Letter 1 - Guilty By Accident

Dear Judge,

Now I was supposed to write you this and explain how come the woman I accidentally did was not illegally done after all. What she was turned out to be the party of the first part of the party. I been told I was supposed to use legal words because that is what the defrocked lawyer that went to a mail order law school and has a real diploma and everything and is in here on bad check charges said I should do. But I don't know any of that fancy lawyer talk.

Anyway, I admit I was the doer to the party of the first part, that lady cop, and she was the doee of the second part, as well as the party of the first part. And I was all drunk and had uncontrollable facilities or something. Anyway you know what I mean, you being a high class judge and all.

I mean after all I was drunk because that is what bars are for, to get drunk in, ain't they. Isn't it in bars where you go to get a little strange and get drunk? Otherwise why have bars in the first place? You know what I mean? Anyways, it all started over this pool game. We was playing eight ball on a coin table and one of the guys watching said as how his dick got way harder than a cue ball. And somebody else said that he was full of shit because no part of the hardest dude alive ever was near as hard as a cue ball. So he said that if his old lady was there to get him hard he'd prove it.

And one of the other guys there said, "Well here, use my old lady, she won't mind."

And so he asked her politely if she would mind and she asked him if he had took a bath that week. I guess she was kind of finicky. Anyway, he said yeah that he had a bath just the day before. So she got down on her knees started getting him hard. You know what a hummer is? No, I don't mean one of them big fat ugly cars that burns a shit load of gas going around the block ... This kind of hummer is where she chomps down on his manliness and hums a song. This is a real interesting thing to experience.

I was told don't say peter or cock in this letter so I won't. He said that you was real refined and had a shit fit every time anyone said stuff you don't like to hear as you being so high class and all. So I shall refrain myself and try to use highly toned language.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah she chomped down on his manly hood. To make a long story short, she was a real patriot type female and she hummed God Bless America and gave head at the same time. It was a real spiritual and uplifting thing to see and hear. It made me proud to be an American. Anyway, he stood there with a goofy grin and chugged another pitcher of beer while she is doing her patriotic deed on him.

Just before he started to go off, she quit and he staggered over to the pool table and said his dick was as hard as any cue ball ever made. So when he laid it on the table, I took aim (It was my turn to shoot) and I did a back reverse English shot on that cue ball and when it hit the head of his dick, that old boy went into shock from all the pain he must have been experiencing.

Now what was real funny was that with all that back English on the cue ball, it just sat there on the table in one place, tight up against his big old dick, and spun. In fact, it completely spun the foreskin right off him and he went into more shock. Now he weighed in at a good two seventy-five. And was a little under six feet tall. His big old fat face went red in places and white in places and his eyes crossed and tried to open real wide and scrunch closed at the same time. I mean it was a real awesome sight let me tell you.

Now I know for sure if Jerry Springer had been there he would of turned the cameras on the whole exciting episode. I mean, how often do you get to see a pool ball squish a dude's dick and then rub the foreskin off by spin friction? I mean Jerry Springer searches all over America for true to life odd events and this was true and odd both, believe you me.

Anyway, his buddy got pissed and hit me over the head with a cue stick and it broke. I got a steel plate from a bike wreck and it takes one hell of a lot more than a cue stick to put me out. So when I grinned at him, he got pale his own self and took off. He beat feet out of there like a herd of pit bulls was after him.

He left his old lady behind in a booth, so I took her across the street from the Humper Bar And Grill to the By The Hour Motel and carried her inside. She was some drunk her own self and couldn't walk too good. But so was I. So anyway, I laid her on the bed and went back to the bar and had another pitcher of beer and come back,

Now that was where all that brown stuff hit the fan like they say in refined circles. I went in and got undressed and I rolled her over and with great tender feelings shoved it in her mouth and went to work. Right from the git go she got wild as hell. I mean she was a wild one, all right. After I went off and I pulled out and she yelled like bloody murder and I saw that she was not who I put in that bed in that room.

Anyway, I did what any gentleman would do and I apologized for violating her lips. Hey, you would have done the same thing if you made a mistake like that. I mean you got to be real unsensitive not to apologize when one is due. But even after I apologized, she just turned up the sound knob and screeched louder.

Now let me back up and tell you what else happened. The desk clerk saw me take off and go back across the street and so he thought I was done with her before I didn't even have a chance get to started yet. So he took her back to the office and done her there. Two cops on stakeout wanted that very room for their stake out and so the desk clerk let them have it even though I had paid for two full hours. After all I was out of the room and he took the lady I was dating out of the room, so it was vacant as far as he was concerned.

Now this is where it gets all fuzzy like because some guy starts pounding on my head with a gun butt. At the same time The lady I just showed such a great time to pulled out a badge and somehow, while she was spitting and wiping her mouth was able to scream at me, "You are under arrest you filthy perverted son of a bitch!" That was the last thing I remember because a gun went off and the slug hit me in the middle of my steel plate and kind of knocked me out a little bit.

So you see, it was all a big misunderstanding and I didn't really mean to white wash that lady cop's tonsils. And if she hadn't gone in and laid down on my bed that I still had a whole hour paid on the rent yet, none of this would ever of happened.

Now I want to sue the cops for shooting me in the head. They claim that was accidental like. And if they can claim they shot me in the head by accident from just eight inches behind me, why can't I claim the eight inches I put in her mouth was a legal accident? After all, no man in his right mind would even dream of doing a cop in the mouth or anywhere else for that matter.

So anyways after I got a street lawyer and came up before you and you was nice enough to release me OR (That means on my own recognition, you know.) I swore I would stay out of trouble with no cops. What was you laughing so hard about? I did my level best to be real dignified.

Sincerely yours,

Elmo Thudpacker.

Letter 2 - Victimized By Circumstances

Dear Judge,

Well it looks like I got busted again. And let me tell you that this is again not my fault this time either. I am a victim of circumstances all over again. This shit just keeps happening to me and I am the victim of it all. I been trying to stay out of trouble because you being so tight assed about such things and all. I have been doing my level best not to piss you off. Because one thing I know for sure is that you never want to piss off a judge when you got to appear in front of him. You know that your own self.

So let me tell you what happened in my own words that is more honest than that lying cop who is full of shit about things. Besides, he wasn't even there when it all happened. I got me a job and I was on my way home when I got a big assed thirst and so I stopped in at the Humper Bar And Grill to have me a great hamburger and a pitcher of brew to wash it down. I was clear at the far end of the bar when the shit happened. I swear on my mother's grave when she dies that I never did none of the things they said I done.

Now I did say to the bar tender, a personal friend of mine that some fat women got holes on them that echoed when you yelled up inside them, but I was not directing it at nobody present. I just made my harmless observation and then I felt a clunk on my head and a broken half of a cue stick fell right down into my pitcher of beer. I knew immediately and without a shadow of a doubt that someone had hit me on the head with a pool cue stick. As I told you in that other letter about my misfortunes that I got a steel plate in my head and it takes a hell of a hit to even give me a headache.

So anyway I turned on my stool and I saw the other part of the broke pool cue in this fat gal's hand and I was smart enough to put two and two together and get an answer. Her eyes got real big that I didn't fall over. I am used to this reaction from people who smack me over the head and then crap in their pants when I don't fall over and be knocked out.

So anyways, she says to me, "Oh, I'm sorry that I stumbled. Excuse me."

I said something real clever about how she had to kiss me where it hurt and she smiled and reached over and patted my leg and I accidentally shifted on my stool and she accidentally patted me on the dick and her old man saw it and just like that cop jumped to the wrong conclusions.

Any way he said something impolite and I explained that he was full of shit and his old lady wasn't groping me and even if she was it was none of his business because those lesbians got liberations and women can now grope anyone they want to and that it was the law. I want you to know I have great respect for the law whenever it is convenient.

He said, "The hell it is," and brought his fist down on my head and broke his knuckles and I tried to slip off the stool and get away from the trouble I saw real clear was brewing. I slipped as I got off the stool and my knee accidentally came in contact with his nuts and he went over backwards and I accidentally tripped fell on his knee what was attached to his leg right then. He screamed as his knee was broke so I helped him over to his booth and was helping him into it and I slipped again and he fell on the floor and somehow I ended up face down in his old lady's lap, which is located right smack dab in the middle between her legs.

So anyway the cop was lying when he said she was grinning ear to ear like he said in his report. She was not grinning because she was giggling and you can't grin and giggle at the same time very easy. And she was giving a lady like giggle because my beard was tickling her thighs on the inside. And the cop was lying and I ask you, who would you rather believe, some lying cop or me who has been a real good customer of yours and all? Me too, I wouldn't never believe a lying cop neither.

So anyway, to make things worse, this cop is the brother of the lady cop who accidentally blew me last month in another bad case of mistaken identity that is already in your court, if you remember. What he done next was real impolite and he took out his gun and yelled, "That was my sister you messed with last month."

And, as soon as I could get my face unstuck from between her thighs, I yelled back that his sister was to blame for getting in my bed uninvited. So he got red faced and shot me in the head with his thirty-eight cop special. The results were the same as when that cop shot me in the head last time and I got a headache then too. But this time, it was worse because he shot me twice in the head. Now that was real improper on his part. Nobody likes to get shot by cop or anybody else.

Then his partner told him it didn't look right to shoot me three times when I was still faced head down between that woman's legs and not armed or nothing. And besides, his sister wasn't much of a lay anyhow. So her brother said, "yeah, you're right." And they drug me off to jail. That is where I am now waiting on your pleasure, which I hope comes soon.

Any way, the lady with the nice giggle, her name is Clarabelle Stedman, has been coming to see me while I am in here because she says that her old man Willy won't be out of the hospital real soon and she don't give a rat's ass no how because she is dumping him like a load of dirt and she wants to take up with me because I got such a nice beard and all. Then she blushed and laughed real shy like on account of she is a real lady and all.

Can you do something about these shitty computers the jailhouse has for us prisoners? The spell checkers keep going crazy and keep changing what I write by hand one key at a time. They are just plain old junk. Now if you are interested I know where you can get some real nice sort of surplus computers that are FBI surplus. Anyway, they have these stickers on them that say FBI on them. So they are surplus, I guess. But they are cheap and better than these junky ones.

I got to close now cause Clarabelle is coming to visit me and since I am a trustee we get to be alone in the broom closet for half an hour. She says that part of the visit is good, but that she wished that guard would change his shorts more often because they are grungy and put her off when he pulls them down.

What that guard don't know is that Clarabelle is faking her organism with him. She told me so. But she has to give him some or I don't get none. I guess it's probably like that all over.

Very sincerely,

Your friend and good customer,

Elmo Thudpacker

Letter 3 - A Hole New Bunch Of Problems

Dear Judge,

It looks like the shit hit the fan for sure this time. I am on a new computer in the hole. That is what they call solitary confinement, you know. It seems that they can't take away my computer rights because I am having to prepare my own case because that fucking PD. (That's what they call the public defender, you know), that fucking PD couldn't defend a steak sandwich from one of those veggie guys. (Or is it veggie gays? I get that shit all confused.) Any was it was his fault about every bit of what happened!

I tried to tell him about me and that female cop and how since she got in my bed, and she never said stop it wasn't rape to do her in the mouth that way. I mean after all, I am as sensitive as the next guy about all that women's lib crap. They just need a good horn dog stuck in them now and then and they would all of them straighten right out. But that PD, he is a real artsy artsy pansy ass and he told me he didn't have time to listen to my brainless tirade.

So I said, "Listen you skinny fucker, you're my lawyer and you got to listen to my side of things so you can defend me."

And looked me right in the eye and he said that it was not his job to defend me but to see if he could make a deal with the DA for me so that I could plea to a lesser sentence and not do so much time.

Now that is where all this misunderstanding happened. He is supposed to act like a lawyer and he didn't. So I told him right out that a PD was supposed to defend because that was the D in the word PD. And I tried to make him see where his head wasn't on straight.

He looked me right in the eye and he said, "You poor simpleton, if my head isn't screwed on straight and yours is, why are you behind bars and I'm not?" He looked at me and shook his head and then he really dissed me and curled his lip at me and I got pissed.

Now I am a peaceable kind of guy that wouldn't hurt a flea. But no man can get dissed in public and still hold his head up high and be proud. Besides if I let a little scrawny punk ass like him dis me, especially here in jail, then I will have to prove my manhood over and over again and it just ain't worth the hassle. So I dissed him right back. What I done was I reached through the bars and grabbed the back of his head and jerked his head to the bars. I meant to thump some good sense into him. I figured that if I just thumped his head and the bars together a few times he would listen to reason and stop that shit of pleading to a lesser felony. Well screw him. You being a high-class sort of guy you understand, don't you? Yeah, I thought so.

Well, anyways it was hot in there on account of the air conditioner not working and all and we was all sweating. And anyway, when I grabbed his head and give him a jerk, I didn't realize how small his head really was when his mouth was shut. So instead of getting a head thump on the bars, his head just sort of slid on through between the bars. His face was so sweaty and all that he only got a couple of little bruises on his cheeks slipping through and all.

Now that is where things got sort of complicated because there was a trustee on his side of the bars we nick named Junk Yard because he is as mean as a junk yard dog. He also has a real twisty mind and is one of them perverts that would get some head from a rattlesnake and not even jerk out its fangs. So when he saw that PD bent over and had his head stuck in the bars, he just grinned like Bill Clinton in a nunnery. He dropped that little dude's pants and dry humped him right up the butt. That was most unpolite of him. But since Junk Yard is six-three or four and weighs over three hundred pounds of mean, I wasn't going to say nothing. You see I know when to keep my mouth closed, not like that lady cop I had the little misunderstanding with.

Then Bubba, that big outlaw biker who is in here for throwing policemen through windows saw that PD with his mouth open and getting ready to yell. Can you guess what happened next? You're right! That little PD got his start in a new hobby big time. And this all happened because he dissed me and wouldn't keep his mouth shut. So you see, it was his own fault that things got a little out of hand.