Chapter 44: The Moment Consummate and Ripe

I dreamed that I was dead and crossed the heavens, —
Heavens after heavens with burning feet and swift, —
And cried, "O God, where art Thou?" I left one
on earth, whose burden I would pray Thee lift."

I was so dead I wondered at no thing, —
Not even that the angels slowly turned
Their faces, speechless, as I hurried by
(Beneath my feet the golden pavements burned.)

Nor, at the first, that I could not find God,
Because the heavens stretched endlessly like space.
At last, a terror seized my very soul;
I seemed alone in all the crowded place.

Then, sudden, one compassionate cried out,
Though like the rest his face from me he turned,
As I were one no angel might regard
(Beneath my feet the golden pavements burned.)

"No more in heaven than earth will he find God
Who does not know his loving mercy swift,
But waits the moment consummate and ripe,
Each burden, from each human soul to lift."

Though I was dead, I died again for shame.
Lonely, to flee from heaven again I turned;
The ranks of angels looked away from me
(Beneath my feet the golden pavements burned.)

"A Dream" By Helen Hunt Jackson (1831-1885)

The young woman sighed and delayed her confession by fussing with her nightgown. She fingered the lace border for a moment, lost in thought.

"It is so strange. I feel as if I just woke up from a dream with a whole new life. I never realized how much of my life I lived in limbo. If it were not for the fact that I remember the feel of Lilith's control over me, I would indeed believe I have been insane ever since Papa died."

She looked up suddenly.

"In truth you never met my Papa, did you? I am still a bit confused."

He smiled gently and removed her hand from its fidgeting of the lace.

"No, I never met your Papa, at least not while he truly lived. Well, I did see him, but I never received a formal introduction to him. We met for just the briefest of moments that one time when I brought you to him after you hurt your chin. However, I do not believe that he paid me much attention. He was quite concerned, and rightly so, with your injury. Head wounds bleed profusely and once he ascertained that I bore no responsibility for the gash on your chin, he promptly forgot all about me and tended to you."

"So, was it real the memories I have of you living with Papa and me during the last months before he passed? No. Those memories are not real. They cannot be true. I wish that they were. The memories I have of finding Papa all by myself, those memories are true. And, that was when Lilith first spoke to me. She stroked my hair and sang to me. She told me that she would protect me, keep me safe. She promised that no one would ever be able to hurt me again. She kept that promise, Erik. The only thing that she neglected to tell me was that in order that no one hurt me again, no one would ever love me again. That was the trade. I could not allow anyone to become close to me. I remember when Madame would try to hold me and comfort me, but I would not allow it. I would allow Lilith to step into me and take over. She told me that she needed to do things to make certain that people would not be able to hurt me.

"At first, she spoke to me, but all too soon, she simply took over and I no longer remembered when she was in control. Part of me knew that I did not remember things like other people. That sometimes I would be lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and then, in the blink of an eye, I would be shoveling manure. The more I sensed my difference, the more I isolated myself. The more anger I kept inside me, the less other people tried to befriend me. I spent my days running errands or performing menial tasks and then I hid myself away in the chapel or the library. I lived my life in books and Lilith waited. She knew that a child's body would do her no good. She wanted a woman's body, so she waited. She began to exercise more control over my body and I missed even more time as soon as I began my monthlies. The other girls in the ballet corps and chorus, they sensed that something was wrong with me. They would giggle and tease me unmercifully, which only served to arouse further my anger. My anger always awoke Lilith and allowed her to take control of me. She began playing her pranks soon thereafter. I told you of the notes, those I did, but I now remember other things I did. Mean spiteful things. Well, my body did them, but Lilith controlled me. I may not have performed the acts, but I allowed Lilith to use me, so in the end, I am responsible for the terrible things she did.

"May that God forgive me! I hurt people! I killed someone, Erik! I hated the prima donna. Her name was La Carlotta. She was vain, petty and cruel, but she did not deserve to die! During a performance of Romeo and Juliet, I switched the prop dagger with a real one. In the scene where Juliet kills herself, Carlotta used the real dagger. She plunged that dagger into her heart and died there on the stage. She died because of me. How can you love me? I am a vandal, a thief, a murderess! I am all of the things of which Lilith accused me. I am guilty."

She turned her head away and hid her face in her hands as she began to sob.

"I do not deserve your love. I do not know how you can stand to look at me."

She mumbled into hands that clutched into fists against her cheeks.

"I am evil, an abomination..."

The man swiftly interrupted her torrent of guilt.

"No! You are not evil, Christine. You were an innocent child. Lilith warped and twisted you into believing things that were not true. She used you and lied to you. Christine, do you know why Lilith needed you? Do you?"

She raised her tear-streaked face and looked into his eyes. Erik saw the desperate hope burning in them.

"No. I do not. Why did she need me, Erik? Why?" She whispered.