Chapter 11: Cynthia's View

Four unhappy women climbed into the van to head back to Raleigh. Although it would be a long day, it would be nothing compared to Charles' trip. In the mirror, I noticed Alyssa crying quietly.

I said, "Alyssa, are you having a hard time?"

"Yes. I didn't want him to go. I'm scared."

"We all are, sweetheart. It's okay to cry. I certainly have and I think your mother is still a little damp."

"What are we going to do? He did everything around the house. We can't even go bike riding."

"Yes, we can and we must. We have his truck and we can go any day that we can find the time."

The van returned to a deep silence, with only the road sound. I punched the radio and we found some Sunday jazz from one of the nearby stations. After a while, I turned briefly to Laura and said, "I'm sorry for being such a selfish bitch. I don't know how I ever thought I could let him go without telling him I would be here."

"I knew you wouldn't let him down. We are all feeling strange and abandoned. We'll have a hard time for a while trying to fill in for him, but we have to manage." She took my hand and then asked, "Are you going to keep him?"

"How many times I have asked myself that same question? The first time he went over there, I had already fallen under his spell, but he ignored me. He said he couldn't date me, knowing that we would like each other, and then go off to war."

"Did you miss him when he left?"

"We never kissed. He gave me a farewell kiss, far less passionate than he gave Alyssa, and wished me a good summer. I missed our long conversations in which we shared most everything."

"So, when he returned, you took up where you left off?"

"When he kissed me on the dance floor that first time, my entire world went crazy. I knew I wanted more than just one kiss, but I had this marriage fiasco to deal with. So, I willingly became an adulteress."

"Will you marry him?"

"Right now, I believe I will. He hasn't asked, but with the necessary prompting, I think he might." I poked her shoulder. "Are you going to marry him?"

She winked and smiled broadly. "Yes, I think I will. He hasn't asked, of course, but maybe I'll have to coach him a little."

After she finished laughing at our plight, we continued to bring up many other scenarios and ideas about the future until we were both laughing again. Finally, she said, "I'm glad we can still laugh about our life situation. I'm tired of crying."

The mood improved a lot as we drove and laughed. When we arrived home, it was time for dinner and I had stopped at a carryout to get some food. As we were putting things together in the kitchen, I said to Alyssa, "You're much prettier when you aren't crying. I think we all are. Let's see if we can keep our eyes dry the rest of the evening."

"I'll try. It's better to laugh."

"Tell me about your boyfriend."

She blushed and said, "Well, he really isn't my boyfriend, but I love him, too."

"You mean I have to keep an eye on you, too? Between you and your mother, I may have more competition than I can handle."

She giggled. "Oh, you know what I mean. I won't even be fifteen until next month and I think he likes you and Mom better." She came over to hug me and said,

"Sometimes I get jealous."

"Any prospects at school, just in case Charles doesn't work out?"

"Daniel asked me to go to a party next Saturday. One of my friends is having a pool party and then we're going to stay over."

"If you like him that may be a start."

"I think I do. He broke up with his girlfriend and started talking to me. I'm looking forward to the party. I want to wear my new suit."

"You look good in that suit. I hope you know that. Your breasts fill out the top nicely and anyone who doesn't notice your butt is probably dead. I'll bet more than one boy will want to talk to you."

"You're not just saying that?"

"Look at yourself and then look at those girls in the magazines. Although most of them are way too skinny, you look as good as the rest."

"Bradford hasn't seen it. I wonder what he'll think?"

"Alyssa, Charles is a man. His brain is hardwired to look at good looking girls. You are a shapely, pretty girl and have lots of appeal. I can guarantee he will like it. Face it, you have grown out nicely in the past year, so I expect Charles would ogle you and I know that Daniel won't be able to keep his eyes off you."

She blushed. "Does 'hardwired' mean that he will get hard?"

I grabbed her in a hug. "Oh, he'll get hard all right, but hardwired is an idiom from computer usage. It means that it isn't modifiable. He can't change it. In this case, it means that he is genetically programmed to admire and seek attractive women. He doesn't have a choice about looking at you. He does have a choice as to whether he hits you over the head and carries you off to his cave. Daniel is hardwired, too and he will be interested in mating with you."

"Do you think Bradford would be interested in mating with me?"

"Yes, he would. If he does, I will arrange a horrible death for him. That is, after I have scratched you up badly."

"Ohhhh, you're jealous. Why aren't you jealous of Mom?"

"I tried to tell you that. Maybe I'm jealous of you because you are young and pretty."

"I'm not as pretty as you are."

"Thank you. Keep that up. I feel better all ready. You will get prettier every month and I've just about reached my peak. I have to work hard to keep what I have."

"Well, I hope Daniel likes it and I hope Bradford does, too."

"I haven't heard you say, but are you having sex?"

"No. I have done some real making out and let one boy touch me, but that's all."

"Do you get wet panties when they kiss and touch you?"

She blushed again. "I didn't know what it was for a while, and then I read about girls getting excited. I guess that's what causes wet panties."

"That'll do it every time. Are you going to have sex with Daniel?"

"Sometimes when I'm kissing a boy, I get a yearning or kind of an itch. I don't know what to call it. I want to do more, but there isn't any good place and I'm kind of scared." Then she smiled, "I've had a crush on Daniel since we were in elementary school, but he doesn't know it."

"Well, if you already like him and he plays his cards right, you might just have sex with him?"

"I don't know. He hasn't ever kissed me or anything. We danced a few times at another party."

"Could you feel his erection when you were dancing?"

She blushed and actually turned away. I said, "We have to talk about this. No boy could dance with you and not get hard. However, if you're that close, I'll get your mother to get you a pill or a patch. We don't need any surprise grandchildren around here."

"I hope daddy doesn't find out. He made a big fuss when Mom renewed her prescription. I think he's jealous, too."

"I think his new girlfriend may have reduced his jealousy a lot. If he asks about the pill, we'll use the old standard excuse that you're having difficult periods. He won't want the details, believe me. Men are often reluctant to talk about periods."

"One of my friends takes them to regulate her periods and she says she feels a lot better."

"The big problem with the pill is that you have to remember to take it every day. I'm hoping they'll find a better way. Before the pill, there was only a diaphragm and condoms."

"A diaphragm?"

"It's a round rubber shield. The woman puts jelly on it that kills sperm and then inserts it in her vagina."

"That sounds yucky."

"Maybe so, but it was a helluva lot better than getting knocked up. Do you have any condoms?"

"No. I could go to the school nurse, though."

"The pill is best to keep from getting pregnant, but the condom can't be beat to protect you from disease. They do a good job of preventing pregnancy, too. I'll have to get some for you."

"I don't think Daniel would have a disease."

"I don't like to lecture you, but I need to tell you something. Do you think Daniel has had sex with anyone else?"

"I think so. At least my friends thought he and his girl were. Why?"

"Do you know whether he used a condom with her?"

She pondered for a while. "I don't know, but she bragged that she was on the pill, so maybe they didn't have to."

"Good. Now, here's why you have your partner use a condom. If she fucked anyone besides Daniel without a condom, then she fucked Daniel, then Daniel gets to you, without a condom, you just inherited all the diseases from his former partners and from hers."

"They told us something about that in health class, but I didn't follow it very well."

I drew her a picture using stick figures, including one in which Alyssa had sex with a boy after Daniel. She saw quickly what "inherited" meant from a sexual perspective.

"Does Bradford use a condom with you?"

"He did until we became exclusive with each other and your mother. To be sure, we went to the university health clinic and had ourselves tested. When we both came back negative, we stopped using condoms."

"I hope Mom will get me on the pill."

"Good. Now, if you're going to have sex, I want you to promise me that you'll have him use a condom every time. He might not want to, but he will if that's the only way he's going to get in your panties."

"I'd be embarrassed to ask him."

"Yes, you will. Believe me, it will be far less embarrassing than having the nurse find that you have STDs. That's why I'm getting you some to carry. I don't think your mom will mind, but it's easier if I do it."

"Both you and Bradford are nice to me. He told me that I could tell him secrets and that he wouldn't tell anyone, even Mom."

"I would always try to honor your confidence. However, if I find that you're behaving destructively, I might have to deal with it personally. I still have my former husband's fraternity paddle. I have used it before and know just how to do it."

"You would paddle me?"

"Smartly, right on your pretty butt. You don't want me to do that."

As I went upstairs that first night without Charles, I had this drained feeling inside — way inside. I had a glass of wine and reflected on the day. You're now a surrogate mom and a war widow. How's that for a day? I had to sleep and be ready for work in the morning. As I relaxed trying to get to sleep, I tried to picture him sitting in the plane well out over the Atlantic. I felt empty inside and I was alone in bed. How quickly you've depended on having his arms around you in the night. The sound of the alarm was brutal and I was shocked to realize that I hadn't made the coffee last night. I had to do everything for myself.

Bradford

As we gained altitude, LT Walls turned to me and said, "When we reach cruise, we can talk about some of the issues. I asked to be seated here and I hope you don't mind."

"Fine with me. I don't mind being on duty."

"We'll be going in together, so let's drop the usual protocol formalities when we're not around other people. I know that you can handle that and I can, too."

The roar of the engines finally subsided and we could talk in a low yell instead of a shout. He looked over and said, "Here's what I know. Our Intel thinks that the S&R signals are legit. For some reason, the captors didn't think the little radios were important or they ignored them once they took their weapons."

I replied, "Yeah, or they might think they have some delicious bait."

"That, too. Word came from our informants that the prisoners were kept on a large poppy farm."

"Can the good guys get us newer information? Poppy farms can be large."

"Keep a list of your questions. We'll have to go over all of them in the brief."

"Since the Taliban started using more IEDs against vehicle traffic, I assume that we're going in on a chopper?"

"That would be my guess. When we get our guys out, we'll want to get them to the sick bay as soon as we can. No telling what shape they're in, but we know they will not have been fed well."

I made a guess. "I judge that we will go in from that base called Salerno. I hear that's a good place to be when the Taliban isn't being aggressive."

"They do have some amenities and a helluva good gym. We'll stay two nights in Bagram and then head for the hills. We should be boots down in the hills in three days." He paused and looked at me directly, "Bradford, I know that you're the tactical man and ordinarily I would support you. Since Pete is a close friend of yours, I'm going to retain tactical control. I don't want you to make any friendship decisions out there. You've already done that."

"I understand. I just spoke to my lawyer about a medical surrogate. He made the same point. Anyway, I was damn green when you showed me the ropes on the first tour. I don't have a problem."

We slept a while and talked some more about the first tour. A couple of hours out of Baghdad, they came through with food and coffee. We both dived into the food like refugees. I hadn't realized how hungry I was. Even the coffee tasted good.

On the PA system, they told us that we would take a different aircraft to Bagram. This one was fully booked and would do a quick turnaround as soon as they could fuel and service it. We deplaned and walked to the gate for our next flight to take us to Kabul. The airport had been beautiful and could be again, after a makeover. Given the war situation there, it wouldn't make any sense to build a huge embassy in Baghdad or to undertake major repairs to the airport. Could I possibly be wrong if I guessed what our administration was doing? Repairing the airport and building a massive embassy. With that thought, my mind went immediately to Cynthia and wondered what kind of cutting remark she would make, given those facts.

We were interested to see an Australian club prominently displaying the flag and acting like hosts right in the airport. The Surf Life Saving Club was a volunteer group at home and treated us like brothers when they saw that we were SEALs. I suppose the surf brings us all together at some point in the universe. Sometime back there, we all crawled out of the surf. Fitting that we should go back in.

Four hours later, after having a couple of mid-morning Australian beers, we headed to the boarding lounge to catch our next hop. The beer was relaxing, but I was beginning to feel grumpy from both a lack of sleep and a lack of activity. Unlike the contract carrier we took from Langley to Baghdad, this one was all Air Force. Nicely painted with desert camouflage on top and fake sky on the bottom. The Air Force doesn't have to comply with OSHA noise standards or ATC noise abatement rules. Our departure from Baghdad surprised no one within a hundred kilometers.

I'm not sure the exact route we took from Baghdad to Kabul, but since we're not on good terms with Iran, I doubt that we took the most direct route. The last thing we needed was to have hostile fire that we couldn't return. I know that I'm prejudiced, but I wondered why so many people for so many years had killed each other to own what appears to be a God-forsaken desert. By now, the hours seem endless, the seats were cramped, and I was badly in need of sleep — real sleep. I felt the pilot reduce power and push the nose over. It was a far cry from a country club, but I was damn ready to have my boots on that ground again.

Walls poked me and said, "Let's get out of here and do what we came here to do. I don't want to retire in this country."

"I'm with you, Sir, the quicker the better."

Two SEALs from our team met us in a Humvee and took us to our quarters. On the way, they briefed us on the new information about fixing the location more accurately. They said that the current thinking was that we would deploy to FOB Salerno, go through several scenarios and then settle on a mission plan. We would pick up two more SEALs there. Salerno was near Khowst in the eastern part of the country and not far from the border with Pakistan. Tonight, we would be billeted at Bagram and would meet at 0600 tomorrow. We had to obtain our weapons and the necessary web gear to make us functional. They warned us to get all the sleep that we could, even though the jetlag would screw up our normal cycles. I knew that I'd be using one of my pills to avoid waking in the middle of the night thinking it was time for lunch.

Our quarters were adequate. I didn't expect the JW Marriott or even my pad, so we had chow and stowed our gear. I needed exercise badly and decided to go to the gym or whatever it was to see what was available. While counting the hours since my last workout, I realized that my brain was in no condition for serious thought. An hour on the machines rekindled my desire to live for another day. Back at my quarters, I laid out my BDUs and boots for the next day with good wicking sox and briefs. As I started my sleep ritual, it occurred to me that Cynthia could be right. Maybe I had no business being here.

I was out of the world as we know it when Revile sounded. No time for a shower, just get packed and dressed for duty then quickly to the chow hall. The team was there dressed and apparently ready to go to work. Walls and I had to go to the armorer to get our weapons and other combat gear. When we signed for our gear, I noted that they had issued me an M16 with an M-68 Close Combat Optic to mount on the Pic rail and also a standard handle. That would give me some flexibility, depending on the range of engagement and conditions. The others had infrared and laser sights.

When we mustered to inventory our weapon systems, we decided that the plan had been well done. If necessary, we could change out some weapons at Salerno to improve our capability. By 1000 hrs, we were ready for the first mission briefing. We had command, Intel, and civilian presentations to give us the first cut at the full picture.

The briefings concluded with an assessment of the situation as it now presented. They were sure enough about the location of the prisoners that they saw the mission as reasonable. We were told that updates would occur daily or more often if necessary and that changes to plans would be made when conditions warranted. We were to have chow and muster for a 1430 departure to Salerno.

When we boarded the fully loaded Chinook for the flight to Salerno, I reflected on the vehicles transporting me during the past few days. Laura, Cynthia and the girls made me comfortable on the road to the airport. The ride to Baghdad was less than luxurious, to Kabul was a step down, and now, the Chinook was, to be kind, downright crude, being both rough and noisy. However, given the stepped up activity of the Taliban on the roads, it made more sense to be up here and was a lot safer. I managed to snooze for a while, wedged between two others. As I regained some sense of awareness, I could see mountains out of the small window. I caught a glimpse of the base and the tent city that served as our operations center and quarters.

After just a few minutes on the ground, the weather started closing in. No rain at this time of year, but plenty of dust anytime. Heavy dust made it dangerous to fly. Dangerous to the point that even the military would hold off operations. After getting oriented, we were shown to our tents by someone who appeared to be a contractor. I was surprised to see that the tents had air conditioning and we had plenty of water for showers. God knows where it comes from. We ate our first meal in the new, improved mess hall. According to the locals, the hall had been improved considerably and could serve more people. They claimed that the mess hadn't improved all that much. I long ago learned that universities, the Army, and Navy had a lot in common. People complained about the food no matter how good it was. It wasn't like Cynthia or Laura's cooking, but it would suffice. I'd been in the Navy long enough to stop bitching about it.

Our duty would not resume until 0600 in the morning, so I decided to follow some of the regulars to the movie theater. "Theater" might have been an overstatement, but, in the end, John Wayne carried the day. I know it wasn't John Wayne, but I forgot the hero's name. Given that we were in a combat zone, I found it strange that they showed movies of fantastic success in battle and all of the troops laughed at the fake situations.

We mustered in at 0600 and were told that the mission was on hold awaiting an upgrade in the human Intel. They were expecting immediate contact; at most in a day or two, so we were to spend our time working out, going to the ranges, and reporting for a mission rehearsal every day at 1400. In addition to LT Walls, we had four other team members. All of them well qualified for the mission and equally anxious to get on with it. Walls sent us to get chow and told us to report back at 0900 for individual assignments.