Chapter 5

I rolled out of bed about nine-thirty Saturday morning. I don't usually sleep that long, but I'd had a lot of alcohol, then more or less sobered up, then participated in some delightful exercise with Irene -- who was without a doubt the liveliest fuck I'd ever had. The woman was homely, but she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch! Was I going to get all romantic? No -- Mack's injunctions to take things easy and not get roped into something just because I was suddenly presented with plentiful feminine companionship had sunk in. But that didn't mean that I didn't intend to enjoy myself with Irene whenever it made sense.

Irene was still taking up a considerable portion of my new king size bed as I wandered the apartment -- something I didn't begrudge her. But enough is enough and I'd had plenty of sleep...

As I wandered past my sanctum, something bleeped, so I wandered in and sat down. An IM window was open on one screen:

Troglodyte77: HEY!

I keyed in 'Hey, yourself':

Zapmaster6: Hey, yourself.

Troglodyte77: Where u been?

Zapmaster6: New job, new apartment, new ISP.

Troglodyte77: At least you're not living with your mother, I hope.

I laughed.

Zapmaster6: No. Actually, I'm doing real well -- just slow getting everything hooked up.

Troglodyte77: Elliott's birthday is Tuesday.

Zapmaster6: No shit?

Troglodyte77: It's his 25th. We're trying to do something.

Zapmaster6: Who is we?

Troglodyte77: The usual bunch.

Zapmaster6: Where?

Troglodyte77: Dunno. We'd like to do something special -- but that would mean a hotel room or something.

Zapmaster6: Special?

Troglodyte77: Chick jumping out of a cake or something. Elliott doesn't get much...

Zapmaster6: Does anyone?

After typing that, I suddenly remembered that MY situation had changed, at least.

Zapmaster6: So, a hooker?

Troglodyte77: A dancer, maybe. There is a problem. Edwina.

Edwina Fleiss -- female nerd. Granted, she was swimming with the school -- but she was still female. When she invited herself to the functions of our little group, we all felt constrained NOT to discuss what would otherwise be a favorite subject -- yeah, women. And sex. She undoubtedly didn't mean to put a damper on things, but it happened anyway -- let's face it, several of us were painfully shy, for starters. We were a group that had blossomed from Chess Clubs and Computer Clubs in high school and college across the IT departments of several local businesses and online gaming universes on the net. Elliott DID live at home with his mother. Rudy (Troglodyte77) shared a house with two other guys who were still in college. Edwina's avatar, StarfireLX7, was a hot looking mage with some serious powers, so she probably had some concept of sex -- but Edwina was small, had bushy eyebrows behind thick glasses and thin, somewhat oily mud-brown hair tacked back with barrettes and rubber bands. She missed having braces, somehow -- but probably could have used them. Nobody knew what her body looked like; she wore overalls and sweaters and button up to the neck blouses and other things apparently designed to render her actual shape unidentifiable. I'd seen her sweating under four layers of clothing in ninety degree heat; fortunately, she worked in a company data center that was kept at a cool sixty-four degrees.

Zapmaster6: No way to talk her out of coming?

Troglodyte77: She's insistent.

Zapmaster6: Did you tell her we might want to do something like that?

Troglodyte77: Yeah. She wanted to know why -- then we got into a discussion of holdover Neanderthal behaviors and what a cliché the idea was...

Zapmaster6: So you couldn't sell her on the idea that she really wouldn't want to see us engaging in such behavior?

Troglodyte77: I think she's going to write a paper -- Jane Goodall and the man-apes of Shelbyville.

Zapmaster6: She'll leave if it happens. We'll hear about it, but it will blow over.

Troglodyte77: It's a pipe dream anyway.

"What you doin' Baby?"

I jumped a foot! Irene was standing in the door, looking around. "Jeezus, Baby! Look at all those screens! I knew you wasn't any kind of kin to Mack, but this? What is all this, anyway?"

There were only four screens, really. The system I was using for IM was also displaying both of my e-mail accounts; the twenty-one incher had my local copy of Mack's new company website. The others had a spreadsheet and a hung role-playing game. "It's just stuff I'm working on," I mumbled.

"Okay. Do you eat, Baby? There's nothing in the refrigerator."

"There's a diner around the corner," I told her. "I haven't had time to shop."

"Well, you should. Even diners cost more than the grocery store."

"Yeah, well ... Hang on a minute." I turned back to the keyboard.

Zapmaster6: Maybe not. What do we REALLY want?

Troglodyte77: Are you kidding? If the sky were to rain hookers...

There was a giggle over my shoulder.

Troglodyte77: But then there's Edwina. If we actually got around to that she would probably go catatonic.

"What's up, Baby?" Irene asked, reading the screen.

"Some of my friends want to throw a birthday bash for one of us. It's his twenty-fifth," I amplified. "It would be nice if..."

"You had entertainment?" Irene finished.

"Yeah..." I pursed my lips.

"Are these boys as cute as you?"

"They're all geeks and nerds, if that's what you mean," I chuckled. "So, what's the rent?"

"It's seven hundred, Baby. I'd do it for less, but Mack wouldn't let me."

"You're behind, anyway, right?" I muttered.

"Uh huh."

I went back to the keyboard:

Zapmaster6: I know somebody who knows somebody. I might be able to do something, but it'll take money."

Troglodyte77: What are you talking about getting?

I turned to Irene. "What are we talking, here?"

Irene pursed her lips. "How many guys?"

I counted heads. "Six or eight. Ten at the outside -- including me."

"Rough?"

"No way."

"Way I hear it, when Mack caters a party, it goes all night," Irene mused. "And some of them aren't particularly safe. This sounds like a walk in the park. I won't promise to do everybody three times, but..."

I turned back to the keyboard.

Zapmaster6: Who have you got coming?

Troglodyte77: Me, Odd Ogg, Elliott, of course. Rajiv, Lord Ribbitt, SnipeHunter. And Edwina.

Zapmaster6: brb

I turned to Irene. "Okay, like I figured. This bunch is from 'Revenge of the Nerds' -- but there's Edwina. Come to think of it, she's from there, too -- she'd be an Omega Mu."

"Umm, right." Irene obviously didn't get the reference. "You gotta deal with her. The boys sound easy, though. Where?"

"Does Mack always do his card parties in that apartment across the way?" I asked.

Irene shrugged. "As far as I know."

I snatched up my phone and hit the speed dial, putting it on speaker. Mack's voice rasped, "Yeah?" on the fourth ring.

"Mack, it's Pete."

"So? The office burn down?"

"Sorry. I'm working on something for Irene. Can I use that place we were in last night?"

"What the fuck for?"

"An all-nighter."

"Oh." There was a pause. "When?"

"Tuesday night."

"Yeah. Don't tear up the place and try not to show the whole neighborhood the gang bang. Have Irene clean up, afterward." There was a pause. "If I find out you went all soft on her and this is some bullshit scam to pull the wool over my eyes, I'm gonna be pissed."

"It's seven guys, Mack. They won't be bringing whips and chains, but the numbers work," I assured him.

"Yeah..." Mack was quiet. "You understand -- I'm not trying to set anyone up to fail or anything, but it's SUPPOSED to be a bitch -- they're SUPPOSED to pay the fucking rent, not make me pimp for 'em. And I can't have you subsidizing any of their cute little pussies, either! I'll probably stop by to check on shit."

"That's cool," I told him. "It'll keep it from looking like I arranged it directly."

"Awright. Sounds like you got your head on straight," Mack rumbled. "She ain't there, is she? Listening?"

"I heard every word, Mack," Irene announced herself.

"That's fine -- I was pretty clear, right?"

"Yes, Mack."

"Don't sleep there tonight. In fact, you come fucking see me about eight-thirty."

"Yes, Mack."

I frowned. How should I handle this? "Mack? Don't tear up anything she's gonna need Tuesday night. I'm gonna be making promises."

"Yeah, awright." There was another short pause. "And Pete? Never before fucking noon on Saturday -- unless the office burned down."

"Gotcha."

Click.

"Okay, here we go," I announced, turning back to the keyboard.

Zapmaster6: Back.

Troglodyte77. OK

Zapmaster6: I can get a place and I can get a woman. Cost is $700.

Troglodyte77: Cool. Price is pretty steep...

Zapmaster6: Everybody gets laid.

Troglodyte77: EVERYBODY??? FCK! THAT changes things!

Troglodyte77: Fck no! Cool!

Zapmaster6: Just checking. Later.

Troglodyte77: ttyl.

"Ttyl?" Irene asked.

"Talk to you later."

"Oh, okay."

"Let's get a shower," I said, "and I'll show you the inside of that diner."

"Pete..."

"I need you plumped up for Tuesday," I told her. "It's a business expense." She laughed and we went off to shower.

I caught Hell for the whole thing later:

StarfireLX7: So now you're a pimp?

Edwina's avatar was frowning, her arms crossed below her unreal endowments.

Zapmaster6: That's procurer. Get it right.

StarfireLX7: Whatever it is, it's disgusting. Hiring a hooker...

Zapmaster6: She's not a hooker. She's a single mother of two who is behind on her rent. And she volunteered.

StarfireLX7: It's exploitation. Besides, what do you expect to accomplish?

Zapmaster6: Besides popping Elliott's seven years overdue cherry? Make a lot of people happy.

StarfireLX7: By orchestrating a gang bang. That poor woman...

Zapmaster6: That poor woman is thrilled to death. The guys will treat her a LOT better than the other arrangements that she might have had to make. She gets her rent, the kids eat...

StarfireLX7: It's exploitation.

Zapmaster6: It's a solution to several problems that everyone is pleased with -- except you.

StarfireLX7: It's disgusting.

Zapmaster6: How do you know? Have you ever done it?

StarfireLX7: Very funny!

Zapmaster6: This is one of those things that guys and gals differ on -- and not all guys and gals, for that matter. If it bothers you, stay away. In fact, probably everyone would be more comfortable if you did.

StarfireLX7: Tough. I'm coming. I want to make sure that poor woman isn't abused.

Zapmaster6: That's nice of you -- but I think I'm insulted for the guys. Do you REALLY think any of them would hurt her?

StarfireLX7: Well, no.

Zapmaster6: Okay, then. I know you feel strongly about this. You're on record. But if you don't want your nose rubbed in the fact that we're male, walk away.

StarfireLX7: I'll think about it.

Zapmaster6: Thanks.

The rest of the weekend went pretty well. Rudy called me Saturday night and we talked about things for an hour or so, me pretending a lot more ignorance of the situation that was actually the case; I really didn't want to get into the position where the guys looked to me to provide them with pussy an anything resembling a regular basis. I wanted them to think that this was an accidental piece of luck that would generate a one-time deal -- and if Mack showed up, that would help. The conversation came around to Edwina:

"What about Edwina?" Rudy asked.

"She flamed me over IM. I told her it was a guy thing and that if it bothered her, she should stay away, not get her nose rubbed in it."

"How did that go over?"

"Like a fart in church," I chuckled. "She said she was coming to make sure nobody abused the woman. I shoved THAT back down her throat, so now she doesn't have an excuse."

Rudy chuckled. "Cool. I mean, sex isn't her bag, you know? Why should she want to act like an authority?"

"I think she's a little freaked that the subject should even come up, let alone get in her face like that."

"Yeah, well, just because we don't have a life doesn't mean we don't WANT one."

Monday, Mack gave me shit about Irene having her claws in me -- and I reminded him that he'd more or less assigned the job of finding something for her to do to me. That shut HIM up -- except for reminding me that he might stop in to check on things.

"I hope you do," I told him. "I can palm control of the situation off on you. I don't want them thinking I'm going to step up and provide them with hot and cold running pussy."

Mack just laughed.

Tuesday came and I pushed the address to Rudy at noon for a party at eight. Mack, grinning, watched me head out to pick up Irene at six-thirty. I learned why when I reached Irene's. "Do you have any idea the shit he put me through for sleeping with you Friday night?" she asked, rubbing her ass. "If I didn't have this going, I probably wouldn't be ABLE to fuck!"

"I have to talk to him about that," I muttered. "It would be different if I wasn't paying any attention to him."

"Well, he knows you're a catch -- and he knows we can smell it, Baby -- so he's takin' care of you. But damn, does he have to be so mean about it?" Irene grinned ruefully.

We got to the apartment and Irene got into her rig while I opened it up and got the A/C going. The place reeked of cigar smoke; Irene dragged some can of odor killer out to handle it. Maybe we were going to smoke, and maybe not, but I figured it would be better if we made the call ourselves. I cracked some windows so the A/C could push the worst of it out the windows and draw in some fresh.