Chapter 16

Lacey went back to see Claire ahead of schedule, and told her everything that had happened. Claire put her under again, and spent an hour exploring the details of the rape that she hadn't gone after earlier. As each horrible part of the assault was revealed, Claire worked more instructions into the dialog, intended to minimize the emotional impact of the memories. Then she brought Lacey out of the hypnotic trance and spent another hour with her, concentrating on the things that Lacey felt were better in her life.

"Is it weird that I love Bob, even though we don't really have all the history my mind keeps telling me is there?" she asked.

"Love is weird," said Claire, smiling. "Love doesn't make any sense at all sometimes. We don't know where it comes from, or why it centers on the people it does. There might be no logical reason for you to love Bob at all, but that doesn't mean anything. It's what you feel that's important."

"But how do I know I really feel that way?" asked Lacey.

"You're afraid that one false memory means you have other false memories," suggested Claire.

"Yes."

"Let's go back to your relationship with Paul for a minute, OK?" Claire crossed her legs. "When you married him, you loved him, right?"

"I remember loving him," said Lacey. It was obvious she didn't trust that memory.

"And you remember being unsatisfied and frustrated with him, right?"

"Yes."

"At this point in the game," said Claire, "what difference does it make if either or both of those memories is a result of the accident, instead of being historically accurate?"

"But what if I really still love Paul?" asked Lacey, getting agitated. "What if the bad memories of him are false?"

"DO you still feel like you love Paul?" asked Claire quietly.

"No." Lacey sounded defeated. "But what if I'm supposed to? I mean if the accident had never happened, I might still love him. This is all so confusing!"

"Look," said Claire, her voice soothing because she made it that way. "The unfortunate fact is that truth is relative sometimes. Some things appear to be true because we BELIEVE they're true. In cases like that, it doesn't really matter whether something is actually true or not. If the mind believes it, then the mind acts on things based on that belief. In this case, you believe you don't love Paul any more, and you believe you do love Bob. Unless something changes to alter that belief, then, for all intents and purposes, it is true."

"So you're telling me not to worry about it," said Lacey.

"Not at all," said Claire. "The purpose of education and debate is to explore those things that people accept as truth. Your experience during the rape is a perfect example. You believed that if you had an orgasm during the attack, that it meant you were enjoying it. So did Paul, for that matter. But the truth is that something else was going on there. What you both believed wasn't true, but you both acted on it as if it were. Now that you understand the truth of what happened, your feelings of guilt are gone. There's nothing wrong with seeking to clarify things that are uncertain, for one reason or another. If you're not sure about something, it's a very good idea to investigate that."

"So I should question how I feel about Bob?" Lacey didn't sound happy.

"Not question ... explore." Claire re-crossed her legs. "What you feel for Bob is real, but it's based on something that may not be true. I suspect that you felt the attraction ... the attachment ... before any of this happened. All the accident did was let you expand on that and believe it consciously. It freed you to feel the way you wanted to feel. What I'd suggest now is that you explore the relationship, and begin to base it on things that are real in the present. This isn't radical thinking, Lacey. This is the kind of thing that married couples need to do all the time. People change, and getting married doesn't stop that. If you stay together for longer than a few years, you need to keep falling in love with your spouse, because he or she keeps turning into a new person."

"I never thought of relationships like that before," said Lacey. "But it makes sense. It's obvious when you think about it. Why didn't I ever think about it before?"

"We get stuck in ruts," said Claire. "It's easy to just stay in them. They make it so we don't have to think about where we're going. We think the ruts will just take us where we want to go."

"So people are in these ruts, believing things that may not be true, and not really thinking about what's going on in their lives. That's so sad." Lacey sighed.

"It can be," said Claire. "But change is very hard. Look what happened to you when you bounced out of the ruts you were in."

Lacey's reaction was slightly different than Claire thought it might be. Her patient smiled.

"I'm glad I got out of the ruts I was in," she said. "This has been very difficult for me, but I know I'm in a better place than I was. Isn't that strange? I was raped, and in a terrible accident ... and yet I'm actually glad it happened. That's just so strange!"

"Not strange at all," said Claire firmly. "It simply means that you're dealing with the circumstances that fate has visited upon you. Hope and joy and love are stronger than the bad things. You've recognized that, and have chosen to seek out the good things in your life. I'm very happy about that, Lacey. It means you won't be needing me much longer."

Ironically—and there's no better word for it—Lacey's reaction to her latest session with her psychiatrist resulted in her settling into a new set of ruts in her life. She decided not to question her feelings for Bob. Paul was gone, and the dim memories she had of him weren't appealing, so she didn't think much about him either. Her business was doing well. She was happy. Though there were still holes in her memory, she didn't worry about them. She developed another "belief" that wasn't based on facts. As far as she was concerned, if she didn't remember something, it wasn't very important. Life was good, and she intended to enjoy it.

Part of that was enjoying being in love with, and being loved by Bob Duncan. And part of THAT was the physical love they shared, which she no longer associated with anything unhappy in her history.

It wasn't so easy for Bob. His memory was fully intact, and his moral code was unaffected by trauma. Irony was also present in the way he tried to deal with the situation. In his case, what he chose to believe wasn't based on "facts." Instead, it was the LACK of facts that let him tell himself that there was no PROOF that Lacey Fetterman had murdered a man. Unfortunately, his experience and intellect kept telling him otherwise.

That Lacey loved him was no longer in question. They talked about the things she and Claire had discussed. Lacey found innumerable reasons to love Bob, and told him about them. And his feelings for her were unquestionable too. He was well aware that part of his attraction to her was based on lust. He had lusted after her when he first met her. What had changed was that now he couldn't imagine his life without her.

And if he acted on what he knew ... or thought he knew ... she could very easily be snatched out of his life, possibly for years, while prison destroyed her. He had no doubt prison would destroy a woman like Lacey. She was too bright, and active, and involved in life to survive sitting in an eight by ten room for hours on end, watching daytime television, and trying to just survive when she was outside that room.

To read this story you need a Registration + Premier Membership
If you have an account, then please Log In or Register (Why register?)

Support the author's future writing by purchasing this book from Bookapy

Mistrusting a Memory

Lubrican

$4.50