Chapter 2

Two thousand miles away Becky stared at her cell phone as if she had never seen one before. She folded it shut, distressed and confused as a wave of emotions shot through her. Her mother had dropped a bomb on her with news about Bret. Bret, the man she loved and hated, the man who had loved her and then failed her, and then disappeared. It had been over five years since she had last seen him, but every mention of his name brought the same dull ache of longing and loss, and yes, anger.

She sat in her tiny student teacher's office on the campus of the University of Georgia, wishing she could find a way to shake the memories of Bret. She turned and looked out the window watching the rain and wind strip the remaining leaves from the trees on this gray November day. The turmoil outside fit her mood.

For the last five years her life had settled into the routine of university life. She had completed her degree in Animal and Veterinary Science in just three years and been accepted in the Doctor of Veterinary Medicine program. She was now in her third year of that four-year program.

Becky had heard nothing at all about Bret in over three years. The last news, also delivered by her mother, had crushed her. She remembered that last time vividly. It was about eighteen months after Bret had walked out of their lives, and she was living with her Aunt Liddy in Athens near the University of Georgia campus.

Her mother had called her there.

"Becky ... I ran into Bret's mother the other day downtown ... and guess what?"

"What?" she said as her pulse quickened.

"You know that nice couple from Indiana who took him in last fall? Well they finally heard from Bret. They forwarded his email to his folks. He's in Montana ... on a ranch...

Unconsciously Becky gripped her phone harder as she listened to her mother. She had to get in touch with him ... to tell him everything about what happened to them ... that she still loved him and missed him terribly. She ached to see him again.

Then her mother said the words that almost stopped her heart.

" ... and he's married ... and his wife just had a baby girl!"

In shock, tears rolled down her cheeks. She had lost him. She hung up the phone and put her head on her arms on the old wooden desk where she did her schoolwork. Becky sobbed for a long time.

After that she made it clear to her family that she wanted no more news about Bret.

Now, three years later, her mother had called insisting she needed to hear some news about Bret. Becky had sighed and let her mother talk.

This time she told Becky that Bret's wife had died and that he and his daughter were going to be home in Douglas for Christmas.

Becky was numb as she sat. Over the five years at the University her trips home were few and very far between. She just couldn't deal with the memories. But she was always home for Christmas, even though her stays became shorter and shorter.

Suddenly the memories she had locked away came crashing down on her.

"Becky Lynn ... its time to get out of bed. You're going to sleep the day away unless you get up soon."

Her head still ached as she pulled the pillow from over her face, and watched her mother, Grace, bustle around her bedroom, opening curtains and windows. The bright sun belied her mood. Her mother continued to chatter, and then said,

"Don't you and Bret have something planned for today?"

That did it. The mention of Bret's name brought it all back — the horror of the night before. How could he do that to her? She thought he loved her. And worse the shame of her ... her what? Her stupidity at fucking Todd and then the finality of the end of their relationship upon being discovered by Bret. She had said she never wanted to see him again and she meant it. Without warning her stomach clenched and she threw back the covers and raced out her door, barely making it to the bathroom across the hall before the little that remained in her stomach from the night before spewed into the toilet. The severity of the cramps and nausea caused her to sink to her knees as the tears came. This was a repeat of last night. She finally was able to drag herself to bed only a few hours ago.

"What's the matter honey?" Her mother said in a concerned voice.

Between sobs, she gasped out,

"I ... just ... want to be ... left alone."

"Nonsense ... let's get you back to bed." Her mother helped her to her bed and then went to the bathroom where she heard the toilet flush. She came back with a warm washcloth and bathed her face as she sat on the edge of the bed.

"Becky, honey ... you want to tell me what this is about?"

Becky just shook her head.

"Are you pregnant?" She said softly.

Becky shook her head again, This time more slowly, tears starting again, remembering her unprotected sex with Todd. What if he had cum in her, even with birth control there was no certainty. Has it not been for Bret's arrival Todd would have filled her. She shuddered at the thought.

"Then this must be about you and Bret?"

Becky sat up and clung desperately to her mother, her body wracked with sobs.

"I've lost him ... he doesn't love me anymore ... Oh God mom ... what am I going to do?"

Bewildered, Grace held her daughter wondering what could have gone so wrong. She loved Bret like a son and just assumed like everyone else that he and Becky would marry some day and provide her with a house full of grandchildren.

"Becky, what happened?"

Grace, eyes wide in horror, listened to Becky as she told her about the previous night. Becky spared no details. Grace was sickened by the whole thing and her dreams for her daughter and the house full of grandchildren fled from her mind. She didn't know what to think about Bret. His behavior appalled and puzzled her.

"Honey, how much did you both have to drink?"

"I really don't remember drinking that much and I was with Bret most of the time. I don't know why he had to do that to me ... to us ... I thought he was happy with me and then he was with ... with Lisa. Why? Why? I told him I never want to see him again ... but oh God ... I still love him, but then I did it with Todd and you should have seen Bret's face. I know after what I did he can't love me anymore. It hurts so bad ... I just want to curl up and die!" She wailed.

Grace helped her daughter back into the bathroom and got her into the shower.

"I'm going downstairs and make some soup and some chamomile tea. I'll bring it up to you in a bit."

"I can't eat."

"Yes you can ... just a little and the tea will settle your stomach."

Becky spent the rest of the day in her room. The tea and a bit of soup helped her stomach and her headache, but nothing could lift her spirits.

She kept replaying the events from the night before, but she knew that what they had done to each other had made reconciliation impossible. She thought about how their friends would react to the break up. Oh God! She thought, what'll I say to Todd?

She had no interest in a relationship of any kind with him. Then she remembered that all the while she was fucking him he kept telling her how much he had always loved her. He said it over and over. How was she going to handle that situation? She also wondered who else knew and if Todd was the kind of guy who would brag around the town that he had fucked her. He did have a certain reputation.

She sat on her bed and felt totally miserable about it all. School at the University of Georgia didn't start for almost three months. Could she avoid Bret that whole time? What would she do if she saw him with Lisa? Douglas was just too small for people to avoid each other. What about some of her friends, knowing that Bret was on the market for once. Would they stick by her or go after him? Did she care after what happened? Yes she did. She had loved him with all her heart and thought he had loved her too.

Her mother assured her that this would pass but she wasn't sure. How many times had she and Bret sat on his front porch swing and talked about the future, their future together. She had imagined life with Bret and making a wonderful home for them and their children while she opened a veterinary practice. Now it was all ashes. She wondered if she could enroll in summer school just to get out of town. Maybe she could go stay with her aunt Liddy in Athens for awhile.

She felt so bad that she actually thought of ways to kill herself. She imagined Bret at her funeral. He would be sorry. But what if he wasn't? No, living well was the best revenge. And that's what she decided to do. She would bear up to the hurt and she would go ahead with her life and no matter how hard it was she would show the town that she was a strong confident woman. She just hoped she could keep up the front until the hole in her heart healed itself, or at least until she could escape to school in the fall.

Becky slept much better that night after eating most of the soup her mother brought up to her. She had a long talk with her mother and discovered that Grace was no stranger to heartbreak. Grace told her that she too had been left with a broken heart by a man she thought she loved and loved her in return. He went off to college and found someone else. Grace assured her that the pain would go away and she would meet someone else ... someone who would treat her as she expected to be treated and love her unconditionally. She told Becky that she was lucky because had it not been for being dumped by the old love of her life she probably never would have met Becky's father, the true love of her life.

Becky felt a little better but still wondered how long it would take for the feelings of loss and anger to go away.

Her best intentions were sorely strained the next morning when her mother came to wake her to get ready for church.

"I can't go ... I just couldn't face him!"

"Becky Lynn ... you will go to church and you will face him if he has the nerve to show up. You can't hide away in your room for the next three months! Anyway its God's house and right now a conversation with God might be a help. So get ready."

Becky managed to get herself together and only had to repair her makeup a couple of times from crying. She choked down a few bites of French toast.

Her dad hugged her as they left. She knew her mother must have told him but he didn't say a word. He was the best dad a girl could have and she thought about what her mother had told her and couldn't imagine her mother married to, much less in love with, some other man.

Her stomach was in knots as they walked from the parking lot to the church door. She still hadn't spotted Bret but she knew his family was always there and this was the only service.

She kept looking around as they found their seats as people came in. Still no sign. Then her heart leaped, there was Bret's family, but no Bret. So he was too much of a coward to face her. Becky silently thanked her mother for making her come.

She was so wrapped up in her problems she hardly remembered the sermon or singing the songs, but finally it was over and they began to file out. Her parent's had a few words with the pastor as they left and then she was free in the parking lot. Becky saw several people from her class. Many had been at the party on Friday night. She wanted to go quickly to the car to avoid any conversations. She sensed that the word was out since her phone had been strangely silent all day yesterday.

Becky's dad always parked at the far end of the lot. They had driven her mother's new Buick SUV and he always parked at the end of a row in the back of the lot away from the church. He felt there were fewer chances someone would bash her new car with a carelessly opened door. As they reached their car, Bret's mother came up to them.

"Becky ... I'm so sorry. She hugged her and they both burst into tears. Grace stood there dabbing her eyes too.

When they released each other, Bret's mother asked her the question that partially changed her attitude.

"Becky ... Have you seen ... or heard from Bret?"

Becky was indignant. She asked herself how this woman could think such a thing ... as if she would have anything to do with Bret after what he'd done. She bit off a retort when she noticed how worried and maybe afraid Catherine looked. Grace noticed too and said,

"Catherine what's wrong?"

"It's just ... that..." she couldn't continue and covered her face with her hands as she sobbed.

Bret's father, also looking unsettled, said,

"Bret walked out of our house yesterday morning and we haven't seen or heard from him since."

"Did he say were he was going?" asked Grace.

From the look on their faces there was much more to the story than they were telling.

Becky looked at them, now thankful for the privacy of this parking spot.

"You mean he's just gone?"

They nodded.

They all knew this was very unlike Bret.

"He didn't take anything with him, not even his jacket."

That reference made Becky flinch. She remembered that she had accepted Todd's jacket on Friday night, and had been wearing it when she said those hateful things to Bret. Her stomach clenched as she remembered his face. He had no response to her words, and had simply turned and walked into the darkness.

At that point she insisted Todd take her home. He tried to resume their interrupted sex act but she was so upset she rebuffed him quite sternly. She fled his car for her front door, leaving his jacket in the car. She ran into the house and barely made it to the bathroom before she lost the contents of her stomach.

Now she was in the parking lot, crying, trying to figure out what had become of Bret.

Caroline said,

"We know you two had a fight ... did he say anything about leaving?"

Becky shook her head.

Becky's dad added,

"Oh ... I expect he's somewhere close by ... maybe with one of his friends ... have you called?"

Caroline looked unconvinced, as she dabbed at her eyes, shaking her head.

What had happened to make Bret walk out? Becky thought. There is definitely something else going on here. And obviously Bret had provided them with few details of their "fight".

"This is so unlike him ... to just disappear ... Mike and Jay came by this morning to see how he was doing ... they hadn't seen him ... so we thought maybe ... you had ... maybe talked."

Becky just looked at Caroline, seeing her pain.

This was disturbing news to Becky. Mike and Jay had been close friends with Bret all his life. If he was around somewhere it would most likely have been with one of them. Despite her anger at Bret, this news distressed her.

Her own musings about suicide suddenly intruded. Had Bret done something like that? Could he be lying dead or injured somewhere nearby and all they could do was stand around the church parking lot and cry. Becky was torn. Part of her wished Bret was dead and that way she would never have to see him again. Maybe that way she could get the image out of her head of Bret, her love, fucking Lisa. She knew that she couldn't wish him dead ... she had gotten her revenge ... the look on his face when he discovered her with Todd, and then when she said those dreadful things to him before he left her Friday night was satisfaction enough.

No that wasn't right ... she felt no satisfaction ... just a great sorrow for the loss of what they had and the knowledge that there was no going back. They had hurt each other too badly and after some time they would have to find other people to love and love them.

Somehow her train of thought failed to comfort her. The hurt was too raw and now the knowledge that Bret had disappeared seemed to make her hurt worse.

"Mrs. Dawson ... I promise, if I hear from Bret, I'll try to find out where he is and I'll let you know."

She knew they expected her to ask them to do the same but she just couldn't bring herself to say the words.

Becky and her family would see Bret's family each Sunday in church but other than that most contact was lost. Without the catalyst of Becky and Bret, their parent's friendship began to wane. Three weeks after Bret's disappearance Caroline showed up at Becky's house. It was late morning on a Saturday. Becky sat in the backyard sunning by their pool, she rarely went out, she just counted the days until school would start so she could leave Douglas and put all these memories behind her. Most days she still felt like she had a hole where her heart had been. There was no word of Bret. All friends and even all the out of town relatives had been contacted. He had vanished.

Becky had not known Caroline was in the house until she came in from the pool to grab some ice tea and heard her mother talking to someone in the family room.

"God, Grace ... I can't stand it ... not knowing ... that's the worst part ... not knowing..." Becky recognized Caroline's voice as she tearfully spoke to her mother.

"Caroline ... can you talk about it? What happened that morning ... I know it was more than Bret and Becky breaking up..."

There was silence, and then Caroline related the story of that Saturday morning.

Becky was shocked. Bret had never said anything to her about his feelings about playing football. What else was Bret holding back from her?

She looked at the two women seated close together on the large overstuffed sofa. Caroline looked dreadful. She had lost weight and her normally perfectly coiffed hair hung limply around her face.

Becky had thrown a terry robe over her bathing suit and sat down next to Bret's mother and put her arms around her.

"Carl is still convinced he'll come to his senses and stroll through the door any day now, but yesterday I went to Sheriff Taylor and filed a formal missing persons report. I wish I knew what happened. If he wasn't hurt somewhere I can't imagine why he wouldn't contact me. I just can't stand it ... I just want to scream at Carl and I keep hoping Bret will come home but I keep thinking I want to hit him and then I just want to wrap my arms around him and hold him. Grace ... Becky ... I'm so afraid."

They sat in silence.

"Becky ... I hate to pry ... but will you tell me why you and Bret broke up ... what you were fighting about?"

Grace simply looked at Becky, knowing the truth would hurt Caroline.

Becky felt rising nausea. She had tried to blot that evening from her memory ... without success.

Finally she just let it spill out, and along with it came the sobs that she'd been holding in for weeks.

This time it was Caroline who put her arms around Becky as they cried.

"I'm so sorry Becky ... so ... so ... sorry ... he hurt you. But I can tell you that ... the morning he ... he ... left ... he felt so bad ... he looked like he hadn't slept ... and that something really big was eating at him. I'm sure it was remorse ... regret ... oh God ... and then Carl ... had to start on the damn football ... Carl and his obsession with football. Bret was right ... telling his dad he didn't want to be responsible for being his dad's surrogate..."

"I'll make some tea." Grace got up and headed for the kitchen.

The silence was awkward. Finally Caroline took Becky's hands in hers', and said,

"Becky ... I just can't imagine what made him do that ... you say he hadn't been drinking much ... how could that happen?"

Becky looked at her. She had asked herself that question a thousand times ... along with her own shameful action with Todd. Why? She had no explanation.

"Becky ... I pray every day ... Bret ... will come back ... it's just I'm so frightened ... that he's hurt somewhere ... in the hospital ... somewhere where no one knows him or can take care of him. God ... I want my boy back." She sobbed.

So the next day it was official. The local paper reported Bret was missing and asked for information about his whereabouts. Unfortunately the paper did its best to sensationalize the story and put it on page one.

"Local sports hero missing. Sheriff doesn't suspect foul play. $10,000 Reward."

Becky looked at the photo that ran with the newspaper piece. It showed a relaxed and smiling Bret in his football uniform, helmet off after a big win against cross state rival St. Augustine. She ached as she looked at his smile and how it contrasted with the last time she saw him.

The summer dragged for Becky. Many people would stop her and ask after Bret. She wanted to scream at them that she had broken up with him and they should leave her alone, but she couldn't do it. Even in Douglas the story of the graduation night had not made the rounds to everyone, although it seemed everyone in the high school knew of it.

She also continued to field calls from Todd, but she declined all invitations. She had no interest in seeing him again and every time he called or saw her out somewhere and tried to talk to her, it just reminded her of that terrible night. Finally her parents relented and she was able to spend a month with her Aunt Liddy in Athens. In fact they got on so well together that Liddy invited her to live with her when she started school at the University of Georgia. Liddy was a teacher and a widow with two grown children and she had a big house.