Chapter 21: Internal Devastation

Jordan took Angel with him on Wednesday morning to go see patients in the remote towns north of Argus Falls. They left early but before they got very far Jordan arranged to stop at the hospital in Cedar Springs so Angel could be examined thoroughly and have some tests run.

Angel chewed on her fingernails as she waited to be seen by the ultrasound technician and Jordan busied himself stockpiling supplies for their journey as he alternately kept an eye on Angel. Finally, when the technician called Angel back into the room Jordan accompanied her.

Angel prepared herself for the worst. She knew in her heart she was messed up inside and she was certain she could never have another baby. Ethan had drugged her numerous times and then brought doctors in to perform procedures that she didn't know anything about. When she woke up after one of those procedures she had been unsure what had happened. She suspected on one of his visits the doctor had removed her uterus because it had been ages since she had a period.

Angel had been pregnant a few times over the years, but every time her pregnancy was discovered by Ethan, the baby was soon aborted. The last time she had an abortion, she had been unconscious for several days and she could never figure out what had happened during that time. She tried not to think about it.

The ultrasound technician confirmed Jordan's suspicions that Angel had no uterus. It was also discovered that she had extensive scarring inside her vagina and as near as Jordan and his friend Dr. Kirkland, could tell upon examination, it appeared that sharp objects had been inserted in her vagina and tore her up, causing extensive scarring.

Angel slept a lot through the examinations because Jordan arranged for her to have a sedative. He knew she would be upset by the results and he didn't want her to fret or worry about what they discovered because he knew once they had everything figured out, she would have plenty of time to deal with it after that. Tests for STD's were run while they were there, but it would take some time for the test results to come back. Jordan was fairly certain Angel didn't have any STD's. Ethan was careful about things like that because of the value of his merchandise.

Jordan and Angel were on the road by mid-morning heading out to the small towns up north to see patients. Jordan had a full day of visits scheduled in three different towns. Angel sat on her side of the truck, sleeping from the sedatives he had given her. He was glad she was sleeping because seeing what Ethan had done to her body filled him with rage and he couldn't imagine how it made her feel.

When they arrived at their first destination, Jordan nudged Angel to wake her up. She roused enough to follow him inside, but she was so tired from the sedative that she curled up on an examination table in one of the rooms and sleep while Jordan saw the few patients that were there waiting. After two hours, they were on their way again and Angel continued to sleep. Jordan wondered if everything she had been through was catching up with her because she didn't have that many sedatives, but she seemed to be completely exhausted.

It wasn't until the third stop that Angel woke up enough to be of any assistance to Jordan. It was late in the evening when they finished and packed up their equipment to head back to Argus Falls. They had said very little to one another all day long, mostly because Angel was sleeping most of the time, but before they left the small remote office, Jordan pulled her close and held her, "How do you feel?"

She was surprised a little by his question. "I'm fine," she yawned.

"I know the ultrasound shook you up a little," Jordan said softly. "Ethan really did a number on you."

Angel's eyes fell to the floor, "Honestly Jordan, I expected it. I knew there was something wrong and that I would never be able to have any more children, and it's just as well. I don't want any."

Jordan squeezed her, "Between Coach Bills and Ethan, you really got fucked."

Angel's eyes began to fill with tears, but she was sick and tired of crying all the time so she reached up to wipe her tears away and willed herself to stop, "It's just as well Jordan, I would make a lousy mother. I can't even take care of myself."

"You can't take care of yourself yet." He grimaced, "and it doesn't matter what sort of mother you would make Angel, the choice was taken away from you," Jordan tightened his jaw, "without you having any say in the matter."

Angel wondered what reality he was living in. She had been held captive for fifteen years, and she was a child prior to that. She barely understood what having a "choice" was. She didn't know how to think for herself or do anything for herself anymore. It had taken a miracle for her to leave Reno and whatever unseen force had compelled her forward was now slowly draining out of her a little each day; leaving her empty.

Jordan held her for a long time. He was sad and angry. Sad for all she had lost and endured and angry at everyone who had contributed to her misery in any way, including Martin. Jordan couldn't help but feel that if Martin had done a better job as her father, he could have saved her some heartache, even though he knew Martin had done his best. The truth was that Jordan was looking for someone to blame, anyone.

"Jordan," Angel said after awhile, relishing the warmth of his body, "It doesn't matter what went on before, all that matters is the here and now."

"My father Ethan did most of this damage to you," and she could see the rage in his eyes, "My own flesh and blood did this to you; how can you even stand to be near me?"

"It isn't your fault you are related to Ethan," she said quietly.

Jordan shook his head, "I want to kill him."

"Honestly Jordan," Angel sighed, "I was consumed by hatred and anger for a very long time; it doesn't do any good."

There was a wounded child inside Jordan that had never reconciled his past and the nastiness of his father.

"Besides, you have to realize that Ethan didn't always treat me badly, he was good to me a lot of times," Angel said, and she was being sincere because Ethan had been quite good to her sometimes, but treating her well as a whore as opposed to treating her well as a regular person were two different things.

"Oh, I bet he was good to you," Jordan said with disdain.

Angel felt helpless. She didn't know how to make Jordan feel any better about things, "You have to realize some men paid $10,000 to spend a night with me," Angel said, "Ethan couldn't afford to damage me too much."

"$10,000?" Jordan sighed, "That's a lot of money."

"Well it was usually around $5000," Angel admitted, "but it depended on what he could negotiate and how badly they wanted me, and most of the time I never knew what they paid unless they told me," she looked down, "I never saw any of the money."

Jordan kissed her forehead as his heart nearly burst through his chest, "I bet all of them wanted you, no wonder you were his number one woman," he said tenderly, "Who wouldn't want you?"

Angel pressed her head against his chest hating it that her tears welled up again, "Some of the customers I had were very good to me, my life could have been much worse."

Jordan knew there were plenty of millionaires who would gladly pay a hefty sum to be with someone like Angel. His father had always had a lot of powerful connections and Angel had obviously been a big money maker for him. "This may sound strange Angel, but do you ever miss that place?" He asked.

Angel was unsure if she should admit the truth. "All the time," she said cautiously, "that life was all I ever knew for such a long time. I feel like a freak here. I came back to a family who doesn't want me, even though now they are coming around, being rejected in the beginning hurt a lot. I don't know what I would have done without you," and she clung to him tightly, "I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore Jordan. I feel like a fish out of water. Everything I once knew about Argus Falls when I was young has all changed."

Jordan looked at her tenderly, "Would you ever go back to Reno?"

"No!" Angel said firmly, "I don't think I could ever go back to the filth and degradation of that lifestyle, it was slowly killing me. Being with you makes me feel good, but I don't see much of a future for us Jordan, not really. My past will always get in the way of our happiness." She was finally able to admit her fears.

Jordan kissed her tenderly. He wanted to tell her that her past would never matter to him, but he didn't want to hurt her further by saying something that might turn out not to be true.

Angel enjoyed the feel of his arms around her. She thought of the night he told her that he loved her. What sort of man could love a hooker? She had loathed herself for so long she didn't think it was possible for anyone to love her. Men had told her they loved her before; most of them were her regular customers and she knew they were just words. "I know you think you love me Jordan," Angel said in a choked voice, "but how can you love someone like me. You've only known me a short time."

Jordan squeezed her, "There is something different about you Angel, something that I have never seen in any woman I've ever known."

"It's called 'lust' Jordan," Angel scoffed, "It happens to a lot of men because I look good on the outside, even though I'm a complete wreck on the inside," and her voice caught in her throat.

"Bullshit," Jordan said and tilted her face up to his, "You're not a wreck. You are only twenty-eight years old Angel and you have your whole life ahead of you."

Angel scoffed. "You saw my insides Jordan, they are a torn up mess and they can't be fixed," and a tear slid down her face, "the way they look is how I feel inside, empty and rotten."

Jordan took his finger and traced the tear that fell from her eye and then leaned over and kissed her tenderly, "I know you don't believe I love you Angel, but I do love you. Ever since the night I first saw you at Red's barn I haven't been able to think of anything else but you. There is something that draws me to you and I can't explain it, but it isn't just lust, it's much more than that."

She didn't want him to tell her these things because she didn't believe them and she didn't see how he could love her. "You might not think you care about my insides or my past today Jordan, but eventually you will. I'm a fucked up mess. You saw that on the ultrasound. After everything I've been through, I'll never be OK."