Chapter 15: You Love Me Now!

At last, when all the summer shine
that warmed life's early hours is past,
your loving fingers seek for mine
and hold them close — at last — at last!
Not oft the robin comes to build
its nest upon the leafless bough
by autumn robbed, by winter chilled, —
but you, dear heart, you love me now.

Though there are shadows on my brow
And furrows on my cheek, in truth, —
the marks where Time's remorseless plough
broke up the blooming sward of Youth, —
though fled is every girlish grace
might win or hold a lover's vow,
despite my sad and faded face,
and darkened heart, you love me now!

I count no more my wasted tears;
they left no echo of their fall;
I mourn no more my lonesome years;
this blessed hour atones for all.
I fear not all that Time or Fate
may bring to burden heart or brow, —
strong in the love that came so late,
our souls shall keep it always now!

"At Last" by Elizabeth Akers Allen © 1912, Yale Book of American Verse

A brilliant smile spread across Christine's mouth and her eyes took on a radiant sparkle.

"Erik, yes. Oh! Yes! Nothing would please me more than to be your wife!"

For a moment, the man sat unmoving, his mind unable to register the import of her words.

"Erik..."

Christine began in a timid voice, when Erik's joyous cry startled her into silence and he drew her into an even tighter than before. After a moment, he loosened his arms and set her back from him. He held up the small velvet box, opened it and withdrew one of the treasures it contained. The diamonds and yellow gold caught the sunlight and glistened so brilliantly that it almost, but not quite, rivaled the couples' radiant expressions. He solemnly slid the ring upon the third finger of Christine's left hand and then placed an exquisitely soft kiss upon her finger just below the ring.

"This was my mother's betrothal ring. She gave it to me before she passed and told me that I should give it to the woman I intend to make my wife. I hope you like it, Christine."

He spoke in a reverent tone and Christine looked at the ring on her hand in awe.

"It is the most beautiful ring I have ever seen, Erik. Truly, I adore it and I adore you! To think, only yesterday I felt so lost and alone. Now ... Well, from the moment I first saw you, I knew."

She paused, a serious expression clouding her happy face.

"Erik, do you feel the same? I know my question is hardly appropriate considering you just asked for my hand, but I have never been one to play coy games. Indeed, I am completely inexperienced in matters of the heart. You are the only man I have ever kissed. Nay, you are the only man I have ever wished to kiss."

She halted, turned away from him and felt her cheeks blush a furious crimson.

He threw his head back and released a stream of musical laughter that sent a pleasant thrill down Christine's spine. He turned her face to his.

"Oh, Christine! You are truly a wonder! In all of my 30 years on this earth, never did I believe I would find love, much less find a lady as lovely as you are and one that would consent to be my wife. I shall tell you something that may assuage your fears; yours were the first lips I have ever kissed with passion. I have never kissed anyone before last night, well, I kissed my mother's cheek but as I am certain you kissed your parents, I believe we mean the same thing. Do we not?"

Overcome with the intensity of her emotions and unable to speak, Christine simply nodded her head. As Erik once again wrapped his arms around the woman who was now his fiancée, he felt overcome by his desire. His eyes darkened and he lowered his mouth to take Christine's in a passionate kiss. Lost in the heat of the moment, Erik raised his hand to caress Christine's cheek and was shocked as she suddenly broke their kiss and knocked his hand away from her face as if his touch burned. He gaped in silent shock for a moment and she turned away from him her cheeks aflame.

"Christine? What did I do? What is wrong?"

She placed her hand to her forehead and massaged it as if she were in pain.

"You did nothing. I apologize, Erik. You caught me unaware. I am unused to having my face touched affectionately. I have an aversion to being touched there. Too many years of taunting slaps from the ballet rats and chorus girls. To put it simply, I guess I have spent too many years alone."

Erik reached out his hand and tentatively placed it on Christine's shoulder, giving her a gentle squeeze to capture her attention. When she finally met his eyes, he saw a deep and abiding sadness in them. He sighed, amazed at how quickly their bliss had transformed into this tormented state of affairs.

"My God! What kind of life has she known?"

"Do you want to tell me about it? If you are not ready to speak of it, I understand. Just know that I am a willing ear when you are ready and a broad shoulder should you need one."

She found the sincerity she read in his eyes disturbing and she looked away from him once more. She lowered her eyes to the ring she wore on her hand and began to fiddle with it.

"What am I doing? I do not know this man, yet I have consented to be his wife. Worse yet, the poor man does not know what type of horror he has asked to be his bride! He is such a fine gentleman. He could have his pick of any woman, why on earth did he choose me? It does not make any sense. How can I love him? I only met him yesterday. Did I really see his face in the stained glass window of the chapel? Why am I beginning to doubt him now? Is it because he touched my face? How can he not see what everyone else sees when they look at me? He is the only one besides Madame, Meg and Raoul that sees me as something other than a freak. And, he loves me. That look in his eyes is not just lust. I have seen that many times in the eyes of the stagehands, but he has the same look in his eyes when he looks at me as Raoul and Meg have when they look at one another. Do I have that look in my eyes when I look upon him? Do I love him? Do I even know what love is? Of course I do! My father loved me. Why am I suddenly so full of doubt? Must I destroy every good thing that life puts in my path? Why can I not simply accept this man's love and leave the past where it belongs ... in the past. I need to try. Perhaps, in telling him, I can purge this torturous self-loathing from my psyche."

Feeling his eyes upon her, Christine looked up. She felt her doubts fall away, at least for the moment, as the love in his emerald green eyes swallowed her whole.

"I should at least warn him and allow him the chance to reconsider. I need to let him know that part of me feels broken and I do not understand why. He needs to hear the real story of the opera ghost."

She cleared her throat and he stilled, his eyes reading something disturbing in the depths of hers.

"Erik, you are the first person since my father died to make me feel something ... something good, something beautiful. I ... well ... you ... Let me attempt this once again. However, I need to tell you of the things people say about me. It is only fair for me to allow you to be aware of the gossip that follows me. You are a successful man. Taking me as a wife may not be the most auspicious business decision you make. I simply need to allow you a chance to change your mind. I will tell you my tale and thank you, by the way, for offering to lend me your ear. You are so wonderful. I can only hope you still want me when you have learned all there is to know of the opera ghost."