... excuse me... "cowgirl boots". Hers were a replica of Abigail's favorites.

I pulled her to me and hugged and kissed her.

"How are you this morning, beautiful?"

"Its Christmas ... its time for you to wake up ... everyone wants to see what Santa brought."

I gave her one more hug as I sat up, seeing Taylor standing in the doorway smiling.

"And daddy..."

"Hummm?"

"You need to shave!" She rubbed her face as she said it, having been the victim of my morning stubble.

Taylor laughed as she came into the room.

"Yeah ... and maybe shower too!"

She was dressed in a light gray cashmere sweater, a dark gray full skirt that came to below her knees, and black low heel pumps.

Amelia looked thoughtful and said,

"Shower too ... but don't take too long ... Grandpa's making breakfast. I already ate ... bacon and griddle cakes."

I looked at Taylor, trying to digest this news.

"What? Is mom okay?"

Dad never made breakfast on Christmas, or any other time, other than the rare occasion mom was sick. It wasn't that he couldn't cook ... he just didn't. Except for the barbeque of course.

"She's fine. Dad said he was going to let her sleep in this morning since she was up half the night ... err ... helping Santa."

Amelia looked at Taylor.

"Can I go check on Grandma?"

"I think so ... I'm pretty sure she's out of the shower by now."

"Okay."

She headed down the hall.

"Amelia's a pretty special kid you know."

I nodded.

"I know ... and I thank God every day ... that Abigail and I ... that we had her ... I don't know what I would have done these last months without her."

Taylor saw my sadness and sat on the bed and hugged me.

"I think you're pretty special too."

"Thanks. I'm glad you think so despite everything..."

She put her fingers on my lips and shook her head.

"That's past."

I hugged her and she put her head on my shoulder. She sighed and said.

"I'm so glad you came home."

"Me too."

Finally I released her and she smiled, her eyes glistening.

"Anyway ... it time to get up."

I kissed her forehead.

"Thanks Taylor."

"For what?"

"For caring about me ... and forgiving me..."

She looked up.

"Bret ... we all love you ... and we're family. Even dad. He has a hard time showing it, but he does the best he can. I hated him for a long time because I blamed him for making you go away ... but I realized he was as hurt and lost as I was. You're a father now ... so maybe that can help you understand."

Taylor brushed a tear away.

"Mom told me once that being a good parent is the hardest job on earth ... but it has the greatest rewards. It can also cause the greatest heartache. What's important is what we do from this moment."

I hugged her again, feeling a greater closeness than ever. My sister had grown up to be a remarkable insightful woman. Too bad I hadn't been around to see it.

I realized she was right. If Amelia got up from the breakfast table one morning and disappeared after we had an argument I would be devastated.

"Taylor, you're right. I'm sorry. I ran away, thinking that was the only solution ... I was stupid ... and acted like a jerk. I left everyone who loved me..."

I paused, thinking about Becky. She had loved me deeply and I hurt her terribly.

Taylor didn't say anything for a few moments but I could tell there was some inner decision brewing. What did she want to tell me?

Quietly she said,

"Becky still loves you..."

I thought about our meeting last night. Could it be true?

"Did she ... I mean has she said... ?"

Taylor shook her head and with a slight smile said,

"Bret ... sometimes men can be so dense ... I've hardly seem Becky since you left but I saw her last night ... and take my word for it she loves you desperately. I watched her during services and she never took her eyes off you and Amelia ... it's pretty obvious that Amelia is quite taken with her too. If I didn't think Becky was so special, I'd be jealous."

"I don't know what to say ... it's too soon..."

"Bret ... I never met Abigail, but I know you and she were deeply in love ... but would she want you to go through life without someone to love ... someone to love you? Think about it ... if the positions were reversed, would you want Abigail to spend her life without happiness, living in the past ... with only memories of happiness?"

"No ... no I wouldn't ... but I don't know how I feel about Becky ... its been such a long time..."

"Well Becky's going to be here this evening ... and I think you need to spend some time with her ... alone. If there's some chance ... then you need to tell her ... she'll wait ... but not forever. She's a beautiful woman and I think the only reason she hasn't been snapped up is because of you."

I nodded; Taylor could be right ... at least about talking to her alone.

"Taylor ... how'd you get so smart?"

I detected a note of sadness when she said,

"Oh ... I've been in love..."

I have to admit I was surprised, although on reflection I shouldn't have been. She was a beautiful young woman ... beautiful and smart and would certainly attract any number of men.

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"No, not right now ... it's kind of a long story anyway. Maybe later..."

"Anyone I need to beat up?"

She laughed and kissed the side of my face, then recoiled in mock horror.

"Amelia's right ... you do need to shave!"

Suddenly the somber mood was lifted, blown away like last night's rain.

She stood,

"Come on Bret ... we're keeping Amelia waiting ... and I want to see what Santa brought too."

"Okay ... okay ... but first tell me ... what's going on with dad?"

"I don't know ... but he's bustling around in the kitchen, smiling and wishing everyone a merry Christmas. He even sat with Amelia while she had her breakfast. Plus he's been on his cell phone off and on all morning ... takes the calls on the porch ... Don't know what he's up to ... but he's really full of himself this morning ... he acts like he got lucky last night!"

I laughed.

"Jeeeeze Taylor ... you're talking about mom and dad!" I teased.

"I'll let you in on a secret big brother ... even people over forty can get laid!"

I feigned shock and then we laughed.

It was wonderful having my sister around. It made me realize how much I missed her.

"So come on Bret ... shower ... and shave. I don't know how much longer we can keep a very excited four-year old out of the living room. She keeps eyeing those big closed doors, trying to be patient ... but I remember all those years when mom and dad made us wait until we all got up and got dressed..."

"Okay ... so scoot, so a guy can get out of bed."

"Why, are you naked under there?"

She could only see the t-shirt I slept in.

"No ... of course not ... but"

"What ... you've got another problem and you don't want your little sister to see?"

"Taylor!"

"It's not like I haven't seen one before!" she laughed.

"Taylor ... too much information!"

"Okay ... but with the smile on your face when we came in you must have been having quite a dream!"

"Out!"

"Okay ... but be quick."

She left, laughing, following Amelia toward mom and dad's room.

As I showered I thought about the dream. Why was I suddenly dreaming about Becky? Was Taylor right? She seemed certain Becky still loved me. It was just a dream and dreams often don't make any sense, but this one was particularly vivid. Was I just "passin' through"? She was beautiful and smart and ... damn ... she did have great legs.

Could she, or any woman, ever fill the hole in my chest where my heart used to be? And what about Amelia? In my grief I had pictured myself growing old as the lonely widower raising a daughter on my own ... but that was grief talking, not reality. What would it really be like to raise Amelia on my own? Lots of parents do it, but I had discovered that parenting and running a ranch was a two person job. And more importantly, would Abigail want me to go through life without being loved, and loving someone in return? I couldn't imagine it.

I had lots of questions and few answers.

Maybe I should just ask Amelia ... she seemed to be doing okay running our lives so far.

As I shaved, I looked at myself. It was funny to think that the last time I spent any time in this bathroom was over five years ago. At eighteen I thought I was pretty grown up. What a laugh. I was an idiot. Perhaps there should be a rule that all eighteen year old boys should have to get out of town for a few years ... maybe out of the country even ... to keep them out of trouble ... and force them to grow up. Those boys and girls who went into the military seemed to figure stuff out in a hurry and become men and women ... adult men and women. Certainly Dan Junior was a great example, especially after I heard the stories of his high school and college days from Ellen and Dan.

Of course, a ranch in Montana, marriage and fatherhood tend to move you toward maturity too.

Even at twenty three and a half, the face in the mirror had a few creases along with the fading tan. Abigail called the creases, "love lines"; since she said she loved my face. I knew that sometimes she worried about being ten years older and the lines on her face, but I would just make sure I told her every day how much I loved her, and how she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

"Bret Dawson ... how do you know I'm the most beautiful woman in the world?" She'd tease.

"Well ... I've not been to the whole world ... but we've got the internet..."

"What ... now you're looking at women on the internet?"

One of the cardinal rules of life and particularly in a successful marriage is, if you find yourself in a hole, quit digging!

I found the best solution was to just grab Abigail and kiss her until we both couldn't breathe.

I smiled, and then my thoughts turned to what Taylor had said about dad.

And what was with dad this morning?

I recalled that on most Christmas mornings he seemed pretty happy, and he departed from his normal ... what? Serious composure? It wasn't that dad wasn't a good father and provider. He had worked hard all his life to make sure we were taken care of. I knew now about what it's like to have the responsibility for a home and family. And God knows how much time he spent with me tossing a football, or getting up at all hours to get me to practice or to a game somewhere. I realized it wasn't just me ... he did it for Taylor too ... and mom. He did everything he could to make our lives comfortable. I thought about those days when I was younger and so was he. It seemed he laughed a lot more then. Once he got older and became the president of the bank it was almost like he had to be serious, since people depended on him so much. He did get promoted to that position when he was in his late thirties, over the heads of some people who had been there longer.