Chapter 1

Lea listened into the conversation around her. It was mainly the usual stuff- boyfriends, what was currently masquerading as 'plot' in the soaps, boyfriends, latest fashions, boyfriends, what bra size they were currently residing in, boyfriends...

A couple of boys walked past, tucking into chocolate bars and packets of crisps. The girls stopped their conversation. The two disparate groups eyeballing each other, sizing up each opposite member to an internal checklist wildly different to each individual.

Lea stared at the chocolate and crisps, her stomach yearning for the delights contained within the wrappers.

The boys moved beyond earshot and the conversation restarted from where it had left off. Leas stomach rumbled unhappily.

'LEA! That's not you thinking about food AGAIN!' Tracy looked at her with a smug expression, standing there with her voluptuous curves and a string of boyfriends dotted around school.

Bitch! Lea was diverted from thoughts of food back to thoughts on her own physique. She was comfortably amongst the middle age group of the girls in her class, yet when it came to development, she was resoundingly falling behind. Every one else has a fucking cleavage for fucks sake!

'Are you sure you are not pilling on the pounds?' Leanne looked at her speculatively. That's it; kick a girl when she's down why don't you. 'Can we have cellulite at our age?' Leanne asked of the other girls.

An evil glint came into Tracy's eyes, 'Don't know. But some of us certainly have bad hair days' she said, looking pointedly at Lea.

Yeah, nice one you cow. I hope you get a bad dose of acne 'I missed my alarm this morning, had to leave in a rush okay.'

'Not the only thing you missed this morning. Somebody call the fashion police!' Amy laughed at her. The other girls joined in.

Oh ha fucking ha. Anyone else want to stick the knife in? I think there is some room left in my back. Go on, I know you want to.

Kerry had obviously decided it was her turn 'So... '

Here we go, make it a good one.

'Any success on the boyfriend front then?'

Bingo! Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars or the slightest scrap of self esteem.

The school bell rang, signalling the return to lessons. Thank fuck.

Her pencil spun idly in her fingers as she stared down at the question paper, her thoughts a thousand miles away. She'd had "The Talk" with her mother months ago, yet the assurances from her mother that her "Puppy"- what a fucking stupid term- "fat" would disappear to be replaced by curves in other places, did not seem to be happening. Far from disappearing mum, the fucking puppy is turning into a friggin' dog. And it's eating my chest!

Lea looked around the room and at the various and varied examples of male attitude that the room contained. None of them elicited any desires of motherhood within her. I'd rather go out with lonesome Mary than any of those pricks; she paused, great, to cap it all, I'm turning into a fucking dyke. Someone pass me one of those knifes in my back. I want to slash my wrists now, while the going is still good.

'Lea?' she looked up at the teacher 'Are you going to attempt the paper? Or do think that it is mysteriously going to fill out by itself? This isn't Hogwarts." There was sycophantic laughter around the room at the teachers comment.

Whatever.

She looked out the bus window into the passing shop windows and the mannequins wearing trendy gear. Trendy gear that she had no hope of affording as they slowly made their way down the street. The seat next to her was empty, the occupational status both a curse and a blessing. The clothing shops gave way to a series of banks, pubs and hardware stores at this point in the street and her gaze moved back into the bus.

Her gaze flitted over her brother opposite and several rows down. He was fully engaged in an animated conversation about some pathetic subject that only boys found interesting.

Why couldn't he have sat next to me? Then I could give him some of those knives from my back. I've plenty to go around, I'd hate for it to be said that I don't share. The painful subject of boyfriends resurfaced, her gaze wandered over those bags of barely restrained testosterone within her view. In her minds eye, big red crosses appeared over their heads. A big green tick appeared over one whose looks did appeal to her. One slight problem, the individual in question was her brother.

Fucking typical!

The Bus slowed and pulled over. Their stop. Without a glance in her direction, her brother grabbed his bag and moved to the front of the bus. Lea trailed forlornly after.

She stared at his back as they made their way home. We may not be in the same class, but we get on the same flamin' bus, live in the same flamin' house, so the least he could flamin' do, is walk me flamin' home. She was not happy, and that was an understatement. The memory of another one of her mothers' infamous "Friendly" chats un-welcomly surfaced.

'Your body is going through a lot of changes dear. Various organs in your body are producing lots of hormones for the first time, only they do not know how much to produce' Her mother had smiled comfortingly and held her close as she carried on 'It will take them a while to get it right, but get it right they will. In the meantime, you will experience mood swings that might confuse or scare you. But don't worry, every women goes through them. Don't feel as though you are a monster or a freak. I will always be here for you and it WILL pass. Someday- hopefully not for a long time- you will be having this conversation with your own daughter.'

Thanks a fucking bunch mum. Oh, and you 'forgot' to mention the friggin' pain. Her brother turned into their driveway, but stopped at the door, turning on hearing her approach.

"Sis, got a key? I forgot mine."

She sighed and reached into her schoolbag.

Another stab of pain lanced into her belly. She winced and clutched tighter onto her large fluffy bunny. Pulling her knees closer, she curled up on her bed. The pain subsided slightly but her hold on the soft cuddly toy did not.

Boy! Did they ever forget to mention the pain.

Her brother was busy killing someone or something in his room on his console. She wanted to kill something as well, or at least have someone hold her.

Who the fuck in their right mind would want to be a girl?

The pain subsided enough that she risked stretching her legs out again. No sharp resurgence of pain. She decided to go for broke and tentatively rose from the bed. She was thirsty and hungry. She was always hungry.

How come Thomas can eat everything in sight and STILL get thinner? Proof, if proof was needed, that God was indeed a man.

She had a sudden and strong craving for a cheese and pepperoni pizza. Lots of cheese, lots of pepperoni and lots of pizza, she found herself almost drooling at the thought. She cautiously made her way down the stairs, the pain from her womb slowly subsiding. In the kitchen, she turned on the cold water tap. Reaching up to open the cupboard that held the mugs and glasses, a mild stab of pain made her wince. She reduced the water flow from the tap and filled her glass. As she took a grateful sip, Thomas shouted in his room. He had either died spectacularly, or won spectacularly. It was hard to tell. She sat the glass down on the work surface, placed a palm either side of the sink, leaning over as a wave of nausea swept through her.

Oh, this is a great bundle of laughs. Ravenous one minute, sick the next. And it gets worse when you're preggers, apparently.

She stared down into the darkness of the plughole. Her hair slipped from her shoulders to fall down either side of her face. The wave of nausea past and she turned of the tap. She flicked her head, forcing most of hair back behind her shoulders. Picking up the glass with her right hand, she swept errant hair back behind her ears with her left.

Back in her room, she carefully placed the glass on the cabinet beside her bed. Climbing back onto her bed, she pulled Mr Snuggles her large fluffy bunny close. She toyed with his large ears, tickling her nose with them. She wished Mr Snuggles would hug her close in return. Inevitably her thoughts turned back to her friends in school. They all seemed to have boyfriends, some even seemed to go out of their way to publicise the fact. Wrapped in each others arms, acting as though someone had super glued their lips together.

Bastards the lot of them.

The male members of the school floated passed her. There were a few that she liked the look off, yet their personalities turned her off. There was that teacher... Euurgh gross!... she swiftly moved on, a few faces appeared who should not have been there. For a minute, she pondered their soft complexions, shapely bodies and again wondered if she was gay. It was a depressing thought.

Why can't life be simple?

She thought of her brother again. If he wasn't my brother, would I? Damn right I would. So does that mean I am not gay? Why does he turn me on? He ignores me, we fight- often. Apart from being siblings, we have nothing in common. Well he doesn't have a girlfriend so we have that in common, I suppose. A loud, computer generated explosion emanated from her brother's bedroom. So what would happen if I walked in there and asked him to hold me? Derision, laughter, rejection and the whole school knowing about it the next day. Great, let's not go there.

She lay there, cuddling Mr Snuggles until her mother came home.

Her mother looked over as Lea stiffly entered the kitchen. 'Cramps?'

Lea nodded.

'Don't worry, it'll pass. Painful?'

Hell yeah! Leah nodded again.

Her mother opened a cupboard and pulled out a small packet. 'Here, take two Asprin and some water.' She removed a glass from the cupboard, filled it from the tap and gave Lea both glass and the two tablets.

Wonderful, if it isn't painful enough, lets fill the whole area with water. Lea dutifully took the proffered tablets and water.

'How was school today, love?'

Lea exhaled through her lips, her cheeks briefly inflating as she shrugged.

'What, a boy not caught your eye yet?' There was a definite twinkle in her mother's eye.

Don't you bloody start as well.

The sheets moved and rustled as she retracted her legs and adopted the foetal position. Arms gripping Mr Snuggles close to her chest, but not too tightly as her burgeoning breasts were a little tender.

The removable pad lining the inside of her pants was uncomfortable and not particularly welcome.

Lea just wanted to sleep. As tired as she was, sleep eluded her. Her body protesting at all the strange chemicals and hormones rampaging through her bloodstream. Even her joints ached.

Emotions warred inside for attention, so intermingled that she had trouble differentiating the feelings. Faces swept along with the feelings. Mary- maybe they were closer than she thought, were those feelings she was currently experiencing ones of shared pain or of something deeper? Kerry- definitely hate, can't stand the cow. Leanne- she had to think about her. Jealousy. Definitely jealousy. And how she has to just click her fingers and be surrounded by boys. Her brother's face appeared. She deliberately stopped thinking about her feelings.

The harsh tones of her alarm stirred her awake. She groaned and struggled up into a sitting position. Reaching over a slightly numb arm, she turned off the alarm. Apart from the grogginess, the pain and aches in her joints were gone. She stood and staggered to the door. Her limbs not quite working with the co-ordination they should.

She locked the bathroom door and turned on the taps in the sink. She stared at the monster staring back from the mirror. Squeezing toothpaste onto her brush, she removed the stale taste from her mouth whilst making funny faces at the monster in the mirror. A monster that replied in kind.

The shower taps were cold to her touch and she hastily stepped back from the spurt of cold water. Undressing, she disposed of the blood stained pad and gratefully entered the now warm stream of water. Methodically she started with her hair and worked her way down. Her breasts, she massaged more than washed. A soapy hand slid between her thighs and the water momentarily turned pink.

The tap dripped behind as she wrapped a large towel around her body. The door was repeatedly hit.

'Come on sis, hurry up!'

She bent and retrieved her nightwear, unlocked the door, brushing past her brother without a glance. Inside her room she opened a drawer and pulled out a clean pair of pants, pausing to slip a fresh pad into place. Next on was a pair of trousers. She hated wearing skirts to school -She hated how fat her legs looked and she didn't want to give her enemies any more ammunition than was absolutely necessary. Partly she was avoiding the inevitable. She pulled out a training bra, her shoulders slumping. She hated wearing them. They were uncomfortable, but her mother would not allow her to leave without wearing one.

'You're going to have to get used to wearing them at some point, might as well start now.' Was her mothers annoying reasoning.

She fastened the back clasp and slid the clasp around to her back. Her arms reluctantly slipped through their retrospective shoulder straps. The material over her breasts was loose, not yet filled out properly, which only helped to emphasize her slow progression through puberty. She resisted the temptation to pad out the cups. Another girl had tried that and had been caught and derided by firstly the other girls and then the boys, when they inevitably found out.

The straps were already digging into her shoulders by the time she had donned her blouse. She slipped on her fleece with the schools name and logo over her budding left breast.

'Breakfast is out!' Came her mothers shout from the Kitchen. Lea grabbed her schoolbag and headed downstairs.

The door shut with an audible "clunk" behind her as she walked down the path to the street. Her brother was a good way in front of her. She considered breaking into a run to catch him up, but could not find the energy this early in the morning. Instead, she settled for watching her brother rapidly disappear down the street towards the bus-stop.

How hard would it have been to have stopped for a moment, to wait for me. We don't have to hold hands- though that would be nice- just walk down the street together, a bit of companionable silence- or something.

Thomas, with his longer legs and stride, steadily increased the distance. By the time Lea arrived at the bus-stop, he was totally involved in some conversation involving football tactics.

Lea stood to the side a moped, yet became aware of being scrutinised. She looked round and met the gaze of a younger boy blatantly staring at her. She was not impressed at the scrutiny and made her feelings known to all.

'What the fuck are you staring at?' All conversation at the buss stop ceased. One of the boys speaking to Thomas laughed

'Must be that time of the month!'

Leas sense of humour, fragile to start with, evaporated. 'I'll give you fucking time of the... ' She stormed over to Thomas's friend, who had now paled significantly with the possibility of impending serious damage. She was almost within fingernail range when arms circled her waist and pulled her back. A pair of lips whispered in her ear.

'Easy now sis, he meant nothing by it.' Thomas did not relinquish his hold, which was almost an embrace. Lea stopped struggling against his firm hold, the enjoyment of his embrace overruling her anger. Her enjoyment was short-lived, ended by the arrival of the school bus. Both targets of Leas ire utilised her brother's restraint to quickly board the bus.

'Are you going to be nice, or am I going to have to sit next to you and play babysitter?'

Lea was not too angry to think the situation through. With a flash of inspiration, her reply was almost instant. 'I'm going to rip their fucking balls... '

Her brother sighed.

The bus pulled into the school car park and Lea regretfully removed her head from Thomas's shoulder, where it had been resting for most of the journey. She had calmed down and was in a thoroughly pleasant mood. Thomas boxed her in until the two boys left the bus. She glared at them as they past, just to keep up appearances.