Chapter 185

I didn't like to think about things like this, but I was doing it right now and I began to wonder just who was having what done and who controlled what. Now I not only didn't know the reason I had been put here and didn't really know exactly where here was, but I didn't even know who really had wanted me put here to do whatever I was supposed to be doing. So what was my exact situation anyway?

I was somewhere and sometime other than the time and place I'd been originally. I was here, even though I didn't know where here was, to do something, but I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing.

I had no idea what goals were set out for me or even if there were goals as I thought of them. I didn't know how long I was going to be here either and I didn't know if I'd be allowed to stay here after I finished doing what I'd been put here to do.

I didn't know if it was even possible for me to finish doing what I was supposed to be doing. When it came right down to it I didn't really know shit.

I was as clueless as a mouse in a maze. I knew I'd been brought here from my original, normal to me, situation by someone or something who was infinitely more knowledgeable and powerful than I was, to accomplish something which was completely hidden from me.

I was praised and rewarded when I happened to make a step toward whatever my goal was even though I wasn't told exactly what my progress had consisted of. Fuck, I was a mouse in a maze. Now I thought about it I didn't care about the progress, I just wanted to keep getting the cheese.

It's was what Argent's gifts had all been, cheese. They were rewards for doing the right things. The more I thought about it I realized it was exactly what Argent had asked me to do in the first place.

He'd asked me to help them with an experiment and damned if I wasn't. I just hadn't realized at first I was the subject of the experiment -- exactly like a mouse in a maze. I'd never known I was like the rat looking for cheese, but I was. I was a subject in an alien experiment just as surely as a mouse was a subject in and earthly experiment.

What difference should my new understanding of my situation make to me? Should the mouse care about its purpose in the experiment? Why should it as long as it kept getting the cheese?

Maze mice were usually well cared for and they were usually kept comfortable and their life's work was not onerous or complicated. They hung out in their little cages until the giant hands put them in the maze and then they looked around for food. In fact they apparently had a better life than millions of their fellows. Reflecting, I could see I also had a better life than millions or even billions of my fellows.

From what Argent told me before he left I was now lucky to have a life at all and apparently many of my former fellows didn't even have that anymore. So should I count myself lucky and just keep eating my cheese without wondering where or when I was and without thinking of my former fellows and what happened to them?

No, it wasn't what they wanted. I don't know how I knew this, but I felt it strongly. The hands who put me in this maze wanted me to do more than just eat the cheese and screw the females.

They wanted more, but they wouldn't tell me what it was they wanted. When I stumbled into doing what they wanted they usually told me about it without telling me what I'd done, but they did come across with more cheese at these times.

Complicating the issue were the modifications to my cage they often made. At different times the maze seemed to change without notice or without a good reason. When I'd found these new caves was it part of running the maze or was it just an improvement in my cage? It was confusing.

And the bathrooms, how could I classify the appearance of the bathrooms? Looking back it seems they were first intended to be improvements in my cage until the hands made a mistake. I had been supermouse that time, since I'm sure any scientist studying mice on earth would have been astonished to discover the mouse had caught him making a mistake and he would have been even more perplexed to have the mouse throw a tantrum and threaten to quit running the maze. What scientist had ever found himself having to negotiate with his mouse over the amenities in its cage?

What mouse had ever had to try to discover just how much his maze work was worth to the scientist? What mouse had ever had the opportunity to try playing mind games with the scientist with the outcome being a better cage and more and different kinds of cheese?

This line of thought was getting a little weird to me now and it was starting to give me a headache. My first inclination was to try and talk it over with Ralph until I realized it would add even more complications to the mouse/hands relationship and I hadn't really decided whether Ralph, Phil, and Frank were just other hands or if they were a new amenity in my cage.

"For a while there we thought that you had made a miscalculation in your weather forecast, Ralph."

"I knew you would face the little storm coming through, but it caused you no serious difficulties and I believe it is what I told you. I said the weather would not be a problem," Ralph said, without inquiring about the silence while I had been reevaluating my situation.

"I guess it was a difference in perception, being accustomed to the weather forecast from my old life I assumed you meant we wouldn't face any inconvenience at all and when the snow came I gave your forecast the same consideration I would have given one from my old life. I thought it had been wrong and we could be in for a hard time."

"I probably should have mentioned the snow instead of just giving you such a literally correct answer. I should have realized you were accustomed to weather predictions which were less than reliable sometimes," he said.

"No matter now, everything went well. I considered turning back at one point, but I'm glad we didn't. I guess you know about the injured man at Grotondo's camp."

"Yes, we saw him slip. I'm surprised you considered turning back though since we didn't notice anything which made us think you might. Of course we heard the grumbling from some of the others as they discussed the wisdom of traveling in that type of weather, but we didn't see anything in you that made us think you might turn back," he said.

"Well I didn't do anything about it, I just thought about it for a few moments and by that time we were almost half way to Grotondo's camp. With shelter available in either direction with about the same amount of travel I decided to keep on.

"I'm glad I did, not only because Kradno needed the attention from Eileiea, but also because I would have looked bad doing all of it for nothing and then finding the weather had been good enough all along."

"I see, you would have lost face?" he asked.

"Not exactly, but it would have meant I'd planned a dangerous trip and hadn't had the confidence in my own judgment to see it through."

"Surely no one would fault you for changing your decision in the light of new information," he said.

"While we were turning back and going home no one would have. The next day when the weather was clear again and everyone realized we'd never been in any danger I might have been considered a little foolish, though I'm sure no one would have said it, especially if I could have heard it."

"I don't understand how any of them could fault you for a decision made without adequate information," he said.

"Decisions made without adequate information are often called hunches. Good leaders make good hunches and I'm sure I would have been better off, in my people's eyes, even if the weather had turned really nasty.