Chapter 4

It's okay to live."

It felt like the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders when dad said that. I looked at Mike, and could tell he felt the same.

"Your dad's right, you know. We need to talk. We need to figure out what happened, and where we go from here."

"I know. And it's going to be ... Difficult."

"Of course, The important things usually are."

"Why don't you go sit on the couch. I'll get us some hot chocolate. Or would you rather have coffee?"

"I think I'd like some hot chocolate. I haven't had any in years."

My thoughts were in turmoil, as I got another cup down from the cupboard. I grabbed the cup off the drainboard for myself, and feeling the dampness, realized that Dad had been here long enough for a cup, at least. And the kettle was full, and still hot, too.

Oh god, what have I done?
How long had dad been here?
How much did he see? He seemed okay about it, but is he really?
I feel so good right now, but that's wrong, isn't it?
I just about raped a man I never met before!
No, not rape, but what was that? I never had sex like that before.
What must Mike think of me?
Damn, I acted like a total slut, but the only thing I can think about is how I want to do it again.
But I feel cleansed, some how, too. The pain is still there, but it doesn't hurt nearly as bad.

I was a little confused by what I'd done with Mike, but I was most worried by what he might be thinking of me. All I knew for sure, was that I didn't want to let go of him right now. With that thought, I finished making the hot chocolate, and took our cups over to the coffee table

Mike stood by the couch, waiting for me. When I set the cups on the coffee table he gestured for me to sit first. I sat on one end, chewing my lip. He sat at the other side. I had to say something, but how? "Mike, I'm sorry for..."

"Saving my life? Showing me that I am not alone in my grief? Letting me care for something, anything besides my losses? No, don't be sorry for that. We both had a need to fill. I think it a wonderful thing that we were able to fill each others need. We found each other without even knowing that we were looking. At least that's the way it seems to me.

Mike hung his head, and said, "Like your dad said, it's okay to live. The hard part is letting go of the guilt. Guilt for living I didn't even know I had."

I reached across the space between us, and wiped his tears from his face, and then my own. "I know what you mean. Could you hold me Mike? I need to feel you holding me."

He was across the couch and holding me, hugging me close before I finished, Whispering in my ear, "Shh, I have you. Nothing bad can happen now. I'm here. I won't let you go." Lots of other soothing meaningless words. He gently held my head against his chest and rocked me like a child. I needed that very badly; the comforting feel of being held by a man that cared. My dad used to hold me me that way, but that was years ago, when I was just a girl.

After a couple of minutes, I looked up and said," We need to know each other. We ... we need to tell each other our story. But I am so scared, because some of my life I've never told anyone, and I think I should tell you. Can you go first, though? Because I don't think I can, right now."

"Sure," he said. He paused for a moment, then said," How should I start? Where?"

I didn't know what to tell him. I thought a moment. The one thing we had in common, was we each had lost someone named Daniel. "Tell me about your Danny. He was your son, right? How did he die?"

I could see the pain in Mikes eyes, but he nodded, and when he started talking in a quiet voice, I rested my head on his chest to listen. He kept his arms around me, and said, "I have to go back further, to explain." He sighed, and said, " Danny joined the Marines, after 9-11. He was in his senior year of High School, and the recruiters made him finish. They told him a GED wasn't good enough, and that his placement could very well depend on his grades in school. Danny had never received good grades. C's mostly. I think he was bored by the classes. But after 9-11, he found purpose. Those last three quarters, he made deans list with 4.0s He ended up number four in his class.

I was so proud of him, and his grades. At the same time, I was both proud and saddened ... and a bit scared, of his joining the Marines.

Well, his purpose, and study habits held with him all through his training. Danny graduated boot camp number one, and was promoted to Private First class. He was number one in his Advanced training class, too. But he had to wait a few weeks for his promotion, to Lance Corporal. Something about required time in grade. All I knew was that he had been promoted twice, when the rest of the guys in his ... I guess you'd call it 'class, ' hadn't earned any promotions. Again, I was very proud. He never forgot what he wanted to do, though. He wanted to take the war that had been declared on us to the enemy. Danny had chosen and been accepted for something called expeditionary unit training. He said it was like reconnaissance and scouting. I found out later that he spent most of his time WAY behind the enemy lines, for weeks at a time, and that he rarely had any support other than his partner, Tommy. Two man teams were the rule. Those guys that do that stuff? They're the guys that the rest of the Marines talked about with awe. Yeah, there is no other word to describe it. And Danny was one of them.

Danny was assigned to a unit that was stationed in the Kandahar Province, in the southern part of Afghanistan. He was given a recon mission in the mountains near a town called Zaranj, on the border of Iran. They were to report on any insurgents Moving towards the border, so that fire teams could interdict them."

"What's that mean? Interdict?" I asked.

"It means, basically, to get into a position on the enemy's route of travel to capture or kill them. I doubt there was much capture, though. Iranians would rather be killed than captured."

"Oh, I get it."

"Any way," Mike said, "they had spotted a few groups, and called them in. Those groups were stopped. Iranians are not stupid, they knew there had to be someone watching. Long story short, the Iranians found them, and Tommy was wounded badly in the leg. Danny carried him out, even though he'd been hit, too. Danny was awarded a purple heart, and the Bronze Star. The citation for the Star says that Danny carried Tommy more than twenty miles back to safety. Neither Danny, nor Tommy ever talked about it. I do know from Danny's Commander that the twenty miles took them nine days. I can not even imagine what they went through. Tommy couldn't even come to the funeral. He wouldn't say why, just that he couldn't come.

"By the time Danny was recovered, his unit was cycling back to America, and he took a months leave to come home. I was so proud of him, that I took him out to dinner, the first night he was back, insisting that he wore his uniform. It was just the two of us, though, because the girl Danny had been seeing in High School, had run off while he in Afghanistan. Her parents still haven't found her.

"Anyway, we went out to dinner, at a place called Kenny's in Boardman. It's just about the best restaurant in the area. When we were getting ready to leave, we found that someone had picked up and paid our check. The Maitre di said it was someone wanting to say "Thanks." Seeing what that meant to Danny, some stranger doing that, is what got me started doing the same thing. Danny cried on the way home. He told me that he was not worthy of such an honor, and that he wished it hadn't happened. I told him much the same thing I told that young man tonight, that someone wanted to say thanks for doing something they couldn't; and to accept it in the manner it was given. That some of us recognize just how important our soldiers are to us.

Danny kicked around town, but never wore his uniform out again. He said he didn't want to tempt fate. After he went back to duty, he was reassigned to another unit going to Fallujia, Iraq. He'd only been in country about a week, and on his second patrol when a car bomb went off in a market square near them. Danny and the rest of his squad ran to help with the wounded. He was helping load a little girl with broken legs into an ambulance when some one detonated an IED. twenty two more people, including Danny were killed. That little girl lived, though. Danny's body had shielded her from the blast. I guess I kinda gave up on the world, after the funeral.

"That was six months ago."

He stopped talking, and after a moment, I asked Mike as gently as I could, "How's your wife taking it? You haven't mentioned her once,"

"Lisa."

Mike was looking at his past, again; but fondly, this time.

"Lisa died of breast cancer. Danny was eleven, then."

Mike fell silent, still in his past. I got up and made us each another cup of hot chocolate. When I sat back down next to him, I set the cups on the table and said, "You really loved her, I can tell"

"Still do," he said. Then he sighed. "I hear of people who claim to talk with their loves after they've passed, but it was never so for me. Oh, I've asked Lisa for help thousands of times, but I never felt that she answered me. If those other folks are getting answers, then all I can say, is that I envy them."

The thought seemed to make Mike feel a little bitter, so put my arms around his neck, and my head back on his chest. I could hear his heart beating. I asked, "How did you meet Lisa?"

"Hmph," he snorted. then he smiled the first real smile I'd seen on his face. "Well, believe it or not, it was a blind date. My sisters boyfriends sister. Scott's parents said he had to get Lisa a date to use the car. Since my first girlfriend had dumped me a while back, my sister Nance asked me, of course, telling me that Lisa was my age. I didn't want to go, at first, not on a blind date. All I could think was that this Lisa must be huge or have a third eye or something. But Nance talked me into it. The fact that it would be the first "movie date" my parents had let me go on was the deciding factor for me.

"When Scott pulled up in front of our house, and honked his horn, I looked at Nance, and said that didn't seem cool. She said that Scott thought it was, but it wasn't. I pride myself that I've never done such a thing. I made it a point to always go to the door. Then again, it was always Lisa's door.

"Nance and I walked down to the car, and when Scott didn't get out, I opened the door for my sister. Then I opened the back door to get in, and came face to face with a green eyed Goddess. at least that's what she seemed to me. I froze so badly that my sister had to reach over the back of the seat and pull me into the car. Lisa just sat there, with this funny little smile on her face, looking at me. I don't think I was able to say a single word on the way to the drive in theater. All I could do was look at her.

"After Scott parked the car, he and I went to the snack bar for sodas and popcorn. He told me I had to get a grip, that I was acting so un-cool. I asked him how could he stand living with someone as beautiful as Lisa, and he laughed at me, saying that she was just his kid sister.